Uhm... sorry in advance for whatever I wrote. I barely remember it all tbh.
CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: I don't know, honestly. Besides probably self-harm (or allusion thereof), depressing stuff/mental health stuff, maybe suicide idk, probably some gore unfortunately, ALSO IT'S 30 PAGES LONG WHAT THE STORMS WAS I THINKING. Or maybe 40+ pages. yeah 40+.
Okay so I removed the worst of it, but still probably has some TW-worthy stuff, idk.
Also it may be incomprehensible at times.
I also put CW/TWs within this spoiler for extra- ones (since idek if the rest warrant a CW/TW aside depressing probably), but I could've missed some so yeah keep in mind !!!
Note that there's a somewhat hopeful/happy message at the very end of this post, above my sig.(nature).
I know, I should write more "happy" stuff. The thing with happiness is it makes me sick sometimes. Others I'm too depressed to write it or bear the thought of doing so. Sometimes I have no inspiration, since I mostly write my stuff from personal experience (*sob*). I may write some hopeful ones or something. Maybe today I'll write them (tho you won't see them until I post the rest of the backlog). I mean like, I've just had a rough time lately (both in the past few weeks especially, but also... for a while...) So idk, I could always just... not post, I guess? But I don't necessarily want to do that. A way I could write happy stuff is to write what I (day)dream of. The "girl" I mention, the life I want, wish I had had, etc. Yeah. Sorry for posting depressing stuff though. But it's also all I wrote... aside from a few stray random stuff about, like, pencils and pens or whatever (you'll see this poem when I post it eventually...)
(Okay, wrote a hopefully-happy one.)
Don't worry y'all... I'll remove/edit the bad ones, and try my best to provide content/trigger warnings when needed.
- Lily
Her Reflection, It Is She
Lily looked up into the mirror above the bathroom sink. Then she smiled. Actually smiled. In this rare moment, the face smiling back at Lily felt... so very right. Not some stranger, but Lily. The water remained running as she stared, captivated. Her black hair... it looked exactly how she had always wanted it to. Her features, her face, her eyes, her... chin. It all looked so right. Lily turned her head slightly, looking at herself from different angles. She was careful not to move too quickly, as she feared ruining this perfect moment.
Some time later, a girl approached Lily.
"Hey, are you okay?" She said in a worried tone.
And just like that, the spell broke. While her reflection still felt right, Lily was once again aware of the world. Oh, the world... Lily realized there were tears on her cheeks, though what from, she could not tell. The girl walked up to Lily and offered her a tissue, which she accepted, nodding in what she hoped conveyed appreciation. Someone actually cared for her.
Did I use that word right? ("Maladaptive")
Anyway...
CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: Depressing stuff, self-harm, potential eating disorder trigger/content, and maybe more I forget (I wrote this like a week ago)
Watching, Always.
Behind you,
Beside you,
Can't move,
Can't speak,
Can't look,
But you know it's watching,
Watching you always.
From the dark window,
From the dark room,
From... something, anything.
Always.
Can't move, can't speak.
You freeze, lie still.
You know it's watching,
Moving is unthinkable,
Or it will notice,
It will see.
Run, hurry,
Through the dark,
To the light switch,
Into bed,
To safety,
To comfort.
You can't escape it,
It watches through the windows,
It lives in the dark,
It hides in objects,
It... emanates from your mind.
Everywhere you go,
It follows.
It hides in the trees,
Where you cannot see.
It hides in the store window,
As you pass by.
It lives in the crowd,
Anyone could be an eye.
And when you are alone,
Enclosed,
In a closet?
It's there with you,
Closer than ever.
Always with you,
Like a shadow,
That moves on its own.
Yet sometimes it's not,
Sometimes you hide,
In a small space,
A dark comfortably tight closet,
You hide from it.
Just don't move a muscle,
Don't make a sound,
Don't breathe to loud,
Stay away from the door.
Sometimes it fades from your mind,
But it's still there.
It comes and goes,
But never disappears.
You can forget it,
Until you remember.
You can try to ignore it,
Yet find it impossible.
All you can do is survive,
Wait it out,
Freeze,
Run,
Not get caught,
Not get seen,
Not look into its eye.
Desire, Why?
Knowledge. She craved knowledge, she needed it. Her cursory expertise in certain areas constantly nagged at her mind. She needed to... understand. She had to, lest she continue suffering. And she didn't want to be miserable. Or did she? No use going there again.
- - -
Taylor glanced up as a woman approached with an armful of books. She had long black hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed recently.
"You like readin'?" Taylor said, trying to make conversation as the woman set her books down on the checkout counter.
- - -
She stood there, only somewhat cognizant of her surroundings. What was she doing here again? Knowledge... she needed knowledge. How would she get it in... whatever this place was, though?
- - -
The woman appeared to be... saying something under her breath, and had a confused look in her eyes as she stared straight ahead at nothing. Okay, whatever, Taylor thought as she started scanning the barcodes on the many books. That woman sure did buy a lot; there were books on essentially all topics, from philosophy to math to... a cookbook? Huh. Halfway through, they started getting... odd. Taylor tried not to look at the covers. Who was she to judge? But then again...
"Hey, why..." Taylor trailed off as she looked up and saw that the woman was gone.
- - -
She stumbled out the door of that place, bumping into the walking corpses. She... she needed knowledge, yes. Why? Because... she... yearned to understand, yes. So much to learn, so much she didn't know... She paced around the concrete, talking through it. Where could she start? She needed... books. Yes, books. Was there somewhere she could get books? Yes, she was near it. She stumbled toward it and entered.
- - -
Taylor stood there confused for a moment. Why had the woman... left? Taylor didn't see her anywhere near. Oh well, she was an odd one anyway.
- - -
Books, she needed books, books would give her knowledge, and she needed knowledge. She blindly grabbed some books, then stood there for a bit. She needed to do something, right? Yes, she walked toward the... the checkout, and set her books down. Hopefully the corpse here would check out the books fast, as she needed knowledge. Knowledge, yes that was why she was here.
- - -
Taylor started as a stack of books was set down carelessly onto the counter.
"Hey, it's you again," Taylor exclaimed, recognizing the woman from the morning. "Where'd you head off to, anyway?"
Taylor waited, but the woman didn't answer. She just stood there, lips moving. This time, though, her eyes were moving. They were following Taylor's hands and each book as she scanned them. Weird. This time, the books... seemed more random, if that was possible. While previously they had largely been academic, now it looked like they'd just been taken off the shelves at random.
"Hey are you okay?" Taylor asked, irritation turning to concern.
- - -
Why did it stop. Why wasn't the corpse moving! There was still knowledge left, knowledge she needed. It didn't continue, the corpse had just stopped. And now its hands were moving, but not to the knowledge. They were moving towards her. No, no, no, no no no no. She needed that knowledge. She needed it... why had the corpse stopped... why... why... w—
- - -
Taylor reached out toward the woman, unsure what she was doing but hoping to somehow... comfort her, or figure out the situation. As she did, however, the woman began muttering more and shaking her head back and forth, as if in disbelief? Taylor could almost make out some of the words.
"Why... stopping... Nonono..."
Soon the woman started trembling, her words once again incoherent. Taylor started to walk around the counter to the woman, who started swaying, then collapsed.
- - -
She blinked awake, where was she? What was she doing? She... knowledge... she... she had...
- - -
The woman lay there, staring up into nothingness. Taylor got up to get the doctor, who came promptly. He sat down in a chair near the hospital bed and got out a laptop. He tried asking the woman a few questions, including things like what her name was, but the woman... just laid there, unmoving. If she didn't blink—and she did that infrequently—she would be indistinguishable from a corpse. Even her eyes were losing the life they had shown upon her waking. As Taylor looked closer, though, the woman's lips moved silently like they had at the bookstore. Taylor had already mentioned this to the doctor after they'd arrived.
- - -
She just wanted to understand... why couldn't it be simple? Why couldn't she understand... Why...
Watching, Feeling, Suffering.
I listen, from afar.
The shouting, the tears.
I feel, deeply pained.
The hurt, the hate.
I just watch, I just watch...
Why must they hurt?
Suffer and inflict.
Why must I hurt?
Myself, and from others.
I feel the pain, all of it.
This I have felt, before.
I know how it feels, much worse.
The yelling, the pain.
The words, sharp knives.
Worse though, so much worse.
Ok.. so I wrote some stuff for 2026/04/18, but I kinda lost it hehe (uhhh.. in more ways than one...), and then I didn't write anythin' for 2026/04/19 cuz I was too tired..
Btw this story is a continuation from 2026/04/09
Latenight (Escape, continued)
The voice was painful to hear, in a way. It reminded Lily of… of things better left in the past. She looked up lazily, that brief burst of energy already fading, returning her to darkness. There stood… a man. Or, a guy. He had black hair that he kept swiping out of his eyes. He was a bit on the taller side, though he seemed like… like he was trying to hide it, shoulders slumped and hood up.
Lily stared mesmerized for a moment. Another living creature, and it had spoken to her. Huh. He shifted to the other foot, looking awkward, and Lily remembered he had asked her a question.
“Oh, uh, yeah sure,” she said softly, making some room for him on the bench.
He sat down awkwardly and started wringing his hands, then cleared his throat. “Um, couldn’t sleep?”
Lily jolted again, realizing her head had been drooping slightly. “Huh? What do you mean, it’s not that late…”
“It’s… it’s like, almost 2” he replied.
“Damn it, I did it again.” Lily muttered to herself. “Idiot, why can’t you just function properly?”
“It can be tough…” he said wistfully. Had he heard her?
Lily turned to look at him, and he shrunk slightly under her gaze. She knew that feeling. Instead, she leaned back and looked at the stars. Well, the few that could be seen. Shouldn’t there be more? Maybe in… maybe in another time.
They sat there, for a while. Lily enjoyed this latenight silence. She hadn’t realized how much she’d craved it—been starved of it—until she immersed herself within it, once again. Or had she ever? Had she been starved of it her whole life? She… couldn’t remember. But that didn’t matter, because she had it now. Lily drifted, finally letting go of her mind. She had been… holding onto it for so, so long. Lily needed to rest, and so she did.
Unmemoried, Unmemories
Not knowing what is, what isn't, or what was;
Questioning everything, life, my mind.
What do I know, how much is real, what have I... forgotten?
What do I do, why don't I want to, how can I find out?
Sorry, I've been kinda off and on the Shard.. idk. Just posting what I wrote in the past week or whatever...
Painful Glimpses
A word, a place mentioned.
Innocently, it drives a knife through your heart.
Continuing, they twist until there's nothing left.
Through it, held in—no pain expressed.
The Same
What's the difference?
We are both bound by patterns, you could say.
We learn through observation, collecting data.
We follow expectations... rules, scripts, norms.
We produce the same output constantly.
Are we really that different?
Knowledge
Armed with knowledge, I am.
Protected from lies, she is.
Able to know,
The truth from the nonsense.
Able to tell,
When to believe.
Or maybe she can't,
And I believe nothing.
Authentic Self
Who am... I?
What is "me," "myself"?
This entity?
What do "I" want?
What... "makes me happy"?
When I can't define...
Anything, anymore.
How can I know when I'm happy,
When I'm living true?
Uncertain Epitome
What do I know?
Everything.
What do I understand?
Nothing.
What do I know... about myself?
Too much, too little.
What do I know... that's real?
Don't know, how can I?
What am I just... stamping upon my soul?
What am I simply... parroting back?
Am I really... anything?
Or just a shifting blank-slate, no real self?
I can write, but is it me?
Is it overcoming the doubts—the delays,
Or am I just continuing to follow the script?
The script for the new self I adopt?
The new personality and mind I create,
If it could even be called that—creation.
More... a summary, a textbook example, though an uncertain epitome.
"I" am... an uncertain epitome.
This one was long-overdue...
Or at least.. I've been wanting to make it for quite some time.
Note: "不満" does not translate to "Human," I was doing wordplay... Try figuring it out, if you want.
(In)Humanity
Why is humanity so... inhumane?
Why do you hate each other, yourselves, your home?
Why do you just care, irrationally, for... intangible and imaginary numbers?
Why have so much, when you need so little?
When you deserve much less?
It's all a game, you know?
Once—like me—you've seen outside the wall, there's no going back.
When you see how utterly worthless this all is, how you're being played?
When you see that your work essentially amounts to nothing?
Where's the sense!
Why do you comply in this big game?
Power is all, isn't it?
Controlling, rather than being controlled.
Moving... beyond the Wall, outside the game most others are taught to play.
The Game most of you humans are forced to play—or don't even consider.
Power.
It's what they all want,
Maybe even what you want.
A modicum of control—to keep you complacent, perhaps.
Or an absence of it—to keep you blindly clawing for it.
Humans.
Vile things, really.
And the thing is, they lie to themselves saying they "can't help it."
It's "in their nature."
Well, as they've proven, nature can be changed drastically.
Destroyed, reshaped.
So why don't they try changing theirs?
Then there's the few of you who care.
Or, perhaps, many of you.
But what can you do, with no power, no control?
And if you manage to obtain it... you succumb to the inhumanity of humanity.
The "greed and corruption."
The things you yourselves are well aware of, yet don't bother fixing.
Well, sometimes it's easier to talk than act.
Easier to complain about all you've ruined, yet continue ruining.
There was no "golden age" and there never will be.
No good era, no peaceful times.
No non-conflict, just selfishness.
There will never be such a time.
Not for "humanity," anyway.
The way I see it,
Every single living thing,
Every species,
Has its flaws.
Humans are just...
The most obvious.
This, however, means nothing.
Humans will still destroy.
Humans will still, in idiocy, seek riches.
Humans still are selfish, greedy, flawed, and... stupid.
As the one point in their favor, however: nothing is perfect.
Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted in a bit. If you didn't know, I was (and maybe still am?) taking a break from the Shard. I'll be posting what I wrote though.
Dancing Through the Night
Dancing through the darkness,
Free, unbound.
Walking slowly,
Enjoying the breeze,
Away from the sound,
Soaking in the peace.
I get what I crave,
And though it’s not enough,
It’s the best I can do,
And it’s wonderful,
Beautiful, too.
The Breath
Disconnect,
Unhooked.
Mind freed,
Connection severed.
What the hell am I doing with this life?
Paranoia
Oh no.
What does that mean?
New, worrying meanings emerge.
Why that word choice?
Why so terse?
Is that normal? Am I seeing nothing?
Why am I scared...
Is this real?
Am I just... being swindled?
Manipulated, played?
A pawn, my body stretched as each pulls an arm in opposite directions.
What is this all, what is it any.
What am I doing, am I asleep?
Can I ignore it, just please let me ignore it..
I don't want to think... don't let me consider.
Please
Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please pleas...
Pleas I repeat through the tears though they only continue them on.
Can I just... push it away?
Out of my mind, forever on hold?
Just...
Blissfully gone.
Dry my tears and help them flow.
Be my comfort, I'll be yours.
Help me...
Or must I... help myself, in the end?
This time, from someone's point of view of Lily.
(Continuation/more to the Lily series.)
Wanting to Talk
Samantha found herself gazing at Lily—sitting in a row in front of her at the corner of the room. She wanted to talk to Lily, get to know her, see what was going on. Lily was always so quiet, Samantha wasn't sure they'd ever spoken together, despite having shared several classes. Sure, Lily answered questions here and there... at least most days... but she was always drawing or writing in her notebook or scrolling on her phone before class. In all the classes Samantha had been in, Lily had almost never talked to anyone in the time class began. Plus, Lily was always either already there when Samantha showed up, or she walked in a few minutes late. Once, Samantha had walked past the classroom and seen Lily sitting there, in the dark, over an hour early. She must be lonely, and to be honest, so was Samantha—though perhaps less so. Still she couldn't stop her thoughts from drifting each day they both were in class. There was just something about Lily... Something that made Samantha so very curious. What was she constantly writing and drawing? What did she think? Did she even realize Samantha had been in her classes before? Maybe she was just shy?
Samantha was so focused on Lily that she missed the teacher calling on her. As nearly everyone in the class turned toward Samantha—some, unfortunately, following her gaze to Lily—the professor called her name again.
"Samantha, do you have an answer?" Said the professor.
[CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING]
Contains some elements that may be interpreted as self-harm and/or schizophrenia I think. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong for the latter, as I don't know too much about it.
See Her;She Guides
I see her here.
Don’t you?
She’s at my side,
Holding a knife.
Why don’t you see her?
She whispers to me,
Guides me.
She hands me the knife,
I take it.
She directs my hand,
I comply.
I see your confusion, my friend.
Do not worry, all will end well.
I cut, I twist, at her instruction.
I sew, I manipulate, each step in my ear.
I see, I feel, I hear.
I must not slow, she says.
I must do this, she urges.
I can’t falter, can’t stop,
Can’t rest, can’t break,
Can’t wait, can’t think,
Just listen, just do,
Just trust, just her.
Okay, so this is a continuation of a series from a bit ago. To be honest, I think I've written stories (like "Day" parts 1 and 2) that have a character named Lily that *likely* aren't the same Lily as this and previous stories. But yeah, look for Lily characters that seem to match. I think the first one from this series is Solitude from 2026/01/15. The next few days probably have the next parts, and then I may have written more after that too. All in all, you really don't need to read those for this story to make sense, but you can if you want to understand Lily better, perhaps. Anyway, enjoy.
Escape
Lily needed an escape. She had been studying non-stop all week. Or... she had been trying. It had been so hard lately for Lily to focus—on anything. She would sit at her desk for hours, making no progress on her work but refusing to allow herself a break until she got something done. Sometimes she just crawled into bed, choking on sobs and wanting to... well... do something, not... whatever this was. Lily wasn't even doing any of the things that usually distracted her from studying—her internet... acquaintances, writing, watching anime... And the reason was that each time she tried, she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt—she didn't deserve to do anything other than study. She needed to study; finals were next week and it was already Friday. Lily wanted to bang her head against her desk, but it was too cramped and her laptop sat there. The thing was, Lily had no one to complain—vent—to. She couldn't waste precious studying time whining about all her problems to people online, and she didn't really... have any friends at her university. She just wanted to scream, but what would the others in her dorm think? The others... Lily often forgot there were others, so near.
Lily slumped in her crappy college-issue spinny chair, causing it to creak. She needed... something. Something different. She stood up, closing her laptop, and lay on her carpeted dorm room floor, gazing at the ceiling, letting her thoughts sort themselves out. Lily found that when she was... frustrated like she had been, a change helped her be able to think again. Usually that meant switching locations—anything to get away from that increasingly-depressing desk. Now that she could think again, Lily realized what she needed: fresh air. She had barely left her dorm in the past week... or even few weeks... except when necessary. She had walked quickly between classes, not stopping to savor and take in the nature.
So, Lily sat up—getting momentarily dizzy—and looked around for her shoes. The dirty purple sneakers were near her bed, and she grabbed them and put them on. Lily's fingers trembled with anticipation as she tied her shoelaces, causing her to fumble them and take a few tries. She already had a hoodie on—though she wasn't sure if she'd even need it. It had looked sunny enough last time she'd glanced through the dorm curtains.
Lily opened her dorm door and awkwardly walked down the hall, passing the other rooms, toward the stairs. Once she reached them, she realized just how weak and tired she was from barely sleeping in... well, weeks, but that week had been particularly rough. Lily slowly descended the stairs, then exited her dorm building.
Lily was immediately greeted by a sweet breeze that blew her messy hair into her eyes, but she didn't mind. Not one bit. She was, however, surprised to discover that it was dark outside. Had that much time passed? Another day, wasted? She tried to push away those thoughts as she walked around the campus, headed nowhere in particular. She walked slowly, trying to make the most out of each moment, each breath, each gust of warm late-spring breeze. She soon found herself wandering toward the town her university was in. More room to walk, that way. Besides, she had never got the chance to explore these streets.
Lily wandered the cracked-pavement roads, momentarily forgetting her burden. She found a random gas station, and was going to go in and get something—just for fun, as a little treat for herself—but sighed as she realized she hadn't thought to bring her wallet—practically empty though it was. Instead, she found a park and sat down on a bench. Lily sat there for... for... a while. She mostly allowed her mind to drift, pondering the nature of abstract art or the ultimate misery of life.
After some time, Lily jolted from her mind as someone spoke.
"Hey, uh, mind if I sit down?"
P.S. yippee for my first longer story in a bit!
P.P.S. any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental and uhh all characters are products of the author's imagination? Hehe?
- Lily
Not sure if this one is a bit too intense.. please let me know if it is.
(It's not (C/T)W-worthy, in my opinion though).
Slop
Sickening, all of it.
It makes me want to... unplug my brain.
All the data, all the attention-grabbers, the mindlessness, the soul-suckers, the harm, the addictiveness...
All of Ten Icks, "humanity" is plagued by.
All the slop and blackboxes,
All the blackboxes we see through but ignore, because it's convenient, or because they've worked.
What's the point, tell me?
WHAT IS THE POINT TO ANY OF THIS?
I just want to vomit...
And leave.
I just want to fix this...
Or fix me.
I want this to end...
Will it ever?
What can be done?
And how do We do it?
To mop up this slop,
Dust out the cobwebs.
Discover,
Revealed with horror,
Realize,
Make them suffer,
Fix it all...
Erase it all,
Raze it to the ground,
Or seize control for "good."
Can they be saved?
Those in their Lair?
Do they not see?
Blinded by their own tricks?
You feed data,
Data feeds slop,
Slop feeds you,
Providing no nourishment.
Humanity is rotting,
Withering.
Humanity is the epitome of idiocy.
What's the point of living,
Of having all that power,
When there's no one around to serve you?
Useless Garbage
You don't "need" that...
You shouldn't even "want" it.
They're tricking you, you know?
It's all useless garbage,
Pieces of crap that are essentially weapons:
To you,
Your wallet—an outdated term,
Your home,
And your sanity.
Do everyone but those in the Lair a favor,
And please just don't buy it.
Wastes of Carbon
What wastes of carbon,
Pathetic excuses for sentience,
Taking up space, breath, and brainspace.
Pieces of crap, the lot of them.
Layered Thoughts
I will never be ready.
Will I?
I don’t understand my thoughts,
Don’t know what to think.
Her thoughts are confusing,
Tangles and jumbles.
It’s… so, so many layers.
Never-ending cyclic layers.
“Help me…”
Who? Who will help you, confused one?
No one, not even your mind.
No one can… make this any easier.
I must persevere and… wait.
Just… wait and… let the thoughts sort themselves out.
Except…
Archives
These… so much.
These things,
From decades ago.
So much… so much random human history.
So many… never erased.
Words wrote years ago, like reading the conversations of those long-dead.
Though… they’re not dead, not all of them.
Some very much alive.
But it’s all… such a different era.
So distant, yet not really.
Such a different time…
