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Aspiring Writer

Reading Excuses - 11/23/20 - Aspiring Writer - SotU -The Vengeful, the Betrayed, and the Lost - Ch4-Ch6 (3417) - (L,V,G)

53 posts in this topic

Just now, Silk said:

I can kind of see the merits of both ways here. It's definitely not something I've seen too often in straight up science fantasy. It was a great end to Chapter 4 and felt like a good place to take a break, but it DID make a rockier start to chapter 5 as I was expecting some time to have passed or something to have changed. That said, this might be fairly easy to tweak - Chapter 5 could be like 5 minutes later and he'd found a hiding spot that he's just now been flushed out of, or something along those lines.

I could have him pushing through people in his attempt to escape at the beginning. That could definitely make it a more intense start. Wonderful suggestion, thanks.

 

also @Robinski I actually found a little more with making Q a bit more likable. Q has two intense hatreds that make him how he is, however, I may have let that leak in places I don't have to, specifically with the meatshield. He hates Hosts, not everyone, so before he uses the person, he can apologize before flying and throwing the person. he will still take advantage of someone to save his life, he's desperate, but he'll still be apologetic. Would that make him more likable/understandable?

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6 hours ago, Silk said:

You’ve already identified a couple of options, which are to radically change his personality or to dial him back only somewhat. But you could also look at things like making his motivations clearer, which may may make him seem more interesting or sympathetic; you could change the fight scenes so that they feel like present a genuine danger.

Good point, and I gather that you've made Q more at risk in the earlier chapters, which I think certainly would help my perception. When you have him being cocky and self-righteous, then almost getting cut in half by a plasma gun that kind of undermines his egotism, which is good. When I make changes based on critique, I tend to make the smallest (meaningful) change I can so as not to break the original idea I had, but hopefully address the reaction.

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5 hours ago, Aspiring Writer said:

also @Robinski I actually found a little more with making Q a bit more likable. Q has two intense hatreds that make him how he is, however, I may have let that leak in places I don't have to, specifically with the meatshield. He hates Hosts, not everyone, so before he uses the person, he can apologize before flying and throwing the person. he will still take advantage of someone to save his life, he's desperate, but he'll still be apologetic. Would that make him more likable/understandable?

The short answer, I think, is yes. It's no less horrible what he does, but at least he acknowledges that it is a person he is using. I'm put in mind of Hans Gruber from Die Hard. Clearly, Gruber has a complete disregard for (most) human life, but he does still acknowledge his hostages as people. For that matter, he also faces setbacks, even when his plot is moving forward. And then, well...Spoiler!!

Spoiler

the ultimate setback of being dropped off a skyscraper

 I think his apology also fits nicely with his jokey tone, so good job with that. I note what @Silk said about not being aware of the surroundings and impact of the fight on the environment, and I had that same reaction, which I think I mentioned at one point. I think it can massively improve a fight scene just to note a little bit of setting, and handful of words. E.g. Q kicked X off the roof, watching her rip through colourful canopies and awnings on her way to the ground.' Dropping in a visual reference just helps to keep the reader tethered in reality while they read about 'unreal' things, makes those unreal thing resonate more with the reader, IMO.

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