Cosmere Death Threats

[TheBlueShifting he/him]

"If I launch you into the sky, what noise do you think you'll make when you hit the ground? Do you think you'll hear it before you die?"

Paraphrased from Mass Effect 2

 

Edited October 12, 2016 by TheBlueShifting

[Turbonator]

I'll feed you to a chasmfiend, right after using Hemalurgy to turn you into a creature that will forever lie in the chasmfiend's stomach, doomed to an eternity on cleanup duty. Well, until some silly Shardbearer kills the chasmfiend. Then you'll die.

[Farnsworth]

I will lock you in a room with Wit for a week. (actually, a room with me for a week would do essentially the same thing)

Edited October 26, 2016 by Figberts

[Aon Ati he/him]

What I find "funny" about this is that to me: a Cosmere fan, these are terrifying threats that if said to me would cause me to lock my doors and keep a weapon on my person for months. But to a non-Cosmere fan these phrases make no sense and would probably be passed off as mad ravings. That being said, my threat would be: "I will use your entire family to make you into a koloss."

[Calderis he/him]

I will use Hemalurgy to turn you into a broken Elantrian, and break your mind to lock you into an eternity among the Hoed. 

[Modal Seoul he/him]

"Tell me, do YOU want your name spelled wrong in the acknowledgments every time?"

[Nathrangking he/him]

I will tie you up in aluminum chains and make you a knight radiant. I will then take a hammer and shatter your bones. Then I will get you to suck in stormlight, heal and begin the process again. 

I will lock you in a room with both Sebarial and Hoid for a week.

I will make you an incomplete elantrian and then hand you off to Dilaf..

Edited October 2, 2017 by Nathrangking

[Shqueeves]

"You see this blackbane? My grandfather gathered it when he was just a lad. You want some?"

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

I will spike you with f-gold hemalurgic spikes that are coated in rubbing alcohol, and then toss you into a bucket of molten aluminum.

I will get the Ghostbusters to help me trap every shade on Threnody, and then I will surgically implant the ghost trap into your stomach so that I can release them into you all at once.

I will end your experience.

[Borio Singaldi he/him]

On 10/2/2017 at 6:19 AM, Captains Domon said:

"Tell me, do YOU want your name spelled wrong in the acknowledgments every time?"

Ha! #isaacstew@rt

[Modal Seoul he/him]

7 hours ago, Firerust said:

Ha! #isaacstew@rt

Ben Olsen.

[Sparkrunner he/him]

I will drop a Smedrybuster 500 on you.

I will sacrifice you on an altar of outdated encyclopedias, suspended of a boiling pool of acidic lava, filled with sharks who have killer kittens wielding chainsaws stapled to them.

[kiapet]

I saw this thread title and was like, "Please let this be a fun thing and not a real life event, please let this be a fun thing and not a real life event."

I have twitchy reflexes from fandoms that are waaaaay more toxic than the most Sanderfans.

Anyways, I'm going to kill you so hard, you'll skip the Cognitive Realm entirely.

[Sparkrunner he/him]

I will strap you to a slab of chull meat and toss you to a chasmfiend.

I will Break your Firebringer's lenses so that they fry your eyes.

I will make you discuss philosophy with a college of dinosaurs.

"Let's see if you can Burn this dirt for allomantic power, shall we?"

I will give you a goldfish.

I will give you a kitten. (Both are alcatraz references.)

[Nathrangking he/him]

I'll imbue you with the power of a shard and unleash the wrath of a deity who lacks context.

I'll help you learn the true meaning of a "the shattering of Adonalsium".

We'll see if glass knives agree with you.

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

I will kill you, and use pieces of your corpse to create armor that will distract the enemy.

I will make you the star of a Cosmere version of Lost, only you'll be on Patji.