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The Unknown Ajah

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The Unknown Ajah

The Unknown Ajah

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4 hours ago, JesterLavorre said:

I would read it! Being infrequent isn’t a problem. In fact, it just makes it easier for me to keep up. :P
I’ll probably actually do the same thing when my book gets to a point where I’m confident in it.

Cool!

2 hours ago, Vapor said:

I would read it!

Awesome. 

4 hours ago, Lecky Twig said:

I havent really been keeping up with what Fadran's doing, but if yiu were to write a book, I'd read it. Would it be sci-fi/fantasy? 

Most of my better ones are fantasy, but I've half done a few wild west ones and those were fun.

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The Unknown Ajah

The Unknown Ajah

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On 2/12/2021 at 10:31 AM, Condensation said:

I might read it, depending on my amount of time.

Great!

 

On 2/12/2021 at 3:35 PM, The Windrunner Supreme said:

I would read it!

That makes five, awesome.

Quick update on where I'm at so far, I've started writing and am about 500 words in so far. I plan on a couple thousand per chapter so I think I'll be done by next week at the earliest, but my schedule is weird and might allow way more writing or way less, so don't expect it too soon.

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The Unknown Ajah

The Unknown Ajah

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Just now, Ixthos said:

I'd be interested :-) I might do something similar later, though one thing at a time.

What is the book about?

It's about the prince of a kingdom, who is a bit of a genius, trying to do his best to outsmart the assassins of his cousin while also trying to not come into direct conflict, so it doesn't start a civil. There's quite a bit of internal politics too, I've been writing in ny head for years, so it isn't too influenced by any one book.

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Ixthos

Ixthos

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Just now, The Unknown Order said:

It's about the prince of a kingdom, who is a bit of a genius, trying to do his best to outsmart the assassins of his cousin while also trying to not come into direct conflict, so it doesn't start a civil. There's quite a bit of internal politics too, I've been writing in ny head for years, so it isn't too influenced by any one book.

Nice :-) I'd be interested to read that.

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The Unknown Ajah

The Unknown Ajah

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1 hour ago, Bread Simulacrumbs said:

I shall read it.

myeyeballs.png

Another ones bites the dust. : )

21 minutes ago, Ixthos said:

Nice :-) I'd be interested to read that.

Perfect.

New update to say that my next update should have the book in it. 

Edit: Does anyone know any words for a sword strike other than strike, attack, blow, swing, and lunge?

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Ixthos

Ixthos

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On 3/17/2021 at 7:34 PM, The Unknown Order said:

Yes please, that would be awesome. (Sorry for the POV shift, apparently I can't right third person)

I understand :-) just remember to stick to one or the other. I agree that the first person descriptions worked better than the third person, the story probably will work much better from the first person viewpoint, though that ultimately is entirely up to you.

 

I'm going to try for what Brandon recommends in being descriptive rather than proscriptive (that is, I will say how I felt about each part rather than saying how I think you should change it), and to start by focusing on the positive first, then mentioning the negative.

 

Chapter One:

Positive:

  • The fight description, the way the actions are described and flow, is well written
  • The reveal that the fight was a training session was well done
  • Retnul's proactivity
  • Missionarying seems like a cool power

 

Negative:

  • The scenes feel like they are happening in empty rooms, just people standing or moving around in a featureless background, no context to their movements or interactions
  • The fight, consisting of two named characters who we haven't been told anything about, feels wonky
  • There is no context given to proper nouns (i.e. Null-Ranks, Melee) which clearly are important to the characters but leave us without any idea what is happening or why they matter
  • The exchange description feels a little clunky, he has a problem and then suddenly he has a solution, when we don't know why that was a problem to begin with, things are very abrupt
  • Describing his skills rather than showing them, told he is smart and knows people and being told rather than shown

 

(Also, minor point, but "Him and Retnul" seems a little clunky, and dawned on means to realise, so implications can dawn on someone, but simply being given information doesn't mean it dawns on them, only if they realise significance behind it, unspoken information causing someone to realise something by the information given.)

 

Chapter Two:

Positive:

  • Good descriptions of Rojin and his history, and some context to the idea that the peasantry often have some royal blood in them
  • The gossip about the swordsmith and the affair are nice side details which may or may not be important for the rest of the story, but add realism and are the type of thing that would be discussed

 

Negative:

  • Descriptions are still a little clunky at the start, though they smoother as it goes on

 

Otherwise this is a promising start :-)

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The Unknown Ajah

The Unknown Ajah

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On 3/20/2021 at 2:41 AM, Ixthos said:

I understand :-) just remember to stick to one or the other. I agree that the first person descriptions worked better than the third person, the story probably will work much better from the first person viewpoint, though that ultimately is entirely up to you.

First of all, thanks for the feedback. Now I'll respond to most of it.

I will, first person seems to be much easier, so I should be using that from here on out. 

Quote

Positive:

  • The fight description, the way the actions are described and flow, is well written
  • The reveal that the fight was a training session was well done
  • Retnul's proactivity
  • Missionarying seems like a cool power

Thank you, I feel that fights are my biggest strength, although I do have some problems that is will be correcting.

That wasn't even meant to be a reveal, but on my rewrite I think I'll lean into that I little bit more.

Thinking of my plan for the book, I don't think he really stops being proactive. I don't tend to have any problems with making them proactive, giving them good goals and motivations however, that I am not good at.

Thanks, I'm pretty sure that was introduced in the thirdish mental draft of this book (this is the first physical draft, and the fourth mental draft). Also, if you have problems with soft magic systems, then I'll warn you that this has a soft magic system with lots of hard magic powers.

Quote

Negative:

  • The scenes feel like they are happening in empty rooms, just people standing or moving around in a featureless background, no context to their movements or interactions
  • The fight, consisting of two named characters who we haven't been told anything about, feels wonky
  • There is no context given to proper nouns (i.e. Null-Ranks, Melee) which clearly are important to the characters but leave us without any idea what is happening or why they matter
  • The exchange description feels a little clunky, he has a problem and then suddenly he has a solution, when we don't know why that was a problem to begin with, things are very abrupt
  • Describing his skills rather than showing them, told he is smart and knows people and being told rather than shown

That is my biggest weakness in my opinion. I already have some fixes in mind, but please point out whenever I start doing this because my mind has these places fully imagined, but the reader doesn't. 

Could you explain this one better? It seems like you're saying that there aren't really stakes? I'm not sure what this means. Also, I will be making some changes to make the skill levels of the two more obvious.

No context to the Melee is definitely a problem, but I don't think the lack of explanation for the term "Null-Ranks" is too important. I might step it down to a normal noun because it's an equivalent to a army recruit in training.

When I make the aforementioned changes to the fight, I'm planning on having him think about this to make that seem less abrupt. 

I'm not really sure how to explain that, in fact, I might remove it altogether and let the reader infer it.

Quote

(Also, minor point, but "Him and Retnul" seems a little clunky, and dawned on means to realise, so implications can dawn on someone, but simply being given information doesn't mean it dawns on them, only if they realise significance behind it, unspoken information causing someone to realise something by the information given.)

That's partially why I switched to first person. Thanks for pointing that out, even if I have no idea how to change it, but I doubt I'll have to use that sentence in the rewrite.

Quote

Positive:

  • Good descriptions of Rojin and his history, and some context to the idea that the peasantry often have some royal blood in them
  • The gossip about the swordsmith and the affair are nice side details which may or may not be important for the rest of the story, but add realism and are the type of thing that would be discussed

Before I respond, one thing about chapter two. It isn't done yet, so the might be more problems later in the chapter.

Thank you, I actually free wrote that story. Some quick history on most peasants having royal blood: During the early days of this kingdom, the royals had a tendency to marry anyone for alliance, no matter their social status, eventually there was quite a bit of royal blood within most people. As they spread about the land, the amount of royal blooded people ment that within a few generations, nearly everyone had royal blood. The concept of nobles grew from the habit of amount of royal blood deciding social status. Eventually, there grew to be a group of people who had consistantly married into the royal line. Due to the amount of royal blood these people had, they had immense social standing. Over time, these people gained so much power and wealth that they were becoming dangers to the royal family. The king at the time that made anyone with a sufficient amount of royal blood a "noble" therefore being unable to inherit and therefore having to pay taxes to the main royal family. 

I don't plan on them being important to the story, but a sword made by the swordsmith might appear at some point.

Quote

Negative:

  • Descriptions are still a little clunky at the start, though they get smoother as it goes on

Yep, worst problem here, nice to know it gets smoother.

Quote

Otherwise this is a promising start :-)

Thanks, I really enjoyed having some unbiased advice on the book.

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Ixthos

Ixthos

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@The Unknown Order You are welcome :-) 

To clarify on the idea of two people introduced by being named and then fighting, it's mainly about how it feels to me reading. I'm not sure if I can adequately described why it is a problem, but I will try - please note this is my take, and others might disagree. This observation - the two characters named and then shown fighting - is related to the issue of the scene not being described. Usually, when introduced to a scene or to a character, the narration for most stories - at least it seems to me - starts by focusing on one character, who they are and what they are doing. Other characters may be described, but usually aren't named aside from perhaps their role or title, things people intuitively understand and allows them to quickly classify who the non-focus characters are, but the narration will usually name a character, describe them in brief, and only then move on to another character if the focus isn't on a single character but on the activities of the group. When the narration instead names two characters and says what they are doing or how they are interacting, it hasn't formed a connection to those characters yet. We know their names, but not what they look like, where they are, what they are feeling, or even how they are related to one another.

Some example first lines of published books, or first introductions to certain characters (so remember, these are final drafts, don't compare your writing to them as these also went through several drafts beforehand, and are only examples of first lines or character introductions), each involving multiple people at the start:

 

 Mistborn: The Final Empire

Quote

ASH FELL FROM THE SKY.
Lord Tresting frowned, glancing up at the ruddy midday sky as his servants scuttled forward, opening a parasol over Tresting and his distinguished guest. Ashfalls weren’t that uncommon in the Final Empire, but Tresting had hoped to avoid getting soot stains on his fine new suit coat and red vest, which had just arrived via canal boat from Luthadel itself. Fortunately, there wasn’t much wind; the parasol would likely be effective.
Tresting stood with his guest on a small hilltop patio that overlooked the fields. Hundreds of people in brown smocks worked in the falling ash, caring for the crops. There was a sluggishness to their efforts—but, of course, that was the way of the skaa. The peasants were an indolent, unproductive lot. They didn’t complain, of course; they knew better than that. Instead, they simply worked with bowed heads, moving about their work with quiet apathy. The passing whip of a taskmaster would force them into dedicated motion for a few moments, but as soon as the taskmaster passed, they would return to their languor.
Tresting turned to the man standing beside him on the hill. “One would think,” Tresting noted, “that a thousand years of working in fields would have bred them to be a little more effective at it.”

 

The Well of Ascension

Quote

THE ARMY CREPT LIKE A dark stain across the horizon.
King Elend Venture stood motionless upon the Luthadel city wall, looking out at the enemy troops. Around him, ash fell from the sky in fat, lazy flakes. It wasn't the burnt white ash that one saw in dead coals; this was a deeper, harsher black ash. The Ashmounts had been particularly active lately.
Elend felt the ash dust his face and clothing, but he ignored it. In the distance, the bloody red sun was close to setting. It backlit the army that had come to take Elend's kingdom from him.
"How many?" Elend asked quietly.
"Fifty thousand, we think," Ham said, leaning against the parapet, beefy arms folded on the stone. Like everything in the city, the wall had been stained black by countless years of ashfalls.

 

The Hero of Ages

Quote

FATREN SQUINTED UP AT THE RED SUN, which hid behind its perpetual screen of dark haze. Black ash fell lightly from the sky, as it did most days lately. The thick flakes fell straight, the air stagnant and hot, without even a hint of a breeze to lighten Fatren's mood. He sighed, leaning back against the earthen bulwark, looking over Vetitan. His town.
"How long?" he asked.
Druffel scratched his nose. His face was stained black with ash. He hadn't given much thought to hygiene lately. Of course, considering the stress of the last few months, Fatren knew that he himself wasn't much to look at either.
"An hour, maybe," Druffel said, spitting into the dirt of the bulwark.
Fatren sighed, staring up at the falling ash. "Do you think it's true, Druffel? What people are saying?"
"What?" Druffel asked. "That the world is ending?"
Fatren nodded.
"Don't know," Druffel said. "Don't really care."
"How can you say that?"
Druffel shrugged, scratching himself. "Soon as those koloss arrive, I'll be dead. That's pretty much the end of the world for me."

 

Warbreaker

Quote

It’s funny, Vasher thought, how many things begin with my getting thrown into prison.
The guards laughed to one another, slamming the cell door shut with a clang. Vasher stood and dusted himself off, rolling his shoulder and wincing. While the bottom half of his cell door was solid wood, the top half was barred, and he could see the three guards open his large duffel and riffle through his possessions.
One of them noticed him watching. The guard was an oversized beast of a man with a shaved head and a dirty uniform that barely retained the bright yellow and blue coloring of the T’Telir city guard.
Bright colors, Vasher thought. I’ll have to get used to those again. In any other nation, the vibrant blues and yellows would have been ridiculous on soldiers. This, however, was Hallandren: land of Returned gods, Lifeless servants, BioChromatic research, and—of course—color.
The large guard sauntered up to the cell door, leaving his friends to amuse themselves with Vasher’s belongings. “They say you’re pretty tough,” the man said, sizing up Vasher.
Vasher did not respond.
“The bartender says you beat down some twenty men in the brawl.” The guard rubbed his chin. “You don’t look that tough to me. Either way, you should have known better than to strike a priest. The others, they’ll spend a night locked up. You, though . . . you’ll hang. Colorless fool.”

 

Dune

Quote

In the week before their departure to Arrakis, when all the final scurrying about had reached a nearly unbearable frenzy, an old crone came to visit the mother of the boy, Paul.
    It was a warm night at Castle Caladan, and the ancient pile of stone that had served the Atreides family as home for twenty-six generations bore that cooled-sweat feeling it acquired before a change in the weather.
    The old woman was let in by the side door down the vaulted passage by Paul's room and she was allowed a moment to peer in at him where he lay in his bed.
    By the half-light of a suspensor lamp, dimmed and hanging near the floor, the awakened boy could see a bulky female shape at his door, standing one step ahead of his mother. The old woman was a witch shadow-hair like matted spiderwebs, hooded 'round darkness of features, eyes like glittering jewels.
    "Is he not small for his age, Jessica?" the old woman asked. Her voice wheezed and twanged like an untuned baliset.
    Paul's mother answered in her soft contralto: "The Atreides are known to start late getting their growth, Your Reverence."
    "So I've heard, so I've heard," wheezed the old woman. "Yet he's already fifteen."
    "Yes, Your Reverence."
    "He's awake and listening to us," said the old woman. "Sly little rascal." She chuckled. "But royalty has need of slyness. And if he's really the Kwisatz Haderach well"
    Within the shadows of his bed, Paul held his eyes open to mere slits. Two bird-bright ovals-the eyes of the old woman-seemed to expand and glow as they stared into his.
    "Sleep well, you sly little rascal," said the old woman. "Tomorrow you'll need all your faculties to meet my gom jabbar."
    And she was gone, pushing his mother out, closing the door with a solid thump.
    Paul lay awake wondering: What's a gom jabbar?

 

Also from Dune, when the Harkonnens are introduced:

Quote

It was a relief globe of a world, partly in shadows, spinning under the impetus of a fat hand that glittered with rings. The globe sat on a freeform stand at one wall of a windowless room whose other walls presented a patchwork of multicolored scrolls, filmbooks, tapes and reels. Light glowed in the room from golden balls hanging in mobile suspensor fields.
    An ellipsoid desk with a top of jade-pink petrified elacca wood stood at the center of the room. Veriform suspensor chairs ringed it, two of them occupied. In one sat a dark-haired youth of about sixteen years, round of face and with sullen eyes. The other held a slender, short man with effeminate face.
    Both youth and man stared at the globe and the man half-hidden in shadows spinning it.
    A chuckle sounded beside the globe. A basso voice rumbled out of the chuckle: "There it is, Piter-the biggest mantrap in all history. And the Duke's headed into its jaws. Is it not a magnificent thing that I, the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, do?"
    "Assuredly, Baron," said the man. His voice came out tenor with a sweet, musical quality.
    The fat hand descended onto the globe, stopped the spinning. Now, all eyes in the room could focus on the motionless surface and see that it was the kind of globe made for wealthy collectors or planetary governors of the Empire. It had the stamp of Imperial handicraft about it. Latitude and longitude lines were laid in with hair-fine platinum wire. The polar caps were insets of finest cloud-milk diamonds.
    The fat hand moved, tracing details on the surface. "I invite you to observe," the basso voice rumbled. "Observe closely, Piter, and you, too, Feyd-Rautha, my darling: from sixty degrees north to seventy degrees south-these exquisite ripples. Their coloring: does it not remind you of sweet caramels? And nowhere do you see blue of lakes or rivers or seas. And these lovely polar caps-so small. Could anyone mistake this place? Arrakis! Truly unique. A superb setting for a unique Victory."

 

The Diamond Throne

Quote

It was raining. A soft, silvery drizzle sifted down out of the night sky and wreathed around the blocky watchtowers of the city of Cimmura, hissing in the torches on each side of the broad gate and making the stones of the road leading up to the city shiny and black. A lone rider approached the city. He was wrapped in a dark, heavy traveller's cloak and rode a tall, shaggy roan horse with a long nose and flat, vicious eyes. The traveller was a big man, a bigness of large, heavy bone and ropy tendon rather than of flesh. His hair was coarse and black, and at some time his nose had been broken. He rode easily, but with the peculiar alertness of the trained warrior.

His name was Sparhawk, a man at least ten years older than he looked, who carried the erosion of his years not so much on his battered face as in a half-dozen or so minor infirmities and discomforts and in the several wide purple scars upon his body which always ached in damp weather. Tonight, however, he felt his age, and he wished only for a warm bed in the obscure inn which was his goal. Sparhawk was coming home at last after a decade of being someone else with a different name in a country where it almost never rained, where the sun was a hammer pounding down on a bleached white anvil of sand and rock and hard-baked clay, where the walls of the buildings were thick and white to ward off the blows of the sun, and where graceful women went to the wells in the silvery light of early morning with large clay vessels balanced on their shoulders and black veils across their faces.

The big roan horse shuddered absently, shaking the rain out of his shaggy coat, and approached the city gate, stopping in the ruddy circle of torchlight before the gatehouse.

An unshaven gate guard in a rust-splotched breastplate and helmet, and with a patched green cloak negligently hanging from one shoulder, came unsteadily out of the gatehouse and stood swaying in Sparhawk's path. 'I'll need your name,' he said in a voice thick with drink.

Sparhawk gave him a long stare, then opened his cloak to show the heavy silver amulet hanging on a chain about his neck.

The half-drunk gate guard's eyes widened slightly, and he stepped back a pace. 'Oh,' he said, 'Sorry, my Lord. Go ahead.'

Another guard poked his head out of the gatehouse.

'Who is it, Raf?' he demanded.

'A Pandion Knight,' the first guard replied nervously.

'What's his business in Cimmura?'

'I don't question the Pandions, Bral,' the man named Raf answered. He smiled ingratiatingly up at Sparhawk. 'New man,' he said apologetically, jerking his thumb back over his shoulder at his comrade. 'He'll learn in time, my Lord. Can we serve you in any way?'

'No,' Sparhawk replied, 'Thanks all the same. You'd better get in out of the rain, neighbour. You'll catch cold out here.' He handed a small coin to the green cloaked guard and rode on into the city, passing up the narrow, cobbled street beyond the gate with the slow clatter of the big roan's steel-shod hooves echoing back from the buildings.

 

Those brief lines of description or dialogue quickly establish some connection and context, helping ground us in the scene, it makes us care. Seeing two people who we somehow know the names of but don't know the motivations of however doesn't help establish connections. Even if the characters are one-shots or remain unnamed, a quick establishment of who they are - not a name but a motivation or relation or their emotional state or states - helps. Some are named named immediately, others remain nameless, some are main characters and some don't appear in the story again, yet in each of those scenes we have an immediate grasp of what is happening, or a general sense along with a mystery.

 

[Edit] Just to clarify, I'm not saying you shouldn't start with those two characters fighting, but rather to establish more about at least one of them, preferably both, during the fight, and possibly even before naming them; so name one and say he dodged an attack, then regarded his opponent, then describe the opponent or name him, and possibly relate a feature of one or both of them - such as height or musculature- to the fight, as an example. You are free to use or not use that suggestion, or to come up with your own approach. [/Edit]

 

I hope you keep writing, and I look forwards to reading any other drafts and chapters you post :-) stay encouraged, keep going! And I wish you well :-)

Edited by Ixthos
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The Unknown Ajah

The Unknown Ajah

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7 hours ago, Mayalaran said:

I would be open to it!!!

I already started posting it.

On 3/3/2021 at 11:11 PM, The Unknown Order said:

Is this long enough for a double post? If it's not, sorry.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bHKEOm_razcJljsLfjqozxlvaQH8WHYMQmOh67CmrS8/edit?usp=drivesdk

 

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