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12,7,2020 - Snakenaps - Name of the King D3 (Chapters 30/31) (5,144 words total)

10 posts in this topic

Thank you all ahead of time because I'm bad at showing my gratitude but I really love you guys. 

I am a trifle over 5,000 words. Sorry :/


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I enjoyed the first five pages a lot, but then thought it took too long to get to the plot movement. These two chapters suffer again from the 'TBK advances the plot, I watches the plot go by' issue we've had in other chapters. I'd like to see her do more, or actually be pivotal to the plot.

I was mostly upset about TBK turning into a mustache-twirling villain, instead of the sort of more lawful good he's been trending. It was very sudden and I don't know if its due to edits or something else. I think I prefer lawful good (which can be quite cruel!) over chaotic evil.


As I go

- I'd rearrange that first sentence so the action of the door knocking is first. It would make it more dynamic.

- lot of groaning in that second paragraph

- pg 3: This is all excellent emotion through here. I'm well hooked

- pg 3: Okay you say species interbreeding isn't a thing but EXPLAIN THE MINOTAUR THEN

- pg 5: I enjoy the sense of wonder, but am now ready to rejoin the plot

- pg 7: okay, starting to skim. I enjoyed the mood and scenery for the first five pages but now I need plot advancement

- pg 9: okay we have some romance plot movement but in order to hold me I need the main plot to me moving forward, too. I think often with these chapters you are just advancing one thing or another. But to be really dynamic you could advance both the main plot and any given sub plot, to always keep your readers invested

- pg 10: how old are these two? Talking about kissing on the lips like they're in middle school here

- chapter 30 did not have an arc and did not appear to advance any of the plot lines significantly

- pg 12: how you portray TBK here just makes me continue to think he's a relatively decent guy who has a bad rap

- the interlude that ends on page 14 could be cut down to just a sentence or two, easily

- pg 15: Ah! The plot!

- pg 16: once again, TBK advances the plot where I just experiences it

- missing a 'z' on quartz on page 17

- pg 17: if it's under a tile, why does TBK think there would be a lock? No lock has been mentioned. Why do we need a key?

- pg 18: this is a very sudden and abnormally evil turn for TBK. It seems very out of character and I dislike it. It clashes with my view of him from the rest of the book. I don't feel like the narrative built to this



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New settings! I liked the consideration you put into how the different kinds of people would travel.

A few nit picky things:

"Her bleary eyes were echoed (mirrored?) In her brothers in the darkness." How does she see them in the dark?

"The valley didn't appear right.." this sentence seemed a bit tangled.

"Her feet ached" until this point, I assumed she had been riding. Not a problem but it took some mental readjusting. 

Jerky: not sure how far you want to go with this, but the term 'Jerky' for dried meat is derived from an Incan (Quchewa) term, adopted in 1850 into English (so says google). I think from what you said about timeline the year isn't a problem, but the geography might be. 

"His black coat was covered in lightly with dust." Small problem here.

"Children ran between the wagons." I suppose its different with sentient animals, but people were maimed and killed by wagons pretty regularly back in the day. Reading this made me think of someone getting trampled, butnmaybe they were moving slowly enough that it was fine?

"How much she had ben (been) missing, cooped up inside a single city."

While describing the messenger birds, the POV feels like it wavers away from IR. 

TBK vs Az: either works for me, although only calling him TBK for most of the book does draw more attention to your title and Ir's ability in my opinion. 

Really interested to see how everything comes together!

Thanks for sharing

Edited by Sarah B

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My overall reaction to this is that you have some gorgeous imagery and feelings but very little actually happens. 

As I read:

"Her bleary eyes were echoed in..."Last night I read this line twice and didn't get it. Re-reading it now, it makes sense. 

"Too much, too soon" I'm wondering if starting somewhere close to here would be a better opening point for the chapter. 

"How she loved them." So far, good emotion. 

For a good stretch, the arrival and the first part of the journey, J was hardly mentioned or thought of. It was like he was almost non-existent. Seeing I thinking about intentionally avoiding him would've added tension, but at least from what I remember reading, it didn't really seem like that was the case. 

"J... was the same, all lazy smiles." Finally! But it also seems like a passing mention. It wasn't as tense or awkward as it could've been. I didn't expect him to be awkward, but I was expecting more awkwardness from her. 

Also, this is just a random thought that's been stewing, but how old is he? You have mentioned it already, but I can't remember. I get the impression there is a bit of an age gap though. Part of it may be that their life experiences are so vastly different. She is innocent and sheltered and close with her family. He's been through a lot.

"The horses, mules, unicorns and bovines finished their meals and were hooked back up to the wagon." Are the mundane or civilized ones pulling the wagons? This is one place where capitalization could clarify things. 

"Irene spent the hours walking with J..." not the awkwardness I expected of her and a bit anti climatic. 

"small bronze hair pin" For some reason I am suspicious of the puzzle and hair pin. Is there some rebel code in the puzzle? Is the hairpin going to be used in some future escape? 

"Morning turned the world gold..." An example of one of my many gorgeous lines you have in this chapter. 

"The antsy, lack of pattern echoed her own feeling" Now we are getting somewhere. This line carried a lot of weight and the kind of feelings I felt were missing up until now. 

"Um, you know how I...'" I completely misread this line the first time through (100% my own fault, not yours ) and thought she asked him if he had realized she kissed him and started laughing out loud before realizing that was not actually what she said. 

"There's no place that this..." This felt like it was out of nowhere. I think she maybe thought stuff like this at some point in the story, but in this chapter, no thought like this has crossed her mind (unless I missed it which is entirely possible). 

J is very quick to try to convince her otherwise, and she agrees pretty easily. 

I liked the next kiss, and L's eventual interruption. 

However, this was the last and biggest thing in the chapter, and there really wasn't much buildup. It felt like most of it was  I just getting swept up in everything that was happening around here without really doing anything herself. 

At first, the next chapter felt very similar to the last one, only without the little bit of tension the acknowledgment of feelings scene brought. I didn't really make line by line notes. There were a lot of beautiful descriptions but I just kept waiting for I do to something or take some kind of action and not much happened. 

Then we switch to M and A/BK. 

I liked you referring to him as A in his own POV. Something about that felt more natural and made him feel more real somehow. 

I didn't get as strong a sense of his emotion in this part than I have other times you used his POV. Can you work a little more reaction and motive? Why does he want this thing he is going after? I want to know from his POV, what justifies the kind of mind control magic he is using? 

Also, I'm assuming this is the real reason he needs I's power? Yes, other magic is better with names, but his mind control stuff is more potent? Could he do it without the name? I'm thinking no, but I'm not sure. 

Can you give I a more specific goal to work towards through this journey? Can you spread out the tension with J? Can we get a little deeper into A/BK's head? 


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Overall: The highlight of the sub was the BK/Az section for me. I really wish we could spend more time in his plots and things actually, because he seems to jsut be a lot more in control and know more things. That being said, I thought the change of setting was a good move, as it helps to freshen things up. I'm also glad that Ir is finally hooking up with J. Excited to see where that goes. But again, everything that Ir does seems to just lead up to Az's plots, and tht whole thing is the main point of this sub. It is almost like Ir is less of a main character in this part than Az is, imo. 

the second highlight for me was Ir and J's scene. Awkward, but believable and relatable. However, it didn't feel like there was much buildup. I'd love to see Ir dreading more, and just overall have more tension between Ir and J befrore they confess their love to each other. 

 the imagery was great thorughout, as always. 


Alright, time for the roadtrip! Opening the document now

Pg 1. This first sentence is a little run-on

“the thought of J…” heh. Poor Ir.

Ok, I’m not sure, but I think it might be better to do “–much too soon—” than “,much too soon,” since it is more of an interjection than a clause

“deep mulberry” coming in clutch with the great color descriptions again

Pg 2 “if she can let go of her ego” idk this dialogue sounds a bit old for a teenager to me

I think “I love you” should be in quotations

Pg 3 by this point, I think this scene is dragging

“badger th” ok, so this is something I’ve been wondering for a while…did like,,,,,the badger,,,,,get really drunk one time and just let loose,,,,,,or something?

Pg 4. I find it a little hard to believe that she’s never left the city. I guess she never had a reason to, but I still think she would at least visit a nearby town or something at some point.

I’m enjoying the new settings

Pg 5 Talk to him!!! Just friggin talk to him!!! (I think this is mainly frustrating to me because it reminds me of myself tho)

“elegance and confidence” and his magic aura, too, right?

Pg 6 “tears coming to her eyes…” she’s only been gone for like, two days??? it's in character, but all this mushiness about leaving is getting to be a bit much

Pg 8 ah, they are delightfully awkward little couple.

“Oh” oh indeed.

“I’m not sorry” NICE

Pg 9

“she standing shocked,” she stood shocked?

Btw, I hope you know that this is how I imagined M during this scene:



Pg 11 “how much had she ben missing” been missing

“which one was the true” that is the question, isn’t it?

“plastered smiles” Small detail, but I thought this town was actually excited to see them?

I think use Az instead of BK is interesting. It implies that he still sees himself as being Az, despite the years of being BK. However, it does undermine Ir’s ability to see people’s given name rather than the name they most relate with, in my opinion. Though maybe that is what you are trying to move towards?

Pg 15 “muscle definition” sounds a bit modern to me

I’m liking this Az section so far

Hey! He used the hypnosis again! I’m glad this is coming up again

Ah, the mysterious crystal

Pg 17 “charmed, I’m sure.” Heh

I really liked this Az section, actually. I wish we could see more of him, because we just see so much more political stuff going on and more plot stuff in general. He is very much in control, and he knows what is going on.

Edited by ginger_reckoning

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1 hour ago, ginger_reckoning said:

all this mushiness about leaving is getting to be a bit much

I haven't enough time to comment on everyone and anything but I laughed my rump off at this. 

Dude, I cut half of the mushiness that originally existed. You would not believe the sappy crap I came up with. There was an entire scene of Ir crying in a tent trying to make sure M didn't wake up and see. I feel so bad that I actually made people read that...Another trim will definitely do this good.

Also...that dog. Beautiful. Stunning. Gorgeous. You always know how to make me laugh. If I ever illustrate that scene, I am absolutely using that photo for reference. 

Thank you to everyone who has so far commented. Love you dudes.@ginger_reckoning @kais @Sarah B @shatteredsmooth

Edited by Snakenaps
I got tagging to work.

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Well, I generally agree with everyone else so far. The first section goes on too long, the romance is good, and then Ir is once again pushed aside because TBK is the only one who actually moves the plot forward.

On 12/7/2020 at 11:29 PM, kais said:

- pg 18: this is a very sudden and abnormally evil turn for TBK. It seems very out of character and I dislike it. It clashes with my view of him from the rest of the book. I don't feel like the narrative built to this

Agree. On the one hand it's good to finally know why he needs the names, but I think the lack of any information about what this crystal is aside from "he wants it" turns this into TBK stealing something and being evil, rather than "rescuing" a powerful object from a corrupt merchant (which I'm assuming is your actual intent). Showing off these powers in more detail earlier would help, as would a little more information on what exactly TBK is doing.

17 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Also, I'm assuming this is the real reason he needs I's power? Yes, other magic is better with names, but his mind control stuff is more potent? Could he do it without the name? I'm thinking no, but I'm not sure. 

Can you give I a more specific goal to work towards through this journey? Can you spread out the tension with J? Can we get a little deeper into A/BK's head? 

All this. I wonder if Ir. could be drawn into this scheming earlier on so the reader sees it, or if we could have some more TBK POV, though he tends to take over because Ir is farily reactionary.


Notes while reading:

Pg 2/3: The goodbyes are maybe going on a *bit* too long...

pg 3: "It was way too early in the morning for the bovine."
--even to say goodbye to her assistant? Or is she coming too?

pg 4: Yeah, I'd say maybe cutting the goodbyes to one page or less would make this move along a lot faster.

pg 5: "often saw her trotting at the edge of the road, nose and ears twitching endlessly."
--there are a bunch of little tags in the section that keep making me think this is going to hook into a larger plot point, but it's all description.

pg 6: the gifts from her family are nice, but I feel like this whole thing is dragging along. I get that Ir hasn't left her hometown before, but I feel like readers who are very used to driving between towns or going on a long trip are going to get bored quickly.

pg 8: ok, finally getting to the meat of this chapter!

pg 10: The last two pages are great, and a welcome development. I think the first eight can be cut down by half or more to get to the main point faster.

pg 11: "It was like he was two separate creatures: a bloodthirsty warlord, and a noble, just king"
--except we still haven't seen any hint of the warlord. We've just been told that he is.

pg 12: "They had been on the road for five weeks"
--still not sure what I think about skipping over half the tour, which has been talked about for the whole book. especially with the developments between Ir. and J, I want to know what Ir is doing. Is she spying for the B.K.? Are they playing at each town? Has she found any spies? I feel like there are things happening with the destroyed towers and things, but the B.K. isn't using Ir...

pg 12: "and would play for hours"
--ah, here it is. Except we still don't know the results of any of this. Does she have an objective, or is she just learning everyone's names?

pg 13: "adding last minute touches before the guests began to arrive."
--I get this is the Important Thing, but I feel certain there would have been opportunities before this for some intrigue.

pg 14: "It was time to get to work"
--yes, but what is it? We keep hearing she's working for the B.K., but not any of the results of her work.

pg 15: I really like the W. parts, but I feel like every time we about to see Ir. do something, it cuts to either the B.K. or W...someone with more agency. I wonder if Ir. could be brought in a little more to The Plan?

pg 15: "It would do no good if she realized he was only here for one. That this entire trip had only been for one.", the B.K. is running a burgeoning empire. There's no way he doesn't have a dozen schemes running at once, with fallbacks in place. He's not going to waste eight weeks on one name. It might be the most important one, but I'm sure he would plan very carefully to hit as many of the malcontents and disruptive individuals as possible.

pg 15: "He would have never guessed that the famous vintner and mayor"
--again, why does it matter? There is no significance to one name over the other right now.

pg 16: "Heightened marine taxes in the south and lower trade taxes in the north were slowly encouraging merchants to push their businesses northward."
--I think this is why a B.K. POV would be good in this book. We could also see some of the other plots he's set in motion, and even if the reader isn't told what they're for, they could link together so the reader figures out what his real goal is toward the end. It would give a sense of satisfaction to the reader.

pg 17: the names are needed so B.K. can charm his opponents? That would have been good to know a while back, maybe with another example like this.


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-So Ir’s POV was just her like moseying on through and being sad about leaving and yes we got some progression with her and J but i think we need more. I know that romance isn't as important in this story (or so it seems) but still, it's there and i need to feel it. The interaction we got was pretty cute but i think you could do more with it. I NEED MORE YEARNING :)

-I was very intrigued with what Az was doing. I was like, “why does he need this quartz?? What's this about a key? What is he planning?” the little hypnosis that he did was great, maybe a little much in some areas, where he repeated his name a bunch, but I assume that was necessary for the magic to work. We love a smart king taking advantage of slimy mayors. Okay, i don't know if he is slimy, but that's my headcanon. 

-also, your descriptions of the sky and scenery were superb!


Page 1:

-”her dark hair...covering her pillow” maybe take this out and move it into its own sentence.

-”echoed in the darkness” reflected? But in the darkness? Also this sentence made me feel like some stuff was about to go down. Like she woke up in the dark with her brother staring at her and he says “we have to go!” and then adventure ensues. But then in the next sentence she just says “morning” casually and yawns lol

-elicited a groan” i would change this to “elicited another groan” so that the repetition seems purposeful

-wait, are they not in a hotel? I assumed so because of the wake up call… but then you mentioned the childhood home thing

-”choked with tears” im… not familiar with this phrasing. You can be choked with emotion, or choke back tears, but choked with tears makes it seem like she is choking on a cup of tears. I could be wrong tho. I mean, she could be choking on the tears of her enemies.

-”too soon” this sounds... funny. Like not even considering the “much too soon” bit. “Too soon, her parents and her bros yada yada...” maybe i'm reading into it too much but it just feels like odd wording.

-”etching the sight of the” I guess I get that she is emotional because she has never left home before (right?) but it's...only 8 eight weeks.. Does she not think she is coming back? 


Page 2:

-”into the hug” in on the hug?

- The grinch in me says her family is too loving. A healthy and loving family? impossible!!


Page 3:

-”her tear-streaked face” there is a bit of pronoun confusion in this sentence. I can follow it but it wasn't super clear.

-”makes for a lot of tears shed.” So everyone's family’s are just loving and happy??  Lol i know i sound cynical, and like i love my family, but i don't love them that much. If i were her, i would be happy to get out on my own! Live it up girl!


Page 4:

-i'm noticing the word choked a lot.

-also, A+ for color descriptions of the sky

-”nestled in between that she had seen” I feeeeeel like there should be a comma here “between, that she had seen” maybe not tho. It just feels off to me. Somehow. Okay wait. I read it over a few times and I guess it's fine as is.


Page 5:

-Her feet ached” wait was she walking? I thought she was in a wagon? Why would her feet ache?

-so was it just her and M on the wagon? Where did J come from?

-”growing homesickness” she’s already homesick? Ir, get it together. I would kill for a little vacation like this. 

-i feel like you can cut out the scene of them stopping for lunch. It doesn't really add much. Just ir noticing J and BK. but you could probably relay that info in a shorter paragraph.


Page 6:

-“had been an interesting experience,” why was it interesting?

-”she recognized the items.” unrealistic. Nobody loves anybody this much. ;)

-”their love was right her in her trunk.” This just makes me feel bad as a person. Because nobody would go to this length if I was leaving for 8 weeks. Like all her friends gave her stuff just for going on vacation? This is an outrage! I'm joking of course… but still.


Page 7:

-there are too many dialogue tags on this page. Its just Ir and J talking.

-”still there, (but) it didn’t threaten” 


Page 8:

-”rubbed the back of his neck,” is this a shoujo manga?

-”“I’m not sorry that you did it.” it IS a shoujo manga

-”He stared at view.” what does this mean

-”What are we doing, J?” yes, J, what are we doing? i think it true that our fates are star crossed, i fear we must part, and never be together. aaaaaand scene.


Page 9:

-”She touched the chip in the cup.” like a potato chip?

-”He was right there.” i read this as “he was right there in front of her.” rather than “he was correct in what he said”

-”until…she standing shocked,” is this a tense error? Or is the word ”was” missing?


Page 10:
-”Lent’s voice cut in.” ooof awkward

-”the floor as he reach up with” reached

-also wait did they not even get to kiss??

-also also READ A ROOM L, give these whippersnappers some privacy


Page 11:

-”because of the man she was more often with than not.” consider rearranging to “she was with more often than not

-”in the humbler farmers” humbler sounds odd to me, maybe just use humble


Page 12:

-“BK wrote his reply” should this be “replies”? Since there were multiple messages

-im a bit confused in the first paragraph. You said that the birds never talked about what the

messages contained but then said that the birds gossiped.

-”five weeks, and at this point,”

Page 13:

-”two-storey buildings” i don't know the rules in using british vs american spellings but i feel like consistency should always be number one. So it would be odd if you only used the british spelling of “story” but then never used it anywhere else. Like colours vs colors. (I haven't been paying close enough attention though, so this may be a nonissue) also, I don't mind it, but I feel like some people might, because at first, it looks like “story” is spelled wrong. So those american folk who are not well versed in british spelling might think you misspelled it. Edit: I went back and looked through your chapter and saw that you used “recognize” rather than “recognise” so, I assume you’re sticking with American spelling.

-”she didn’t want to miss a thing for G!” this sounds like something mickey mouse would say


Page 14:

-”their use of glamours”


Page 15:

-”bit her lip when she used her magic excessively” after only one name?

-is Az hypnotizing this bull?

-oooh BK got some cool powers

 -okay i was so into Az’s perspective that I blew through it and just wrote my thoughts in this “page 15” section even tho the quotes were from the pages after that. Sooo yeah. It took me a while to get through Ir’s POV but Az’s i just zoomed on through.


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(writing out responses to chapters individually to see how they stand on their own)

Ch 30: This chapter right now is doing a lot of setup work, where I see two main conflicts. First is Ir's homesickness, which is really hammered in for the first few pages. The emotion really shines through here, so good job! The second is the budding romance with J, which I also think feels quite genuine. So I think this chapter successfully sets up two different conflicts for Ir. I only have a couple of comments here. First is that I get the impression that the chapter is trying to link the two conflicts by having J talk about homesickness, but I don't quite feel it yet. It seems like the story wants the context of Ir's homesickness to be important to the relationship dynamic with J, but that right now it doesn't know how. Is she leaning on him to fill the void of leaving the familiar? Is the traveling something that will connect the two of them together? Right now I can't tell. Second is that, like other people have mentioned, chapter 30 of 40 feels like a bit of a tricky place to have a chapter that's mostly doing setup work. If you think the setup here is necessary for future chapters to work, my guess is that it's because previous chapters aren't pulling their weight, and that these conflicts should be introduced earlier so that they can be expanded upon now. But I'm taking a shot in the dark here because it's not like I've read through the majority of this book. 

Ch 31: Okay, this one reads even more like a setup chapter to me. This is due to what everyone else has mentioned with the BK being the only one to move the plot forward. Again, my first instinct is to say this means that previous chapters aren't pulling their full weight if we need to have Ir be passive here so that the BK can set up the plot. Right now my impression is that Ir can't interact with a lot of the interesting dynamics in this story because they're only now being set up, and that she could be more active if she and we had more access to information about what's going on earlier in the story. But again I'm trying to extrapolate what was and wasn't set up previously based only the info we're given here so I could be off. Can't comment too much about character shifts.

I also liked all the mushiness but maybe that's just me. :)



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(page 1)

Chapter 30 

- "little sea trunk" - It seems to me that eight weeks' supplies would be way too much to fit in a 'little' trunk. Can't you just say trunk and the reader can apply an appropriate size in their imagination?

(page 2)

- "hiding her from view" - Whose view? This seems almost like a POV issue to me.

(page 3)

- "She turned the corner towards P’s XXXX," - missing word.

(page 5)

- "such a small strike of affection meant nothing." - What is a strike of affection? Odd word, sounds counterintuitive. Strike = bad, affection = good.

- "asking sections leaders for reports" - typo.

- "covered in lightly with dust" - typo.

- "stating his status" - UGH.

- "Ir spent the hours walking with J" - Nope. The last reference to him she was sick at the thought of sitting next to him. There's no transition from discomfort back to her being comfortable around him.

(page 6)

- "right her in her trunk" - typo.

(page 7)

- "She gratefully took it" - Split infinitive. Sometimes, these sounds okay, occasionally, but often they sound horribly clunky. Infinitives were not designed to be split. For comparison, (1) Gratefully, she took it; (2) She took it gratefully. I think (2) is best, but both sound better than the original, because the infinitive is maintained intact. I think (2) sounds best because, in terms of primacy and recency, it leaves the reader with the word 'gratefully', with is the most interesting and important word in the sentence.

- "You opened you trunk" - typo.

(page 8)

- Since when does J say 'Yeah'? This makes him sound like as teenager, and it affects the mood of the scene, which is very important. Also not keen on Ir saying 'Hey, J'. Same effect, doesn't sound right to me, or appropriate to the moment.

- "He stared at view" - missing word.

(page 9)

- Okay, I don't like J's lack of reaction to what she's saying, and, I also think the balance of the scene, of the romantic progression is off. All she did was kiss him on the cheek. I know it was freighted with more significance because of the context in which the kiss occurred, but still, he might have interpreted it as nothing more than friendly. As I say, because of the context, I think his is just as likely to interpret it as more then just friendly affection. In which case, I don't think he would be so silent here, letting Ir twist uncomfortably as he makes her do all the work while he says nothing.

I think he should kiss her in this scene before they start all this talking about this is doomed to fail. 'This' is not a thing yet until he acknowledges it, and returns her affection (i.e. with the proposed kiss). THEN they can start talking about where it's going.

- 'scooting' is not a romantic word. This is a romantic moment and deserves a better word, like 'moved closer', even, or 'shifted closer'. Really, these are just neutral words, but 'scooted' is not neutral.

- "He bonked her softly on the head" - Seriously? I mean, not to even to for the point about 'bonk' being a euphemism for the act of love, 'bonk' is a horrible word in this situation totally breaks the mood of the scene. This is not her joshing around with Net. You're trying to sell the romance to the reader. Need more sympathetic word choices in this scene.

(page 10)

- "as he reach up" - typo.

- "weaving it through her hair and pulling her closer" - I think it needs to be clear that his hand is at the back of her neck, otherwise this line could be read as him pulling her by the hair.

- Okay, this first kiss is good too, and the dialogue that goes with it is suitably sweet and romantic. I maintain my point that something is needed from him before they can have a conversation about there 'it' is going. So, I suggest that he kisses her on the cheek , back before they get into talking about the future of their relationship.

- Nice end to the chapter, and a nice chapter, to mingle new romance wit leaving home gives plenty of feels. I don't mind that there is no real arc. I like a travel chapter, and leaving the city for the first time deserves to be acknowledged.

Chapter 31 

- "something addicting" - addictive.

(page 11)

- "the man she was more often with than not" - Awkward and confusing. Simplicity is best.

- "before kissing her knuckles" - Seriously, romantic word choice would be so much more effective. 'kissing her hand' here, for example.

- "had she ben missing" - typo.

- "had its trade offs" - trade-offs: needs a hyphen, it's a compound noun.

(page 12)

- "were at the forefront of every attack" - But those attacks will not all be in Bo, will they? These messengers must have come from all over the continent.

(page 13)

- Very effective description of the winery. I enjoyed that.

(page 14)

- "illusioned to be the flight of mundane birds" - great line.

- "continuing their use glamours and illusions" - typo: delete, IMO.

(page 15)

- "throne long enough to be worth investing in" - This does not seem like a bad idea to me. More honest than many politicians, I suspect.

- "that she bit her lip when" - Good detail, I like that he notices such things. Suggests to me that he's good at playing the game of politics. Show's him being capable.

- "That this entire trip had only been for one" - This is a great line, and it's top class subterfuge that he goes to this length to disguise the fact the he is only looking one name. Well done on that. My problem is, for this to be effective, whoever is watching needs to be aware of him getting all these names. There is not point in him going to all this trouble to hide the fact from Ir, because she's not playing the spying game. So, who is the disguise for? That confuses me, and undermines his strategy, I think. We need to know for whose benefit his strategy is being played.


A fair amount of the second chapter is travelogue too, but I'm content that it is moving us forward, and it's good to see the BK in action, and how this links together with W's manoeuvring. I'm hoping that W's POV is still there, and that we get to see something of that change that we discussed previously.

I enjoyed this. It continues to get better, IMO. :) 


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