Keke

Tw mentions of suicide and mental health issues!! 

This is a train my brain joined whilst cleaning everything

Let's start with a question. Are you also afraid of getting rid of things? Like... your afraid to leave those memories behind but you hate the life you lived but you don't want to leave it cause that means you might leave it behind and forget. Then your stuck as the person you are know but you hate them too. Your stuck in a back and forth between hating your life and loving it but the mood swings take a toll. You can't show it cause your supposed to be fine so you hide it and pretend your alright. The first time you mentioned you have had those thoughts you realized that you lied so well everyone thought your fine. But you for the first time admitited you werent ok and it caused you to spiral. You now realize that you are more stuck then you were before. Only your friends know and your family thinks everything is dandy. You stain your pillow with unseen tears as you cry yourself to sleep but don't let anyone know. But those things you don't wanna leave are the good memories that are your lifeline. If you leave those then you will fall down and down and eventually lose yourself to the monster of a person you've become. You've become the person little you swore to never be. When did that happen? You ask yourself, when did you let yourself fall so far. Eventually though you climb out. You make your fake smile become real and everything is fine again. Now you wait till you fall again. But until then you live on the top. 

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk and hopefully you aren't crying.... I am. That hurt to write.