February 20 - Yados - The Mortal Coil - Chapter 3 [L]

[Yados]

Alright. Third chapter! Things start moving towards... stuff. I'll slap a light L warning here, because sometimes there just isn't a better word than "shite". I think it's just in there once...

Summary thus far:

Coil is the son of immortals. Well, dead immortals. Well, probably dead immortals. Less 'probably dead' is his sister, Rae, who has just died of plague. This was very much in the modern fashion as The Land, previous inhabited by immortal humans from across the Endless Sea, is currently inhabited by mortal humans from across the Endless Sea. No one knows the reason for this, but few are happy about it.

In the wake of the previously stated tragedy, Coil is called upon by visitors. Both of these encounters were unsettling, but they also both got in the way of Coil's grief-forged goals. First he will lay his sister to rest beyond the Sight. Next, he will kill Death. That the two have a history only makes it personal and will be fleshed out at a later date.

Getting out of the Watches is a trickier thing than expected because Coil's ill-defined romantic partner, Irn, is on guard. Upon realizing the gravity of the situation, he insists to come along with Coil to his vigil. Coil, knowing the costs, denies him. They are interrupted by Irn's sister, the witchy and severe Fen. Somehow, she knows all about Coil's trouble and sends Irn off on a false task. Coil is free to leave everything he has ever known.

Coil then enters the Expanse beyond the Watches and the sequence of events that plays through this chapter.

[cjhuitt]

Surprisingly, I don't see that anyone else has commented on this yet. I have to assume that many are in college and knee-deep in projects, essays, and what-have-you, plus making plans for spring break.

So anyway, my overall impression from this chapter is that things got weird. I mean, I know they were odd before, what with the interesting vegetation, then potential immortality of people in the past, and some apparent magic, but in this chapter I felt like things really got a bit off-the-wall. We'll get to it shortly.

At the beginning, when describing the expanse, I got confused over whether anything was allowed to grow there or not. You mention that it was razed and salted, then go on to talk about things that are allowed in the watches. On my second or third read, I can see you probably switch back to talking about the expanse when mentioning not letting the vegetation thrive where it couldn't be uprooted, but I think the paragraph could be made more clear. Possibly shortened somewhat as well.

You say that the thought of Coil and his mother in the expanse was a pain to him. I wonder if the reason why it is a pain is suppose to be a mystery, or if it was supposed to be painful because his mother is dead? It also isn't exactly clear.

I thought the halting explanations were interesting, but they seemed a little odd in the chapter, especially where they were placed. For the first part of the chapter, this is the only dialog, and it kind of sticks out.

"Rae was not consoled and continued to be deceased." I liked this line, and the following one about the therapeutic value of talking to a corpse. Just FYI. This one in the same paragraph, though, I didn't understand: "At least silence could contain."

In the description of the meat from Fen, you use "savory" and "dried meat" together. Savory to me usually implies something almost the opposite of dry. Not drowning in liquid, exactly, but not lacking it either. I thought the combination of these words was odd, maybe in a good way, but I don't know. I thought I'd point it out since this is, after all, a critique.

I also thought the memories of Im were... not out of place exactly, but they stuck out a bit as well. It makes me wonder how much of a role Im is going to play in the rest of the story, such that we might want to know how he reacts to events like those remembered. Remembering gives Coil depth, also, but I'm not sure how much more depth we need from Coil at this point, either. Right around here, I was starting to want something to happen.

"That night, Coil fought for sleep fitfully and wrapped in his mother's coat." I thought the way this was phrased was a little odd also.

Anyway, a few paragraphs after I was hoping for some action to liven things up, something happens. As I mentioned before, I thought it got weird, but it starts out in the nicely fantastical sort of weird that I sometimes enjoy. A blinded man using tattooed eyes on his fingers to see through, that is neat while still being the cause of a bit of shivers. The glowing tattoos was interesting, as well. I also liked that they start off debating if Coil is a threat, nicely turning the tables on what I expected, which is the three of them being a threat to him. (They still are, but I don't recall things being considered that way from the other side nearly as often as might be desired.)

Once the others start being described, to me it starts turning into more of a freak show than the nicely fantastical imagery given by the first man. I don't mind it too much until the boy on the end of the chain makes an appearance, at which point I start to get a little overwhelmed, and wondering if every one of them has to be odd for oddness sake. It isn't enough to keep me from reading, and indeed you may have an explanation for it waiting right in the next chapter, but it is something that concerns me.

I think it's mostly the fact that I find it hard to relate to the boy's behavior, or to understand or anticipate the behavior of any of the other three men either. I hate to suggest fixes, since you know better than I do what you are going for, but it also occurs to me everything through here reads as if it's a half-step removed from Coil. It makes me wonder if some of the problems I have with this part of the story stem from the fact that I'm reacting in a variety of ways, but Coil doesn't seem to be reacting much at all. If I had a reaction I could identify with from the main character, perhaps everything would seem better.

[Yados]

First of all, thank you so much for going through all of these chapters. I am sorry I have been so horrid about responding in turn. It's mostly, because I've been horrid about getting any new writing done. But I'm trying to fix that.

This was definitely a weird chapter, which really ins't something I considered when I was writing it. The next chapter has swords made of blood, giant prehistoric sloths, Nails to the skull, and songs that shape snow. So yeah... the chapter would have had ghosts and a tavern that had expanded into a village.

... But that's the other thing. I'm going to do another pass at this because I think there are a lot of things which you picked up on that just aren't working. Not the weirdness. I really don't think I could do that any other way.

For one, you're certainly right about Coil's relatability once things get weird. I can't really find a way to strike a good balance there and, in the end, I think it's because of a few things.

One, he's a mix of two character types which don't really mix. He's out on his own in an unfamiliar place, going on a journey-- basically a Bilbo Baggins/Arthur Dent. But then he also seems capable and has high aspirations-- killing Death-- which haven't been treated as folly within the narrative. So he comes off as inconsistent.

The quest narrative doesn't work either. It exacerbates what's already wrong. Also, the main story takes place within the walls of Vern, not out in the lands beyond. I started my first draft of this book with Coil and Death meeting, after all of this stuff. That had problems too, but they were very different problems.

I'm glad I've freewritten up to this point. I like making character discoveries. Spider, Fen, Irn, Finder-- none of these characters were in my first draft, but I like them very much. They'll be woven into the new story.

But I think I'm going back to the drawing board with this. I'm going to outline at least 3/4 before I start writing and I'm going to make it a bit more cohesive. I really do need to learn to outline. Once I start actually writing from the outline, I'll post it on here.

It's going to feature a lot of the same characters, but I think I'm going to weave the threads a bit differently. I'll keep it inside the watches, for one. I might also add a second pov within the walls. I don't think Rae will be dead from the outset and, hopefully, if I have a more complex plot, I can build up the Watches a little bit before the plot starts up in earnest.

This is my plan, it may work out.

Seriously, thanks for reading and feedback. I'm going to keep all of it close at mind when doing my new take at this.