C_Vallion

2.1.2021 - C_Vallion - Price of Peace: Chapter 1B and 2 - 4983 Words

27 posts in this topic

52 minutes ago, Robinski said:

There's no way I could take on the alpha read, I'm afraid, but if you've got @kais on the...case, you don't need me.

No problem.  @kais is very much on the case.  :) 

52 minutes ago, Robinski said:

I'm absolutely incredulous that the queen would leave private political notes lying around in the library.

It's the queen's private study off of the library, with a posted guard.  But it's also not relevant in the new revision.  So we can avoid that altogether. 

52 minutes ago, Robinski said:

The man servant hisses in pain, dirty shirt, clothes all around, doesn't affect the plot. The servants hanging the bunting, establishes the party, and the ceremony, probably okay. The stuff about the jewellery looks like it might be relevant further on, foreshadowing, probably fine. The long-serving nature of the Trev? We';ve had that in the prologue, haven't we? All the stuff about rooms being too small, clothes being unpacked. All that can be summed up in a couple of lines, and I have a strong feeling that none of it is going to be relevant to the plot.

Some of this is correct and unnecessary (or at the very least, far more time is spent on it than necessary), but a lot of the details that are just coming across as weird tidbits of detached information are plot relevant and/or foreshadowing.  They're just not presented well, or the weird thing-that-happens tidbit (Al- leaving half-sewn shirts lying around) drown out what's meant to be the actually relevant part (3/4 of a page later when Al- is mentioning his anxiety about everything that's going on and that patching a shirt is a small, achievable, repetitive task that helps get his mind settled.  And that Tre- is concerned when Al- mentions the anxiety spike).  So it ends up looking like just a weird thing that happens instead of giving the character insight it's supposed to.  
The number of these occurrences that people have called out as weird or confusing is definitely proof that I'm approaching them very incorrectly.  But I'm not sure how to fix it. And some of them are foreshadowing things that are too far out for them to be kept in mind anyway. Which is a whole other issue. 

45 minutes ago, Robinski said:

The prologue at least had tension in the aftermath of the explosion

In many ways, the tension of the prologue was supposed to carry through to allow for a quieter opening before the true inciting incident.  But the opening chapters have too many other issues, and there are too many of them that go on too long for it to actually work.  Especially when said prologue has it's own significant issues.

Thanks for your thoughts! They are a huge help in figuring out the right sorts of things to ask for feedback on. 

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21 hours ago, C_Vallion said:

But I'm not sure how to fix it.

I think the way to approach this sort of thing actually might be to cut way back on it. Mention it, but don't dwell on it. A casual one line aside to the state of the room, and/or the mending is actually likely to be more memorable than a treatise about it, subject to how it's done.

21 hours ago, C_Vallion said:

In many ways, the tension of the prologue was supposed to carry through to allow for a quieter opening before the true inciting incident.

That's okay if the inciting incident is in Chapter One or Two, but we're rolling into Chapter Four now and there's still nothing.

Glad to be of help :) 

Edited by Robinski
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