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Snakenaps

11,30,2020 - Snakenaps - Name of the King - D3 Chapter 29 (2,469 words)

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Likely one chapter a week moving forward...

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Okay I'm back after having read some chapters in the middle and now this one so I don't have much of an idea what's going on with the larger story but I can make comments about the chapter:

I really like the conflict that's set up at the beginning of the chapter here. Especially how the focus is on homesickness, loneliness, and loss of connection with family instead of the the technical challenges of learning the songs. It really hit me hard, and felt genuine to my experience this year living far away from family for the first time. 

I think the trick is to tighten the connections between the birthday scene and this conflict. This means that the birthday scene should, imo, deal with ideas of home and family. And I think it's already mostly there and just needs a little push. Home is a trickier one to discuss because I see the most potential as coming from her friends as a new source of feeling at home, which maybe draws from previous chapters here in a way that I can't understand. Still, I think that connections between this friend group and the physical place she feels she belongs could be more explicit, though the challenge is not making it heavy-handed. Or maybe there's another source of home that I'm missing here.

I think I have a better idea of why the family thing didn't hit as hard as it could have for me. I really appreciate her brothers making this effort, but because it's a birthday party it feels like this good thing happening to Ir is a consequence of factors outside her control rather than her own agency as a protagonist. My (admittedly prescriptive) suggestion is to have some dynamic between Ir and her brothers (reason for the party, conversation during the party, ect.) based on something that has to do with her actions rather than outside circumstances. I'm sure there are other options to strengthen the connection of Ir to her family as a means of advancing her conflict of distant familial relations, but to me focusing more on her agency is the most straightforward route.

Best of luck in editing! :)

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I am not sure what I think of this chapter. At some parts it feels like nothing is happening but it also feels like a lot is happening. 

There wasn't much tension in the back to the music scene. And something about it felt too familiar. And for some reason, I thought we already knew how long the tour was. 

The time jump in the chapter threw me off. For me, I would've liked if the jump was between chapters, not within chapters. 

When we got to the party, I felt like I was missing something. I know a lot of time had passed, but so much felt unresolved in the wrong way. I wasn't ready to jump ahead that far. I would like it better if whatever you do when you revise the previous chapter makes it end on a note where I feel like there is some resolution to the arc of an act, but still plenty of tension left to keep me moving forward. I think you have the pieces set up for that, but they just didn't fall together right. 

I'm not convinced the goodbye party chapter starts in the right place. The conversation with mom did have some decent emotion, and updated me on the S situation, but I was stumbling a bit. The S situation wasn't necessarily what I cared about right away. Same with the following summary. 

Seeing C's was a nice milestone and brought me back to where it started. The food imagery made me hungry and wanting for something more substantial than the m & ms I was munching on. 

A lot of the party felt like a blur. Parties are blurs, but I wanted more moments to zoom in on. Could the conversation with her mom have happened during a lull? After it's already started, maybe I brings up S? 

Can you write more about S and J dancing? There was a lost opportunity for the romantic and physical tension to build there. 

The kiss on the cheek was adorable. I loved the last lines in the chapter, especially the "why hadn't she gone for the lips?" 

I have mixed feelings about how I ran away. To an extent, it seemed like something I would do. But it also seemed a little too abrupt. We didn't to see any of J's reaction, which bugged me. Would I notice more about how he reacted when she tucked the flower behind his ear? Would she have been studying his face? Thinking more about him? Can we linger a tiny bit more in the moment where she does kiss his cheek before she runs away? Can she catch a glimpse of his reaction, a little more than just his head turning, before she runs away? 

There is also a part of me that wants to yell at her, "oh no you don't! Get back there and talk to him!" 

Or maybe more like, "Okay, Katie. Didn't you have words for me when my characters avoided sharing their thoughts and feelings, but now yours is LITERALLY RUNNING AWAY."

Yet, on some level, the running away worked. I think it just happens a little too fast. 

Maybe the problem with most of this chapter is that it is too fast. 

I'm saying slow down and bask in the moments. Watch the others come in and say the opposite. 

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Not cool having all those food descriptions when I packed a protein bar for lunch :-)

That being said, nice food descriptions!

"She was trying not to think too hard about it" nice line

Rudimentary math: baking takes a ton of math, especially adjusting recipies for different numbers of people. Maybe she's only good with ratios and fractions?

"That would have been as a conquering army." This line feels patched in, I don't think you need it since this point has been covered before. 

The time skip feels like a new chapter. 

Exiled: I hope I'm not being too picky, but it seems like S has exiled herself rather than IR. 

I liked the party scene. It felt like a big pay off for many of the conflicts before this point and maybe some breathing room before the next gauntlet. I agree parts of this scene could be fleshed out to really savor the good parts before the inevitable conflicts to come. 

Thanks for sharing!

 

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Oh, look, I'm on time. Don't get used to it ;) 

(page 1)

- "just began magic lessons today" - Okay, I don't think this came through all that clearly in the scene that I was moaning about last time. I felt she was going to help some guy improve his charms, or something, or to learn about charms, which were not central to her magic. I feel the rationale for that scene going in could be strengthened, played up more. That way, while it would still read like a big info dump, it would be justified, since that's kind of what education is, sort of (Don't hurt me :unsure: ).

(page 2)

- "The unicorn was larger than life" - LOL. Something about this line makes me chuckle. A unicorn larger than life, surely not? :) 

- "is making up for the last time he marched through" - He's never going to make up for that time, and I don't think he is naive enough to try, or to think that a royal visit will 'make up for; invading. I'd suggest rephrasing this in the sense that he's trying to reduce/change/mitigate/overwrite the memory of the last time he marched through, to change the mood, not make amends in any way.

(page 3)

- "putting a hand on her shoulder" - I expected her to react to this, but she's caught up in the pangs. She reacted next to sitting beside him, but not to actual contact. Then again, her being away so long is a stronger emotion, I get that. I thought this was an opportunity for another line, a reaction to the personal angle, but maybe that would distract too much from her main emotion. Still, it would be neat to see just a flicker of acknowledgment, maybe.

(page 4)

- I enjoy the happiness of the restaurant reunion, after the darkness of recent events, and as a prelude to Ir leaving the city.

- "There was a minuscule chance any of them ever would" - Why is that? I don't agree. Not everyone is as reticent about travelling as Ir. In fact, hospitality workers are prone to travelling quite a bit, I think. Or maybe it's the converse that it true: people who travel a lot tend to work in hospitality.

(page 6)

- "on the dance floor. Letting the beat take control" - (a) I tend to doubt that the restaurant has a specific dance floor, as that would be a huge waste of space when restaurants are about getting as many tables in as possible. The reality, surely, is that an area of the floor (just general floor) has been cleared to permit dancing; (b) this strikes me as a very modern phrase, and not at all poetic, compared to something let 'let the beat whisk her away (free cooking allusion with every comment ;)).

- "fragranced by feast and flowers" - Not a verb!!

(page 8)

- "They wouldn’t have understood this" - This seems a bit over the top to me. Sue understood the value of family very well, surely, at least before she was a rebel? And does Sue have a job? Maybe that is what she would not understand, but I don't think that's clear here. Sue must have had friends, surely?

- "pulled on the rope they both still held" - I really thought he was pulling her in for a kiss at this point. I really did.

- "she dropped the robe" - Typo: that's  whollllllle other scene :lol:.

Overall 

I thought this was a good, strong chapter. The ending is starting to pay off on my romantic aspirations for these two, which is very satisfying. I thought the moment they shared was very sweet, and handled with the right balance of uncertainty and brashness on Ir's part. I really did think that J was pulling her in for a kiss when he pulled on the rope, but that worked as a good tease in the end: will they, won't they? Yes, that worked well.

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1 hour ago, Sarah B said:

Not cool having all those food descriptions when I packed a protein bar for lunch :-)

:lol: 

9 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Yet, on some level, the running away worked. I think it just happens a little too fast. 

Maybe the problem with most of this chapter is that it is too fast. 

I'm saying slow down and bask in the moments. Watch the others come in and say the opposite. 

I will happily jump in and say the opposite ;). I thought the timing around the kiss was spot on. If she stays longer, there is the 'risk' her sudden shock will feel fake. I think that shock has to impact immediately or I'd be expecting her to stay and not run at all. Her running is more fun, IMO, because we don't get a chance to see J's reaction.

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This was a fun chapter! I just have a couple of thoughts on this one:

With the math: Lol, that was my reaction too. I tried doing the math in my head for like two seconds before just thinking "it's a lot". 

With the time skip: Whoah! Two and a half months?? I feel like this is a lot. What happened during those months? Sure, I'm glad to skip it if its all just practicing, but it seems a bit abrupt. I think just a little glimpse of her practicing her magic or music during that timeframe would be good. 

I liked the party scene. Very fun, with an almost frantic air to it. Makes me think that something bad is going to happen soon, though it is fun. 

I don't think I can imagine how a human and a griffin would dance together, let alone a large group of various animals in a group dance. That's kind of just a personal thing tho

I liked the scene with Ir and J. Very awkward yet fun, like a middle-school crush. I think her running away was in character. 

This is a good set-up for her leaving, i think. Can't wait to see what trouble she gets into >:) 

11 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Seeing C's was a nice milestone and brought me back to where it started. 

A lot of the party felt like a blur. Parties are blurs, but I wanted more moments to zoom in on. Could the conversation with her mom have happened during a lull? After it's already started, maybe I brings up S? 

Can you write more about S and J dancing? There was a lost opportunity for the romantic and physical tension to build there. 

I agree with all three of these. 

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1 hour ago, ginger_reckoning said:

With the time skip: Whoah! Two and a half months??

Yeah. I kind of glossed over that in my head. It's a good point. Maybe need a montage line. You know, something about the weather. 'The winds turned easterly, and the temperature....something. Leaves feel from the trees, or flowers bloomed, or something.' Just a line to highlight time passing.

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4 hours ago, Robinski said:

Yeah. I kind of glossed over that in my head. It's a good point. Maybe need a montage line. You know, something about the weather. 'The winds turned easterly, and the temperature....something. Leaves feel from the trees, or flowers bloomed, or something.' Just a line to highlight time passing.

I love these kind of montage lines. 

8 hours ago, Robinski said:

I will happily jump in and say the opposite ;). I thought the timing around the kiss was spot on. If she stays longer, there is the 'risk' her sudden shock will feel fake. I think that shock has to impact immediately or I'd be expecting her to stay and not run at all. Her running is more fun, IMO, because we don't get a chance to see J's reaction.

OK, you do make a good point there. 

 

6 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

I don't think I can imagine how a human and a griffin would dance together, let alone a large group of various animals in a group dance. That's kind of just a personal thing tho

 

I would like more details describing this scene. 

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As I go:

 

Page 1:

-I’m really glad this first scene got pushed into a new chapter! 

-90 songs?? Oof ...that's right, right?

-”and therefore performances” i may be reading too much into this but this phrasing confuses me a bit. maybe it would be more clear if you include a comma before performances. So that it reads like “and therefore: performances! Let's talk about performances!” unless you mean to say BK has decided not to cancel the tour as well as performances. Because that's how I'm reading it now.  

-”the hard part is…” this sentence was fine at first but then I read over it again and it seems too… simple. I'm not sure exactly what it is… maybe it seems repetitive? Im not sure :(

 

Page 2:

-“‘Ambassadors?’ Ir said.” Ir asked?

-”in-person” should there be a hyphen here?

-”larger than life” I'm not sure what you mean by this. I get that he is a big deal but i don't think this is the right phrase. But also! It seems like you are just repeating what has already been said. J already said that his presence was powerful on its own. Unless you mean to say that… he is physically really big…. 

-“Eight weeks-” i think the dash should be an em dash rather than an en dash

-”eyebrows shot to her hairline” i giggled at that

-“Eight!” I really like the emphasis here but i think it might hit harder if there were more of a pause between “week.” and “Eight!” like maybe if you added an action, “Her hand rubbed at her forehead.” idk, something like that.

-why three months? There's nothing wrong with it… I was just wondering if there might’ve been a reason. I guess it gives Ir time to process things. But then again, not everything needs a reason.

 

Page 3:

-there should definitely be something to note the passage of time more smoothly. That big chunk of time was a bit unexpected. I think this is why I questioned why they had to leave in three months. Why not one week? Then you won't have to worry about describing the passage of time. 2.5 months is quite a big leap! 

-love the personification of spring

-”...since” i don’t know if the repetition here is doing anything for me. I just imagined Ir saying it (as the narrator) really dramatically. 

 

Page 4:

-S and T seem petty. Ir doesnt need them. Tell her she is better than their pettiness.

-osrt… ostrat… ostra-what? Oh! Excluded! Had to look that one up ;)

-”arrived hand in hand” I had to scroll back up to see that they were walking somewhere. 

 

Page 5:

-okay.. I am sure this has been pointed out before, but… this world has animals and humans on the same level of consciousness.. And they eat chicken… and pork… and veal!? Not veal! Is this okay? Is this not cannibalism? Would the animals not be outraged by their fellow species being eaten by humans? L is part bird right? Isn’t he upset about them eating chicken? And what about the motherly cow, P?? How can she let a baby cow be eaten!? Dangit! I demand answers! 

Side note- I usually glaze over descriptions of food (I grew up reading Redwall and yeesh.) but to be fair, I am now really hungry, so you have successfully made my stomach scream at me. My god- bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar sounds SO good right now.

    Side note #2- the point I bring up reminds me of The Promised Neverland. If you haven't seen that anime, I HIGHLY recommend it. The twist at the end of the first episode is *chef’s kiss*

 

Page 6:

-”you and food” Okay, I get that he was probably rolling his eyes because she is a chef and food is always on her mind, but my mind went a different route. I was like wait… is he going to eat her? Have the tables turned? Do the animals eat humans as well? Wow, this took a turn. Perhaps add the eyeroll in case there are others out there like me!

 

Page 7:

-”clapped her hands with stomping hooves” made me think Ir had the hooves and i got real confused for a second

-“before i steal him forever” Ah, the classic mother trying to steal her daughter’s love interest. 

-I was confused about the rope, I had to go back and see if there was an explanation for it. I assumed it could be because J is visually impaired. But I’m not sure. Also, I didn’t know that from reading, only from seeing the drawing of him on your instagram. But then where is his cane? Did I miss this?

 

Page 8:

-”came hand-in-hand.” I feel like it should be “went” 

-”robe” Rope

12 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "she dropped the robe" - Typo: that's  whollllllle other scene :lol:.

- @Robinski I snorted lol

-”he kinda left it somewhere” I don’t remember this happening. Did he leave it somewhere? Why isn’t he accountable for his own cane? 

 

Page 9:

-I completely understand her sense of embarrassment. I would be the same. However, I remember seeing somewhere that she was older than 20? I don’t remember the exact age but I remember it was older than I expected. She can drink wine but can’t kiss a boy on the lips?? Actually, you know what, same though. Wine > any human interaction

 

Overall:

-You created a really happy, fun, light-hearted atmosphere! I am quite the cynist so this was very fluff for me but that is not a bad thing! You need the good stuff to balance out the bad!

-I skimmed the other comments and though objectively nothing huge has happened in this chapter, I don’t think anything needs to. Sometimes we need to relax and take a break from the politics and tortured MC! (ahem, listen to your own advice kara)

-The party did feel a LITTLE fast. But you don't want to linger too long on it, imo, because I am one who wants the drama and the tension, so smaller, fun chapters like these are nice :) ugh okay im editting this again. I can see where others said that by lingering on Ir and J dancing, you can add more tension. I will admit their dance felt short and there were some missed opportunities.

-actually I want to add that, though this may be because I have not spent enough time with these characters, I did not feel the tension and excitement with the forbidden cheek kiss. there have been cases in other stories that have made me sequel when one character makes the first move. but this didnt. BUT that is most likely probably (definitely) because I have not seen them in that way and didn't start at the beginning with them... so others who have spent this whole journey with Ir and J would be better judges :)

Edited by karamel
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3 minutes ago, karamel said:

okay.. I am sure this has been pointed out before, but… this world has animals and humans on the same level of consciousness.. And they eat chicken… and pork… and veal!? Not veal! Is this okay? Is this not cannibalism? Would the animals not be outraged by their fellow species being eaten by humans? L is part bird right? Isn’t he upset about them eating chicken? And what about the motherly cow, P?? How can she let a baby cow be eaten!? Dangit! I demand answers! 

I've been a bit busy to respond to everyone's comments but...you demanded, so I answer.

This was a HUGE problem in Draft One/Two that I haven't fixed correctly yet in the opening of Draft Three. You may have already noticed this. 

There are three types of creatures:

  • Civilized - Any talking creature capable of feeling compassion and able to invent. Humans, unicorns, griffins, talking cows, most of the cast. 
  • Mundane - Any animal incapable of talking and advanced speech. A typical animal like on Earth. Insects, fish, dolphins, and whales are always mundane.
  • Fey - Any talking creature unable to feel compassion and unable to invent. Trapped in the Feylands. Sphinxes, baku, fairies, and trolls are all examples of Fey. Hated and feared, regarded as demonic monsters.

There are civilized - talking - cows. There are mundane - -non-talking - cows. These are seen as two completely separate creatures, as taught by their religion. So a human eating a mundane animal? No big deal. A human eating a civilized creature? Essentially cannibalism. That's essentially the really short version without getting into the religious aspect. I've been thinking about shifting biological aspects slightly (for instance, horses have a pretty limited diet that I expand upon for copious food descriptions) that would be fairly obvious beyond behavior (extra muscles for smiling and such, maybe a slight difference in size).

Either way...is there room for some really freaky murder where a restaurant unknowingly feeds a civilized creature to unexpecting guests...yes, yes there is.  

Is this one of the major foundational cracks, along with the governments and Sue's inconsistent personality? Yes, yes it is. 

13 minutes ago, karamel said:

However, I remember seeing somewhere that she was older than 20? I don’t remember the exact age but I remember it was older than I expected.

Twenty, yup. She is about to turn 21. 

Something I need to sneak in is that - as with many earlier cultures - she's actually been drinking watered down wine since she was 10-12 before moving onto the real stuff. Possibly even earlier considering the culture of the restaurant. Drinking water wasn't always safe (especially during wartime), but wine is. 

I should have her kiss him on the lips. You're right. I'm just a coward and rushed this entire chapter because I was running away as much as Ir. 

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Overall

This is another one lacking an arc and forward momentum. The little romance at the end was nice and I like the scenery of the party, but it needs another plot thread running through it to give it the power to get us to the next chapter. Same sort of overall feeling as many others - lacking forward progress, too much slice of life without purpose. Still, your writing is improving and the imagery is lovely!

As I go

- I'm not too enthusiastic about another chapter of preparing for performances. I'm preparation gun shy now

- pg 3: I think that entire first interlude there could be boiled down to a paragraph and the rest cut. It kills the flow and tension from the previous chapter and puts us back in chitchat with no plot progression

- pg 3: S had once been more than her sister. She had been her best friend. Where had ... <-- unnecessary, all of this. We know what went wrong. We witnessed it. Cut to keep the flow of the chapter and not drag us down in internal monologue

- pg 5: Five pages in and I still don't know what the arc of this chapter is. What is its purpose? How is it moving the narrative forward?

- I think this (farewell??) party could work if there was a second line going through it. A spy I senses, something to keep the tension through the party

- pg 8: aww, a kiss

 

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5 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:

There are civilized - talking - cows. There are mundane - -non-talking - cows. These are seen as two completely separate creatures, as taught by their religion. So a human eating a mundane animal? No big deal. A human eating a civilized creature? Essentially cannibalism. That's essentially the really short version without getting into the religious aspect. I've been thinking about shifting biological aspects slightly (for instance, horses have a pretty limited diet that I expand upon for copious food descriptions) that would be fairly obvious beyond behavior (extra muscles for smiling and such, maybe a slight difference in size).

That's fair. Still pretty sus tho. *squints aggressively*

5 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:

Either way...is there room for some really freaky murder where a restaurant unknowingly feeds a civilized creature to unexpecting guests...yes, yes there is. 

I am intrigued! 10/10 would read this side story.

9 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:

Twenty, yup. She is about to turn 21. 

Something I need to sneak in is that - as with many earlier cultures - she's actually been drinking watered down wine since she was 10-12 before moving onto the real stuff. Possibly even earlier considering the culture of the restaurant. Drinking water wasn't always safe (especially during wartime), but wine is. 

Ah, okay! So, I guess my point was just that she didn't seem 20. I think maybe a little younger... idk... what do i know... nothing

9 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:

I should have her kiss him on the lips. You're right. I'm just a coward and rushed this entire chapter because I was running away as much as Ir. 

Ha! I am always running away, so I relate.

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Just now, karamel said:

Ah, okay! So, I guess my point was just that she didn't seem 20. I think maybe a little younger... idk... what do i know... nothing

You know how to read a story. Therefore, arguably, you know everything, even if you don't yet have words to describe what your gut tells you. Lemme push you: why does she feel younger, and does it add/detract from the story? 

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Just now, Snakenaps said:

You know how to read a story. Therefore, arguably, you know everything, even if you don't yet have words to describe what your gut tells you. Lemme push you: why does she feel younger, and does it add/detract from the story? 

Oof okay. Yes, I should explain. But how, I ask? Let me ponder.

Okay, I've pondered.

This is difficult because I don't feel like I've spent enough time with Ir and her world is far different than mine. What else can I compare her to other than myself? But I can't really remember what being 20 was like (I barely remember what day it is). But even then, she is not me.  I think I was pretty emotional (still am) and not surrounded by family and loved ones like her so our support systems are very different.

But I said it, so there's got to be a reason. My first thought is that she seems to think like a teenager (sometimes). there are instances where she says things that just sound younger. Like, "It was all thanks to my amazing teachers" sounds sort of like a teenager in a disney channel movie. I think it was mostly just the last bit about her running away and being embarrassed about a kiss. But that's not fair because I myself am an introvert with social anxiety so I can very much relate. As you can see, I am conflicted.

I think her seeming younger to me would only detract from the story if you wanted this to be an adult book (which I understand that you do). I am considering just taking my comment back because I am not able to give you any concrete evidence.

Once I read your first few chapters, I can give you a better response to this. Bear with me please :-)

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6 minutes ago, karamel said:

I am considering just taking my comment back because I am not able to give you any concrete evidence

I disagree and I think you're rad. You did give good evidence. I'm proud of you. This is exactly what I wanted. 

Readers connect to characters because they can relate/not relate to them. You explained that, with words, using your own "funds of knowledge." 

Funds of knowledge is a teaching term that refers to everything you know, you've experienced, and you love/hate. You used that as evidence on why you reacted that way. And you did it well. 

You've given me a lot to think about, even if you don't realize that. Thank you. 

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12 minutes ago, karamel said:

But I can't really remember what being 20 was like

eh as someone who actually is 20 i feel like its basically the same as being a teen but with *responsibilities* ( spongebob hand rainbow)

and debt 

So she feels about right to me 

 

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10 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said:

eh as someone who actually is 20 i feel like its basically the same as being a teen but with *responsibilities* ( spongebob hand rainbow)

and debt 

So she feels about right to me 

 

My favorite motto as a 20 year old was "I need an adultier adult." Left the stove on for nine hours and everything. Real good at adulting.

Now I'm going to turn 24 in February and my motto is, "I need a nap."  

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8 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said:

eh as someone who actually is 20 i feel like its basically the same as being a teen but with *responsibilities* ( spongebob hand rainbow)

and debt 

So she feels about right to me 

 

very true. this is why i was like "nah maybe she doesnt feel too young, maybe I should take it back" because i honestly am still a child. a 25 year old child. i still cant even deal with my 'sponserberleries.

Spoiler

cPxeNTb.jpg.d7deb2a01658625519fc8789ac070efb.jpg

 

18 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:

I disagree and I think you're rad. You did give good evidence. I'm proud of you. This is exactly what I wanted. 

Readers connect to characters because they can relate/not relate to them. You explained that, with words, using your own "funds of knowledge." 

Funds of knowledge is a teaching term that refers to everything you know, you've experienced, and you love/hate. You used that as evidence on why you reacted that way. And you did it well. 

You've given me a lot to think about, even if you don't realize that. Thank you. 

*wipes tears away* no, you're rad.

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2 minutes ago, karamel said:

*wipes tears away* no, you're rad

Spoiler

Aww Shucks GIFs | Tenor

 

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59 minutes ago, karamel said:

very true. this is why i was like "nah maybe she doesnt feel too young, maybe I should take it back" because i honestly am still a child. a 25 year old child. i still cant even deal with my 'sponserberleries.

 

And I am a 32-year-old child who eats cookies for breakfast. I think at 20 I was probably less mature than Ir.  :lol:

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Well! I think everyone has pretty much covered what I wanted to say about this chapter, so not too much to add.

I agree with most everyone else that the time skip was abrupt. I think the montage suggestion is a good one. I made a similar suggestion below.

I enjoyed the party, but also felt something was off, like it didn't tie into anything. We haven't seen most of these characters since the first few chapters so I'd honestly forgotten about most of them, and then there's so much festivity (the word "joy" was repeated several times) that it almost felt like you were saying YOU WILL BE MERRY HERE. I was waiting for the roof to fall in or a riot to spring up or something. I think tightening it up and dealing with Ir's emotions about leaving as shaded by the party might bring it more meaning.

On 11/30/2020 at 11:43 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

There is also a part of me that wants to yell at her, "oh no you don't! Get back there and talk to him!" 

Or maybe more like, "Okay, Katie. Didn't you have words for me when my characters avoided sharing their thoughts and feelings, but now yours is LITERALLY RUNNING AWAY."

Yet, on some level, the running away worked. I think it just happens a little too fast. 

Agree with this. I thought it was cute, but also just a little rushed. I need more! Just one glimpse of a stunned face, or something.

Also, lol's re. @shatteredsmooth

12 hours ago, Snakenaps said:
12 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

eh as someone who actually is 20 i feel like its basically the same as being a teen but with *responsibilities* ( spongebob hand rainbow)

and debt 

So she feels about right to me 

 

My favorite motto as a 20 year old was "I need an adultier adult." Left the stove on for nine hours and everything. Real good at adulting.

Now I'm going to turn 24 in February and my motto is, "I need a nap."  

 

11 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

And I am a 32-year-old child who eats cookies for breakfast. I think at 20 I was probably less mature than Ir.  :lol:

*grumbles in almost 40*

 

Notes while reading"

pg 1: “Let’s talk about the spring performances.” "Let me catch you up to speed:"
--seems repetitive

pg 1: "and she was trying not to think too hard about it."
--good, but can it be more specific? Is she trying to to let their hands touch, or worried that he's only sitting next to her because there's no other seat, or doesn't know if he wants to sit closer...

pg 2: "B is an incredibly small part of P, even if it was the capital city"
--geography context!

pg 2: "former monarchy as a peaceful king"
--but P is still a monarchy, right? It's just changed hands.

pg 3: hmm...I think the 2.5 month skip is good to push the story along, but I'm also wondering a bot about what's happened. Has Ir. been learning music, magic, and still doing her naming thing? Has anything else progressed with the unrest in the city? Have the revolutionaries made any other moves?
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this skip. You might need a few descriptions to tide us over though.

pg 4: "The same on the outside, but rebuilt with something new"
--nice comparison

pg 4: "there was so much love pouring out from the restaurant’s skeleton "
--a nice sentiment, but we haven't seen any of these people since the first few chapters, so I don't really have a connection with them. Have any of them been in the restaurant before while it was being rebuilt? Has Ir visited it?

pg 5: "Working for the B.K. had put her on odds with many of C’s co-workers"
--again, we haven't seen any of this. Just the contention between her and her sister. She went to the palace and almost all scenes not in there have been with family members.

pg 5/6: this is all very very happy and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

pg 7: "making sure not to tangle up the rope"
--so are they dancing together around a rope? Is this like a male/female separation thing?

pg 8: "before she could stop herself and think, she leaned in and kissed his cheek."
--finally!

pg 9: "At the same time, if she had to have kissed him, why hadn’t she gone for the lips!"
--Ha! Really. Well, I look forward to how this changes her travels with the B.K.


 

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4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

*grumbles in almost 40*

Mirrors this same grumbling

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On 02/12/2020 at 4:02 AM, ginger_reckoning said:

eh as someone who actually is 20 i feel like its basically the same as being a teen but with *responsibilities*

On 02/12/2020 at 4:14 AM, Snakenaps said:

Now I'm going to turn 24 in February and my motto is, "I need a nap."

On 02/12/2020 at 4:16 AM, karamel said:

i honestly am still a child. a 25 year old child. i still cant even deal with my 'sponserberleries.

22 hours ago, Mandamon said:

*grumbles in almost 40*

18 hours ago, kais said:

Mirrors this same grumbling

The 'good' news here, kids, is that--basically--it never changes. I am 54, and still feel much the same in my outlook as I did when I was 20. More considered now, more experienced, more rounded as a person <hey, you at the back, stop sniggering>, my politics have shifted, etc., but essentially still much the same person in my likes, dislikes, habits and personality. I think the biggest change that acts upon us through life is when there are shifts in the people around us. Getting married, or 'partnering-up'--for example; leaving home; changing jobs (maybe less so). 

In this respect, while it took me a few chapters to accept Ir's rather gushy reaction to her family, I came to accept it as reasonable because of the upbringing that she has had. Thankfully, there is conflict, there are hard times within the family unit and, for me, that offsets the bits earlier in the story that are a smidge saccharine for my taste as an emotionally repressed, middle-aged Scottish bloke.

Edited by Robinski
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