Poetry/Critiques/Workshops/Advice From Nath

[Nathrangking]

Here is a thread for aspiring and established shard poets. Share your works get critique from myself should you desire it. Perhaps critique the work of others. Workshops possible if there is interest. Suggestions are welcome.

Edited December 31, 2020 by Nathrangking

[Vessel of Theory]

2 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

Here is a thread for aspiring and established shard poets. Share your works get critique from myself should you desire it. Perhaps critique the work of others . Workshops possible if there is interest.

Thanks for making this, @Nathrangking! Looking forward to seeing what people write  

Okay, here goes... please be gentle, never done this before. I can answer any questions about context, if that's an issue.

My apologies, the title is "Reach Song". Probably important

Spoiler

 

When the sands were divided by blood and bronze,

When you risked your world, when you cursed their souls,

If they threatened your chances, would you make them cease,

Or would you let go of your dreams of peace?

 

If a darkness descended from the eastern mounts,

If it threatened the progress you’d sacrificed for,

Would you heed your pride, remain and resist,

Or would you listen to wisdom and flee for your lives?

 

If malevolent forces had given you chase,

And revealed their goal to end your race,

If they moved against you, with impossible strength,

And they singled you out, would you fight for your life?

 

Would you make a stand, would you draw your blade,

Would you raise it high, and bear it with pride,

If the land you love, and the people you know, 

Were threatened by enemies broken and old?

 

If the armies of hell marched against you at last,

With their fires in the sky, your people aghast,

Would you fight to your death when you’re fully sure,

Would you willingly meet with your final hour?

 

If help sailed to your shores, and it offered its hand,

Would you take it to save yourself, save your land,

If you knew that the price would bring death once more,

If you knew that it’d bring you another war?

 

If the tide was turned, and hell’s armies bent back,

Would you accept the passion that heedless attacked?

If the sky bled fire, and the land was charred,

Would you still renounce salvation’s unholy power?

 

If hell broke the Earth’s heart, and they stole its power,

If an enemy undefeatable came to your door,

Would your will then break, or would you stand,

To bleed your last for a hopeless cause?

 

If you were offered salvation, by holy powers vile,

And you took the bargain to live again,

If it cost your people everything they knew,

Would you say it was worth it or would you regret it?

 

If all of your best, fought to no avail,

If the heart of your people was bound once more,

By the hand that helped you, in your time of need,

Will you break your word to live again?

 

Will you make a stand, will you draw your blade,

WIll you raise it high, and bear it with pride,

For the land you love, and the people you know, 

Are threatened by enemies broken and old!

 

For all of your best fight to no avail,

For the heart of your people is bound once more,

By the hand that helped you, in your time of need,

You must break your word to live again!

 

 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Vessel of Theory

[Nathrangking]

5 hours ago, Vessel of Theory said:

Thanks for making this, @Nathrangking! Looking forward to seeing what people write  

Okay, here goes... please be gentle, never done this before. I can answer any questions about context, if that's an issue.

My apologies, the title is "Reach Song". Probably important

  Reveal hidden contents

 

When the sands were divided by blood and bronze,

When you risked your world, when you cursed their souls,

If they threatened your chances, would you make them cease,

Or would you let go of your dreams of peace?

 

If a darkness descended from the eastern mounts,

If it threatened the progress you’d sacrificed for,

Would you heed your pride, remain and resist,

Or would you listen to wisdom and flee for your lives?

 

If malevolent forces had given you chase,

And revealed their goal to end your race,

If they moved against you, with impossible strength,

And they singled you out, would you fight for your life?

 

Would you make a stand, would you draw your blade,

Would you raise it high, and bear it with pride,

If the land you love, and the people you know, 

Were threatened by enemies broken and old?

 

If the armies of hell marched against you at last,

With their fires in the sky, your people aghast,

Would you fight to your death when you’re fully sure,

Would you willingly meet with your final hour?

 

If help sailed to your shores, and it offered its hand,

Would you take it to save yourself, save your land,

If you knew that the price would bring death once more,

If you knew that it’d bring you another war?

 

If the tide was turned, and hell’s armies bent back,

Would you accept the passion that heedless attacked?

If the sky bled fire, and the land was charred,

Would you still renounce salvation’s unholy power?

 

If hell broke the Earth’s heart, and they stole its power,

If an enemy undefeatable came to your door,

Would your will then break, or would you stand,

To bleed your last for a hopeless cause?

 

If you were offered salvation, by holy powers vile,

And you took the bargain to live again,

If it cost your people everything they knew,

Would you say it was worth it or would you regret it?

 

If all of your best, fought to no avail,

If the heart of your people was bound once more,

By the hand that helped you, in your time of need,

Will you break your word to live again?

 

Will you make a stand, will you draw your blade,

WIll you raise it high, and bear it with pride,

For the land you love, and the people you know, 

Are threatened by enemies broken and old!

 

For all of your best fight to no avail,

For the heart of your people is bound once more,

By the hand that helped you, in your time of need,

You must break your word to live again!

 

 

It's my pleasure to do what I can.

*Flourishing Bow.*

When reading the poem I could feel the rhythm of lines with what appeared at times to be some imperfect rhymes. While the rhythms are very strong and aid in the conveyance of your poetry the lack of consistency in the use of your rhyme scheme can be improved. A more consistent usage could strengthen the beats of the poem. There seems to a narrative thread running through the poem. That being said I'm less sure how the first and last stanzas relates to what follows and came before. They seem weaker than what they connect to and do seem to detract from the overall message. Excellent use of enjambments they really help carry the lines and build tension! The use of imagery could be stronger if you wanted to be more raw and visceral. Overall great work!

[Vessel of Theory]

2 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

It's my pleasure to do what I can.

*Flourishing Bow.*

When reading the poem I could feel the rhythm of lines with what appeared at times to be some imperfect rhymes. While the rhythms are very strong and aid in the conveyance of your poetry the lack of consistency in the use of your rhyme scheme can be improved. A more consistent usage could strengthen the beats of the poem. There seems to a narrative thread running through the poem. That being said I'm less sure how the first and last stanzas relates to what follows and came before. They seem weaker than what they connect to and do seem to detract from the overall message. Excellent use of enjambments they really help carry the lines and build tension! The use of imagery could be stronger if you wanted to be more raw and visceral. Overall great work!

Thanks! I'll look into making better rhymes

[Nathrangking]

37 minutes ago, Vessel of Theory said:

Thanks! I'll look into making better rhymes

No problem at all.  Imperfect rhymes can work if you use them consistently throughout the poem. Even with better rhymes I would say that the key is going to be to make sure that whatever way you do use them will be constant. If for example you end the 2nd and 3rd lines of a stanza with a rhyme follow that same structure for every 2nd and 3rd line.

[Bearer of all agonies]

Wow! Y’all are amazing.  I wish I could write like y’all. I will stay tuned so I can learn. Thanks Nath!

[Nathrangking]

8 hours ago, Bearer of all agonies said:

Wow! Y’all are amazing.  I wish I could write like y’all. I will stay tuned so I can learn. Thanks Nath!

You are amazing for wanting to learn about poetry that is bravery. I'll probably learn a thing or two from the shard. 

[Vessel of Theory]

11 hours ago, Bearer of all agonies said:

Wow! Y’all are amazing.  I wish I could write like y’all. I will stay tuned so I can learn. Thanks Nath!

 

2 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

You are amazing for wanting to learn about poetry that is bravery. I'll probably learn a thing or two from the shard. 

 

Journey before destination, y'all  

[Condensation]

Ooh... I'll be back.

Although I might talk myself out of it.

[Nathrangking]

36 minutes ago, Condensation said:

Ooh... I'll be back.

Although I might talk myself out of it.

Don't. Your presence will add immeasurably to this thread!!

[Condensation]

I mean, I'll try my best. I couldn't find my poetry notebook, so I'm making up a haiku on the spot. Because my cat's on my lap.

A soft rumbly noise
The seamless silky orange fur
He might be asleep

But I know better
His ears twitch at my light touch
Gentle love - I smile

[Nathrangking]

Just now, Condensation said:

I mean, I'll try my best. I couldn't find my poetry notebook, so I'm making up a haiku on the spot. Because my cat's on my lap.

A soft rumbly noise
The seamless silky orange fur
He might be asleep

But I know better
His ears twitch at my light touch
Gentle love - I smile

Spontaneous works. When you find the poetry notebook you can ask about them should you wish to. Let it be noted that Haiku is my least favorite type of poetry so be kind to my comments. As a minor note the first haiku's middle line is one syllable too many. The textured images of the haiku are very evocative. I can hear the breathing, see the motion of the ears, and can take in the color of the fur. I can sense the love. Now the only thing that might throw off the reader is the way that the second poem relies on a knowledge of the first. Overall enjoyable Haiku overall.

[Condensation]

4 minutes ago, Nathrangking said:

Spontaneous works. When you find the poetry notebook you can ask about them should you wish to. Let it be noted that Haiku is my least favorite type of poetry so be kind to my comments. As a minor note the first haiku's middle line is one syllable too many. The textured images of the haiku are very evocative. I can hear the breathing, see the motion of the ears, and can take in the color of the fur. I can sense the love. Now the only thing that might throw off the reader is the way that the second poem relies on a knowledge of the first. Overall enjoyable Haiku overall.

Thanks! Um... I don't say orange or-ange, I say it orange. So that's my bad.

[Nathrangking]

Just now, Condensation said:

Thanks! Um... I don't say orange or-ange, I say it orange. So that's my bad.

I try to help as best I can. There are worse things than going a syllable over. 

[Condensation]

1 hour ago, Nathrangking said:

I try to help as best I can. There are worse things than going a syllable over. 

It's true. Hold on, I think I might know where that notebook is.

[Nathrangking]

19 minutes ago, Condensation said:

It's true. Hold on, I think I might know where that notebook is.

In any case hope that this thread ends up being helpful. When and if you find the notebook or even if you just come up with poems on the fly feel free to bring them here. If I am as good as some sharders think then I have to put my skills to good use.

[Condensation]

1 minute ago, Nathrangking said:

In any case hope that this thread ends up being helpful. When and if you find the notebook or even if you just come up with poems on the fly feel free to bring them here. If I am as good as some sharders think then I have to put my skills to good use.

It's already been helpful. No worries. And you are that good!

[Nathrangking]

2 minutes ago, Condensation said:

It's already been helpful. No worries. And you are that good!

I'm glad for that fact and thank you!