SmilingPanda19
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I kinda just realized how low my self esteem is… I mean I’ve known, but it hit differently today.
I was excited today because we were going out into the woods for a Christmas in the woods festival thing, which is always fun. I got to wear overalls and shin high boots. I got out my bracelets/bumble bee earrings and my flannel. I put my hair up in a messy bun and I felt really cute. So I walked out the door like that.
I was thinking about how fun it was to wear that stuff and how much I love it, and I kinda came to the realization. Why don’t I wear this all the time? School. I’ve been given crap for just wearing overalls let alone the rest. I have to be like everyone else I guess, but I look like bull crap in that stuff. I look like a McDonald’s dumpster fire. If I walked into school with boots, flannel, and overalls on I would get comments from everyone like “You look just like stuff you scoop.” And “Thinking about moving back down south farm girl? Would make my day.” I already get called farm girl by my friends, which is funny the first time but the 27th time…
I am most comfortable the more covered up I am. I love to be covered head to toe, which means people don’t have to see me. I dunno if that’s a healthy thing…
I don’t wear makeup a lot because I mean, it can’t really fix my face. (I know, I sound weird, but who cares.) my nose is always too big or my acne is acting up. My chin dips below my lips and I get light facial hair. My eyebrows are too thick and then when I try and fix them they are too thin, I don’t look like the same person.
I don’t pack a lot in the behind, insecure about that. It’s not a problem I guess, but I’m not exactly comfortable plopping down on a friends lap as a joke because what if they make fun of me?
My ex (if you could call that hardly two craps 3 month ‘relationship’ a real relationship) was once mad at me when we were ‘dating’ and started saying all the things he hates about me. “You look horrible in bright colors, stop wearing neons, your galaxy hoodies are disgusting.” I don’t own any neons anymore. I don’t own any bright colors. I don’t wear my galaxy hoodies to school anymore.
I take showers every day, I’m not disgusting. I wash my hair everyday but I still manage to be constantly greasy. I’ve had problems with that before with close friends so now I fear it. “What will they say if I end up a mess at school?” “Will they still love me?” I use dry shampoo but it bugs me that I have to do that every day in order to look presentable.
When I bought my overalls recently and loved them I was so excited to show my mom. I showed her, but I could tell she didn’t love them. Her first question was “You sure you didn’t get anything more feminine?” …I’ve never been a super feminine woman. Sure I do feminine things like paint my nails occasionally and have longer hair, but not crazy feminine like my little sister. I hate dresses. I hate skirts. I usually don’t like pink or purple colors. Everything my mom wanted me to buy. I don’t know, I know she loves me, but I can’t help but feel I disappointed her.
I hate my voice too. I always feel like I’m annoying people with my voice. I’m getting into singing and acting, but that requires me to share my voice. I was literally almost in tears when I first had to sing in front of 30 teenagers. My teeth chatter naturally from extreme nervousness and they were chattering on level 100 speed. I don’t sing for my family, I sing when alone because I don’t want anyone else to hear.
I don’t know… I just don’t like my looks. That’s not even talking personality. I don’t know how to fix it, it’s gone down like crazy. I tried to talk to my dad about it, but he was just like “every teenager gets that” but I dunno… anyone understand that?- Show previous comments 7 more
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Panda, my good, good, good friend, Panda. How did I not check my SUs earlier? At least I'm here now. Better late than never!
You are enough, panda. It doesn't matter what they think. Everyone has felt this at least a little bit. At least once or twice.
Panda, you're a wonderful person. Even if you were ugly, in a room full of people disparaging you and calling you ugly, you would be the prettiest in the room. You are not ugly, Panda. Tolkien once said, " The most critical [viewer of my work] of all, myself, now finds many defects, minor and major." Tolkien was the creator of Lord of the Rings, one of the greatest fantasy novels of all time, but he still found many, many, many defects in it. in turn, we find in ourselves the flaws that other people won't see as prominently or will be distracted by other features before seeing. the most critical person of us is, almost always, ourselves.
Panda, I've never seen you in my life and most likely never will, but I know that you are one of the most beautiful people ever. It doesn't matter what the people who want to break you down think. their barbs hurt, yes, they're painful as they dig into our skin, but you know what? You can move on. You can say that it doesn't matter and that even if they don't think so, God knows the truth of the matter. You're pretty, you're beautiful, you're wonderful, you're amazing. You might not be able to see it, but it is evident to those of us on the Shard and to the friend group in MC.
When you look at yourself, what you consider as defects and all, don't think about how bad those might be in your eyes, think that you are a beautiful person in the process of turning into someone even more beautiful. It's truth. 100%.
You don't have to "fix" anything. There's nothing that needs to be. You're perfect as you are. And, besides, if people are telling you that you need to fix yourself in a rude way, then the only person who needs fixing is them. No-one should tell anyone that they don't look good and need work on them. No-one deserves that, especially you, Panda.
Talking is something that a lot of people struggle with, me included. I've found in my experience that the best way to become better about talking is not think about how bad you think you are at talking. Just let go and breath. Take a breath if you're feeling nervous before you talk and think calming thoughts. It gets better, I promise. It may not help quickly, but it will get better.
And, one last thing before I finish this.
You mentioned personality- *takes a breath*
Panda, you have a wonderful, amazing, beautiful personality. your personality is almost all about you I know about you. If that's not what you want it to be, that is completely and totally fine, but there is a difference between wanting to change your personality and making that a thing you hate about yourself. I will track you down and slap you if you think that you have a bad personality, because you don't. Panda, you do not have a bad personality. You are an awesome, super cool, funny, witty, creative, smart and all around amazing human being.
If I was in the same room as you right now, I would slap you and then hug you and tell you that you don't have to change anything about yourself. You are perfect the way you are, my friend, because you are you. And there's nothing I think any of us on the Shard would want to change in you. If any of those friends you have in real life don't want to be friends with you for looks, then they didn't deserve to be your friends anyways. Wear what you want to wear, be who you want to be, do what you want to do. If they're your friends, then they will support you.
All I know is that you are one of the best people I know. One of the best. I swear, you're similar to my closest irl friend. I wish I could introduce you two because I bet y'all would become friends over time.
Well- I think this reply is big enough so I leave it at that. I wish you the best, my friend, and hope that you feel better about yourself! If you're feeling down about your looks or your personality, lemme know and I'll persuade you otherwise because there is not a storming way I will let you think that. I'll even come into mc and party you if it takes that. Maybe I'll gather Deathi, Sasha, Alex, etc. and bombard you with love and compliments until you finally give in.
P.S. I'm serious about all of this. I mean every little thing. Every jot and every tittle (fun words).
Good night.
