C_Vallion Posted October 19, 2021 Report Share Posted October 19, 2021 (edited) Hi, All! Sorry for the delay on this one. My usual final-trim/edit time got shoved aside to help a friend who had a whole lot dumped on his plate on Sunday, so this didn’t get done as quickly as planned. This chapter has been through several drafts in various forms, sometimes as multiple chapters and sometimes all together, and I’ve shifted things around at this point enough to need a bit of distance from it before I figure out if one of the scene breaks should be a chapter break. Content Warning: Language, violence, gore Questions: Any boring/confusing parts? While I was trimming back, there were a couple spots where I wasn’t sure if the blocking still worked or if the action was flowing correctly. Thoughts on characters? Do their actions and interactions seem feasible? Thoughts on potential chapter splits? Points of interest or engagement? Thanks! Edited October 19, 2021 by C_Vallion 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedBlue Posted October 22, 2021 Report Share Posted October 22, 2021 @C_Vallion Your e-mail doesn't seem to have come with a chapter attached? You might want to resend 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_Vallion Posted October 22, 2021 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2021 @RedBlue Thanks for the heads up. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted October 22, 2021 Report Share Posted October 22, 2021 Am I somehow first? pg 1-2. So far this feels like a bit of a distraction from the main story content for the sake of having some action. Hope I'm proven wrong though. pg 3. ...Yeah wouldn't blame them for thinking V knew all along -Oh also why are the C travelers attacking them at all? pg 5. I kinda agree with Is. Though at this point I don't find the anger to be pushing the story forward, as much as I also kinda hate Is--n right now. pg 6. I'm mostly expecting everyone except Is to get captured/killed here. I know a lot of stuff has already been cut but the big mentor's death pushing Is to act feels like it should come before ch. 16... if that's what's going to happen, anyway. pg 7. I'm on board with G here. They're pretty much screwed, right? Why not give combat magic a try? pg 9. I do like Is standing strong here though because narrative I'm very much guessing the odds will turn against them pg 13. Is this just because she's still recovering? Regardless of that she probably has some of the highest quality combat training in the world. Injured or no I'd expect her to be favored against a standard soldier. -Are they... not going to finish the job after the dude got put asleep? pg 14. Sounds like a great spell to cast on the asleep dude then! pg 16-17. Good ending, and about what I expected. I think some of the back and forth of combat could be shortened though. On 10/19/2021 at 8:44 AM, C_Vallion said: Any boring/confusing parts? While I was trimming back, there were a couple spots where I wasn’t sure if the blocking still worked or if the action was flowing correctly. Thoughts on characters? Do their actions and interactions seem feasible? Thoughts on potential chapter splits? Points of interest or engagement? 1. Not so much confused as much as feeling off-balance at the start when it quickly became a life or death situation as a big tonal shift. Which I understand is how sneak attacks work, but I would have liked it more from a narrative perspective if we got some more buildup. And nothing was boring, though I do think it could be sped up all throughout. At the beginning it's lots of rehashing anger, and in the middle-end it's a lot of steps before we get to the expected end of Is--n dying. 2. Mostly, yeah. I didn't have a ton of patience for D being like "well religion says I shouldn't use combat magic" when they're in a life or death situation, though that could just be a personal thing for me. 3. I don't think the chapter should be split since it's all really about the same stuff. Honestly we could even get more events and end with Is actually escaping (assuming she does) if the pace is sped up a bit. 4. Mostly seeing how Is deals with magic on her own. "Kill the mentor early on" is tried and true and I have no problems with it here. Though like I said chapter 16 is a little late to be killing the mentor and starting the hero's lone journey. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C_Vallion Posted October 24, 2021 Author Report Share Posted October 24, 2021 On 10/22/2021 at 6:01 PM, Ace of Hearts said: pg 7. I'm on board with G here. They're pretty much screwed, right? Why not give combat magic a try? On 10/22/2021 at 6:01 PM, Ace of Hearts said: pg 14. Sounds like a great spell to cast on the asleep dude then! I'm not sure if this is WRS or my failing to explain aspects of the magic system (you know...because I've never done that before...oops) or both. Ultimately, it's not a "I have moral conflicts with this because of my religion" situation so much as a "If you use magic to kill people, you're condemning yourself to the worst corner of hell, and potentially getting yourself violently struck down by the gods if anyone calls you on it on the way." On 10/22/2021 at 6:01 PM, Ace of Hearts said: -Are they... not going to finish the job after the dude got put asleep? There was supposed to be a line here about wanting to keep him alive for questioning, but that seems to ... not be there. I assume I planned to move it from one paragraph to another and it got lost in the process. On 10/22/2021 at 6:01 PM, Ace of Hearts said: 1. Not so much confused as much as feeling off-balance at the start when it quickly became a life or death situation as a big tonal shift. Which I understand is how sneak attacks work, but I would have liked it more from a narrative perspective if we got some more buildup. I was hoping that the end of the previous Is- chapter would begin to imply the tonal shift, that things were about to get more intense, but that was also...more than a month ago. And probably not as clear of a shift as it should have been. On 10/22/2021 at 6:01 PM, Ace of Hearts said: Mostly seeing how Is deals with magic on her own. "Kill the mentor early on" is tried and true and I have no problems with it here. Though like I said chapter 16 is a little late to be killing the mentor and starting the hero's lone journey. Good to know that this seemed to hit hard as a mentor death equals hero's journey. There are probably components of the hero's journey arc, but those run through the length of a trilogy arc, and not just this book arc. Not sure how other multi-book stories split up those sorts of things... I'll have to look into it a bit. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace of Hearts Posted October 25, 2021 Report Share Posted October 25, 2021 6 hours ago, C_Vallion said: I'm not sure if this is WRS or my failing to explain aspects of the magic system (you know...because I've never done that before...oops) or both. Ultimately, it's not a "I have moral conflicts with this because of my religion" situation so much as a "If you use magic to kill people, you're condemning yourself to the worst corner of hell, and potentially getting yourself violently struck down by the gods if anyone calls you on it on the way." No that was clear it's just a personal thing for me where I see religion as not something I think about being taken literally, which can extend to fantasy religions sometimes. 6 hours ago, C_Vallion said: I was hoping that the end of the previous Is- chapter would begin to imply the tonal shift, that things were about to get more intense, but that was also...more than a month ago. And probably not as clear of a shift as it should have been. On 10/22/2021 at 6:01 PM, Ace of Hearts said: Tbh I don't remember the end to that chapter since it was so long ago so maybe the buildup is fine. That being said if Is--n knew he was leading them into this much danger it might be cool to see hints about that and get a feel for how he deals with that before he has to be all serious "there's no time to argue" mode. Just a suggestion though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah B Posted October 25, 2021 Report Share Posted October 25, 2021 I liked this chapter! Writing action is hard and I think the fight scenes worked. There were quite a few qualifying words that sapped some of the urgency. Possibly, probable, potential, and almost: all made appearances in close proximity. A few parts got a bit wordy, mosty toward the beginning in relation to MC's emotional turmoil. To me, this made her come off as clinically detached rather than in the moment. Perhaps this is how she is coping with the situation? "D scrambled away from her" not sure why Message cases: cool idea! Sort of magic telegrams right? This might have been explained in chapters that I missed, but the mechanics confused me. It seemed like R had sent the message that two men were following them after escaping. Later though, there's a line that says that if R did escape he wouldn't be able to contact anyone. I think the sequence of events might be off right before her uncle gives her D's sword. It seems like her uncle is in the conversation and exchanging looks with D, then approaches D and MC from somewhere else. I wasn't clear on who made the startled noise before, "had they been seen?" It seemed like both groups were already aware of eachother. The part where MC and her uncle see the archer and decide the leave him so that they won't ruin the suprise seemed odd. Given that he immediatly spots them, this felt like a pretty big tactical error for two trained people to make. "The man glanced at where her uncle had shoved her to the ground..." The archer seemed to already know where her uncle was by then, so I wasn't sure why he would pause here. The chapter felt like a good length to me, I don't think I would break it up at all. If anything, I might add a little more of her thoughts and situation to the end of the chapter before the last lines. I think perhaps any confusing parts are just a result of the extensive editing you mentioned. Dispite all my nit picking, I really did enjoy this chapter and I think all the work you put into it shows! Also, the dialogue flowed well. Thanks for sharing! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedBlue Posted October 30, 2021 Report Share Posted October 30, 2021 As I go: p1 - Oh, we're about to meet some people from C? That's good, we've been hearing a lot about them without knowing much about them. p4 - I was thinking that maybe the men from C would turn out not to be hostile, but if the scout is wounded, it sounds like Is et al could be in some pretty deep water. top of p7 - I'm guessing this means that nobody can use magic to harm another person deliberately? This leaves me with a lot of follow-up questions. (Why doesn't the Judge punish people for causing harm by non-magical means? Are there exceptions for self-defence?) I don't need to get answers right away since that would slow down the action, but in terms of world-building, this is the sort of thing I would expect to be expanded upon at some point later. p12 - I'm picking up that something weird is going on with these C people. The main character party saw them and immediately assumed they had come to kill the royals, but that doesn't seem to be the case given their behaviour. p17 - So, obviously the dead mentor trope is an old trick we've all seen before, but I think it works here. It makes C a real and immediate threat, and it puts the burden of resolving the conflict squarely on the protags. (The king doesn't seem to be up to the task, since everyone distrusts him.) On 19/10/2021 at 1:44 PM, C_Vallion said: Any boring/confusing parts? While I was trimming back, there were a couple spots where I wasn’t sure if the blocking still worked or if the action was flowing correctly. Thoughts on characters? Do their actions and interactions seem feasible? Thoughts on potential chapter splits? Points of interest or engagement? 1. I thought the blocking worked, but I'm not a very visual reader so I'm not very sensitive to blocking issues. I felt like I could follow the action, and I liked how much of it was tied to Is and Is-n's characters. 2. The main characters were in character. The only thing I thought was a little odd was that Is wasn't more concerned about her duties to the kingdom (as in, if she dies here, she can't enter into a political marriage to further the kingdom's interests) which is weird given how dedicated she is. Something strange is definitely going on with the people from C. I'm not sure what they were doing there or what they were expecting to find. The whole thing seems like a set-up - like a third party orchestrated this clash in order to push the two countries into a war maybe? If you want me to be suspicious, good job! 3. I think this works as one chapter. It's on the longer side but it's not too long, and splitting it up would mess with the flow. 4. I'm getting more interested in the intrigue. This skirmish, combined with the poison coming from C, definitely makes me think somebody is trying to orchestrate a war or something. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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