April 22nd - akoebel - Shrouds Chapter 2

[akoebel]

This is chapter 2 for Shrouds.

 

Last time, I introduced two gods : Mahau and Arlon.

Now, I'm getting into the priesthood with the third POV Character Neda.

 

I'd love to have your thoughts on her character and relationship with her god.

[AdolinsGirloftheWeek she/her]

I liked Neda a lot - she had a nice confidence to her, and I liked her oddly casual relationship with Mahau. They have a fun dynamic and I'd like to see more it.

 

Having said that, I think their conversation may have run a little long. It slowed the pace a bit, and it did seem a little odd that she would argue/banter with him that long while a messanger from the greater gods waited. Since she seems like the more responsible one, I was also surprised he had to bring the subject up.

 

Overall, excited to keep reading more!

[Mandamon he/him]

Another good chapter.  Even though the story is dealing with some life and death matters, it still seems almost like light reading to me.  Not sure if it's Mahau's character or your writing style. Whichever the reason, it makes it easy to keep reading.

 

Some comments:

 

Pg1: "Where is the accursed man?"
 -should it be "accursed god?"  Or does Mahau's status as a lower god mean he's closer to human?

 

Pg2-4: You've got some good banter between Neda and Mahau.  I get a good feeling for the two characters and how they regard each other.  I didn't think it ran too long as I read it, but I see what Adolins is saying.  On the other hand, this builds good rapport between the two characters.

 

Pg5: "Hadn't Neda told him the grizzly man was a messenger for the greater gods, Mahau wouldn't have looked at him twice."
-This sentence is a little awkward...

 

Pg 5: "Mahau examined the shape of the messenger’s coat. Only one scroll could fit there, which meant this particular messenger only had one missive to deliver."
-I get your intent, but I'm having trouble imagining a coat that can only hold one scroll (along with the person in the coat).  Is it a very large scroll? 

Also, Mahau finds a note in the coat later, so it's not like it only has one pocket, or anything.  why can it only hold one scroll?

 

Pg 8: "The only thing Mahau needed to do was to appear shorter than he really was. This was easy using a space reducing Shroud on oneself."
-you're telling rather than showing.  Instead just show Mahau making the space-reducing shroud and take out that last sentence where he's explaining magic principles to himself, and also the few sentences in the next paragraph where he's desribing what it does.  You've already got the showing part, but you're telling too, and that makes it weaker.

 

Pg 8: "So, the messenger left his coat on purpose for Mahau's use."
-Again, you're over-telling.  The reader knows this from the note; you don't have to spell it out.

The story continues to be interesting.  I can't help but think Mahau going alone to a gathering of all five greater gods, without telling anyone, when we know the gods fight amongst themselves, is a bad idea...  I'm sure we'll find out soon.  I have to wonder if Mahau recognizes this is a risky action, or if there is so much unquestioning loyalty to the greater gods that he obeys without thinking.
Looking forward to more!

[cetriya she/her]

since I'm new, any way I can get the previous chapter (s) ?

[akoebel]

Thanks for these interesting comments.

 

The saying is not "Show, then tell"? :-)  

You're right, I tend to do that a lot. Looks like I missed a couple during the rewrite.

 

For Neda referring to Mahau as a man : I intended it to show her peculiar relationship with him. In her head, she considers him pretty much like a regular person, so she can curse at him, berate him, ...

 

For the message, you're right, I should change this to show there is a message case which can only contain one message - the case isn't in the coat as I've written by mistake.

[cetriya she/her]

I think this chapter has space for more world building. The only scenes I've gotten is the temples and night city streets. This chapter was just one long scene from Neda to Mahaus. I don't know how to picture the world so I'm defaulting to imagry from other fantasy stories. Your writing is light so don't be afraid to make your chapters longer. 

 

I feel that you should have some sort of scene to explain more of either character motivation and/ or magic/god system. You don't have to explain everything all at one time, but each chapter should add to the other. My specific questions is why does god Mahaus has hip problems and why do gods need guards  I don't mind waiting to find out how one gets their powers and  become gods since thats a significate part of the mystery. 

 

Like what others have said, you need to show more then tell and think about why you're showing something. 

 

I don't have enough of Neda or Mahaus to understand their characters or relationship, but this is not a bad point. I generally don't make opinions of person so quickly because people have layers to their personality. Just noting that you'll have to have them come up in the story more often and eventually explain their back story.