kais

5/31/2021 - Kais - Pruitcu - Chapter 11 (NEW) (L) - 4729 words

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I’ve moved chapters around too much now so I don’t know if this chapter is redundant, or the first time you are all getting this information. Please suggest cuts wherever appropriate. It may cover much of the same ground as the At/E chapter, but I’m not sure. There’s some critical information about what isn’t on the beta plane that has to get across, and they have to get on the planet. Everything other than that may be redundant. Help!

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No problem, I feel your pain on moving around information and getting confused :D

Also, I have now read the first book in this series, so I now have more of an idea about where the old characters come from but not much of a clue about how they got where they are now.

As I read:

p1 - I think we have seen this epigraph before, a few chapters back? I assume it's one of the things that got switched around in the shuffle.

p2 - 'their cellulose-fueled propulsion dead and devoid of cellulose' - it feels a bit redundant to say that it's dead if the main problem is no more cellulose.

p3 - S being telepathically blocked tracks, since Ata couldn't contact her back in chapter 9.

p3 - This might just be me having missed something, but I'm confused about what the characters think or know about Pru, and what I'm supposed to think or know about Pru (beyond 'there's a mystery here'). What is supposed to have happened to it?

p4&5 - The characters seem confused about the lack of space traffic, but didn't they just get pulled through a cellulose-eating hole in the fabric of space (or something)? It seems like the obvious answer, that space is big and they're way off the beaten path, is being overlooked.

p6&7 - The automated answer machine holo is pretty funny.

p11 - What I'm getting from this is that someone tried to lead Ata to Pru, and they are probably not friendly.

p12 - 'Ard's last known coordinates'

p13 - It seems like whoever set this up was expecting the ship and whoever was on it to get destroyed by the planet's holo

p14 - I've picked up that Pru is supposed to have exploded in the relatively recent past, but I still have questions about why that happened and what the characters know or suspect about it.

p15 - Sounds like they've landed in some sort of parallel timeline?

p16 - Okay, parallel dimension called the beta plane.

 

Generally, good chapter. It felt like a lot was going on and we got a lot of new info about Pru and the beta plane. The only repeat info, as far as I recall, is that S is telepathically blocked off from Ata and E, and also can't be reached by conventional means. I don't suggest you cut that entirely, because it would be weird if the crew didn't try to call for help. You might want to trim those parts, though, to keep the focus on the new stuff.

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Pg 2:

“cellulose-fueled…devoid of cellulose” a little repetitive. Especially when it’s mentioned again later in the paragraph.

 

“used electrolysis” of water into hydrogen and oxygen? Or of some other substance into air with another chemical makeup (one that’s less oxygen-rich and therefore less flammable)? I assume this just means we’re creating our own air instead of using stored air or purifying it from some outside source, but am not entirely sure.  

I don’t know how much it would stick out to anyone else, but the phrase “used electrolysis” feels like it needs more explanation, even if Sal doesn’t know the specifics of how it works.  My instinctive response was “used electrolysis to do what, now?”  since I’m more familiar with it being used for electroplating or electrochemical machining/electrolytic machining, which doesn’t make any sense in this context. 

I like the “he’d be smug about that” line.

Pg 3:

Had space pirates been mentioned before?  Is she just assuming they’re part of the normal state of things when a planet has exploded? Or was there something specific mentioned about them?

Pg 4:

“Why is what?” sounds like he’s responding to someone’s question. 

I’m also still not entirely sure what happened with the oxygen last time around. How it disappeared and reappeared so quickly (and if it was sucked out to create some sort of vacuum, how’d we not have some severe pressure change side-effects?) How long were they unconscious?  If they lost enough oxygen to fall unconscious for any real amount of time, I’d expect there to be more serious physical side-effects.

“It’s a vacationer’s interface” Hah.  Good call, manufacturers.

Pg 5:

“based on what she’d read” did we get this earlier?  I wonder if it might be worth mentioning some of this when she’s first noticing there aren’t any other ships around.

Pg 6:

“wave your hand…” Better not risk any sudden movements here…

Pg 7-8

I like their automated answering machine.  Specifically, that it casually lists the option of not being destroyed along with its other information.

Pg 15:

“Americans…” Oh good…

Pg 19:

I like the idea of the last line (my condolences to Y for his loss), but feel like we haven’t had enough interaction with Y recently for it to hit as well as it could otherwise. I’m not sure if that’s more an issue of how long it’s been since we last saw Sal and co. or not.  I think Y’s attachment to whiskey is mentioned one other time in this chapter, but I don’t remember previous interactions with him coming across strongly as “the thing Y is going to go back into the burning building for — or in this case, the thing he’s going to check on first after the ship has gone down— is his whiskey.”  And without that connection in my head, the line falls a little flat.

Overall:

It having been a while since we’ve last been in this POV (time-wise, if not pagecount-wise) makes it hard to be too sure what things I might have remembered and what things were new.

I think the main thing I noticed that seemed to go on a little long was the time from the sense of “things aren’t right” to figuring out that they’ve switched planes.  Ultimately, that realization takes from pages 11 or 12 through the middle of 16, and while all the discoveries/proofs/etc. in the middle are interesting, I think it stretches on a little too long.  But then, I remember being at the end of the last chapter and understanding that they were swapping planes, so while the differences were interesting to me, I didn’t share as much of the characters’ tension through those realizations since I already knew (vaguely) where we were, or at least what had happened (again, vaguely, but enough to make their discovery less exciting).

Other than that, I really enjoyed the chapter and am looking forward to seeing how they try to move forward from here and what additional trouble everyone gets themselves into in the process.

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As I go:

pg 1. I mentioned this before in At's chapter, but as a new reader seeing At have to work around getting bothered by her partner (wife? I don't remember if they're married) just for doing her (very important) job gives me a bad first impression of E.

pg 2. I like that we're getting some time to see S shine on her own

pg 3. From At's chapter we know that they're close to Ard itself and not P, right? Does S have any idea why it says they're close to P?

pg 4. Ohhhh they're in the other plane aren't they?

pg 5. If P was that important then I'm wondering why we didn't see more fallout from it getting blown up. Other plants like the one O landed on must be scrambling to readjust their economies, right?

-The fact that S can't contact At or E makes me more confident about my hypotheses of them being in the beta plane

pg 9. Start of the page here is where I feel like we need some more motion 

pg 10. How normal is the "register or get blown up" thing? 

pg 12. And how common is knowledge about the beta plane? If S and the crew have heard as much as we have about it, I feel like they should have picked up on what's going on by now.

pg 14. Not usually a description person but the bit we get here makes me wish we had more scattered before. I'm able to picture what's going on much better now

pg 16. Do they have any idea who the ship is from? I mean if it got registered then I would assume those people don't want to hunt it down

pg 17. This chapter has already been pretty demanding so far, which is good but by the time we get to this new mysterious person I feel fatigued and not really prepared to engage with what's going on

On 5/31/2021 at 0:01 AM, kais said:

Please suggest cuts wherever appropriate. It may cover much of the same ground as the At/E chapter, but I’m not sure. There’s some critical information about what isn’t on the beta plane that has to get across, and they have to get on the planet. Everything other than that may be redundant. Help!

I agree with @RedBlue that there's not a ton of repeat info, and that most of what we get is good. As for cuts, I think pgs 7-12 felt the most stagnant to me. While it's natural for them to ask what's going on with P, I think we can pretty quickly jump to the fact that Earth and Ard are named something different / Ard maybe doesn't exist? Which can lead to the beta plane realization.

Like I mentioned at the end of the LbLs, figuring out they're in the beta plane is enough information for a whole chapter, really. The last few pages introduce a lot of rapid-fire dynamics that I personally would have been better able to handle if they happened at the beginning of S' next chapter instead of shifting things at the end. Imo ending with the beta plane realization is a stronger ending than crash landing on the planet. 

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I really liked this chapter, and didn't make many notes. (I was also riding back in a car from the con this weekend, so...)

I thought all of this was needed information to get us into the other plane. It's very strange and I have a lot more questions, but looking forward to getting them answered. Generally, I was engaged as I read because there was always another thing popping up to give information.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "Being here, having traveled so far, so fast..."
--This is definitely WRS, but I don't remember what S knows about Prit and it's fate.

pg 3: "Where were the space pirates?"
--Where there space pirates? I guess what I can't remember is the original inciting incident that made S come here.

pg 7: "per Apo guidelines."
--like, they put planets in orbit around stars?
--okay, evidently yes.

pg 9: "It sounded like you requested..."
--Lol

pg 11: "the free tourist guide"
--Why are they not taking the thing that gives them information about what they've been asking about? I assume there would be some history in the tourist guide.

Overall, good discovery chapter. Lots of new information, so not a lot to comment on.

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