2.22.2021 - C_Vallion - Price of Peace: Chapter 2 Rev1 - 3080 Words

[julienreel Pahn Kahl]

Overall:

Your writing style is easy to read and flows well. There's a lot of depth to your world that wants to be explored, and I think the story shows a lot of promise. The prose is solid, the only problem is the pacing and all the unnecessary details. I think you can get away with those details if they're wrapped around dynamic sequences that propel the plot forward. Yes, epic fantasies are long and wordy, but we endure the mundane parts because of the consequential parts. I think you could cut many scenes in this chapter, and fast forward to scenes that matter to the story moving forward. I look forward to your submission next week when you jump to chapter 5. It sounds like that's where the inciting incident happens.

 

As I read:

pg 1: I like it; subtly reinforcing the discrimination of magic and the clash between the two countries. Probably could be less subtle.

pg 2: Still reinforcing the discrimination of magic, but what is the point of them exploring what type of magic it is? Isn't it enough that it's a spellstone, if that's what the problem is?

pg 3: Why did A run to the window? I get the sense that he's very stressed, but we don't really get enough in his head to sympathize with him. We had some tension with the gifts and politics, but now it's all gone. The flow of writing and word choice is all good, but there isn't enough tension imo.

pg 4: Too much description. The writing is fine, and it paints a picture, but it bogs down any plot movement. We see that people are suspicious of A and where he comes from, but it's all too subtle. I want to see someone curse him under their breath or spit on the ground as he passes or accuse him of representing something offensive.

pg 5: Sort of losing interest here. You do a good job of depicting the interactions and scenery, but much of it doesn't progress the story.

pg 6 - 8: Too many minor details, nothing really happens here.

pg 9: I'm interested again when R mentions what the people will think of A's business there. But it lasted only a moment. Back to mundane details.

[Sarah B Oldblood]

I'm pretty late to the party, sorry about that!

Detritus is used absolutely correctly, but I had to check. To me detritus relates to debris from decay, so freshly unpacked things didn't seem to match up. Since I'm the only one who snagged on this, seems like readability of that sentence is still high :-)

The lack of tension struck me as well. I liked the releif the MC felt when he didn't get any strong feelings from the room. I would have liked to see some interaction with his mothers jewelry or maybe some sense of loss from not feeling anything? It seems like the MC genuinely feels nothing, rather than just putting on a brave face. 

Very readable though! I could see curling up with a nice long book in your writing style on a rainy day.

Thanks for sharing!