C_Vallion

10.11.2021 - C_Vallion - Price of Peace - Chapter 14 (or 14/15) RevA - (L, V, D all mild) - 4188 Words

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Hello, All!

Thanks so much to everyone who has looked through the prologue!

Sorry for the big gap between regular chapters. September had me way behind on just about everything, and my brain still feels like it’s catching up. Should be back to the normal schedule going forward as my coaching season winds down over the next few weeks.

This one had initially been all from Ali’s pov, with all of R’s side of things happening off-screen.  It’s definitely better now, but I’m not sure how the emotional through-line is coming across. I definitely need to provide a more measurable goal for Ali to be working toward (beyond keeping the family from falling apart), but haven’t figured out the best way to do that yet, since it will likely depend on where the changes to Is- and Al’s part 1 goals/motivations land.

Content Warning: Language, threats of violence, alcohol usage

Usual Questions:

  1. Does the emotional through-line seem to follow?
  2. Thoughts on characters? Especially since it’s been a while since we’ve heard from these ones?
  3. Thoughts on the first half (or first chapter, if split that way) cutting off where it does (as opposed to detailing what follows instead of referencing back to it in the second half?)
  4. Opinions on having this as two shorter chapters vs. one longer one with a PoV change? 
  5. Points of interest or engagement?

Thanks!

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This really felt like two separate chapters to me, although short ones.  With just the page break the time skip felt a little awkward, although maybe this could be remedied with a bit more transition? 

Sorry, I am not the best editor by a long shot. I have trouble with organizing chapters in my own WIP. 

Points of engagement: I think the emotional impacts were good, the only parts I had a hard time with was the conversations about people I hadn't read about in a while. 

Skipping over the fight felt abrupt, as a reader it felt like something was being hidden from me. Perhaps this was intentional?

This is the lost relatable/likable I remember R being. 

A few line by lines:

"D was why he was here." A little unclear

"L and A were both mountainous. And they were all bastards." At this point I wasn't sure if this was two people or two nations. The switch between 'both' and 'all' hinted at nations but this line snagged me. 

Thanks for sharing!

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