rohyu

"In what way is the Moon Sceptre linked to the Dor?

Brandon - I think we can canonise this. So the Moon Sceptre-...so the sceptre is kinda like the Rosetta Stone. You can use it to translate the symbols from one system to the symbols of another and can use it to understand their meaning (paraphrased a bit, but simply put Moon Sceptre = Seliash/Selian Investiture Rosetta Stone)"

But why did Hoid need to translate symbols? Is it just because he wants more knowledge?

You're friendly with your mates, but those who you trust above all others are the ones you laugh at when they fall down the stairs

 

I think this image sums up what you mean. 

I like the world you set up. The magic system is interesting and I'd like to know the intricacies of it. One thought I had is that the magic doesn't seem like it has any downside or special requirement to use it, which makes me wonder why everyone doesn't use it. Am I wrong in my belief that not everyone uses it? I don't think you need to add in any more information about the magic system in the first chapter, but I'd like to know more about it sooner rather than later.

The pacing felt a little slow for my tastes. Some of the conversations felt like they dragged on a little too long. The conversation on page 2-3 that shrike mentioned is a good example.

If the marching song works on horses, why don't they all ride horses? I understand that the song makes humans fast on their own, but wouldn't it make traveling on horses even faster? Donn seems to be in a rush, and rich, so I would imagine he would want horses.

I would keep reading. I don't think you need to add anything to this chapter to raise the tension, but I'd like to see a fight or something similar within the next few chapters.

I'm looking forward to your next submission.

I really liked the description of Abaddon.

I had a hard time following the training exercise Hellas was doing on page 1.

A shimmering silver globule of liquefied metal slipped through the cracks and collided violently with the sphere of rock and lava.

 

Is the sphere first made of the dirt he pulled up from the ground?

Pg2:The sphere exploded, catapulting Hellas back and showering him with rock. He threw up his hands and enclosed himself in earth to shield against the hailstorm of lava and liquid metal.

 

 

I'm not sure why the rock hit him before the lava and metal.

Pg5:to see two of them crippled and one of them dead drove home how desperate the situation had become.

 

This line felt a a little too much like a 'tell' for me. Maybe change it to something like, “seeing them crippled and dead made my heart lurch and my pulse race.”

On page 6 Hellas mentions he has amnesia. Was this the first time it was mentioned?

pg7:Hellas leapt to the ground and sought out Scrios

 

I think he was already on the ground. He slept at the base of a tree, then inspected the handcuffs that had fallen to the ground.

pg9:‘Not necessarily,’ Hellas replied. ‘but I make a point of planning for everything, so I’m never surprised.

 

 

I think you can eliminate everything after 'Hellas replied.' By mobilizing the extra forces you showed me that Hellas has a point of being extra careful.

The final line drives home this idea. (‘I make a habit of being prepared for anything,’ Hellas replied. ‘Then, I’ll never be surprised.” ) I get the impression you really want to emphasize the fact that Hellas tries his best to not be surprised, but I think just having the final line of the chapter explicitly say so emphasizes the idea enough.

Pg11:To make matters worse, on this particular afternoon it was pouring with rain.

 

This seemed like too much of a 'tell' as well. I think you can get rid of that sentence and work the mention of the rain into another sentence. Maybe,

'A downpour had turned the normally dry dirt into muddy, treacherous ground. The sky was dark, illuminated only by the frequent flashes of lightning.'

At the battle, you sort of lined up each army, then went creature by creature explaining what they are and what they look like. This was kind of boring to read, and it was hard to retain all of the information given. Maybe try to incorporate these facts into the battle somehow? When Hellas is calling down individual groups might be a good time to talk about those groups.

Pg15:It took minutes for the enemy’s will to fight was shattered

 

It took minutes before the enemy's will to fight was shattered.

Or

It took minutes for the enemy's will to fight to be shattered.

The battle seemed anticlimactic, but I think that might have been the point. I get the impression that Hellas is a badass who can turn the tide of battle on his own, but he is in imminent danger of losing his skills or will to fight due to PTSD.

I'm excited to see what happens in 10 days with Lucifer.

Thanks Kam .

How did Daryl get there so fast. I thought he couldn't run.

 

It was just his mom who said he couldn't run, she was just coddling him.

I added in the Lowens between submitting chapter 1 and 2. I also made the intruder a girl. I forgot to mention the changes, sorry. RD gave me the idea to make the adoptive parents bad people to help explain why the MC is so crazy.

Knife Wound: I might have this mistaken but i don't think blood gushes from the wound until you remove the blade.

 

You are correct. I need to change that part.

Now I'm sort of intrigued by the challenge of making the POV of a book the evil villain and still having people stick around to read it.

I think I know what might help. Dexter and John Cleaver each had someone close to them who was outraged or horrified by the killing. 

The people meant to admonish the murderous behavior in my story are Daryl and later Detective Anthon. This just happens a few chapters into the book. I think the problem is that someone isn't horrified from the start, so the idea that the MC's actions are horrible doesn't get relayed to the reader for a while. I think I can fix this problem by adding in a mall-goer who looks terrified or disgusted after the MC kills the shooter. And possibly showing that Anthon is upset about the MC killing the intruder in the prologue. Another problem might be that Daryl isn't upset right away.

Also, Dexter and John Cleaver both had caveats about who they killed that I think were meant to make the murders seem more acceptable. My MC has a caveat, he only kills murderers, but he is planning on trusting Lucifer that the people are in fact killers. By default, I think most people don't trust a character named Lucifer in my stories context. I don't know if my caveat to make the murders more stomachable is enough, or if perhaps it isn't played up enough.

I'd love to have your thoughts on these ideas.

I'm having a hard time deciding how crazy the MC should be. I think in the end I may end up writing two separate rough drafts and then seeing which one works better. One version where the character is basically a pyschopath, and one where he fights with himself to try to stay 'good'.

I already have the rough draft of the pyscho version done, and I know which events need to happen and how they need to happen, so I don't think you are "comprising my idea", rather you are trying to offer ways to make the story more appealing. I think I'll keep submitting the pyscho version to you guys to see if the character's downfall works. 

Ah, ok. The repetition of the line made it unclear, but the character didn't kill the cop. The last line was in reference to the cops trigger. I'll have to clarify, or maybe remove it. Ending on the two brothers being covered in blood seems like it could be a good place to stop.

Thanks again

Thanks Rob . I think I made the character too evil  .

If that is not the message, and I really hope it isn't, then I think you need to show that very early on or many readers will put the book down.

 

No, that's not the message. It is about what horrible things happen to someone when they go so far over the edge of evil, even if they think what they are doing is good. We know someone shouldn't decide themselves who deserves to live and who deserves to die, but the character thinks he can decide.  But the consequences don't start for a couple of chapters. Spoilers sorta, but in the end I tried to make his punishment worse than going to hell. 

My intention for the beginning was to make the character believe he is a big hero who can do no wrong, but I seem have to have gone too far with that idea. 

I'll definitely have to tone down the craziness and add some guilty feelings or some punishment.

Thanks Rob. You gave me a lot to think about. 

 

 

ouch, okay, another tough line, but I don’t object, the guy’s character is consistent

My biggest concern is that the MC is too evil/crazy. I want the reader to like him, or perhaps pity him, at least a little. I'll have to think about how crazy he should be.

I wonder if you would get more impact by turning the phrasing around, like ‘I had hoped it would be harder to pull the trigger.’ 

 

That line more clearly states what I am going for. I'm totally stealing it

“Asking something that magically appeared” – someone?

 

I think if someone/something just appeared in front of me, I wouldn't be positive whether it was a thing or a person. I'll have to think about this though.

“I avoided the temptation to correct her grammar” – I would beware of comments like this. The grammar we are hearing in protagonist’s head is far from flawless.

 

I think you are right . If my grammar was better I might be able to get away with lines like that. haha,

The thing that bothered me is the jump from him hugging his family and pulling the trigger. I would have like a short line to show him snatching up his gun before the last line.

 

Do you mean the MC should pick up the gun after his mom is killed? 

Thanks RD. I think adding more dialogue between Anthon and the MC to show their relationship is a great idea. 

Do make-up have fumes powerful enough to disorient someone like this?

The disorientation came from the concussion caused by the cops, and the fake seizure. It seems that may not be clear though.

- I feel like Lucifer needs to sweeten the pot. At this point, he's not making a deal with the MC. He's just involving him in a mutual interest. Plus, from what Lucifer says, the MC will be destined to join him in hell, so maybe if he helps Lucifer, that won't happen (or so the devil says.)

My idea is that the MC is so crazy that he doesn't need Lucifer to sweeten the pot. Murdering people is its own reward. I am not sure how to convey that more clearly though. I'll have to think about that, and whether the MC being that homicidal will drive readers away.

The intro to chapter 1 did a good job getting me excited about what is to come. The intermission/dream sequence/flashback that goes back to the fight with Abaddon made me realize the italicized parts happened in the past, but I am still excited to see another large battle take place later in the book, presumably involving Hellas in some way. I agree with Robinski about the repetition of part of the flashback not being needed though.

I like Rahka. It (he?) provided a cute counterbalance to the seriousness of being exiled from heaven.

You did a good job inserting a new, interesting plot-point into the mix when Jess was brought up during the conversation between Scrios and Hellas.

You gave out a lot of information in chapter one without boring me. I was a little confused when Hellas was walking past the statues and discussing the wars, it was a lot of names to take in. But after re-reading the section I think I understand the basics of what happened in the wars.

Pg3:His arms were spread widehis face fixed in a permanent...

 

Small typo.

Pg4:Even over a decade after Lucifer had walked into the Temple with almost no resistance, security was still incredibly tight around the Temple.

 

Like Mand, chapter one answered a lot of the concerns I had about the prologue. For instance, the inquisitors acknowledging that the temple was too easy for Lucifer to break into makes the meager defense in the prologue believable.

Pg4:He sat himself down and massaged his wrists, kneading at the deep marks where the tight handcuffs had buried into his skin.

 

I think at this point the cuffs are off of Hellas, but the guards never took them off.

Pg14:You can see him tomorrow,’ Scrios assured them The news that Hellas would be staying

 

I think you missed a period between 'them' and 'The'.

 

Pg15:‘Nearly a years later,I’m not so sure.'

 

Another small typo I think.

I've really enjoyed the story so far. I think Robinski might be right that making Hellas more sympathetic might make the story even better though.

I really had no clue who the buyer was. I thought it might be someone new, who we hadn't seen yet. If I was forced to guess, I would have said it was Dracula, or whatever vampire/monster replaced Dracula (if someone did).

I was pleasantly surprised to find out who the Buyer was.

I'm not sure how Steph and the rest of the monster council escaped the air hanger. They had to have known they would be followed if they got away. There were helicopters at the air hanger. The idea of splitting up makes sense, but driving up to their destination instead of sneaking in doesn't make sense to me.

Even if Quaris and the other Hunters were supposed to be capturing Renfield, I don't think they would just let 3 monsters get away without following them.

Pg4:The train yard sprawled out before them. Stephanie expected to see more orange-vested working scrambling across the yard

 

I think you meant workers instead of working.

Pg5: Bannister was always walking alongside a nearby train engine in the opposite direct.

 

I think you meant 'already walking'

pg7:Getting out of her.

 

I think you meant 'Getting out of here.'

pg7:We aren’t doing anything. I’m guessing to lead these stormtroopers away,

 

I think you meant 'I'm going to lead...'

pg16:Money is still money, even if it’s forty years ago.

 

I think you meant 40 years old.

Pg17:For some reason, Renfield seemed to remember something called “Quaris” being a friendly to a Dracula.

 

This sentence confused me. I think you meant “'Quaris' being a friend to dracula.”, or being a friend of Dracula.

Pg18:The concept of a private military company was still its infancy when these pages were written

 

'was still in its infancy'

pg18: I'm not sure why Renfield needs the flashlight to read Rewer's name. He was reading the files without the need for light already.

Pg19:Between founding Quaris and bankrolling the Council, Renfield still had enough money to make Donald Trump look like a chump

 

I think you meant Rewer, not Renfield.

Pg20:He scanned dusty safe house room with his flash light.

 

'He scanned the dusty...'

pg22:He saw dark-haired man whom Renfield was pretty sure had some attachment to Stephanie along with the Asian woman

 

'He saw the dark-haired man...'

pg24:This time he definitely broke a rip

 

I think you meant broke a rib.

Pg24:'This man has issues with compensation issues'

 

pg25:”...but not until I’ve beaten ever answer out of you.”

 

every answer

I am looking forward to finding out exactly what Rewer wants to do with the Scholomance.

I liked the scene in the hospital. It helped me understand Irving more.

I am in the same boat as Rob in regards to the buyers plans. I am not sure if the deal between him and Irving has been clearly laid out yet, or if I've forgotten what the deal was.

I always assumed the buyer was a separate, unknown character, but now Mand has made me curious.

Pg1:Not much history, well, at least of the United States of America can.

 

I didn't understand this sentence.

I am fairly sure I am more desensitized to violence, but the way Renfield killed the guy attacking Stephanie didn't seem that insane to me. It was over the top, but I wouldn't think Evelyn would be scared enough to send him home.

I thought Rewar crushing that guys face was just as brutal, though it didn't take as long.

Pg9:The hot Dallas formed sweaty crystal along his black hair.

I think you forgot the word 'sun'.

Pg10:“What? You’re not going in the mood to tell explain your sinister plan?”

 

This sentence needs work.

Pg11:“On your knees, hands interlocked between your head.”

 

I think you meant behind your head.

Pg11: He clasped his hands over his ears, blocking him from most of the blunt of the blinding light.

 

I think flashbangs are loud, so blocking your ears would help with the sound. But it wouldn't help guard against the blinding light.

Pg20: I like how you told us what Irving's plan was in clear terms. Irving debating whether to tell Rebbecca about his plan was a great way to give the information to the reader. I might have missed it before, but until now I wasn't positive that Irving was working with someone in hope of making a deal with some supernatural force in order to help Rebbecca.

Sorry for the delayed feedback.

Thanks Mand .

pg8: I meant Lucifer felt that killing had become mundane. I'll have to clarify.

I changed the intruder from a male to a female after submitting chapter 1 last week. I'll have to go back and make sure it is clear though. I should have mentioned that, sorry.

I think I'll give the MC and Daryl a dog and have the intruder kill the dog when she breaks in. Would that make the unnecessarily violent murder seem a little less crazy in your opinion? 

I never go into much detail about who the MC kills other than their crimes; it's more about the MC's reaction to everything. I'll have to decide if this is a good idea or not though.

Thanks for reading something in a genre you normally wouldn't read .

I really liked the fights. The way each fallen angel died was exciting. You did a good job setting up an interesting story. And the cliffhanger at the end worked for me and made me want to keep reading.

I wanted to add to/respond to a few things Mand said.

Like Mand, I had a hard time coming to terms with what parts of the real world bible are accurate in regards to your story. 

Lucifer had been a fallen angel and the open antithesis of heaven for thousands of years before this, according to several religions.  We know he's the bad guy.

I actually thought having Lucifer show that he liked humans did a good job distancing the story from the bible, at least a little bit. It could explain why he is still in heaven.

The sense I got is that the timeline on earth happened the way real history happened, but the bible got only bits and pieces of information correct.

I think the inaction of the trinity is the main reason Lucifer is leading a revolution.

I agree that Lucifer could have attacked the Trinity instead of dropping his weapon.

I got the impression AuthorityHellas was trying for a third person omniscient voice in the story, but I wasn't sure.

Now for my own thoughts. There were a few plot points that gave me pause.

Hellas says that no one would believe Lucifer was behind the uprising, but then when he gets to Catherine he says they were right all along about Lucifer planning something.  It seems like they should have seen the connection.

Pg6: Lucifer says he asked Michael about Hellas on page 1, but then Hellas says that Michael will never believe that Lucifer is leading a revolt. What did Lucifer say to Michael that wouldn't make Michael suspicious of why Lucifer was asking about one of the most powerful angels in heaven?

Pg7:

I wish I didn’t,’ Hellas replied. ‘We’ve got trouble in the city.’ Any other day, this news would be enough to get Michael out of his gown and into his armour. But the idiot chose now to wave a hand dismissively”

 

   Why was today different?

I dont find it plausible that Lucifer would be able to fight his way inside the temple housing the Trinity without anyone noticing. Hellas had to rouse everyone, rather than an alarm going up because angels were dieing. The temple had guards, and there were fallen angels standing out front. Someone would have noticed something.

Pg13:

Lucifer summoned his wings and catapulted himself into the air, smashing through the skylight at the top of the cylindrical chamber

 

Why didn't Lucifer use the skylight to get in and avoid some of the guards?

Looking forward to reading chapter 1 . Partly to find out what parts of the bible are 'real' in your story. I love re-tellings and stories about alternate history, and this story seems like it could be both a sort-of re-telling of the bible as well as an alternate history for earth.

Any and all feedback is appreciated .

I'd like to submit as well this week.

Thanks rd.

I'm going to have to at least re-write the whole prologue, if not get rid of it and incorporate the information throughout the story.

The next chapter goes into more detail about the MC's past and why he is so crazy, as well as more information about Daryl's disability. You are right about me needing to research sociopaths in order to make sure the MC's mental problems are realistic. I will definitely have to read all I can on the subject. 

Like Mand, I also liked the scene with Renfield attacking the predator. One problem I had with its setup though is that I think the predator would either have ensured all the monsters were dead, or ran farther away before assaulting Stephanie.

The reasons the hunters were fired makes Irving calling them for help seem like not such a bad idea. The predator was the exception, but the scene where Irving called him did a nice job in pointing out how Irving regretted calling him immediately after hanging up.

The fire-fight seemed to be too one sided. The monsters weren't really hurt at all until the flashbang. 

I'm excited to see how Irving will use Jason to try to capture Stephanie. I have a feeling Irving won't be very concerned about Jason's safety when they try to capture her. I'm also curious as to whether or not Dracula will make an appearance. I won't feel cheated if he doesn't show up; it is just a small mystery that makes me want to keep reading.

pg4: I need the mom to die, and the cop to accidently kill her. It is convenient how it happened, I agree. I'll have to try to think of something a little less convenient.

pg4: Yea, he did count the swings. I wanted to convey just how crazy the MC was.

In 1866 the laws changed so that police couldn't shoot anyone who ran from them. That is a minor point that doesn't really need to be included, so it might be best to just remove it. This may be wrong, which is another reason to just remove it.

pg12: I wanted Dave to look like an idiot, but the female cop to be a good example of a police officer.

The intruder in chapter 1 was just a thief. I'll have to make that clearer.

The intruder in the prologue was there for the mother, but I don't think that is clear at all. I'll have to fix that. The intruder in the prologue killed the dad, so in the MC's and Mom's mindset, he deserved to die.

I try to make the character more relate-able in the next chapter, though I am not sure if it will counteract just how crazy and homicidal he is.

I am trying to make sure the story isn't your basic devil soul-trade deal, but the direction I'm going might still be too cliche. If willing, I'd love to submit the next chapter and see whether you like the direction the story goes.

I am completely unsure about the level of gore I want in the story. I want people to feel uncomfortable at times, but not enough to stop reading. 

That was all incredibly helpful, thank you .

If you wanted some feedback on your NaNo book I'd be more than happy to read it.

Thanks in advance for the feedback.