kais

4/03/2021 - Kais - Pruitcu - Chapter 8 (L) - 3135 words

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Not as polished as I'd normally like but hopefully still readable. I'm hoping the emotional impact lands and you feel compelled to move to the next chapter. Thanks in advance for the feedback!

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Hope you're feeling well!

As I read:

p2 - 'she either didn't have pain, or it was being well managed' - given O's previous tendency to not realise how bad things are, I would think she'd just assume that 'I feel fine' means 'I am fine'. Loads of people make that mistake.

p3 - I'm not sure how the hologram is interacting with objects physically? Is this a robot that projects a hologram?

p9 - 'easing your burden and helping you integrated into galactic society' - grammar?

p9 - 'Patience was no longer in her wheelhouse' - awkward phrasing, not how the 'in your wheelhouse' expression is usually used

p11 - sounds like serious trouble is afoot with the J system!

 

I'm assuming that Ata's adventures were covered in the original trilogy of books, and that's why Ata has such a 'hero of another story' vibe going on.

Overall: good chapter, well paced, sounds like O is on her own, in some deep trouble and it's about to go downhill for her from here.

Not much else to say on this one :)

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I thought this was very enjoyable! Glad you're back to writing.

The only small quibble with this is we don't get to see any of the previous main characters' reactions to O learning about the events of the last trilogy. I can't think of a good way to get around that without upending the plot, so I don't think it's too big a thing. And I assume we'll get some of it whenever O does find Ard again.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 2: "She needed to call Ard"
--I think a lot of WRS going on, but did she have the coordinates for Ard? Also, she seems strangely okay with calling a god-planet she didn't know was real until a few hours ago.

pg 3: "our species do not tie pronouns to roles so you may use whichever you feel most comfortable with for me."
--I like it.

pg 5: so here's the freakout about calling. Maybe it's that she was on drugs so not realizing it before, but it seems like she would have some of these nerves beforehand as well.

pg 7: "everything got sorted when..."
--Lol. I guess O's going to get the rundown of the last three books real quick...

pg 8: "to rescue a woman who..."
--I've been waiting for this connection in the book. I'm guessing this is where things can really start happening. I was thinking O would find A face to face, but this way I guess they can have a meeting more on even ground.

pg 8: "making it look like she was trying to poke O in the eye"
--lol

pg 12: "The call disconnected."
--I think you could remove either this line or the one before it. Right now it's repetitive, which takes away from the impact.
--I like that O gets to go through all the stages of realization here. It's fun to see and gets her on the same page as everyone from the last book. I'm sort of still sorry to miss her getting told this directly by A, but I guess it would be hard to have that happen.

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Posted (edited)

Good to see you back! Hope you're recovering well! :)

I enjoyed this! I like that Or is finally learning things and I look forward to what will happen next. The ending definitely pulls me onward.

Also, I apologize for not having much to say, but I read through this chapter fairly quick and didn't have any major problems!

pg 2

“If the doctor was a hologram she had bigger issues” what issues? is the doc a hologram or not?

-disarmingly polite hologram” so the doctor is a hologram? bit confused

“Do you think they will be paying your bill?” wait I thought B was paying, WRS i think

pg 3

“They tapped the biofilm” a hologram that can interact with physical things? wait, is this a new technology that Or doesnt know about yet cause she’s been off the grid?

pg 4

“Hologram humor” i think i missed the humor… is it because Or said “for research?” and then the doc said the same thing?

“Yes that fine” that’s*

“Patted her on the head again” when did they pat her the first time? I might've missed it

pg 6

“I have your general information”

Edited by karamel
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Welcome back!

I enjoyed this chapter a lot.  As someone who  hasn’t read the other books, I think this was helpful for getting the basics of what’s been going on elsewhere.  Especially in the sense of knowing where Or-‘s expectations and goals match up with what’s actually happening.  And also what she’ll be walking into when she manages to get in touch with At-.

Pg 2:

“other stats she didn’t understand.” Stats seems like an odd word choice here. 

I like that they basically have their own form of the annoying helpful paperclip from Word. 

“Noting that, she sat up” missing comma, I think?  Also, animal fur dress and booties?  I have questions.

Why does she think they’re a hologram?

“…hologram, well, she…” The way I’m interpreting her thought process here, I’m thinking it’s the sort of change of thought direction that would want an ellipses or em-dash. Or some physical reaction that’s signifying a change in thought direction. Or something. Something about it seems a little off.  

Pg 3-4:

I assume the “hologram humor” on 4 is a reference to the repetition of “for research”?  I think there is a little too much text in-between for that to be intuitive.  Also, she’s now officially assuming they’re a hologram?  But I’m still not sure why, or what that means to her.

Oh, the annoying cheerfulness of animated user-interface-assistants.

Pg 6-10:

The helpless floundering through her thoughts and emotions on the call and desperately trying to process the information that’s being thrown at her is really great.  

Pg 12:

“The call disconnected.” Ouch. Man. Just. Ouch.

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Glad you're feeling well enough to work on writing/editing :) 

As I go:

pg 3. I felt my attention waning when the doctor introduces themselves. Any way to cut it down?

pg 4. I feel like with all the attention on the fees it's going to bite O in the butt. She's already in medical debt right?

pg 5. I think the internality here can be cut down to a paragraph. What's the most important thing we should know about how O is feeling right now?

pg 7. Man that's an oof right there (sorry my gen Z is showing)

pg 8. This is the internality I like the most in the chapter. Hero on a mission who realizes their mission is useless is a good dynamic 

pg 11. Seems odd to me that the operator wouldn't have access to the location of a planet. Why does that normally happen?

-Good ending! 

Overall:

Emotional impact is good overall. I really liked the part about O realizing that her mission was in vain. The stuff with A didn't really hit me as hard because I don't know why O wants to see her so badly. Yeah they're old... friends? Acquaintances? They know each other but idk what O is looking for from A now. Answers? Closure? A way forward? Practical help? Also, I like the focus on A wanting to live free of Ard and want to see a bit more of how O feels about that. Right now she seems to startled to work through it which isn't the most narratively interesting to me. Is she curious to learn more about what changed for A? Does she feel betrayed? I think there's work to be done to clarify her current relationship with A to us, even if it's not entirely clear to her (always tricky!). 

I think room could be made for this by cutting some of the internality in the first half of the chapter. I know a lot of authors say that they cut a lot of their internality to better hone their writing's focus and I think that could work here. I care about O's hero mission crashing and burning and her relationship to A. All else is secondary. 

Overall, though, great chapter! :) 

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On 5/3/2021 at 1:09 PM, RedBlue said:

I'm assuming that Ata's adventures were covered in the original trilogy of books, and that's why Ata has such a 'hero of another story' vibe going on.

Correct! This was the first set of four books

On 5/4/2021 at 9:06 AM, Mandamon said:

I'm sort of still sorry to miss her getting told this directly by A, but I guess it would be hard to have that happen.

I did originally have it happen this way, but ended up nixing it for this instead. I think it works better just because we can get to the meat of the main plot sooner, but time will tell.

On 5/7/2021 at 5:49 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

The stuff with A didn't really hit me as hard because I don't know why O wants to see her so badly. Yeah they're old... friends? Acquaintances? They know each other but idk what O is looking for from A now. Answers? Closure? A way forward? Practical help?

The chapters leading up to this built this emotional arc so this definitely wouldn't make sense coming in cold. Sorry about that.

 

Thanks everyone! Looks like not much to edit on this one, which means likely next chapter will require a lot of editing. I appreciate all the feedback!

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19 hours ago, kais said:

The chapters leading up to this built this emotional arc so this definitely wouldn't make sense coming in cold. Sorry about that.

I don't actually think it's about coming in cold. I just need a little bit more from O right here (and I think it doesn't have to be much). "I need to reconnect with At to figure out what's going on and how to move forward together" reads different from "I will find At and she will answer to me about what she's done" and I don't know which one we're dealing with (or maybe neither!)

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