Scars Untitled Book

[Scars of Hathsin he/him]

I have been busy on my travels to and from Uni. Writing... Mainly. Just want to know what people think as this is my first revision as I move things online. 

Spoiler

Chapter 1

Keeping You Alive

Arranis

 

There was an old saying that Arranis remembered from somewhere. Something along the lines of, “Opposites attract”. He had seen signs of it, but it was not something for him. Sure, he had met a multitude of nice people in his line of work, through both his clients, acquaintances, and well his enemies. Sure, they had been nice, but they knew they had to get past him to get their paycheck. That never ended up happening, due to his unique set of skills, as well as a bit of luck. He was probably playing down lucks part though.

#

Like just the other week, it had been a clear sunny blue day, when a walk through the street market had almost been fatal. As an assassin had launched some darts at him, but this fat little merchant, with a rich set of clothes, stood in front of him trying to sell him a round brass buckler, undecorated and plain, but very utilitarian and useful. This shield took all the darts however and had stopped them in their tracks and sent them tumbling to the ground, all momentum lost. The merchant in shock had dropped the shield and run away back to his stall. While Arranis had whipped out his bow, which was strung across his back, grabbing an arrow from his quiver, a leather construct that hund slung across his back, making it easy to reach his arm up and over his shoulder to grab the arrows, fitted with iron warheads. Not flint like some places used. Upon sweeping the high rooftops of the buildings that lined the street, his eyes constantly alert nothing became prevalent. They probably ran. He thinks to himself. I would too. He had left that day with a free shield though. At the owner’s insistence and with his life, something very valuable indeed. Especially to others. Just one of the many examples in which luck had been good to him. Although it always had.

#

Arranis looked into the small piece of metal at his face, where the lathered shaving soap covered a majority of it. The whitish soap making his beard appear more impressive, but also more stark against his darker and more tanned complexion. A smile appeared, thinking of what the other at home would have said. He turns back to the shaving razor, removing the last of the hairs with deft flicks across the face, leaving him smoother. He sighs putting down both the razor and the polished piece of metal he had been using as a mirror, on the washbasin, rinsing his face from the small bowl of water that lay next to them. Looking around at his small room which annexed his current client’s suite of rooms. The small room had probably been a servant’s quarters, but the lord Devdan had decided it would be perfect for him, to keep him close and available should he need it. The small wooden bed with a straw mattress against one wall, the other hosting the washbasin, and that was pretty much it. It was not luxurious, but it was something, at least something better than some of the other places he had been told to stay in. At least it did not have rats. Grabbing the sword that lay on the bed, a good steel sword made by the people here in the Iron Mountains, some of the best metal workers in the world. And well they should be. A dry voice in his head comments. Probably his own. He buckles into onto the belt that looped his loose flowing trousers. A must up here in the heat of the mountains, during the summer. He also grabs his bow, a sturdy reliable thing. Stringing it, by placing his foot on the inside of the bow, bending the string taut to the other arm of the bow. Completing it. He straps in onto his back, feeling more complete, a man did not go out into the world without weapons, especially as a bodyguard. It would be like a person without arms. Being without the main form of interaction. Arranis grips the door handle, pulling it, and heading out the door, and nodding to the small boy, about 10 years of age. Who stood outside, to go blow the candles that lit the inside out. In the main suite or rooms, dawn light was starting to trickle in through the windows that lined the chamber, well from behind the thick block out curtains at least. He looks at the sleeping form of Devdan, swaddled in rich, thick looking blankets. How does he sleep with all of that. The thought rises unbidden to his mind. Arranis clears his throat, trying to alert the lord to his presence, but nothing happens, and after many successive tries, nothing happens. Growling slightly under his breath he goes back to his room, grabbing the water bowl off the washbasin, and throws it on Devdan, who sputters awake, almost jumping out of the bed linen, his bedding and sleepwear thoroughly wet, and cold. “What was that for” he says to Arranis, his voice indignant, and loud. As the same boy handed him a small towel, “What am I going to do with this?” Devdan says to the attendant, his annoyance at Arranis making him a bit more snappy. The boy scampers away. His face a bit hurt. “Don’t take your annoyance out on them” Arranis says somewhat smugly. Devdan shoots him a filthy look. “Why was the water necessary again?”, he adds as well. “Well, if you want to be half asleep when someone tries to take your life tell me” Arranis says turning around to give Devdan some privacy, while he gets dressed into dry clothes which the attendant had brought back with a bigger towel, a more downcast look in his eyes. Devdan looks at the boy, his mind registering what Arranis says. But not wanting to admit it. “Sorry kid” he says ruffling the child’s hair, flipping him an iron coin. “Go get yourself something. You are free for the day” Arranis smiles. Also flipping the boy a coin. The child’s face lights up. Also stops grudges. Arranis thinks to himself.

#

“So, are you ready for today?” Arranis asks Devdan, now fully clothed, and sitting at a rather large wooden table, and chairs, nothing fancy really, If you didn’t consider wood being extremely scarce in this part of the world. Probably costing, at least a month’s amount of food for even a standard family in the mountains. At least he is trying. A reasonable voice in the back of Arranis’s head says. Arranis tries to ignore it however. “Yeah, I think I am” Devdan says. “Like there is nothing stopping me already, but I want to make sure it does not get outlawed so to speak” Arranis nods along. It makes sense but why has he done almost nothing then, regarding his own place. Devdan finishes the meal in front of him, wiping his face with the cloth and signalling for one of the servants to collect the plate, which had once contained a wide variety of fruit. Slipping a coin under the plate. A tradition he did as a way of thanks. The servants were used to it now, but they used to insist on him taking it when they first came into the tradition. One of the girls running over to take the plate. Giddily taking the coin that lay underneath. He is unlike the other nobles. The voice of common sense says in the back of his mind. He ignores it again. “So” Arranis says, straightening up from where he had been leaning against one of the round pillars that held up the wide room of the building. “Do you think they will let us take a squad of bodyguards in?” Devdan shakes his head almost immediately. “No, too risky apparently, just one bodyguard, with seating given like always” Arranis nods his head. “That is what I thought, but it is always good to make sure. Devdan nods his head in agreement. “We should probably head out sooner rather than later as well, the city streets are busy in this time of the week.” Arranis nods as he walks towards another door, motioning his head for the other bodyguards which were outside to come with him. “Lets get ready, then go.”

#

The city streets were crowded as Devdan predicted. Large masses of people swarming the streets, looking through the pop up market stalls, which littered the sidewalks. Hawkers trying to sell their own wares, and general ruckus. Children playing between the legs of the adults, chasing each other around, and cliques of adults stopped in the middle of the walkway talking to each other. The noise was almost deafening due to the way that the street was designed as well. Zeci, the capital of the Iron Mountains, a range of massive mountains that dominated the north western part of the world, on the map at least. The city was built rather precariously on a ledge that jutted over a large river, which used to be used as a method of transportation, but now hosted the refuse of the city. The river down below a slimy brown looking. The city itself was also divided into two ledges, the upper and lower. Where on the upper ledge, or well, built into it, was the council building, where the nobles of the city gather, voting on legislation. But the lower part was saved for the city proper, shaded partially by the upper ledge, the city below was built higher, rather than wider. To try and cram as much people as possible onto the ledge. The mix of old splayed out buildings, and new taller buildings, leaving rather dodgy looking alleys between some of the buildings. But the buildings were mainly built of stone, which gave the city an almost, carved into the rock vibe. The name of the city roughly translating into the word Iron. They do love their metals up here. Arranis thinks to himself as he and the other bodyguards form a screen around Devdan. Making sure that none of the curious people, get too curious. With some bodyguards set to scanning the rooftops to make sure there was no danger in the sky either. Metal everything was on sale in the market, from weapons to goblets, some intricately wrought, with other metals braided into the object of choice. Objects, that by the longing looks of many people was a want. But for the people that were buying them; people richly swathed in expensive clothes, they were a need. Some gemstones were apparent, but not too much, or at least in a pop up market. They were probably sold in a high protection shop in the market proper, which like other markets, sat in the centre of the city. The carved stone plaza leading towards the council chambers, mixing with the forecourt of the building. Where more stands stood but, buildings also faced into the plaza, where a water spring gushed water in the centre. Before being fed into the multiple buckets that awaited around the spring. Devdan’s cohort of bodyguards made there way through the crowds, which were almost at a standstill. They did not push and shove though. They kept formation and let the crowds part around them. Unlike other groups which Arranis could hear through the crowd, pushing people, much to the disgruntlement of said people. “Come on people” Devdan says through the noise of the crowd, to his bodyguards, “let’s get moving a bit faster!” Arranis grits his teeth. You… his thoughts are drowned out by the noise of the crowd.

The forecourt of the council chambers showcased the grandeur of the building that was hosted within the ornate gates that stood nearby. The pillars that stood on either side of the gates, inlaid with images of plants, trying to imitate the delicacy of vines. Fat chance at that ever happening. Arranis thinks, noting the vines being a hand wide, and bearing leaves even bigger. The gates themselves were solid wood things, embossed with some metal, giving a sturdy vibe to them. “Nothing would get past those” he mutters, thinking to himself. Two guards stood at the gates, big tables in front of them hosting a wide variety of weapons, swords, daggers, blow darts. “Everybody leave your weapons, one of them yelled as they blocked the gates, the second one patting down bodyguards as they went in, doing a gentler pat down on the council members. Who were all members of the elite class that ruled the Iron Mountains. Even though it was supposed to be for everyone. When it is Arranis’s turn he drops his sword and bow at the table. “Don’t know how we are to protect clients with no weapons” Arranis says to another bodyguard; Petro, beside him, who nods. Also discarding his weapons. They both kept their shields however, as the other bodyguards drift into the fore court, with the majority of other bodyguards, the limit on people disqualifying most people from entering the buildings chambers. The person who was yelling shoots them a dirty look, after hearing there comment, but does nothing as he continues yelling. The other patting him down rather roughly, eyeing the shield, but shaking his head, and letting him through. Petro following soon after. But being lost to the crowd that clustered in the main antechamber of the council chambers. An opulent room, with a curved staircase, dominating the centre of the room with the stairs also being beautifully carved. To the delight of all the nobles in the room, and the bodyguards who were more inclined towards the richer lifestyle. To him though he swore the building itself resembled a snake. ‘The occupants certainly do add to that atmosphere” he mutters, moving to a corner of the room, and keeping an eye on Devdan, who was a creature of much attention, eyes across the room, looking at him, some with barely concealed hatred, or contempt. Probably the latter. Arranis’s thoughts are interrupted however by a tap on the shoulder. He spins around, who could.. his voice drops off, Noticing the person behind him. “Lee, what are you doing here? “ Arranis says delight colouring his features. Lee tosses her hair over her shoulder. Showcasing its platinum glow, being a few shades lighter than her skin. A wide flowing robe, hung across one shoulder, hanging off her. “I just happened to be in the area” she says, nodding to Devdan, “I have a feeling that he is going to be doing some good” she says, smiling mischievously. “Shouldn’t you be watching him?” she adds, noticing his gaze wondering naturally to her in their conversation, moving away from Devdan. Arranis snaps his gaze back around. “Your right”, he says noting the changed position of his charge, who was now interacting with another clique of nobles. But when Arranis turns back around to Lee, there was nothing but thin air, and a retreating gap in the crowd of people, heading too the door. “Was that… real?” Arranis asks himself, before shaking his head.

This takes up 7 pages on Word.

Please be as critical as you want

I will update when I finish moving each chapter onto word from my notebook

[JDharmawan]

Hey Scars! Here's some feedback.

My first impression will be: "You gotta break these up into paragraphs". It's really hard to follow without breaks. Because of the long paragraphs, it's very difficult to appreciate worldbuilding you put because I end up slurring through. (I'm not sure if this is how it's intended to be formatted or if there are paragraphs in your document).

Anyway, it's just the first chapter, so I haven't really get the full picture of the story yet. But I am a little confused why you decide to put the first two paragraphs on the beginning. There is a big disjoint between the first two and the third, I was kind of expecting some kind of an action in a market street kind of scene, but it jumped to a scene of him shaving. So... you might want to consider re-arranging it into a story-related scene which shows / highlights his "unique set of skills" and "luck"

But I would love to read the next chapter when it's ready! Though, I would appreciate it if you can break it into smaller paragraphs