Robinski Posted November 18, 2020 Report Share Posted November 18, 2020 Hah, so I'm throwing this out there for a bit of fun. Please feel free to comment as you see fit. The first piece (AMH) is a poem taken from the first novel that I ever wrote, at 225,000 word beast that I put together over about 12 years without having the faintest idea what is was doing other than copying the authors that I loved Tolkien, Eddings, Lewis. I've tweaked it around in a superficial way because it was just a bit too rough, be even now... Well, you be the judge. The important thing was that your fantasy novel had to have a poem in it, apparently. What do you mean there's no magic, do I need that too? Huh. The second piece (Jack) was a poem I wrote after completing a volume of poetry that I wrote between 1989 to 1991 (because I was in 'lurve'). So, the dozen some poems in that volume are all very misty-eyed and soppy. This one came along a year later, and isn't, I trust. Finally, a lyric (The Editor) that I decided at the time was an excellent idea. Probably, I spent about two hours doing this in stead of writing the project I was supposed to me writing (maybe the first Q and M book). Anyway, I think it's loads of fun, but you have to have the music running through your head at the time, as I have never taken the time to record it. If you can't figure the music, then you're probably too young to appreciate it! . I'll post it out, and if you can't guess it, or work it out, I'll tell you. And, maybe I'll record it, right around this time I'll record the music to the lyrics that @aeromancer wrote in that short story of his 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiedPiper Posted November 18, 2020 Report Share Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) A fine Wednesday afternoon for critiquing! A Mariner's Heart First: kudos to you for writing a rhyming poem. They're so hard. I liked the way you personified the sea, but I also wonder if it's something you could explore more? I think it's a very human attribute to ascribe life-like quality to something you love, and it would add to the sense of struggle -- of battle -- that this sailor talks about. (I personally happen to really like figurative devices, so I look for excuses to incorporate them where I can. Maybe that's not your thing.) Line 23 doesn't make a lot of sense to me: "I'd through swamps and deserts hot" -- it feels as though you've accidentally dropped a verb there. The first two stanzas have a pattern of repetition in the first line: "The sea, the sea, the helm's a game," and "A storm, a storm, a crashing beast," which creates an expectation that the pattern will be continued. When you don't, the transition into the third stanza feels a little strange, and I couldn't figure out why until I saw the pattern you'd established in the first two. Jack I love your imagery. It's very evocative. You use the word "cold" in both lines 12 and 14, but it doesn't seem like intentional repetition, just clunky. The line about the Mother's hair (line 20) is a little confusing. I'm not sure what hair is supposed to symbolize in this metaphor. There's a typo in line 35: I think "until out..." was supposed to be "until our." Line 40: "urging blood to stiff and silent fingers." Two things: 1) "to" is an awkward preposition here, and 2) I don't understand why the fingers are silent. Is this an underexplained metaphor? The same is true for the "fading toes" a line later Introducing a rhyme in the very last stanza "air, fair, there" makes it feel a little stilted. The Editor I do not know the tune for these lyrics. And I don't really know how to critique this one because I'm having a hard time figuring out what you're trying to do. I guess maybe that's something -- it doesn't feel very purposeful, and I get the sense that I'm missing something, some inside joke, as I read it. Maybe that's because I am, and it has something to do with the tune to which these lyrics are set? Edited November 18, 2020 by PiedPiper 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 19, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 Hey, thank for your comments, @PiedPiper. Much appreciated. Mariner - Yes, it's a bit of a cut-and-shut job. I wasn't happy with the arrangement of the stanzas, and quite hurriedly shuffled some of them around in this version. Your points are well made. Maybe sometime I'll spend a more considered hour to two on re-writing it 'properly'. Jack - Again, good points, and I'm happy to take these onboard. Repetition is to be avoided, and typo, yes. Silent fingers, fading toes: it's to do with numbness, but that could be clearer. I'll be interested to see if anyone else picked that. Writer - Yes, definitely. Without the music, and knowing the song, this has little merit at all. The song is... Spoiler The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers ...which again, may not help you a jot if you do not know it. For some of us 'old folks', or musos (looking at you, @Silk), it's a classic. Thanks for reading! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 20, 2020 Report Share Posted November 20, 2020 More poems! A Mariner's Heart "Yet I yearn not for homely shore" might scan better as "I yearn not for the homely shore" Definitely very Tolkien. It's sort of a cross between some of the tavern songs he has and the more "poetic" poems the elves have. I think I did some of these way back in the day myself, with similar results. Jack I have to say, this one's a little beyond me. It's very evocative, but I'm not quite sure what it's saying. The "Mother" line also confused me, and made me think this was Jack Frost, but then the rest of the progression through the seasons doesn't seem to make sense with that. I'm also a little unsure who "us" and "she" and "him" are, but then this might just be over my head. My favorite poems are more of the ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM variety, if you get my meaning (which is why I enjoyed the first one more). The Editor Ha! Very fun. Although I also greatly admire Weird Al's genius, and this is right on target for me. Not much to say on this one. The beats are all there, and very true for editing. Seems like you've hit a similarity between authors and poker players! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2020 Thank you, @Mandamon. I'm going to redouble my efforts to record something soon. Singing seems like a good way to react to all the BS at the moment, and I don't mean Brandon Sanderson, obvs 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah B Posted November 20, 2020 Report Share Posted November 20, 2020 Mar's Heart: This one is just fun, it reads like a sea shanty. In my head, it goes to the Tune of "Pump Shanty" Three lines jumped out at me as not fitting as well as the rest: 1st stanza, last line 2nd stanza, first line 6th stanza, third line Jack: I can't think of much to say on this one, there's an interesting shift in the third stanza and then the 5th. I like the moody imagery. The editor: I can say that I not only recognize the song, I have heard it in vinyl :-) I think you're drafting the first track on the official reading excuses sound track. Thanks for sharing 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiedPiper Posted November 21, 2020 Report Share Posted November 21, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Mandamon said: "Yet I yearn not for homely shore" might scan better as "I yearn not for the homely shore" I disagree, actually. The word choice of "for" and "shore" adds an extra rhyme that doesn't fit in the rhyme scheme, which makes the flow worse in the context of the poem. Edited November 21, 2020 by PiedPiper 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2020 (edited) On 21/11/2020 at 2:34 AM, PiedPiper said: I disagree, actually. The word choice of "for" and "shore" adds an extra rhyme that doesn't fit in the rhyme scheme, which makes the flow worse in the context of the poem. Poetry cage match!!!!! Edited November 22, 2020 by Robinski 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snakenaps Posted November 22, 2020 Report Share Posted November 22, 2020 I am going to start this off with I am not good with poetry. To quote myself from an earlier thread..."I unfortunately read like...zero...poetry so I feel like I can't critique this well. My thoughts were, 'This is a poem. It does poem things with words.'" AMH: I mean, you don't even need the title for me to figure out what this poem's about. Which says something, because generally I am super confused about what is going on in a poem. It feels old (I can't tell if that is from the wording, the "lo" or the shortening of words with apostrophes) and has very vivid imagery. I can give no opinions to how it is written. I know nothing about writing poetry. Jack: This is a poem. It does poem things with words. It's talking about winter and death from hypothermia but thankfully there are space heaters and summer. Right? God, I swear, unless it is Shel Silverstein or Dr. Seuss, I am horrible with poetry. The Editor: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I loved this. I totally belted this out to the confusion of my cat. I'm going to definitely be singing this for the rest of the day. On 11/20/2020 at 10:30 AM, Sarah B said: I think you're drafting the first track on the official reading excuses sound track. Spoiler 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PiedPiper Posted November 22, 2020 Report Share Posted November 22, 2020 6 hours ago, Robinski said: Poetry cage match!!!!! It's your poem. Whatever you decide will be the correct choice. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2020 2 hours ago, PiedPiper said: It's your poem. Whatever you decide will be the correct choice. I (jokingly!) meant between you and @Mandamon, since you disagreed about something. But is was joking, in a joking way, so as to imply humour, and not in any way trying to foment strife. (And Mandamon knows martial arts--although those may be less helpful in a poetry cage match.) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2020 4 hours ago, Snakenaps said: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I loved this. I totally belted this out to the confusion of my cat. I'm going to definitely be singing this for the rest of the day. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 23, 2020 Report Share Posted November 23, 2020 15 hours ago, Robinski said: (And Mandamon knows martial arts--although those may be less helpful in a poetry cage match.) Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 23, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2020 8 hours ago, Mandamon said: Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch... Ooh, that sounds like some Brandon Sanderson magic right there. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted November 23, 2020 Report Share Posted November 23, 2020 9 hours ago, Mandamon said: Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch... 40 minutes ago, Robinski said: Ooh, that sounds like some Brandon Sanderson magic right there. Or like Bard magic from DnD Also, ironically, that's a super lyrical sentence 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted November 23, 2020 Report Share Posted November 23, 2020 46 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said: Or like Bard magic from DnD Also, ironically, that's a super lyrical sentence Coincidentally, I'm playing a bard in one of the campaigns I'm in...of the College of Whispers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2020 Lol, D'n'D, another thing I have done basically none of, despite having spent several decades roleplaying 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted November 25, 2020 Report Share Posted November 25, 2020 On 11/23/2020 at 5:37 AM, Mandamon said: Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch... Haven't read the sub yet (sorry! I will, swear!) but I have a SavageWorlds superhero character who can do this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aspiring Writer Posted November 25, 2020 Report Share Posted November 25, 2020 Alright, poetry is not my strong suit, so forgive me in advance. First one "and will it ever end?" I'd recommend changing this, it feels very abrupt in the wrong way. Overall, nice, I could envision some sailor saying this in front of a crowd like Hoid, and was quite enjoyable. Second one (Never mind, this is not something I feel confident judging. Not my forte.) Third one Very... unique. Certainly like the word play of the blue sections, and the start made me want to know where this was going. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 25, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2020 16 hours ago, Silk said: Haven't read the sub yet (sorry! I will, swear!) but I have a SavageWorlds superhero character who can do this. Never, ever any pressure...or rush. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 25, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 25, 2020 Hey, thanks for reading, @Aspiring Writer Yeah, I'd say poetry was a phase I went through, in and around my songwriting/being in bands period. I'm not expecting any analytical critique from anyone, an honest reaction is just fine. (one) - Cool. That is basically the scenario it's delivered in in the novel. A group travelling to the capital city boards a ship. One of them is a playwright and actor, and delivers this standing on the deck. He is--as usual--overacting somewhat, since they are on an inland lake, and storms are...unlikely. (two) - No sweat. (three) - Today, I started practicing playing the song, tweaked some of the words, and added another verse. I still aim to record it in the next coupe of weeks, Mac permitting. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snakenaps Posted November 25, 2020 Report Share Posted November 25, 2020 30 minutes ago, Robinski said: Today, I started practicing playing the song, tweaked some of the words, and added another verse. I still aim to record it in the next coupe of weeks, Mac permitting. Do I get to hear this version in your wonderful Scottish brogue? Or do I just get to belt it out myself for my cat? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted November 26, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 15 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Do I get to hear this version in your wonderful Scottish brogue? Or do I just get to belt it out myself for my cat? Yeah, I'll put it up here, but there's no freakin' way I'm singing the melodies to The Gambler in Scots. I will being singing in American. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snakenaps Posted November 26, 2020 Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 4 hours ago, Robinski said: Yeah, I'll put it up here, but there's no freakin' way I'm singing the melodies to The Gambler in Scots. I will being singing in American. Booooo. I can't do accents, so I'm jealous. I literally can't hear them in my head unless I am actively hearing them in real life. It's like my brain forgets what accents sound like without constant input. Which means I am always stuck in American. Californian American, I suppose, with all my dudes and rads. At least I don't say woke. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginger_reckoning Posted November 26, 2020 Report Share Posted November 26, 2020 1 hour ago, Snakenaps said: At least I don't say woke Bruh. I'm shook. No need to flex on us like that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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