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Ace of Hearts

4/12/21 - Ace of Hearts - A Bond of Wildflowers Ch 4 (D, L) (4255 words)

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Sorry for the late sub, everyone (again lol). This is a chapter that I had a lot of trouble with, and I wrote and rewrote it from scratch multiple times with entirely different events. I'm debating cutting this chapter entirely, so if you're rushed don't worry too much about the LBLs.

Aside from my usual questions that I'm still interested in (general engagement and feelings about the characters), I'm wondering what you think should be done with this chapter. Should it be cut entirely? Reworked again? Fine with a few tweaks? Cut down and combined with another chapter? If the answer is anything other than a few tweaks, what should I keep and what should I toss? 
 
Thanks as always! :)
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Am I the first one for once?!? Yay!

I liked this chapter. I really connect W and her introversion. Because I really connect with her, even if the plot was going in all the wrong directions, I'd still be reading at this point because I really like W so much. 

If anything gets trimmed in this chapter, I'd say the opening. While I loved the line about leaving the group chat if it continued after the trip, I think this actually could've started with W getting in the car or even with her already in the car and getting to he beach. 

While I was reading, I remember thinking that it feels a little too much like contemporary for paranormal romance, and where is the magic? What happened to the flowers? Then E dropped the line about his grandfather looking for magic. It was just in time. And if you trimmed the begining a little and got there just a tad bit sooner, I might not have slipped out of the story wondering where the magic was. I might have stayed more immersed. 

Something did feel off about the dialogue with E and I can't tell if it is intentional or not. Like he is coming on very heavy with the support talk and being very elusive when W tried to ask him questions. It makes me suspicious of him. IF that is what you want, then it's working. Though I do think it might have gone on a moment too long. 

Backing tracking a bit, I was also suspicious of B. I was as confused by her as W and was thinking WTF was that all about when she finally left. This isn't necessarily a criticism so much as I wasn't 100% if I was reacting how I was supposed to. If you want me to be suspicious of B, then don't change much. If you don't want me to be suspicious, then maybe re-work the interaction. 

Now E & B...E's comments about B and his reason for dating her definitely have to stay. Whatever gets trimmed can come from a different part of the conversation. That really had me curious. I am wondering if she is magic like N and E's grandfather is making him date her to get information or something. Or if it is something she has over him. I really have no clue why it isn't his choice, but I really, really want to find out. 

A few random things: 

I loved the tide pool line: "There’s always disruption with waves bringing new creatures in and drawing old ones out, and it’s because of that chaos and uncertainty that vibrant life blooms and flourishes here." My favorite in this chapter. 

The way you introduced N being bi bugged me. There has been a lot of bi-phobia and related discourse on twitter lately, so I might just be overly sensitive to it right now. Unless I missed something in an earlier chapter, when E says "A pause. “Now that I think about it, that last part would have gotten us into trouble if Brittany knew that he’s bi, since she was dating him at that time. And you’ve seen that she can be a bit… paranoid." is the first we hear of N being bi. The idea of bi people being promiscuous or more likely to cheat, or their het partners having to worry about them with people of the same gender is a stereotype I grew up hearing and still hear a lot. I can completely see B being one of the people who holds that stereotype. However, I don't like a negative thing like being used to introduce that N is bi, especially where the narrative doesn't really react to it. However, if it was already clear he was bi and I just forget because WRS, then you can probably ignore this comment.

Anyway, for the most part, I was very engaged throughout the whole thing, and I think with some trims and tweaks, and maybe another hint or two of magic, this will be a fantastic chapter! I am looking forward to more. 

 

 

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I really liked this chapter!

It's easily my favourite of what I've seen you post so far - I found it engaging throughout, I enjoyed seeing W and A acting like friends who like each other, I dig the intrigue and the weird vibes B gives off, the setup with the evil CEO grandpa showing interest in N's forest gang sounds like it will make for some good conflict later so I'm on board for that, W's character development and having an actual mature conversation with E was good stuff.

I know that probably sounds weird and confusing after I expressed doubts about the setup for this chapter last time. But it feels like stuff is happening throughout this chapter, and plot threads and character arcs are moving, so ... shows what I know, I guess :D

Notes about individual characters:

B is interesting. I'm not sure what to make of her yet (which I assume is what you were going for). My guess is that either she's processing a lot of trauma in a not-great way, or she is incredibly melodramatic (or both?)

A's personality worked for me better here than it did previously. Her 'cool girl' tendencies come off as harmless fun, rather than as manipulation or unnecessary drama as they did before. That makes her more likeable. Showing how she wrangles W's social life in a way that is probably on balance good for W makes their friendship make sense.

I think I 'get' E more now. He's prioritizing supporting the people he cares about over his own wellbeing, and refusing to change that even when he's called out on it. I suspect that what he's doing isn't sustainable and things are starting to fall apart on him, even if he can't see that.

W calling herself out on her misplaced anger was great, and made me more sympathetic toward her. I like that she has resolved to move on and do better.

I'm okay with there being no N in this chapter, because even though he's the A-plot, enough interesting stuff was going on here that I don't mind N's stuff being on the back burner for a bit.

 

Note how I have way more to say about the characters now than I did after reading chapters 2 and 3. I reckon that's the reason this chapter works so well for me where the others felt like they were stalling - there's more going on here. This is where the characterisation really clicks for W, E and A. If you're looking for suggestions, I would recommend either making cuts to previous chapters so we can get to the good bit faster, or figuring out what info you need to convey before this point and put it in the slow chapters to fix their pacing.

A few nitpicks:

pg2 - 'not nearly as cray as I fear' - 'cray' feels too slang-ish for W's staunchly anti-cool persona

pg5 - not sure why W thinks you shouldn't teach a kid to be confident and charming? Presenting yourself well is a useful life skill?

pg6 - 'Call it character development' that phrasing is leaning pretty hard on the fourth wall. It breaks up the flow of the scene a bit.

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I think the second half of this chapter has some good interactions in it between E and W, but you could probably cut the first half, as well as going to the beach in general. I don't see that it's particularly relevant to anything. Half the time I'm confused by the character's interactions between each other, but maybe that's because I'm not a teenager. It seems like everyone says one other person is a terrible person, but then W can talk to them for 5 minutes and they just have some issues they're getting over.

I'm also not at all sure what's going on with B. If it turns out to relevant to the plot, fine, but I'm not yet sure what she adds to the story.

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

The way you introduced N being bi bugged me. There has been a lot of bi-phobia and related discourse on twitter lately, so I might just be overly sensitive to it right now. Unless I missed something in an earlier chapter, when E says "A pause. “Now that I think about it, that last part would have gotten us into trouble if Brittany knew that he’s bi, since she was dating him at that time. And you’ve seen that she can be a bit… paranoid." is the first we hear of N being bi. The idea of bi people being promiscuous or more likely to cheat, or their het partners having to worry about them with people of the same gender is a stereotype I grew up hearing and still hear a lot. I can completely see B being one of the people who holds that stereotype. However, I don't like a negative thing like being used to introduce that N is bi, especially where the narrative doesn't really react to it. However, if it was already clear he was bi and I just forget because WRS, then you can probably ignore this comment.

This. I was having trouble figuring out what was bugging me about this interaction, but @shatteredsmooth nailed it. I made a note below that it was fairly obvious N didn't cheat, so I don't know why E needs to defend himself so much with B. For that matter, what they whole deal with him is.

My main frustration here is that there are even more questions raised with no explanation, but at least we do get a hint of why the magical flower is important.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: I think you could cut most of this back and forth. It doesn't add anything. Maybe start with the cars pulling up?

pg 2: "On the drive, none of us talk with each other"
--how long is this drive?? I mean, I'd personally be reading a book, but I can't imagine a car full of "cool kids" not talking with each other.

pg 3: Nothing has really happened yet...I don't care about B except to hate her immediately and until W wanting to talk to E, I don't think there's anything that's moving this story along.

pg 4: I don't think we need a long explanation for how E figured out W's mom has cancer.

pg 5/6: this whole interaction is very weird for teenagers.

pg 7: “Sorry, I think I misread a situation,” 
--I have no idea where all this is going. Why all this mystery over E?

pg 8: "so I don’t need to watch over her"
--did he need to watch over her for some reason?

pg 9: "He’s looking for magic.”
--well, that's the first interesting thing this chapter!

pg 10: "I feel my eyes go wide."
--this is all still making my feel sympathetic for E and like W is a big jerk.

pg 11: "Even if he did maybe cheat on B."
--It seems pretty clear he didn't?

pg 13: “Dating B wasn’t my initiative,” he says, “Or my choice.”
--what is with this guy? Like he's being blackmailed for regular teen activities?

pg 14: "He couldn’t muster up feelings of romance or attraction for me,"
--I mean, sounds like he's just aromantic...

pg 15: "I have to move forward."
--I think the discussion with E and W is good, but it's sort of frustrating because we don't find anything out, expect his grandfather might be tied into the deal with the flower that we still don't know anything about. E and W sort of make up? But I think that discussion could have easily taken place at the school. I don't know if this beach trip adds anything.

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I like this chapter as well, though I agree with the thoughts about cutting the first part of this back.  There’s a little more wordiness and repetition in some of the dialogue than I’ve seen in previous chapters, but I expect a lot of that comes from multiple rewrites and the stress editing.   

 “There are twelve of us total…the way she holds herself”  This sentence could be reworded for clarity.  It took a couple readings to get what it was saying.   

Some of the conversation between B and W on 4-7 seemed a little stilted.  And a little more direct than I would expect from W.  But that could just be because I relate to a lot of aspects of her character and am incorrectly assuming she would approach such circumstances the same way I would.  Especially when she starts getting uncomfortable about the things B is saying.  Some of this might also just be a need to revise the dialogue after stepping away from it for a couple days.  Not sure what all the stress editing you'd mentioned was focusing on.

I really love W’s beach-exploring-introversion.  Definitely a far better use of time than hanging out with popular kids, if I do say so myself.

I had similar feelings about the conversation between E and W.  Like that the conversations are more bluntly personal than W should be comfortable with.  I’d expect the history between E and W to allow more personal detail, but would then expect her to have some concept of his family dynamic already. She just doesn’t seem thrown off or surprised by B’s mentioning of “literal murder” or E’s “He tolerates me for reasons other than love.” 

I am really glad to see the concept of magic being officially brought into the picture, but E introducing it so bluntly when he and W have been at odds seems a little strange to me.  I’d expect E to be more concerned about having W laugh in his face at the concept.  “Nobody’s going to find out if I tell you” implies that his main concern is confidentiality, but I feel like there should be more sense of “Now, this is probably going to sound ridiculous…” if E thinks there’s anything behind the idea of searching for magic, or more of a “This is ridiculous, and maybe grandpa’s mind is starting to go…”  W is obviously shocked by the mention of magic, but I don’t get a good sense of what E thinks of it.   

I really like that they work through some of their differences here, but I think it would make more sense for the mention of grandpa’s interest in magic to come after there’s been some of that restoration of trust.

Feel free to ignore the random idea, but it might make sense for that discussion to be sparked by the discussion of W’s mom’s illness. If E thinks there’s something to the idea of magic (if he’s been hanging out with N, I assume he knows things we don’t), maybe he brings it up there as a sort of “I know this might seem like nonsense, but grandpa is looking for magic. And maybe it could turn up something that could help her.”   

I love the “aggressively understanding” phrase regarding N’s reaction to being turned down.  It pretty much perfectly fits both the image I have in my head of N and the reaction that I’d expect W to have to him.

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Posted (edited)

I continue to breeze through your chapters. W gets more relatable the further i get into the story. While I do think you can cut back on the first part, I also love some of the things W says. But uh kill your darlings i guess.

I am happy that the magic talk happened but it does feel very short, I hope that W comes back to it in the next chapter so we can start getting more information. This chapter left me with a lot of questions.

Also, the character interactions in this chapter were great! I was engaged throughout and am now very curious about what the heck happened with N, B, and E. Why does W still think N cheated? Did he really cheat? If so, who with? What happened to B that made her vary of E? Who is the murderer? Why are E and B together? Will E and N ever get together? Tune in next week! 

as i go:

Pg 5

“Yes, that does make sense.” she sounds very formal

Pg 6

“Literal murder.” o.o

Pg 7

“Something else you want to tell me?” i was confused about who said this the first time reading it.

Pg 8

“I dont need to watch over her” so he has to watch over her, and dating her isnt his choice...hmmm… interesting….

Pg 9

-i feel like E should hesitate more when telling W about magic. He is very quick to tell W and i get that he is drinking but still. And if he isn’t supposed to tell W, maybe make that more clear. "Agh, I really shouldn't be telling you this, my gpa wants it on the down low, but screw him."

Actually, i agree with @C_Vallion

3 hours ago, C_Vallion said:

I am really glad to see the concept of magic being officially brought into the picture, but E introducing it so bluntly when he and W have been at odds seems a little strange to me.  I’d expect E to be more concerned about having W laugh in his face at the concept.  “Nobody’s going to find out if I tell you” implies that his main concern is confidentiality, but I feel like there should be more sense of “Now, this is probably going to sound ridiculous…” if E thinks there’s anything behind the idea of searching for magic, or more of a “This is ridiculous, and maybe grandpa’s mind is starting to go…”  W is obviously shocked by the mention of magic, but I don’t get a good sense of what E thinks of it.  

Pg 10

“Did you help him on the poster?” i actually think W glossing over the magic bit is realistic. If someone told me the same thing and I wasn’t sure if they were telling the truth or playing a prank, i would try to switch topics for fear of looking like a fool for believing in magic.

“I can message him” E is too nice

Pg 11

“Making sure i was eating enough” stop giving me reasons to ship them 

-actually, i ship E with everyone cause he just seems like a good dude.

-agree with @shatteredsmooth that there’s a better way to reveal N being bi.

Edited by karamel
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On 4/13/2021 at 0:08 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Something did feel off about the dialogue with E and I can't tell if it is intentional or not. Like he is coming on very heavy with the support talk and being very elusive when W tried to ask him questions. It makes me suspicious of him. IF that is what you want, then it's working. Though I do think it might have gone on a moment too long. 

Good to know. Coming on heavy with the support talk is kinda E's thing but I'll see if I can find a way to have him be a little less elusive. 

On 4/13/2021 at 0:08 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Backing tracking a bit, I was also suspicious of B. I was as confused by her as W and was thinking WTF was that all about when she finally left. This isn't necessarily a criticism so much as I wasn't 100% if I was reacting how I was supposed to. If you want me to be suspicious of B, then don't change much. If you don't want me to be suspicious, then maybe re-work the interaction. 

Yeah I was worried about this when reading through the chapter but ran out of time to edit. B absolutely should come off as suspicious but I think it's hard to contextualize here since she's not super plot-relevant at this point. 

On 4/13/2021 at 0:08 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I loved the tide pool line: "There’s always disruption with waves bringing new creatures in and drawing old ones out, and it’s because of that chaos and uncertainty that vibrant life blooms and flourishes here." My favorite in this chapter. 

I'm glad! :) I ended up cutting a lot of these types of introspective moments from W since they weren't really adding much to the story, and I'm glad some of the ones I kept in are working. The first draft had more focus on how W is very orderly and was about her grappling with uncertainty. 

On 4/13/2021 at 0:08 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The way you introduced N being bi bugged me. There has been a lot of bi-phobia and related discourse on twitter lately, so I might just be overly sensitive to it right now. Unless I missed something in an earlier chapter, when E says "A pause. “Now that I think about it, that last part would have gotten us into trouble if Brittany knew that he’s bi, since she was dating him at that time. And you’ve seen that she can be a bit… paranoid." is the first we hear of N being bi. The idea of bi people being promiscuous or more likely to cheat, or their het partners having to worry about them with people of the same gender is a stereotype I grew up hearing and still hear a lot. I can completely see B being one of the people who holds that stereotype. However, I don't like a negative thing like being used to introduce that N is bi, especially where the narrative doesn't really react to it. However, if it was already clear he was bi and I just forget because WRS, then you can probably ignore this comment.

This is super helpful so thanks a ton! You're absolutely right and I think this is the first time he's mentioned as being bi. I was struggling to find a way to introduce this because I want it to be explicit but it's not really plot relevant since it's just who he is, but looking at it again there are absolutely better ways to do it than this. 

On 4/13/2021 at 11:55 AM, RedBlue said:

It's easily my favourite of what I've seen you post so far - I found it engaging throughout, I enjoyed seeing W and A acting like friends who like each other, I dig the intrigue and the weird vibes B gives off, the setup with the evil CEO grandpa showing interest in N's forest gang sounds like it will make for some good conflict later so I'm on board for that, W's character development and having an actual mature conversation with E was good stuff.

Yay! :) I was pretty nervous about this chapter so that's great to hear. 

On 4/13/2021 at 11:55 AM, RedBlue said:

pg6 - 'Call it character development' that phrasing is leaning pretty hard on the fourth wall. It breaks up the flow of the scene a bit.

I realized this after sending it out lol. Believe it or not I wasn't trying to break the fourth wall; I just hear people saying that on social media often enough that it's what I've internalized as teenager vocabulary. But yeah, I'm changing this. 

On 4/13/2021 at 2:36 PM, Mandamon said:

--how long is this drive?? I mean, I'd personally be reading a book, but I can't imagine a car full of "cool kids" not talking with each other.

Couple of hours so maybe this is weird. Whoa do you not get carsick when you read? I'm jealous.

On 4/13/2021 at 2:36 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "Even if he did maybe cheat on B."
--It seems pretty clear he didn't?

This is good to know. This is a lot of the reason W is a bit cagey around him so I'll need to readjust some things if that reason doesn't hold up. 

On 4/13/2021 at 2:36 PM, Mandamon said:

--I mean, sounds like he's just aromantic...

Ding ding. Though E himself doesn't realize it (yet). I'm more concerned about W not realizing it since she does know aro people unlike E. My current thoughts are to make her think it reflects back on her due to her insecurity but I can fiddle with this. 

On 4/13/2021 at 2:36 PM, Mandamon said:

--I think the discussion with E and W is good, but it's sort of frustrating because we don't find anything out, expect his grandfather might be tied into the deal with the flower that we still don't know anything about.

Good point! I think a lot of my stress editing was just typing stuff out even though it wasn't really going anywhere and seeing where the characters would take me. I think the buildup should be to finding stuff out, rather than it being a little blip in the middle of the chapter. 

On 4/15/2021 at 10:36 AM, C_Vallion said:

There’s a little more wordiness and repetition in some of the dialogue than I’ve seen in previous chapters, but I expect a lot of that comes from multiple rewrites and the stress editing.  

Tell me about it lol. I do stress edit most of these chapters before subbing and Idk if it makes it better or worse. I'll give it another look with fresh eyes. 

On 4/15/2021 at 10:36 AM, C_Vallion said:

Some of this might also just be a need to revise the dialogue after stepping away from it for a couple days.  Not sure what all the stress editing you'd mentioned was focusing on.

Pretty much the whole chapter but the conversations with B and E in particular, if that helps (which I know is still like 75% of the chapter). 

On 4/15/2021 at 10:36 AM, C_Vallion said:

I am really glad to see the concept of magic being officially brought into the picture, but E introducing it so bluntly when he and W have been at odds seems a little strange to me.  I’d expect E to be more concerned about having W laugh in his face at the concept.  “Nobody’s going to find out if I tell you” implies that his main concern is confidentiality, but I feel like there should be more sense of “Now, this is probably going to sound ridiculous…” if E thinks there’s anything behind the idea of searching for magic, or more of a “This is ridiculous, and maybe grandpa’s mind is starting to go…”  W is obviously shocked by the mention of magic, but I don’t get a good sense of what E thinks of it.   

Really good points! Adding what E thinks about it is a great idea and gives another dynamic for me to explore between him and W. Seriously, I think this comment is going to make this chapter a lot better. 

On 4/15/2021 at 10:36 AM, C_Vallion said:

Feel free to ignore the random idea, but it might make sense for that discussion to be sparked by the discussion of W’s mom’s illness. If E thinks there’s something to the idea of magic (if he’s been hanging out with N, I assume he knows things we don’t), maybe he brings it up there as a sort of “I know this might seem like nonsense, but grandpa is looking for magic. And maybe it could turn up something that could help her.”   

Funnily enough in the first draft this was what sparked the discussion. I think the last point is something I do want to run with. E is definitely the type of person to look for any avenue at all to fix the situation for someone who's hurting. Thanks a ton for the suggestion! 

On 4/15/2021 at 1:57 PM, karamel said:

While I do think you can cut back on the first part, I also love some of the things W says. But uh kill your darlings i guess.

This is good info to have! I'll try to weigh the costs and benefits there, and maybe repurpose the dialogue if necessary.

On 4/15/2021 at 1:57 PM, karamel said:

-i feel like E should hesitate more when telling W about magic. He is very quick to tell W and i get that he is drinking but still. And if he isn’t supposed to tell W, maybe make that more clear. "Agh, I really shouldn't be telling you this, my gpa wants it on the down low, but screw him."

Yep seems like this is one of the dynamics I should rework in general. Planning to add more info, more buildup, and more engagement on the issue from both E and W. 

Thanks so much for your feedback, everyone! :) 

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Overall

I really need that global plot to come through earlier and stronger. The romance is there and apparent, but the flower is, for me, the actual hook and I feel like it just keeps being teased over and over. At this point, especially in a MG, we should have a solid handle on the global stakes and plot and we still don't have that. 

I agree with the others that the first beats of this chapter could be cut. I think the dialogue with Brit is great, but would like a ton more on the flower situation. The bi section was a bit strange, but @shatteredsmooth nailed it. As always, the writing is easy to read and flows well. I just need more meat.

 

As I go

- first sentence is not a strong hook at all

- this whole first page could be cut. It does nothing for the narrative

- pg 2: oh god the Oregon coast is cold don't do the bikini! (also 'coast' shouldn't be capitalized)

- I think the whole ride to the wherever can be cut. It was slow and doesn't seem to have any plot relevance

- pg 6: why is our MC so paranoid? Everything about Brit seems legit, and Er has been persistently kind. Really, the person I dislike the most in this story is our prickly MC

- it's page 9 before we get to the plot. I'd like to see this come a lot earlier. The interlude with Brit is excellent but the ride there was painful, and I still have no investment in our MC, who seems to uniformly dislike everything and everyone

- pg 11: knew that he’s bi, since she was dating him at that time. And you’ve seen that she can be a bit… paranoid <-- wait what? Character continuity whiplash. Brit seems awesome, and thus far so has Er. So where is this coming from? Is Eri a jerk, or Brit? It's not in either of their established personalities

pgs 13-14: I have no idea what is happening here

 

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2 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:
On 13/04/2021 at 7:36 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 11: "Even if he did maybe cheat on B."
--It seems pretty clear he didn't?

This is good to know. This is a lot of the reason W is a bit cagey around him so I'll need to readjust some things if that reason doesn't hold up. 

I have to disagree with Mandamon on this one - I don't think that N cheated, but my reasoning is meta. I know I'm reading a romance, N is signposted as the love interest, and misunderstandings are common in this genre while cheating love interests are not, so it would be weird if he did actually cheat. If I were working with the info W has, I wouldn't know enough about N at this point to doubt the general consensus that he cheated. I think it makes sense that she is cagey.

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Hella late here, but I'm trying to catch up:

Pg 1, '"I mean, I’m sure they’re all fairly car-shaped and interchangeable." Wow, me.

Pg 1, " seeing her more lively and humming" awwwwww

Pg 1, "windows rolled down holding a vape pen in her hand and wearing heart eye sunglasses." Nope, I'm out. Vapes smell disgusting. I don't care if it is supposed to smell like bubblegum. And it is just flat out rude to vape while transporting people you don't know and might not be okay with it. 

Pg 2, "You know it’s going to be like sixty degrees and cloudy, right?" That is way too cold for me and a bikini. 

Pg 2, " not nearly as cray as I fear," Accidental reference? 

Spoiler

 

Pg 3, " I know that fitting into big groups can be uncomfortable," Wow, um, I wasn't expecting this. +10 points to B.

Pg 3, "Erin can pay for all of us, of course." Um, excuse me, what? -10 to B.

Pg 7, “Then why did…?”

“Something else you want to tell me?"

Confusion. Because I thought B was speaking the first line, since she glanced at the shoreline. But is that actually W speaking?

Pg 8, "I’m almost able to forget about the strange vibes I got from B." I'm pleasantly surprised by B. I thought she was going to be the usual tropey popular girl. I like how you turned my expectations on their head.

Pg 9, "he bought his way into some monster hunting group for more information" Hey, I'm going to use knowledge I shouldn't have and guess that it's jerkface from the cut (didn't you cut it?) prologue. 

Pg 13,  “Or my choice.” D:

Okay, frankly, this chapter did not go as I suspected and I am personally pleased by being wrong. There was no "O-ho-ho I'm the spoiled popular girl and I'm going to embarrass you in front of everyone" scene like I expected. I am pleasantly surprised. This chapter went down easy for me, personally. It has only helped me see B,E, and N in a more sympathetic light, and now I'm not sure who I should dislike, except maybe W for how she treated E, or A for being stupid enough to wear a bikini in that weather. I'm glad you hinted about grandfather the magic hunter, because I immediately perked up at this. 

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On 4/20/2021 at 8:30 PM, Snakenaps said:

Okay, frankly, this chapter did not go as I suspected and I am personally pleased by being wrong. There was no "O-ho-ho I'm the spoiled popular girl and I'm going to embarrass you in front of everyone" scene like I expected

In the first draft B was more like the popular girl stereotype/expectation, actually (though she mostly ignored W). As soon as I took another look I realized how weak of a character she was and she went through a complete overhaul.

Thanks for your comments! 

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