How’s this draft 4 Prologue

[BenKenobi7333 He/Him/Mandalorian]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10f-oeuuz_luXa31e-Hic9szWZqOTVsw_w5y7vhpT9_8/edit?usp=drivesdk
 

This is the link. Some tips would be nice and keep them positive. But if I need to have some big advice then I’ll accept. But please keep it nice this is the first time I’m showing my work to anyone.

[JDharmawan]

Hey Ben

The link is not public. Do we need to request access?

[BenKenobi7333 He/Him/Mandalorian]

Sorry it should be fixed now @JDharmawan

[JDharmawan]

Cool! I've got to go somewhere now, but I'll give it a read as soon as I can. 

[JDharmawan]

Hey Ben

I’m giving you a long feedback. I know it takes a lot of bravery to put your work up here. My comments may sound harsh but please don’t take it as insults. I genuinely find your world very intriguing and I would love to know more. But there is a lot of things that you can change to make your writing better. I really hope that my comments help you. Please don’t stop writing, you can only get better!

Overall Read Comments:

I think the excerpt is missing the point of being a prologue. What does a prologue mean to me? 2 things: 1. briefly introduce me about the theme of the book (is the world gonna be gritty or lighthearted?) 2. Make me want to turn to chapter one.

Right now it reads a lot like an encyclopedia or a “World Guide to Eteran”. I don’t think this is what you should do, because you’ll scare readers away with this much information dump. In fact, wouldn’t it be amazing if you use these amazing worldbuilding you have and make a cool scene out of it as you write your chapters? There’s no need to tell us every world facts in the prologue. Use your story to show it.

Nitpicks + Specific Stuffs:
First sentence could be much more impactful! Try:
“Lord Skiinn watched <insert Vatti’s denonym here> beat each other and run off or steal things.”

And keep the paragraph to just one sentence. It’ll have much more impact!
Think “Ash fell from the sky.”

Para 3: Watch out for pronouns. Can get confusing if you’re referring to the thief or Lord Skiinn. 

Para 5: “If he saw the same thief…” <- be careful with this sentence. It sounds contradictory to your previous characterisation. Why would he bother to kill the thief if he sees him again if he’s cruel enough to be dispassionate to his own daughter?

I noticed you like to use the word ‘dark’ a lot. It’s a little too abstract. I used the word a lot too when I first start writing, and I got criticised for it . Try to reduce ‘dark’ and actually describe how it is? What kind of feeling does it evoke? Is it terrifying? Does it make you feel lonely? Helplessness?

Also I think it’ll be cooler if you hide Emperor Shoel more. Mention the Families, Verania, the Forner and the Famorians later in the story. The less your reader know about your big bad guy, the more terrifying he’ll be.

Think: Lord Ruler and Firelord Ozai.

Let me know if you need more comments! Happy writing