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Snakenaps

12,14,2020 - Snakenaps - Name of the King - D3 Chapter 32 (3,353 words)

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Thank you ahead of time! Happy holidays!

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Well, I forgot I was supposed to be looking for problems because I wanted to know what happened :-) that seems like a good sign

So, after going back and reading it again...

Is Ir back home now? It seems like a linking line or two about returning is missing, or else is this her temoroary home at their current stop?

"Because I'm the kind of idiot who goes working" goes to work

Overall, not much to say beyond that it felt breif. I would have liked a little more reaction time for Ir to process what was happening because this feels like a big turning point.

A pleasure to read, as usual

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My favorite part of the chapter is when Ir keeps speculating about what could be in the scroll, and if it's a greater risk to her people/family for her to keep it secret or hand it over to the BK. Normally I don't like when internal thoughts go on for this long, so I'm not certain this is the ideal format for these ideas, but I think what drew me in was how Ir was getting involved with the larger ideas we've been hearing about in the background throughout the story. In the previous chapters it's felt a bit like we're reading two separate stories, and only now are they beginning to converge.

That leads into my main comments for the chapter. For most of the chapter, while the events are finally getting into motion, they don't really interact with Ir's character much (so far as I can tell). Her getting involved happens on something she blurts out without really thinking it through, and as with previous chapters in the story it feels more like stuff is happening to her than her guiding the story along. I think a lot of this for me is how disconnected the events are at some points from her main motivations. From what I can tell, it seems like the main powerful forces in Ir's life are home and family. I liked her thoughts and hesitation about the scroll as described above because that was what brought the events of the story in contact with those character traits of her. So even though she wasn't doing anything in that moment, she felt more active than before. I think the story can push that further, and do more to show the events through the lens of Ir's character motivations. Because right now it feels like she as a character is still being pushed to the background for the events of the story to take place. 

A minor question: who exactly is holding the BK/W accountable if their ploy is discovered? It seemed odd to me that they would need to fear so much retribution from wine merchants. 

Best of luck with editing the story! :) 

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Overall this chapter was a nice change of pace, and I am glad that Ir had a little more involvement than normal. It feels like the plot is finally starting to go places. I don't have many structural thoughts on this one other than I wish more had happened. I liked when she involved herself with W, but that was basically it for this chapter. She just proceeds to get the scroll to the BK. I do like that she was putting some things together in her head, but I guess i just wanted more consequences or answers or something. That being said, i thought that this chapter had some nice development for Ir, so good job on that. 

Alright opening the document now

Eyyy its W!

Pg 1 “breathing slowyl out” – breathing out slowly

“instead of leaning on magic” but are illusions and glamours not magic also?

I’m liking the sneakiness of the chapter. It’s a nice change of pace

Pg 2 I like this detail about the lock pick

“ham” I believe that this descriptor was used for the crystal in the previous chapter as well. Not neceassarily a bad thing, I guess, but also noticeable. Makes me think that the shape is also ham-like.

Pg 3 “absolutely cr—” crunk. They were going to say crunk.

Btw what is the difference between a glamour and an illusion?

Pg 4 “silently cursing t” lol I liked this line.

Pg 5 ohoho, she reconginzed them! Will she turn them in?

“if they was” if they were

I get this is just Ir’s reasoning, but wouldn’t the BK just disavow W? Or if he was implicated, just create a trump charge for the winery and have them all imprisoned or something for treason? Ok, the thing about the revolutionaries seems a bit more valid, but I feel like they are planning to attack anyway.

“would be being searched” would be searched

Pg 6 smart, with the perfume, since I assume that there are dog police (as opposed to police dogs) 

Im really liking that Ir is getting involved in this whole scheme. It’s also very telling, imo, of where her true allegiance lies now.

Pg 7 “patting each person” with their wings or their claws? How does that work if they have to use their claws to walk on? Do they use one claw at a time, or sit on their back legs?

Pg 8 oh,ok this answers my questions

“but the BK wouldn’t be interested” do you mean “because the BK wouldn’t be interested”? this seems contradictory to me.

Pg 10 “get the scroll to—” I think this is the third instance this chapter with a cut-off thought. At this point, it’s noticeable. It’s my opinion that they get less powerful with each use.

Pg 11 hmmmmmmm why does he want them? hmmm. I'm guessing it has to do something with containing the F. 

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Overall

Hmm, so this read more smoothly and had a more defined arc than I think any chapter I've yet read with I as the lead. So nicely done there! I think the strongest point is the middle where I is with W in the bushes. The start with W could use some more pep, and the end I think drags a touch too long, then doesn't spend enough time between I and TBK. That's a great moment there that could be played up more.

But overall, I enjoyed this!

 

As I go

- first sentence is not very powerful. Consider changing to a more dynamic entrance

- pg 2: because this should be a tense scene, I'd like less internal monologue from W and more description of atmosphere and action

- pg 3: I repeat that I do not like these mid-chapter POV breaks. They kill whatever momentum the chapter had building and are very jarring

- pg 5: Okay, the payoff for the dual POV is worth it, but I still grumble. If W's interlude was a bit more dynamic I think I wouldn't quibble as much

- pg 6: smelled like the woods <-- would like particulars please. There are lots of woodsy smells. Campfire? Leaves in autumn? Cedar? Pine? Trillium blooms?

 

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Yay! Proactive Ir finally!

I'll agree with @kais that this is one of the most exciting chapters in the book because there's mystery and tension whether Ir or W will get out. I would like the entire tour to consist of Ir constantly pulled unwittingly into helping W with stealing things and getting information once she does so once accidentally. TBK would definitely reuse an accidental resource like that, and it would make it easier on W (who I want to see more of).

My biggest concern with this part was what exactly TBK needed from the crystal. It sounds like all he needed was the rubbings, which makes me wonder if he could just praise G enough to get a private viewing of the crystal, then memorize what he needed. Also, W does a rubbing and takes the crystal, which seems like overkill. He could do one or the other and not take as much time. I was thinking he would leave the crystal, because then it seems like nothing was taken. Or alternately, if he had to steal the crystal to get the rubbings finished, drop it somewhere and look like the robbery was unsuccessful. I guess I don't know why G is proud of having the crystal. Is it because of the rock itself, or does he know something about the markings too? We might need some more information on this.

11 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 3: I repeat that I do not like these mid-chapter POV breaks. They kill whatever momentum the chapter had building and are very jarring

I didn't have a problem with this, but this is also a known difference between Kais and my styles. I don't mind mid-chapter breaks if done right, because they can be a mini-cliffhanger to prod you on into the next section. 

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "stuck their tongue out"
--why?

pg 1: "Their flight...at the beginning of the year"
--was this actually in the book? Can't remember.

pg 1: "could use glamours or illusions...instead of leaning on their magic"
--so wait, are glamours somehow not using the own person's magic?

pg 1/2: "cauking" -> "caulking",  "leveraging" -> "levering"

pg 2: so iron AND silver both weaken magic? Did we know this before, or is this new?

pg 2/3: "making quick rubbings", "shoving the crystal in their bag"
--confused here. Does TBK need the rubbings or the crystal? If the crystal, why is W taking the time to make rubbings? If the rubbings, why couldn't TBK just arrange to see the crystal and read the markings?

pg 3: "They’d never be able to drop the papers into the vase now"
--first, why not? and second, did we know this part of the plan before? Likely WRS.

pg 5: I like that Ir knows W now. Her helping a nice bit of proactivity that we haven't seen a lot of yet.

pg 6: “To hide my scent,” 
--do they have dogs sniffing for them? Or is this a common precaution in a world with intelligent animals with strong senses of smell? Now I'm imagining a whole industry of perfumes to disguise your true intentions...

pg 6: "most certainly stole from."
--Sooo...does W still have the crystal too? If so, what do the rubbings matter? Or did he drop it somewhere so it looked like someone tried to steal it and didn't succeed?

pg 8: Ir the panicked bad spy is very believable.

pg 9: Why exactly does G have the crystal if his business is wine? I'm still not clear on that.

pg 11: "wondered if this entire trip had been orchestrated for that tiny scroll of charms."
--Again, I really hope not because I believe TBK is a lot deeper than that and would have about ten different schemes all going at once since he's leaving the palace, as well as using the actual goodwill of the tour to his advantage.

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Comments.

(page 1)

- First line is rather passive. Is W opening the door? Suggest you make them active in this. Also, does the handle squeak, or make some noise? Or, show W being competent and smearing some grease on it in case it makes a noise, or some sap from a nearby tree. Super competent, and more interesting/active.

- "perfectly puffed pillows" - alteration throw-down; three to beat.

- "stuck their tongue out" - Huh? Why? Also, this second paragraph is a bit jumbly, doesn't flow well, IMO.

- "Holding an illusion for the environment around them, and a concealing glamour around their body" - What is the illusion doing? Confused. Why is it needed if their appearance is glamoured?

- "would have garnered suspicious...?" - missing word

- "Life was so much simpler when they could use glamours or illusions to boost their disguise, instead of leaning on their magic to provide it" - Confused again. So, are glamours and illusions not magic? And is their disguise physical/real then, since it requires boosting? I'm not following all the different things going on here. It's too complicated, IMO.

- "There were many columns in the mansion’s master bedroom, holding up the arched ceiling" - Architecture problem: an arch is a structural element that, by definition, has no internal supports. Kind of the point of ceilings is to avoid having posts and columns, and most rooms will not be big enough to need internal support, especially not a bedroom, which is unlikely to be a big enough span that normal floor joists / beams would not be able to span without support.  (different-types-of-ceilings)

- "found the one that with an almost invisible crack" - typo.

- "sticking their stiletto under a small gap where the cauking was missing" - (1) into a small gap, I'd say. How do you put something under a gap?; (2) 'caulking' - sp.; (3) caulking is a waterproof sealant, but this is not a bathroom. Grout would be the usual substance used to fill the gaps between floor tiles, in my experience of re-grouting both our kitchen and bath floors.

(page 2)

- "leveraging the heavy tile upwards" - levering. As a verb, leveraging is something you do in business, using borrowed capital to make another investment in the expectation that the returns will be greater than the interest you have to pay on the original loan, leaving you with a profit. IMO, this is the only meaning of leverage as a verb.

- "Each One lock pick was enough to earn W the death penalty if caught"

- "resources the BK had spent to find the location of locate the crystal" - Simple is best, usually.

(page 3)

- "gone out, and nearly gotten himself assassinated..." - Ahhhh. This is a satisfying callback to you-know-when.

- "tisking silently" - I usually see it as 'tsk' and therefore 'tsking'. Also, I'm not sure it's 'tsking' if it's silent, since the word is onomatopoeia that comes form the sound itself. Taking away the sound and how can the word still apply?

- "glamours and illusions" - Why both? I don't understand.

- "to reset the chest and tile" - There was no mention of a chest, W took the crystal from the hidden compartment. Oh, is that the lock they were picking? Better mention the chest, or removing the chest and mention a locked door.

- "There wasn’t time to reset the chest and tile, not if they were going to be able to slip the rubbings into the right vase as backup in case they were caught" - A smidge overwritten, IMO.

- "Leaves us all the time in the world" - Awkward using two phrases that centre around the word time, one after another.

- "stirred into motion" - But lame. I want more drama, more agitation: uproar, stramash, frenzy, outrage!

- "had excussed himself" - typo.

(page 4)

- "Ir paused to ask a servant for directions" - Once you establish we're in Ir's POV, you don't need to use her name again, unless another character comes into it, and then to reassert her POV. I think it's a lot more immersive if you just use the female pronouns. I think it makes the POV feel close, or maybe rather makes the reader feel close to Ir, that the don't need to be reminded of her name. They are not going to forget that.

- "Silently cursing the idiocy of the rich" - Cheap shot. The (so-called) rich are not any more idiotic than 'non-rich' people. 'Non-rich' people might (and I'm pretty sure do) have just as many dumb ideas, but perhaps don't have the funds to implement them. In this case, a struggling cooper might attempt to supplement his/her income by producing huge uncomfortable seats from old barrels. The particular bad idea does not rely on being rich to implement it. Lowest common denominator philosophy is not, I think, a good way to convince an editor that an author has interesting things to say about life, and the human condition.

- "Her back gave a satisfying pop" - Yaaaargh, <cringe>.

- "How much room did one family need?" - How big is the family? How large is the extended family? How often do they entertain? Do they run retreats, host wine holidays, multiple day tasting tours? Maybe the put up the harvesting crews. I'm sure they do. Not in the main house, of course.

- "now covered in ants" - lovely detail.

(page 5)

- "If they was discovered" - grammar typo.

- "the BK would be caught as well. His entire entourage could be in trouble" - No, I don't buy this. Okay, the BK will be caught, and would be embarrassed, but he's the king, he can do what he likes. No one is going to impeach him (for example ;) ). Imagine the FSB (Russian domestic security service, their FBI essentially) getting caught bugging some Russian business man? Boo-hoo. Would Vlad Putin be embarrassed? I suspect not. Incident brushed under the carpet, move on.

- "What would happen in B if the R got wind..." - Yes, okay, but BK has put down one attempt revolt already. I don't think he really faces any real threat from the rebels.

- "Heart hammering, she starred at W" - Typo: 'stared'.

- "whatever disguise was hidden under the bush" - Okay, I get that using glamour and/or illusions is taxing, and a physical disguise will be required sometimes just because of the logistic and cost of magic use, BUT, was it not mentioned when they broke in that W was wearing a disguise under the glamour+illusion? Doesn't that imply they changed from one physical servant disguise into a different physical servant disguise in order to break in? Yes, yes! Because they were thinking that it would look 'odd' if a servant was spotted on the roof. So, why have they gone to the trouble of changing from one servant disguise into a different one? This seems bizarrely overcomplicated, OR, I'm misinterpreting something.

- "“What can I do?”" - I do like her proactivity, and I believe that she would do this, always ready to help anyone in need if she can.

- "Too soon, the entire place would be being searched for whatever valuable" - Awkward > 'be being'. 'Any moment, Gre would start turning the place upside down searching for...' (for example).

(page 6)

- "clambered over the ugly barrel bench and onto the roof." - Stray inverted commas at the end here.

- "who W most certainly stole from" - confusing: Gre or the wife? And how does Ir know this 'most certainly'?

(page 7)

- "Guests were milling about, watching the drama Gr’s wife was causing with venomous eagerness. The rumor mill was already turning. She mimicked the servants and waiters, trying to look like she too wanted to avoid confrontation." - Okay, I feel I've been commenting a lot on this recently, and so I using this as a more general example, if you don't mind, @Snakenaps. I think that when one uses a name, or demarcates a clear individual (Gr's wife), the next pronoun needs to reflect that. So, in this case, I think 'She' sounds as if it refers to Gr's wife. In this case, I would replace 'She' with Ir.

However, if there is no other character being referred to, or even no other female character in the scene, it's only necessary to refer to Ir maybe once per page, and use general female pronouns almost exclusively. I think that makes the narrative more personal, puts the reader as close as possible to Ir's thoughts, because, clearly Ir will not think of herself by her name, but rather in terms of general pronouns (she, my, etc.).

- "griffin guard came down the line" - Who does the guard work for?

- "neatly folded in her waistband. she wiped her clammy hands" - typo: missing capital.

- "No one knew what had been taken" - Someone must know if they're searching for paper tucked in a waistband.

(page 8)

- "I just got to make sure that none of them are secretly spies from another winery" - (a) 'I've just got to make sure'; (b) I think secret goes without saying. Wouldn't be a very good spy if they were in public.

- "His eyes passed over Ir without a second glance, just like they had done to everyone else. had told the BK she had the scroll, right? Or did he not know?" - I think these lines are contradictory. First sentence, fine, no issue; (a) this wording I struggle to associate with the movement of eyes: it's the word 'they', I think, which sounds like the gender neutral pronoun in this case. If it was me, I'd word it as 'the same as everyone else', I think, removing the pronoun; (b) These two questions are misleading, or maybe rather dense. The BK would be insane to give an sign of recognition to Ir in this situation. She cannot draw conclusions to either of those questions, because the BK's reaction to her would be the same whether either answer was yes or no.

- "She sincerely doubted they were simply charms to improve wine, but the Black King wouldn’t be interested in something like that" - This second thought follows directly from the first one, it is not contrary to it.

- "Had they taken the trip just for this information?" - Now this is a smart thought. I'm not sure it has the impact is deserves, because of the wording. Just to play around with it, for suggesting purposes, 'Had the whole trip been for just this one piece of information?' - Here are three words that all stress the premise of the question, building it up so that it sounds more like a key discovering on Ir's part.

(page 9)

- "These thoughts tumbled over and over her mind" - I didn't get the sense of this thought on the first read through.

- "It’s ridiculous what the rich will get their tails in a knot over." - Consider it another way. Gr's whole business is dependent on his commercial secrets. Imagine if someone broke into the Coke laboratory and stole the formula? You'd expect them to react in order to protect their business. It's certainly not a disproportionate reaction, IMO.

- "as she missed the well-loved topic" - I don't understand the meaning here.

- "She hoped J thought that most of her worries were over her family, and not about something else" - Why 'most of'? Doesn't add anything, IMO.

(page 10)

- There are a few contradictory statements on this page:

(1) - "It was pitch black outside, except for the occasional lantern" - Hmph, I mean not really pitch black then.

(2) - "could see an equine form lit by one" - I feel it was pitch black, she would not be able to see anything. Pitch black, for me, is being in a cellar with no light.

(3) - "Except for his silhouette, the BK melted into the night" - But being silhouetted is the exact opposite of melting into the night, it's being illuminated for all to see.

- "a touch of curiosity, of excitement" - I feel this is a nicely timed reveal, after her acting to aid W instinctively. It's a good place for such a realisation, here at the end of the chapter.

(page 11)

(4) - "The sounds of a sleeping city echoed around them" - If the city's sleeping, what sounds can she hear?

- "getting any answers for a project" - I'd say 'answers about a project'

- "this entire trip had been orchestrated for that tiny scroll of charms" - She's asked herself this exact question before, so this repetition doesn't sound right. I think she needs to 'reconsider' this point, acknowledging in the phrasing that she has asked herself before, probably only an hour ago (or two?). It's as simple as 'So, had the entire trip been orchestrated...etc.'

- Oh, it's the last line of the chapter. That really doesn't work for me when asked herself this question before. Been if she hadn't, it still doesn't work as the last line of the chapter, IMO.

Overall 

I really do like this chapter. Honestly, I can't tell a great difference from when I read it before, but that's neither here nor there, I think. I recognise that Ir has more agency, and I do like her taking the initiative, then recognising afterwards that she's less scared of the BK, acknowledging her curiosity. Good stuff. It really does open up a door for Ir's progress as a character. There would be no harm in her forming a fascination with the work that W does. That really would propel her forward, but either way, I'm happy with this.

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In a lot of ways, I felt like this chapter had tension and forward movement that others lacked. It went by very quickly. 

I was very excited to see M breaking and entering. I liked that they almost got caught. However, it felt rushed and I didn't get the feeling of being as deep in M's head as I did in some of their other chapters. Something felt missing from this one. Maybe it's something that could be fixed by just slowing down the action so you linger a little more in each moment, and then doing another sentence level pass. You could play up the close call more. Show more of M's reaction to things getting caught or of them not going according to plan. 

In the next scene, I was glad to see I take some initiative, and then of course regret it. I loved the moment where she asked M how she could help. 

I enjoyed the line about cheap wine being better than expensive wine. My favorite red wine is under $10 a bottle.

There was a ton of tension in the part where everyone is getting frisked. But then it seems like they never actually frisk I. Did they skip her? Did I miss something? Was I supposed to assume BK used his telepathy or glamour to make them miss her? To me, this scene ended really abruptly and I want to know how she got out of getting caught. 

There was very little mention of J in this chapter. I'd love to see a few tiny moments that show how things have changed now that they've admitted to their feelings and decided to be together. 

I liked that I was pushing BK for answers. 

I remember a tiny bit of set up for the charms, but not quite enough to make I's realization about them have as much impact as it could. However, I know you've revised a lot, so I'm going assume that has changed. 

I'm looking forward to reading more!

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On 12/16/2020 at 10:42 PM, kais said:

then doesn't spend enough time between I and TBK. That's a great moment there that could be played up more.

Agree! 

 

On 12/17/2020 at 10:16 AM, Mandamon said:

My biggest concern with this part was what exactly TBK needed from the crystal. It sounds like all he needed was the rubbings, which makes me wonder if he could just praise G enough to get a private viewing of the crystal, then memorize what he needed. Also, W does a rubbing and takes the crystal, which seems like overkill. He could do one or the other and not take as much time. I was thinking he would leave the crystal, because then it seems like nothing was taken. Or alternately, if he had to steal the crystal to get the rubbings finished, drop it somewhere and look like the robbery was unsuccessful. I guess I don't know why G is proud of having the crystal. Is it because of the rock itself, or does he know something about the markings too? We might need some more information on this.

On 12/16/2020 at 10:42 PM, kais said:

I didn't think of this when I was reading, but after reading @Mandamon's comment here, I agree. 

On 12/18/2020 at 5:46 PM, Robinski said:

There would be no harm in her forming a fascination with the work that W does

Interesting! 

 

On 12/15/2020 at 11:11 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

A minor question: who exactly is holding the BK/W accountable if their ploy is discovered? It seemed odd to me that they would need to fear so much retribution from wine merchants. 

 

Good questions. 

 

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I think everyone else covered most of the grammar/spelling errors that I noticed so I wont comment on all of them here.

 

Page 1

-”garnered suspicious” suspicions?

-”W stuck their tongue out” I don’t know what kind of animal W is… but they could be like… a frog? Or a chameleon? 

 

Page 3

-”...for a bit of fu — sparks!” I'm a bit confused about what is happening here. Did the person/animal with the female voice notice something was off?

 

Page 4

-”what was going on?” I wonder if this can be cut.

 

Page 5

-”her home, W.” add comma or period before W. maybe.

 

Page 8

-”improve wine, but the BK wouldn’t be interested” I think the “but” should be “because” or excluded altogether. She doubted it was for wine because BK wouldn't care about that.

 

Page 9

-it took two hours for everyone to be searched?? That's a lot of peeps

 

Overall:

This was a fun chapter! I had trouble staying engaged at first and picturing what was happening but after I connected the dots, it was good! It took me a bit to realize that (in W’s POV) this was the room from the last chapter mentioned in BK’s POV. It wasn't until like half way of the second page that I realized it (with the mention of G), so maybe consider bringing that in a little earlier. Also it wasn't clear to me that this was still happening during the party where Ir is performing. Maybe add a line in W’s pov about the noise of the people/animals at the party. Unless...you did and I just missed it.

I feel like maybe there could be more tension with Ir getting searched, it seemed like it was just kinda glossed over. It was over in one sentence and after she got searched, she was still worrying. I feel like all that worry should maybe come before she gets searched, build it up more.

Ir seems to ask a lot of questions and I’m waiting for her to demand answers. I loved that she decided to help W. She decided rather quickly that she would help and that's the kind of decisiveness I’ve been wanting her to have! :)


 

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On 12/15/2020 at 1:32 AM, Sarah B said:

I would have liked a little more reaction time for Ir to process what was happening because this feels like a big turning point.

A definite problem everyone echoed.

On 12/15/2020 at 8:11 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

For most of the chapter, while the events are finally getting into motion, they don't really interact with Ir's character much (so far as I can tell). Her getting involved happens on something she blurts out without really thinking it through, and as with previous chapters in the story it feels more like stuff is happening to her than her guiding the story along.

You'll get a kick out of my revision outline. At the very top it says "MAKE IR PROACTIVE." At the very beginning of every chapter plan, it says "Ir is proactive by."

This is something that is definitely going to change. I'm not sure how yet (too busy fixing the governments at the moment), but that is a massive goal.

On 12/15/2020 at 8:11 AM, Ace of Hearts said:

A minor question: who exactly is holding the BK/W accountable if their ploy is discovered? It seemed odd to me that they would need to fear so much retribution from wine merchants.

A minor question that is a major question as of revision, as the early stakes no longer exist.

I need to fix this pronto.

On 12/16/2020 at 0:59 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

I think this is the third instance this chapter with a cut-off thought. At this point, it’s noticeable. It’s my opinion that they get less powerful with each use.

Now that you've pointed it out, it is very obvious. 

On 12/16/2020 at 7:42 PM, kais said:

this read more smoothly and had a more defined arc than I think any chapter I've yet read with I as the lead

Whoooo! I did it! Now just to really nail down this one...and repeat the process 39 more times.

On 12/17/2020 at 7:16 AM, Mandamon said:

My biggest concern with this part was what exactly TBK needed from the crystal. It sounds like all he needed was the rubbings, which makes me wonder if he could just praise G enough to get a private viewing of the crystal, then memorize what he needed. Also, W does a rubbing and takes the crystal, which seems like overkill. He could do one or the other and not take as much time. I was thinking he would leave the crystal, because then it seems like nothing was taken. Or alternately, if he had to steal the crystal to get the rubbings finished, drop it somewhere and look like the robbery was unsuccessful. I guess I don't know why G is proud of having the crystal. Is it because of the rock itself, or does he know something about the markings too? We might need some more information on this.

This is something that is still broken.

1) Charms are too complex to memorize by looking at them. This is my failure of not setting up the magic system properly.

2) I tried only having the rubbings stolen, but then it made a false hullabaloo. So this was me shrugging and going, "Well, let's see what happens if W just steals the entire thing." I think this is stronger than the original...if I set it up right. 

3) Originally the crystal was a gift from the former king who...no longer exists and has been cut out. So I have to rethink this.

4) I definitely need to set up why the BK wants the crystal before all of this, preferably through W. 

On 12/17/2020 at 7:16 AM, Mandamon said:

so iron AND silver both weaken magic? Did we know this before, or is this new?

You know, that's a really good question. It's always been there...but I may not have ever set it up. I swear that so many of my problems are because I don't communicate facts well to the reader. Like the cannibalism. 

On 12/18/2020 at 2:46 PM, Robinski said:

Confused again. So, are glamours and illusions not magic? And is their disguise physical/real then, since it requires boosting? I'm not following all the different things going on here. It's too complicated, IMO.

I think the problem here is I never set up W's magical abilities before this. Which was really stupid of me. Originally, this was their first real introduction in the entire book. 

On 12/18/2020 at 2:46 PM, Robinski said:

Architecture problem:

Thanks for catching me both on the architecture and the caulking.

On 12/19/2020 at 8:58 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I enjoyed the line about cheap wine being better than expensive wine. My favorite red wine is under $10 a bottle.

This is actually a pearl of wisdom from my mother when she used to work for a wine distribution company! Her boss used to say it all the time, which was hilarious considering the price tags on some of their bottles.

1 hour ago, karamel said:

W stuck their tongue out” I don’t know what kind of animal W is… but they could be like… a frog? Or a chameleon? 

Considering this world, a valid question. W's human, and previously has appeared as: a woman, a man, a male soldier, and an old woman. W likes to dress up.

 

THANK YOU EVERYONE! I feel like I've made good progress on this chapter. I think Ir's proactivity really strengthened this, considering the original chapter has W forcing Ir to help. Baby steps towards a stronger protagonist. 

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