12.14.20 – karamel – the murders of ravahar – Chapter 1 (V, G) (2519)

[karamel]

New story while I figure the other one out This is a very very rough draft. 2519 words.

Historical fiction about *murder*

Spoiler

 

[Sarah B]

It's refreshing to read something not sf/f, I'm glad you decided to sub this.

The tone and language read consistently for me. I got a strong Renaissance vibe from the language and architecture, but I am not a history buff. The title of emporor is throwing me off of most locations that leap to mind, but perhaps this is set in the Ottoman empire? Just a wild guess there, my ignorance of world history has come back to haunt me I'm afraid :-) 

As I read:

"While the body burned" up until this line, I thought the King was being executed here. Not sure why.

Caravan: I had to do a little research on this one. In historical fiction, I would read this word as a group of people traveling together, rather than a vehicle of any kind. After a little digging though I came across caravan as a horse drawn vehicle starting in the 19th century. So, depending on your time frame this may be fine. 

Also, is this an alternate history, or our history? I don't recognize the names, but that means very little given my allergy to history books. 

"Rather anxiety inducing" a little wordy

"Hoping he would keep me in service as long as he wished." I had a couple issues with this line. It seems like an odd thing to hope for; why would the POV not be in the emporor's service as long as the emporor wished? Or is the POV the 'he'? The tone put me off of the POV for being so incredibly subservient to someone they have apparently only recently met. Maybe there's a good reason they feel that way, but it sounds a bit fawning for someone's personal thoughts. 

There's some interesting things happening in the narration. By giving the POV virtually no self descriptions, it feels like you're pulling the reader into their shoes. It's a fun effect, similar to the short stories I've read in second person. The moment where the POV gets a name is a little jarring only because it's the first concrete fact we get about them, except for being a foreign servant to the emperor. 

I liked the atmosphere you set here and the amount of background you managed to sneak in without feeling like an info dump.

Thanks for sharing!

[Turin Turambar]

Hello,

I haven't had the time to do any critiquing since sometime in August, so I may be rusty (I'm doing this one because I haven't even been able to read most of the submissions, and I don't want to come in the middle of something because then I'll be missing stuff). 

From memory: The time and location weren't clear, but that could be just because I'm not a history buff. I'd be curious to know the break point from when this separates from our history, but I'm assuming you'll mention that in a future chapter. I got Asian vibes when I started, but then I remembered a handful of European countries had Emperors. The hook was good - it was a relatively short chapter and I'm already pulled into the plot of what's going on which tends to be a bit of a problem for me with my own writing. One thing that slightly bugged me was I didn't know the name of the MC. Which is fine, just a tad annoying because I kept on referring to her in my head, and there was a blank.

I disliked the emperor from the beginning, coming off as an insensitive man-child thing, especially with his creepy interaction with H. I'm almost glad he died, so barring other ramifications - assassin starts killing other people or power crisis - as long as there's a satisfying conclusion I'm good. As for H herself though, I don't feel like I got to know her as a person. I understand her motivations, but that's only a small part of her. 

Good writing!  

[Mandamon]

I quite liked this!

As for time period/location, I also got an Asian vibe, maybe India or Japan? Mostly from the title of Emperor and some of the customs.

I was all for the MC and the Emperor having a fling, but I guess that's not happening... I don't think we even found out the gender of the MC either, unless H is a gendered name. Not that it matters a whole lot.

The only thing I was a little confused on was that no one wondered why a building collapsed. My first thought was foul play of some sort, which turned out later to be true.

But overall, definitely engaged in the story and I'm eager to find out what happens next!

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "snuggly" -> "snugly"
--unless they're doing more than just sitting there....
--edit: which, reading the rest of the scene...

pg 3: "looked like he was stifling a laugh"
--not sure this fits in the scene? The emperor is disappointed and the commander should be upset with his charges for acting wrongly, shouldn't he?

pg 6: "It was a gloomy day indeed."
--was there a reason for the collapse? I thought someone was attacking at first, but everyone seems to go about their business as if collapsing buildings are the norm.

pg 8: "From the roof that unexpectedly fell on him.” 
--Ah, so I guess it was an attack, and just failed until someone else finished him off...
 

[ginger_reckoning]

Overall, I liked this sub a lot. Mostly because I love Indian/Hindi culture and history, and I got strong vibes of that from this sub. (more on that down below) I think the tone was somber, similar to your last sub. If there was one thing I wanted more of, it would be more information on the narrator. WHo are they? What is their relationship to the emperor? What is their gender? How old are they? Also, I think a little bit more environmental detail would be good, to ground it down a little more. But overall, I really liked this, and I am intrigued to see what happened to the emperor, and what all this secret stuff is about. 

Alright, I am opening the document now! Ready for a nice bit of historical fiction

Pg 1 “zenith” I have nothing wrong with this word, but it does imply a certain tone for the work. Just something to be aware of I guess

“November” okay, so wherever this is, it uses a roman calendar.

Oooh, first person. I don’t think I’ve critiqued a first-person sub yet.

“Rav” Ok, so this makes me think India. Which makes me happy because Indian history and Hinduism are my absolute favorite : ) 

“fine, tartan” I don’t think there needs to be a comma right here. I think “fine tartan suit” works

“Commander G” yep, this cements the Hindi vibes for me. But I’m not sure if others will pick up on this

“reincarnation” Yep yep. This is a good detail to include, because I feel like this is where most people will figure it out.

“constant storm of waves” I’m a little confused about what this is trying to say

This interaction in the caravan makes me hope that the narrator is around the same age as the emperor, as it would be a little creepy if they were older, as I assumed at first.

Pg 2 good charactreiszation for the emperor

Pg 3 “snake slithered” this wording doesn’t seem all that threatening to me.

“steel at his waist;” I’m not sure if this is the correct use of a semicolon. Robinski will probably know more about it lol. I only point it out because I always misuse them

“the snake; his eyes fixated” ok, this one you can definitely just use a comma

“I daresay” it sounds pretty dead to me

Pg 4 so I just realized that we don’t know the gender or name of the narrator. My monkey brain was assuming male, but I guess it is probably female (though my bi brain is still hoping that it is)

“rather anxiety inducing” this wording is awkward to me

“for as long as he wished” I get the sentiment, but also if he immediately fired the narrator it would be for as long as he wished.

Pg 5 “loomed into view;” another instance of an incorrect use of ;

Pg 6 “minorly hit” weird wording to me

“you will not say so” I’m getting the feeling that he would say so anyway. That’s just his character.

“pounded on the door until her hands” 0.0

Pg 7 I’m a little confused what’s going on here

Also I looked up the name H and the webs say that it is a unisex name leaning feminine. So it doesn’t really answer my question from before 

Why is husband capitalized?

Oh no he’s dead! Murdered? What does his mom have to do with it? This is a very good hook imo

[karamel]

Thank you for reading and critiquing!

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Caravan: I had to do a little research on this one. In historical fiction, I would read this word as a group of people traveling together, rather than a vehicle of any kind. After a little digging though I came across caravan as a horse drawn vehicle starting in the 19th century. So, depending on your time frame this may be fine. 

This is 19th century! And I forgot to look up the caravan thing, so thank you for checking that out. I'm relieved that it matches!

6 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Also, is this an alternate history, or our history? I don't recognize the names, but that means very little given my allergy to history books.

This is our history. The POV is not a real person but most of the others were based off real people. I haven't yet decided how much I'll stray after this.

[Robinski]

Comments. I know you said you have not edited properly but, if it's fit for me to read, it's fit for me to comment on  

14 hours ago, karamel said:

Historical fiction about *murder*

  Probably still one of my top ten movies of all time. The epitome of cornetto art.

(page 1)

- What a great first line. I am on board for the first page at least. I would not capitalise 'emperor' personally, because they are not named, so it's just some emperor.

- Solid opening paragraph. I've got a snippet of character, enough to draw me onwards.

- Again, I don't see any purpose in capitalising emperor, or emperors. The plural applies to many emperors, not any specific one.

- "to the caravan" - I have an issue with the word 'caravan'. It's expressed as fitting four of them rather snuggly, but a caravan is not, historically, a single vehicle, but a line of several vehicles. This then makes me think off...

Spoiler

(page 2)

- "When we arrived at the river, the wind had picked up" - Although there is not specific description of place, I can form a working image, and not having specifics puts the focus on the characters. No bad thing in this case.

- "a lowly servant" - No, I don't buy this. Surely a lowly servant would not ride in the carriage with the emperor, certainly would not have the gall to speak to the emperor, to offer an opinion, a personal observation?! I had assumed this POV character was some sort of advisor, or captain of the imperial bodyguard.

- "as if it was still day one" - This is not a historical phrase. I'd say this was a modern phrase.

- "I wanted to tell them" - Who is 'them' in this context? Oh, is it the foreigners? Why would foreigners be present in this situation?

(page 3)

- ""Watch out, your Highness!” The man accompanying him yelled." - I've noticed a couple of incomplete sentences. Clearly, the underlined section is the dialogue tag that belongs to the previous sentence, and 'the' should to be capitalised.

- "caught in the wrong path" - How is the snake caught in the wrong path? I'm sure it thinks that the man is in the wrong path, and it is just going about its snaky business. It was here first, after all.

- "sliced the snake in two. It flailed on the rocks and violently slithered away, leaving behind a bloody trail" - If he slices the snake in two, it is not going to slither away. It is going to be dead.

- "to begin our way" - being making our way, or being our trip, or make our way, but I've never heard 'begin our way', for good reason, I think.

- "dark and alluring" - The attraction of the servant for the master is clear enough, but this here is very telling. You don't nee do tell us the servant finds him alluring, that point is well made. This is heavy-handed. I'd pick another adjective: 'intensely dark', something that shows the servant notices the qualities of the eyes, without robbing the reader of the satisfaction in decoding the emotion.

(page 4)

- "from one uncomfortable to another" - What? Missing word, surely. One uncomfortable...what?

- "Perhaps I didn’t need to" - Surely a servant knows when it is their place to speak, and this is most certainly not. I'm not convinced by the relationship, the huge presumption of the servant.

- "rather anxiety inducing" - Modern phraseology. Either this servant has benefited from a considerable education (which seems unlikely) or this is out of place.

- "revolt against any that dared challenge his authority" - An act of revolt is made against authority, not against someone who challenges authority. 

- "hope that he would keep me in his service for as long as he wished" - This does not ring right to me. If the emperor only wished this servant to serve another 5 minutes, that surely would not fulfil the servant's desire. Surely, he(?) hopes to stay in the emperor's service for as long as possible.

- "Once you got through the first set of gates" - Tone: this is too much like Rough Guide to Rav, too conversational, and casual, IMO. Suggest deleting 'you got' to restore the tone of detached formality.

- "It was a dim evening" - I don't know what this means. Every evening is a dim evening, at that point when they sun goes down, some time between then and it getting, well, dark. Also, which evening it is doesn't change depending when the caravan arrives, it's still the same evening either way, just later or earlier, depending on...things.

- "the man who cut the snake" - So, is he a guard, a councillor? I would not expect a servant to know the man's name, necessarily, but my impression is he's a part of the court, so would he not be known to all around?

(page 5)

- "that rich raw umber leading into another world" - Description to date, meaningful description that would be sufficient to draw a rich tapestry for the reader to imagine, has basically been non-existent. That's okay, but this line here seems out of place, and a little half-hearted in trying to offer any richness in the setting. The set-up is kind of epic, but it reads like an outline of an epic (fantasy, but not) story, which later would be filled in with rich detail of the oaken doors, stained by the sun of five thousand summers, blasted by the rain of five thousand winter, the grain still bearing the slashes of swords and blows of axes from the rebellion of 542, yada-yada.

- "Merely a few strides away more and we would be in that familiar garden" - Wrong phrasing for the context. Sorry, I'm harping on about line details, but if a sub has line issues, they are fair game, IMO  (This could of course be 'merely a few strides away...from that familiar garden'

- "A thunderous murmur resounded in the air" - I'd say thunder, traditionally, is a loud noise, a la 'thunderous roar'. This phrasing seems incongruous to me'.

- "I felt the guard next to me grab my arm as he ran towards A" - Overwritten: 'The guard next to me grabbed my arm and dragged me towards A'. There no need to tell us a character feels something. We're in their POV. Everything that happens is something they feel or notice or hear or think.

- "made up the roof of the gates" - I don't think gates have roofs. A stone arch maybe.

(page 6)

- "He had been minorly hit by the wreckage" - Not a word, not a proper word. If trying to evoke a historical piece, using modern parlance, and slang colloquialisms like this is going to be counterproductive. Classical, formal and correct language is the best way to evoke a historical setting, IMO.

- I mean, there was lots about the previous paragraph made my teeth grate, the result of which is that it feels very uneven in terms of whether the risk is over, or still current.

- "sooner than expected" - Sooner than who expected? And what relevance does this have to the situation? Cut.

- "They carried him around the wreckage and deep within the fort to a room where a medical examiner could look over his injuries" - POV issue. How does the servant know this? The servant is not there once the emperor is out of sight.

- "I was still on the floor sitting with my own shock" - Floor = inside, ground = outside.

- "I was sorry for the unfortunate guard that lay on the cold ground; but I was thankful that His Highness had survived" - Very telling, and kind of bland.

- "The guard that saved me" - I didn't get any sense of this. The description said that the guard dragged the servant towards Aj. I presumed that he was dragging them towards the emperor to help him, dragging the servant into the fray to make themselves useful.

- "until her hands were bloody" - I don't believe this.

- "handing his power over to the rulers in the west" - What rulers in the west? First we've heard of them. Are they related? Foreign interlopers? IMO, emperors do not just hand over power to a neighbour.

(page 7)

- "where the line was with loyalty" - I don't understand this. Who's loyalty to whom? What kind of line?

- "“H,” she said" - I had assumed from the start that the servant was male.

(page 8)

- The ending is tense, a tad predictable, but no worse for that because--seeing it coming--there is still an element in the reader (I think) saying 'Oh, dear, there's been foul play here, this is bad.' And then it pays off, and I must admit I'm keen to know what happens next. 

Overall 

There are some moments of character, of people feeling things, that I enjoyed: the discomfort of the servant with the emperor's touches; the guard saving the servant (although I don't think it was clear that is what happened) and both their hands shaking. But, I really didn't care much about the situation. One emperor, another emperor: what's the different? The closest I came was at the end, with the almost tender moment between the dowager and the servant (who I assume was male for most of the sub).

It has the trappings of an epic story, a political drama about the fate of nations, but the chapter itself feels small in scope, very personal, but lacking any detail about the world which is hanging in the balance. I appreciator that, in a maid's POV, such large details might not come into play, but surely when talking about western neighbour taking power, or foreigners in the court, she would think in terms of the names of these countries, and what relations were like between them and her own country?

I can understand why we're in the servant's POV, to be a surviving witness, and able to go unnoticed, which can be very effective. My concern is how the servant plausibly can effect events in this story when she is less than nothing to anyone around her (effectively).

I can see that this has potential, but it suffers from what 90% of submissions do, I think: insufficient stakes. Clearly there is an empire at stake, but I'm talking about personal stakes. What does the maid have at stake here? I can see no reason that she would not just be packed off home to her family, or possibly disposed of as witness.

Your questions: 

(1) how engaged you are with the story: - I think I've covered this, but sort of engaged? A bit. My problem is if there are empires at stake, I need to feel like that. This has a kind of stage play quality, where the scenery is made of cardboard. It doesn't feel substantial to me;

(2) if you would read on: - I would, mostly because of the final scene with the dowager. If not for that, probably not;

(3) I am also curious to know what time period you think this is: - Could be almost anything. Okay, there was a sword; people travel in carriages; a stone arch over a gate; a palanquin. There isn't much to go on really, but the palanquin (from a quick Wiki search) seems to be in use from the 1500s (Henry VIII) through to the early 1800s. Short answer? I don't know;

(4) "i do want to go back and be more detailed in my world-building descriptions": Please don't take this as a criticism of you, it's not intended as that, but this point offers the chance to raise a more general issue that has been pertinent recently in the group. 

If someone submits a piece that is not greatly developed beyond say first draft, or even outline draft, it's difficult to give a fair impression of how involving the story is, and it's difficult to become attached to a story, involved with the story, that is missing a component that is central to what makes a story enjoyable, involving and satisfying.

I guess what I'm saying is that I would have enjoyed this a lot more, and been more receptive to it if it had had those world-building descriptions that are conspicuous by their absence. I hope you don't take that as harsh, it's not meant to be. But these details support the story and the characters, and I'm not sure I can give something a fair shake if it's only a sketch of what it could be.

Want anything at the shop?

[karamel]

Thank you all for reading

On 12/14/2020 at 9:09 AM, Turin Turambar said:

One thing that slightly bugged me was I didn't know the name of the MC. Which is fine, just a tad annoying because I kept on referring to her in my head, and there was a blank.

 

23 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I was all for the MC and the Emperor having a fling, but I guess that's not happening... I don't think we even found out the gender of the MC either, unless H is a gendered name. Not that it matters a whole lot.

 

22 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

Pg 4 so I just realized that we don’t know the gender or name of the narrator. My monkey brain was assuming male, but I guess it is probably female (though my bi brain is still hoping that it is)
Also I looked up the name H and the webs say that it is a unisex name leaning feminine. So it doesn’t really answer my question from before

I thought this was very interesting! I intentionally didn't mention the gender yet because, tbh, I havent decided. Though, I originally wrote this with the intention of H being male.

23 hours ago, Mandamon said:

As for time period/location, I also got an Asian vibe, maybe India or Japan? Mostly from the title of Emperor and some of the customs.

 

22 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

Overall, I liked this sub a lot. Mostly because I love Indian/Hindi culture and history, and I got strong vibes of that from this sub.

“Rav” Ok, so this makes me think India. Which makes me happy because Indian history and Hinduism are my absolute favorite : )

Yep! India was what I was going for! I want to go back and tighten up the details of course (for one, I said November was a cold month when that isn't exactly true for this location... but maybe we can say this predates the effects of global warming...tho that's probably pushing it.) but, yeah.

[karamel]

17 hours ago, Robinski said:

  Probably still one of my top ten movies of all time. The epitome of cornetto art.

Yes! It's such a great movie!

17 hours ago, Robinski said:

If someone submits a piece that is not greatly developed beyond say first draft, or even outline draft, it's difficult to give a fair impression of how involving the story is, and it's difficult to become attached to a story, involved with the story, that is missing a component that is central to what makes a story enjoyable, involving and satisfying.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that I would have enjoyed this a lot more, and been more receptive to it if it had had those world-building descriptions that are conspicuous by their absence. I hope you don't take that as harsh, it's not meant to be. But these details support the story and the characters, and I'm not sure I can give something a fair shake if it's only a sketch of what it could be.

Yes, I completely agree! I think I just got too excited with this story because I've been thinking about it for a while. So, that is my bad for being too eager.

17 hours ago, Robinski said:

Want anything at the shop?

You've just been to the shop

[Robinski]

1 minute ago, karamel said:

You've just been to the shop

Thinking of a different shop...

[karamel]

6 minutes ago, Robinski said:

Thinking of a different shop...

I've ruined the joke. I should've said.... Cornetto.

But I was thinking of this scene.

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/8d868db6-e488-4c0e-9339-0481ee6dda0e

Edited December 15, 2020 by karamel

[karamel]

17 hours ago, Robinski said:

Want anything at the shop?

Cornetto.

Spoiler

 

[Robinski]

Nah, any line's a good line. Nothing ruined at all  

[kais]

Overall

I enjoyed this a lot! Good pacing, though the blocking was a bit wonky sometimes. Great hooks, and I'd be happy to read more. I think I need a bit more worldbuilding/character building, especially in regards to our MC/narrator. But for a first draft this was a delight. Well done!

Time period and setting--unsure. Hindi maybe but I feel like if so, there's a lot of flavor missing that would really set the stage for it. I think this is more just the thin worldbuilding than anything, and that can easily be rectified in later drafts.

 

As I go

- well that is a strong starting line! I'd say ditch 'previous' since it kind of implies, through the fire setting, that said emperor is no longer in charge

- pg 2: enjoying this! However I think by the end of that first interlude I'd like a bit more about our narrator, if only their relationship to the emperor

- pg 2: I wanted to tell them <-- tell them what??

- pg 5: the blocking on this page confuses me. I'm not sure who is being attached and who is doing the attacking

- pg 6: unclear what happened. Was there an attack? Earthquake?

- pg 6: ooh a roof gate. This needs to come earlier

- oooh nice ending!

[Ace of Hearts]

I think the plot/ basic sequence of events here is really strong. A creative writing professor I had once talked about the "rule of threes," where an escalation generally happens over three steps with each one being more serious. I think this is done quite well here with the snake, the collapsed building, and the eventual death. It's enough that the death feels properly foreshadowed without it being too much. 

My main questions at this point are what this means for the story. So far the MC's focus has been on the young emperor as a person with the tender awkward romantic feelings (that's how I interpreted it but I'm also aro so I could totally be misreading it), and because of that the emperor's death feels like it deflates the tension for me since I was reading this to see how H interacted with the emperor. I think the story is trying to kick off an inciting incident with the emperor's death but I don't really know what it's inciting. I think we need a bit more character motivation and backstory from H here that helps frame the events of a story in a way that lets us focus on the important dynamics. Unless the focus is on how the setting develops rather than this individual character, in which case we need more of the political context and implications. Basically, I want to know what this all means for H so it feels like the story's kicking something off rather than erasing the buildup of the interpersonal relationship between the two major characters here. 

Best of luck going forward with this story!  

[Snakenaps]

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, "they set fire to the previous Emperor" Starting with a burning at the stake, are we?

Pg 1, "his pyre" I was wrong.

Pg 1, "the dreary purpose" I would not generally think of funerals as "dreary." It almost makes it feel like this pyre is more of a chore than anything.

Pg 1, "it was not my place" Hmm, so the MC is important enough to stand right next to him but not close enough to be a confidant. I'm getting the feeling that the MC is older than the Emperor.

Pg 1, "caravan" A caravan is traditionally a line of wagons. I sincerely doubt they are climbing into a travel trailer. If you want help figuring out exactly what kind of carriage you are looking for, hit me up. I am Horse Friend, and therefore knowledgeable in all accessories.

Pg 1, " feel a constant storm of waves" Hmmm, adoration or fear?

Pg 1, "woefully handsome" Adoration then.

Pg 2, “What is gloomy about it?” Somebody doesn't miss Dad much. No wonder he seems bored.

Pg 2, " he was smiling softly" I'm dying for some info on our protagonist. Gender? Age? Name? Just a drop of their title will be a wealth of information. They appear to be an attendant?

Pg 2, " The trees swayed above us" This is the perfect time to start tell us the setting. At the trees oak? Pine? Palm? This is historical fiction, but there have been many Emperors over many countries. Reincarnation and pyres makes me lean more Asian, since there isn't a mention of Christianity. Unless this is pre-Christianity. But November makes me think European...

Pg 2, "I was still a foreigner, unfit to serve the Emperor." Confusion. They appear to be serving the Emperor now, from a close position.

Pg 3, "my country" With historical fiction, it might be handy to drop some country names. 

Pg 3, "you must cut off its head" It'll still die, just...very slowly. But I'll overlook this. Again, hint at setting with what type of snake this is. Is it a cobra? Or something else?

Pg 4, "He was unfit to rule and unfit to be a father" Tell me how you really feel.

Pg 4, "as long as he wished" I get the feeling this is definitely adoration and lust, and A is actually a humongous jerk. But I may be wrong.

Pg 4, "the magnificent citadel of R" As with my habit with historical fiction when I can't get a grasp of the setting...I Googled this. Not a lick. Are you sure you are writing historical fiction and not just fiction-fiction? Historical fiction means a fictitious story set in the past on Earth. For example, any of Sarah Dunant's works, A Thousand White Women by Jim Fergus, and Nefertiti by Michelle Moran.

Pg 5, " the roof of the gates" Confusion. Gates have roofs?

Pg 5, "It all seemed to happen so slowly." There's got to be a way to twist text so your words make things feel like they are happening slowly without having to say so. Unfortunately, I'm not experienced enough to know these tricks. I should learn, though.

Pg 7,  “H,” she said." We have a name! Still no gender, which is definitely not something to assume with this writing group. 

Pg 8, "From the roof" The roof from the gates???? Confusion. 

 

Overall:

I personally like a quiet protagonist that is shoved into insanity. Reminds me of Kemet in Thick of Thieves by Megan Whalen Turner (highly recommend The Queen's Thief series). I like a character who is thrown out of their depth. You've definitely got the start of something here. I think giving more details so the reader can build an image up in their mind will make a huge difference. I don't know the gender of H, or what country I'm in, so my brain essentially flips through tv channels, trying on different settings and character designs. 

[shatteredsmooth]

I am typing on my phone, so I apologize if there are typos or weird autocorrect. 
 

The dialogue had 18th or 19th century vibes to me. Maybe more 19th. The caravan threw me off at first but after skimming through the comments I understood it. 
 

setting? Somewhere in asia? 
 

I am interested and would read more though I do wonder if the opening could be trimmed. I wasn’t sure where it was going and kept expecting a historical romance with the emperor , but I think he is dead...or people are pretending he is dead? If he is dead, can it come sooner?

 

otherwise, I thought you created an interesting mc, and am now guessing he? She? They? Will have to solve the murder.

a little more description might be good but that will be easy enough to add in edits. 
 

I’m looking forward to reading more!

[Silk]

Hey @karamel, I'm trying to catch up on subs and was going to give this one a read. But before I do, I thought I'd ask if you have a revised version you'd rather I read instead?

[karamel]

1 hour ago, Silk said:

Hey @karamel, I'm trying to catch up on subs and was going to give this one a read. But before I do, I thought I'd ask if you have a revised version you'd rather I read instead?

I did do some edits on it but there are still things i want to rewrite and clear up. I can send you a google doc (shared with a link that doesn't require you to have a gmail) with comments on what I want to change if you are okay with that!

[Silk]

27 minutes ago, karamel said:

I did do some edits on it but there are still things i want to rewrite and clear up. I can send you a google doc (shared with a link that doesn't require you to have a gmail) with comments on what I want to change if you are okay with that!

Sounds good! Shoot me a DM with the link when you have a chance and I'll give it a read