2012 Sep 10 - cjhuitt - Blue Crystals D2 Chapter 2

[cjhuitt he/him]

This is to discuss Blue Crystals (Draft 2), Chapter 2.

In chapter 1, we met Jorah as he was threatened with conscription by some city guards, then helps his group of small-time thieves with a robbery.

Large parts of chapter 2 will seem familiar for many of you. I hope you can enjoy this take on it, though you could skip it and still know the important plot elements.

I'm looking for any feedback, but also specifically the following:

- The blocking and pace of the action.

- The descriptions; both amount and content.

- Anything especially good or bad in the writing.

Thanks.

[Glaring at the Survivor he/him]

I didn't get any email with/about this. Did anyone else?

Edited October 2, 2012 by Stroniax

[akoebel]

I didn't get any email with/about this. Did anyone else?

I didn't either.

[cjhuitt he/him]

My mistake. Apparently I sent it to myself instead of reading excuses. That should be corrected soon.

[Glaring at the Survivor he/him]

Mostly, on my first read through, I only noticed spelling errors.

Soon enough, eh saw a line of...

Did you mean he?

He’d just have to tell the others he couldn’t get the back.

Pack?

but the moved increasingly quickly word the hill.

Toward?

The bodies had been coming after him, but maybe they and stopped.

Had?

Good cliffhanger keep writing!

Edit:

I'm looking for any feedback, but also specifically the following:

- The blocking and pace of the action.

- The descriptions; both amount and content.

- Anything especially good or bad in the writing.

The pacing was good, I was looking forward to the next page—and now, the next chapter.

There wasn't too much description, or too little. And I didn't notice anything exceptionally bad or good yet.

Edited November 5, 2012 by Stroniax

[akoebel]

I'm sorry to come so late with so little.

To be honest, this chapter didn't work for me.

Not that it was badly written - it wasn't. It just didn't hold my interest. I know this doesn't help, but I thought about it a lot, and I still don't really understand why.

I think my major issue here is that I didn't care for the character. I liked the first chapter despite Jorah's presence (I liked the other characters way better), but here, it's all him, and I couldn't care for him. At some point, I wished he would get caught by the hands, but it didn't happen.

The zombie hands thing might also be a bit over the top for me, like I was watching a bad horror movie from the eighties.

Chapter 3 looks much better : I'll critique it right away.

[cjhuitt he/him]

I'm sorry to come so late with so little.

No problem, I'm happy to get the feedback.

To be honest, this chapter didn't work for me. [...]I think my major issue here is that I didn't care for the character.

I had expected something similar after people's comments in the first chapter. As I said, I'm considering ways to make Jorah more likable right away. I'm also considering if I should have quite so much fighting at the testing grounds in this chapter, but I'm not sure if I should change it or not. If I do, however, that may also help keep people interested through the chapter.