I need advice on the headcanon entree for this piece

[Lesser spren]

I have been creating drawing Axehound breeds in the gallery and  for fun I have been writing little head canons for each breed. I'm feelling a little iffy about my latest entree, so some advice and critques would be appreciated.

So here is the picture:

and here is the entree:

 

The Conch Canin is an ancient breed, almost dating back to the Shadow days, and is most well known for its two most prominent  qualities, it’s astounding intelligence and it’s strong, perhaps infamous fear of highstorms. Due these factors it has been the perfect archetypal candidate for folk tales and songs. These stories usually take the structure of the axehound seeing something of value, a piece of bread or the like, and will challenge another animal (usually a chull or a cremling) to a battle of wits. At first it will appears as though the Conch Canin has the upperhand, using some trick to its advantage, but then, just when it seems like the axehound has won, the other animal will start acting like there is a high storm coming, the Canin, losing it’s nerve, will then flee in search of shelter, leaving the other animal to reclaim its prize, as well as something from the axehound. There are numerous variations of the tale, some feature more exotic animals, others end with the axehound winning, and, interestingly, one where there actually was a highstorm, causing the featured chull to pupate and keeping both animals unable to enjoy the fruits of their wit.

 

     Note: Recently there have been reports of suspicious persons keeping Conch Canin in cages outside during highstorms. If you witness any such things report it to your local citylord, or captain of the watch immediately.

I like the first part of the entree I liked, it gave feel to qualities of the breed and the lore surrounding it. The note at the end jutst feels a bit sloppy to me; I was trying to imply that an Off-worlder was experimenting with the breed in order to make intelligent animals like Ryshadium or Santhids. Do you think that I  should, switch the entrees perspective to the aforementioned Off-worlder, rewrite in the same perspective to make it flow better or discard the idea and only keep the first paragraph?

Edited May 2, 2021 by Lesser spren

[Lesser spren]

Better image:

[Narcoleptic Axolotl]

I think it's a nice addition, but it doesn't imply to me that someone's experimenting. It just makes me think some people don't care about their dogs (which is, unfortunately, realistic).

I might've misunderstood the question, but if you want to imply inhumane experimentation, then you're gonna have to try a different approach. That said, I like the note as it is and I think you should keep it in.

(Also, pretty sure the word you're looking for is 'entry' not 'entree'.)

[CrypticSpren]

I'm not sure if the in-world writer of the entry would be aware enough to come upon this conclusion if it were the case, but I feel like it would make sense if the conch canin were given its sentience by a specific type of spren of cultivation that resides within its gemheart. This would be fitting with the worldbuilding of Roshar, as it is implied that Ryshadium gain their sentience in such a manner.

If so, you could explain the conch canin's fear of highstorms to be the fear of losing its bond with its spren in the same way that the Parshendi change their forms when inside a highstorm. Perhaps a bond with a logicspren gives a conch canin sapience, but being taken by a windspren brings a conch canin to a feral state. If such were the case, then a conch canin, wanting to keep its sentience, would shelter from highstorms to keep its logicspren.

With this logic, you could then write something about the recent discovery of conch canins found dead on the street, completely intact, except for a small incision where there would otherwise be a gemheart - too small to soulcast more than a few grains of rice, only the size of a clip. Taken by either a sadist like Nan Balat ... or perhaps someone seeking the secrets behind the sentience that the spren inside can provide.

Just a suggestion.