Contractual Woes

[Goob he/him]

Hello! This is the first part of a serial story I'm writing. I'm hoping to get parts out monthly, but do not rely on this. I was originally hoping to get this first part out on New Year's Day, but editing took longer than I hoped. Word count for this first part is ~8300 for anyone interested
Contractual Woes Part 1
Enjoy! Criticism is highly appreciated.

Edited February 21, 2022 by Goob

[dannnex male]

i started critting it and then i realized its like 1am and i need sleep, so here's what i got so far. apologies in advance if any of my comments are too blunt or whatever. here's a massive disclaimer that all of it is completely subjective to me, and me is just a guy, so feel free to just ignore it all and do ur own thing, idc. 

i copied it into my own doc so i could comment easier:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XLvMit6jkSYd4yRFIkzozm2XPDuma-5WxriQ77oAUy0/edit?usp=sharing

it's mostly smaller stuff like word-choice, grammar, and sentence structure.

here are the biggest pieces of actual critique i have. if you were gonna ignore everything else, this is what i'd tell you.

1. consistent verb tense, you switch between present and past a lot and it really ruins the flow.
2. be careful not to over describe things. some of your sentences (especially at the beginning) are nearly run-off sentences just from how many adjectives you shove in.

all-in-all i've enjoyed what i've read so far. if you want me to keep critting it lmk, otherwise i think i'll just finish reading it without commenting. 

Edited February 21, 2022 by Dannnex

[Goob he/him]

12 hours ago, Dannnex said:

i started critting it and then i realized its like 1am and i need sleep, so here's what i got so far. apologies in advance if any of my comments are too blunt or whatever. here's a massive disclaimer that all of it is completely subjective to me, and me is just a guy, so feel free to just ignore it all and do ur own thing, idc. 

i copied it into my own doc so i could comment easier:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XLvMit6jkSYd4yRFIkzozm2XPDuma-5WxriQ77oAUy0/edit?usp=sharing

it's mostly smaller stuff like word-choice, grammar, and sentence structure.

here are the biggest pieces of actual critique i have. if you were gonna ignore everything else, this is what i'd tell you.

1. consistent verb tense, you switch between present and past a lot and it really ruins the flow.
2. be careful not to over describe things. some of your sentences (especially at the beginning) are nearly run-off sentences just from how many adjectives you shove in.

all-in-all i've enjoyed what i've read so far. if you want me to keep critting it lmk, otherwise i think i'll just finish reading it without commenting. 

I swear, for every tense issue I fix 4 more crop up
I've also changed the permissions of the original link so you can critique there. I would like it if you continued, thanks