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Reading Excuses - Oct 21 - Recovering Cynic - Fallen Haven - Chapter 5


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Again, just looking for major critiques since there will be a lot of re-writing.

Chapter 1

Jimbo Casey is an ex-convict going in for drug testing, he fails the test and begins fleeing from the police. Kyle Endrasko is the sheriff and Jimbo's cousin. He pursues Jimbo who has driven into the back roads in rural Oklahoma. Akari is not human, but she works for an organization on earth that protects earth from outsiders. Akari and her squad of soldiers, who are human "replicants", detect an outsider about to break through from another realm. They get on a jet to intercept the breakthrough, but don't get there in time. Jimbo and Kyle's chase ends up at the breakthrough site. The monster that has broken through is killed by Akari and Co., but not before it tosses Jimbo through the breach into the realm it came from. Kyle confronts Akari and accidentally touches her unearthly sword, which renders him unconscious.

Chapter 2

Jimbo falls into a strange world and is captured and thrown into a giant prison wagon that is pulled by monstrous creatures and driven by human. The cage is full of human-sized moths.

Chapter 3

Kyle is recruited into a powerful secret organization run by a woman named Seiku that regulates interdimensional traffic on Earth. They are organizing a rescue mission to find his cousin Jimbo. Kyle volunteers to go after Jimbo and he is given an injection that allows him to understand Outsider languages. He then gets into an elevator on the way to go Outside

Chapter 4

Akari is preparing for the rescue mission and we learn some of her backstory. She has been assigned an airship, The Destrian, that has been made to look like a piece of crap to disguise its technology. She clashes with Kyle at the ship and we meet the new crew, a lizard (Salashi) named Chuuk, an Avorian (moth) named Chirea, and an Avorian mechanic named Bub who wears a power-suit.

Chapter 5

What you are reading now.

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Thoughts while reading.

A few of the sentences felt weird to me. So far it could use a once over for line editing. Nothing major from what I can tell. One thing though that irked me is using vernaculars while being in narrative. I could understand if Jimbo was thinking or saying it but I feel that the narrator should not be using 'd and 'em when describing the story. This could just be me, but I am sticking by my guns on this point.

I feel that it is out of character for Jimbo to wrinkle his nose at a minty fart. Then think about it as possibly good manners for giant moths. I also feel that it is out of character for Jimbo to be queasy by a demon thing (with shifting bones underneath it's skin) and then defiant the next. I know that you put that it pisses him off because of an arrogant attitude so that might make up for it. It just seems little bit much of a stretch after being scared and nervous and queasy and now brought before some sort of demon.

"This did not help Jimbo’s calm." This sounds weird. I would rethink rewriting this.

"Jimbo couldn’t help but notice that the claws matched perfectly the gashes he’d seen along the walls of the abandoned city." This also awkward to read.

"They had reached the base of the tower where stood a loose circle of standing stones, each a different shade: sandy brown, striated red, drab grey, and on and on, thirteen stones in total." The part of "where stood a loose circle of standing stones" should probably be reworked as you have stood and standing present within the same sentence.

There are a few more lines as I go along, I would suggest doing a good line edit on this whole chapter.

Alright finished.

I think this is a decent chapter. At this point in the story we are getting deeper and deeper with more promises being made. I know this is a high fantasy/sci-fi story but I just wanted to let you know that so far there seems to be a lot going on and at some point the reader will lose interest in some portions of the story to keep up with the rest. This doesn't mean that you need to get rid of anything. I am just bringing it up because of how much variety you have going on in this world without much being explained at all. I am just accept it all.

Beyond this everything else is okay. The epigraph is still awesome and makes me wonder a bit more by the end of the paragraph. Good job on that. :D

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Yep, another great epigraph.

I have some mixed feelings about this chapter. On one hand, the ending was very interesting and gets the story moving, but on the other, I felt like it took way too long to get there.

Somehow, the first part of the chapter felt like it had very slow pacing. Some parts were nice (love the poop-pants), but the story didn't get to move much. I have the feeling I got the sightseeing tour of this place : nice scenery, but too boring. If I compare this to your first chapter's breakneck pacing, this is way too much contrast.

Once we get to the actual conversation with Azaerl, things start to get much better. One of the things I like about reading is understanding things before they really happen to the character. In that respect, I was happy to see the snake used after you introduced its effects in a previous chapter. Quite neat.

One small ending remark : how does Jimbo know Seiku is female? Azaerl gives no indication about this "old Seiku", yet Jimbo assumes Seiko is a she.

Edited by akoebel
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So, the one of the moths give Jimbo some clothes. How does Jimbo feel towards the moths after this? Does he want to try and help them? What happens to them after he is grabbed?

Jimbo spends a lot of the chapter just observing things, with very little action. Even if he were convinced it's hell, most people would still try to do something to make their current circumstances better. At the start of the chapter, what does he want? How does the chapter prevent him from getting it, or make things worse for him? (OK, now the bad guy knows who he is, but how is that worse? It seems to me he was likely to have just been consumed if he had been a replicant, so he ends the chapter still captured, but still alive.)

The snake was a nice touch, with us already having seen the affects of the venom a couple chapters ago.

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