Trans Hangout Thread

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

9 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

It is exceptionless basically. If you were cis you wouldn't be trying to take feminizing hormone therapy, end of story

okay but what if I'm actually not trying that hard to get HRT?

8 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

@Usseewa another piece of advice for you

 

uhh I'll respond maybe to this later

[Aeoryi she/her]

2 hours ago, Usseewa said:

okay but what if I'm actually not trying that hard to get HRT?

uhh I'll respond maybe to this later

If you're over 18 you can try potentially trying a different method/source of obtaining hrt- the standard for informed consent doesn't typically entail you defending why you're trans

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

6 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

If you're over 18 you can try potentially trying a different method/source of obtaining hrt- the standard for informed consent doesn't typically entail you defending why you're trans

wdym

like diy? i don't know much abt it but i'd rather not

[Aeoryi she/her]

15 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

wdym

like diy? i don't know much abt it but i'd rather not

There's more than one doctor out there

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

There's more than one doctor out there

yeah true.. i think it's just me tho

[Aeoryi she/her]

3 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

yeah true.. i think it's just me tho

did you read what the other people said

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

did you read what the other people said

i think

[Aeoryi she/her]

2 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

i think

And...?

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

Just now, Aeoryi said:

And...?

what?

3 hours ago, Usseewa said:

okay but what if I'm actually not trying that hard to get HRT?

uhh I'll respond maybe to this later

you mean the "uhh ill respond later"?

gimea few girly minutes to respond

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

what?

you mean the "uhh ill respond later"?

Yeah

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

11 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

labels should serve people. people should not serve labels.

why do you keep saying this I don't understand

11 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

the reason you “don’t need hrt to be trans” is because there is no correct way to be trans.

I know that... in theory, at least.

everything i've been trying to say about how i'm confused may be a.. larger issue, since I've seen it with other areas of my life as well.

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

just do what you wanna and don’t worry so much about what to call it or if you’re doing it right or whatever

The "don't worry so much about what to call it" advice is good..

I always am like "omg this advice is so good" and then can't remember everything later and sigh..

As for the "don't worry about if you're doing it right"... I don't know. The issue is me not knowing if I'm actually doing what I want. I need to talk about this with my therapist lol... I actually kinda brought it up so we're prolly gonna talk abt it sometime. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. I think I finally had someone understand how storming difficult it is to think sometimes, and know what I think, and talk, and know what I feel, and stuff. At least we talked about part of the issue and will be discussing it in the future, like next time or whatever.

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

and “uhhh, idk, breasts?” is totally a real reason

I know, I think, but how do I know if I'm just saying it because I know it's a generic reason, or if I'm saying it because - even if I know it's a reason people give - I feel it, too? sometimes I feel like I actually do want breasts, and other times it feels like i'm trying to make myself feel like I want them, or maybe actually searching within myself for that feeling, just to feel.. valid, real, authentic, belonging, comfort or discomfort (comfort from having the discomfort of dysphoria).

And wow, that was one of the more true things I've been able to think and write in a while.

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

the reason to do hrt is if you want the effects it’s gonna have on your body

I.. "want to want" them. They are all appealing, and while I'm not sure if/how much I want them, I wish I did, and I wish I was certain. I wish I adamantly wanted breast, different body shape, softer skin, "better" body/facial hair growth, everything. Maybe I do want them, but I have to move past the barrier I set for myself.

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

I was always confused by the emphasis people put on the “born this way” part of queerness, be that sexuality or gender

You mean like "I knew I was trans since I was 5!" Or even just how it can appear that all your ("your" = "mine"/"Lily's", but I'm also seeing if You (Tess) relates) queer friends just... knew strongly they were queer, and it was obvious to them that it's who they are, and thus you.. aren't queer, since you aren't like that?

I actually had someone come out to me once, and... I don't know if I fully got it, or maybe I did. I mean at first I asked if they were joking , cuz we'd been talking about queer stuff a bit (which was honestly probably their way of setting the topic for the discussion and stuff now that I think of it). But they said no, they're not joking, and I.. was like "cool" probably (I don't remember exactly). I think I asked a few questions too, but yeah. But... like that person, I doubt they knew their whole life.

Anyway moving on..

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

like, why does that even matter?

It just... would make me feel more authentic, I guess.

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

(this is likely in part because I’m bi and have difficulty imagining what it would be like to be, well, monosexual, and _not_ have a choice as to the gender of one’s partner without sacrificing attraction)

but, like, even if sexuality were a choice, WHY DOES THAT MATTER?

I don't fully get this, and also I kinda have to figure out my sexuality at some point, unless I'm lesbian like I currently think (which would be awesome lol). Like.. I've heard of people realizing their sexualities were different from what they thought after transitioning, like thinking they are attracted to girls and then (mtf) being attraction to the male humans instead.

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

people make lots of choices

I have a lot of trouble with choices sometimes.

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

you don’t need permission

I feel like I should.. let go.. of all these tethers/binds and cages and walls and restrictions and just.. somehow be a cliche metaphorical bird and be free and somewhat unworried and be me instead of "me"

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

like, if you wanna girl, girl! if you wanna boy, boy! if you wanna mix it up or opt-out entirely, do that! why’s it gotta be so hard?

But.. sometimes I have the feeling that I just want to be very femme, so I guess very femme enby. Or sometimes androgynously femme enby. But is that just cuz I'm still accepting that I'm a binary trans woman, or is it actually who I am? Or does it not matter, and I just accept what I feel and let life happen?

Though to be honest they/them (including she/they or they/she) pronouns aren't always what I want.. but neither are the she/her side of things. This could just be because I'm getting used to such a big change? Everyone suddenly calling me Lily and She/Her.. but at the same time it doesn't feel like I'm fully a girl (in their eyes, and in mine probably), so they're sort of.. not fully convinced, or they're lying, or I'm lying.

You know, I've always wanted my name on something. I've always wanted a company, a creation (perhaps software or a tool I programmed), or even something relatively inconsequential like.. the name of my computer or earbuds/headphones, or my phone, or a physical label, or something. Maybe that's normal, or it doesn't mean anything, but yeah. And I've done it, with my deadname. Not sure how I felt about it, but I did it. But I always felt like I wanted a name. Maybe I didn't feel my assigned name match, because I did/wanted the same thing I said above, but in the online space. (Hopefully this next part doesn't reveal too much info) I never made usernames that were like, PurpleLion4532 or whatever (I made that up rn). I always did something that I connected to, and I always wanted to make it known, to have people call me by it, to have it.. be my identity, in a way. I wanted to label my projects with it it (for platforms that allowed sharing stuff), etc. I could attribute this to namesniping culture (basically... on some platforms people try to get "cool" usernames, like words or whatever without any numbers and limited underscores and whatever), but I think I also wanted to stand out and be someone. When I was making my Shard account, I was surprised by how many names weren't taken that would normally be eaten up on many other platforms. I realized that the Shard isn't one of those places (which I'm kinda glad for, as the community is better here imo). I settled on Theory, which was both a namesnipe but I also something I connected to (since I had the intent on posting some Cosmere theories). And.. I made it my identity sorta. I made a pfp (I like doing that), and yeah, when people called me Theory it was nice, like they were kinda.. recognizing or.. what's the word.. 'ng me. I changed it to Usseewa because I didn't connect as much to Theory (and... Theory gave me dysphoria, I think), and I still like when people call me Usseewa, but I love Lily too. Idk if any of this means much, but I feel like it might, even just to me. I think the whole "choosing a cool/unique name" thing is still ingrained in me, but it's not always a bad thing (tho.. sometimes choosing a nondescript/arbitrary/random username can be good for privacy reasons.) But anyway, I always wanted people to know my name (username, lol) and idk, use it? Both me and them. I wanted it to be.. like a real/IRL name is. Ya know?

12 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

(I know why it IS hard, but, y’know, it shouldn’t be)

It really shouldn't...

But I kinda feel like one minor plus is that if I don't figure it out myself, it opens room up for doubts later down the line.

[Aeoryi she/her]

31 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

"want to want" them. They are all appealing, and while I'm not sure if/how much I want them, I wish I did, and I wish I was certain. I wish I adamantly wanted breast, different body shape, softer skin, "better" body/facial hair growth, everything. Maybe I do want them, but I have to move past the barrier I set for myself.

you could also probably want to see if they're fit for you. There's plenty of examples of people who go on hrt before even discovering their gender identity. You don't need the stereotypical reasons that seem to be attributed to wanting HRT.

35 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

You mean like "I knew I was trans since I was 5!" Or even just how it can appear that all your ("your" = "mine"/"Lily's", but I'm also seeing if You (Tess) relates) queer friends just... knew strongly they were queer, and it was obvious to them that it's who they are, and thus you.. aren't queer, since you aren't like that?

It really isn't a competition

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

But.. sometimes I have the feeling that I just want to be very femme, so I guess very femme enby. Or sometimes androgynously femme enby. But is that just cuz I'm still accepting that I'm a binary trans woman, or is it actually who I am? Or does it not matter, and I just accept what I feel and let life happen?

Though to be honest they/them (including she/they or they/she) pronouns aren't always what I want.. but neither are the she/her side of things. This could just be because I'm getting used to such a big change? Everyone suddenly calling me Lily and She/Her.. but at the same time it doesn't feel like I'm fully a girl (in their eyes, and in mine probably), so they're sort of.. not fully convinced, or they're lying, or I'm lying.

You don't have to fit into the binary you can just be you

1 hour ago, Usseewa said:

Both me and them. I wanted it to be.. like a real/IRL name is. Ya know?

Understandable. It can be hard to make it different than just a name on a paper

 

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

4 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

you could also probably want to see if they're fit for you. There's plenty of examples of people who go on hrt before even discovering their gender identity. You don't need the stereotypical reasons that seem to be attributed to wanting HRT.

but i gotta prove it to the doctors..

i gotta learn to speak to them

4 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

It really isn't a competition

Yeah, ik, but...idk

4 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

You don't have to fit into the binary you can just be you

Yeah.. you seem to be bringing this point up

 

can you give me some advice on next steps or something?

like... should i try writing out my thoughts again.. shudder shudder..?

(in like a document or journal or something)

[Aeoryi she/her]

12 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

but i gotta prove it to the doctors..

i gotta learn to speak to them

yeah

13 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

can you give me some advice on next steps or something?

Can you remind me what you've done so far first? That'd help a lot

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

yeah

Can you remind me what you've done so far first? That'd help a lot

i mean if you mean steps to transition, I've...

...got new clothes, now I only wear new, more fem clothes (tho currently I'm wearing a hoodie but it's more androgynous). This includes skirts and tights/thigh-high socks, as well as crop tops (i stormin love crop tops omg. and have basically my whole life hehe... tho never wore until transition).

... I'm basically out to everyone at this point, including in public.

...using new name and pronouns.

...new shoes even. and jewelry (tho i haven't worn as much lately cuz sometimes it's a hassle... Same with skirts cuz they're not the easiest to spend the day in, even if they're super cute and I love them)

...tried makeup once, it was nice.

...paint my nails often, i love it

...tried on fem/tucking-kinda underwear, but didn't fit quite well. Also... I still wear my old underwear and i sometimes hate it, but i also HATE shopping for men's underwear, like it gave me dysphoria last time I tried. And I don't really know how women's underwear works.

...tried to get HRT once. failed. gotta try again sometime, but not sure if they'll want me to have wanted HRT for six months (I'm only at like 3 or so rn)

...talked with a gender therapist. still meeting with them. idk what this has done but probably good i guess?

...i kinda wanna try on a bra or something like that, but like if i do it in public people will notice and it'll be weird so...

...tried voice training exercises. Like, once. After watching a bunch of YouTube videos. it's so hard though and i didn't really get it... How's yours going? are you, like, making noticeable progress? cuz idk I'll undoubtedly struggle with it but also want to at least get a start so in like a year or two years or however long it takes, I'll actually have something going for me instead of waiting a year to start when i could've already had progress by then, if that makes sense.

 

idk, how do i determine if I want hrt? and if i do, how do i verbalize stuff? stuff that i might not even be able to form thoughts for to myself. idk . should i just wait a few months? i don't really want to but probably can if necessary.

[Aeoryi she/her]

26 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

tried voice training exercises. Like, once. After watching a bunch of YouTube videos. it's so hard though and i didn't really get it... How's yours going? are you, like, making noticeable progress? cuz idk I'll undoubtedly struggle with it but also want to at least get a start so in like a year or two years or however long it takes, I'll actually have something going for me instead of waiting a year to start when i could've already had progress by then, if that makes sense.

Oh right voice training

Honestly I haven't done it in quite a while... I probably could do it at some point... I don't think it takes ages to figure out though

That's a good place to start yeah 

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

Oh right voice training

Honestly I haven't done it in quite a while... I probably could do it at some point... I don't think it takes ages to figure out though

That's a good place to start yeah 

what's a good place to start 

also what do u think of my new pfp uwu

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

what's a good place to start 

also what do u think of my new pfp uwu

Voice training. I should probably do it too. 

 

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

1 minute ago, Aeoryi said:

Voice training. I should probably do it too. 

 

sigh

how start tho

also why'd u ignore my question sob

is it cringey?

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 minute ago, Usseewa said:

sigh

how start tho

also why'd u ignore my question sob

is it cringey?

start by learning... and doing things...
idc about your PFP too much 

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

3 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

start by learning... and doing things...
idc about your PFP too much 

... that sounds like something I'd say when confused and tired or something ...

o-okay

Edited April 15 by Usseewa

[Aeoryi she/her]

3 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

... that sounds like something I'd say when confused and tired or something ...

o-okay

if you don't want to dip your toes into the pool so to speak you can also try singing, apparently it can help drastically when you do want to voice train

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

Just now, Aeoryi said:

if you don't want to dip your toes into the pool so to speak you can also try singing, apparently it can help drastically when you do want to voice train

hehe i love singing

tho my voice sounds like crap so I don't do it often (like, when around people, I don't wanna irritate them...)

[Aeoryi she/her]

42 minutes ago, Usseewa said:

hehe i love singing

tho my voice sounds like crap so I don't do it often (like, when around people, I don't wanna irritate them...)

well yeah do it in private duh

 

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

Just now, Aeoryi said:

well yeah do it in private duh

 

well.. I guess