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Robinski

201118 - A Triptych of Poems (sort of, but not really) - Robinski (no tags) - 870 words

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Hah, so I'm throwing this out there for a bit of fun. Please feel free to comment as you see fit.

The first piece (AMH) is a poem taken from the first novel that I ever wrote, at 225,000 word beast that I put together over about 12 years without having the faintest idea what is was doing other than copying the authors that I loved Tolkien, Eddings, Lewis. I've tweaked it around in a superficial way because it was just a bit too rough, be even now... Well, you be the judge. The important thing was that your fantasy novel had to have a poem in it, apparently. What do you mean there's no magic, do I need that too? Huh.

The second piece (Jack) was a poem I wrote after completing a volume of poetry that I wrote between 1989 to 1991 (because I was in 'lurve'). So, the dozen some poems in that volume are all very misty-eyed and soppy. This one came along a year later, and isn't, I trust.

Finally, a lyric (The Editor) that I decided at the time was an excellent idea. Probably, I spent about two hours doing this in stead of writing the project I was supposed to me writing (maybe the first Q and M book). Anyway, I think it's loads of fun, but you have to have the music running through your head at the time, as I have never taken the time to record it. If you can't figure the music, then you're probably too young to appreciate it! :P. I'll post it out, and if you can't guess it, or work it out, I'll tell you. And, maybe I'll record it, right around this time I'll record the music to the lyrics that @aeromancer wrote in that short story of his :rolleyes: 

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A fine Wednesday afternoon for critiquing!

A Mariner's Heart

First: kudos to you for writing a rhyming poem. They're so hard.

I liked the way you personified the sea, but I also wonder if it's something you could explore more? I think it's a very human attribute to ascribe life-like quality to something you love, and it would add to the sense of struggle -- of battle -- that this sailor talks about. (I personally happen to really like figurative devices, so I look for excuses to incorporate them where I can. Maybe that's not your thing.)

Line 23 doesn't make a lot of sense to me: "I'd through swamps and deserts hot" -- it feels as though you've accidentally dropped a verb there.

The first two stanzas have a pattern of repetition in the first line: "The sea, the sea, the helm's a game," and "A storm, a storm, a crashing beast," which creates an expectation that the pattern will be continued. When you don't, the transition into the third stanza feels a little strange, and I couldn't figure out why until I saw the pattern you'd established in the first two.

Jack

I love your imagery. It's very evocative.

You use the word "cold" in both lines 12 and 14, but it doesn't seem like intentional repetition, just clunky.

The line about the Mother's hair (line 20) is a little confusing. I'm not sure what hair is supposed to symbolize in this metaphor.

There's a typo in line 35: I think "until out..." was supposed to be "until our."

Line 40: "urging blood to stiff and silent fingers." Two things: 1) "to" is an awkward preposition here, and 2) I don't understand why the fingers are silent. Is this an underexplained metaphor? The same is true for the "fading toes" a line later

Introducing a rhyme in the very last stanza "air, fair, there" makes it feel a little stilted.

The Editor

I do not know the tune for these lyrics.

And I don't really know how to critique this one because I'm having a hard time figuring out what you're trying to do.

I guess maybe that's something -- it doesn't feel very purposeful, and I get the sense that I'm missing something, some inside joke, as I read it. Maybe that's because I am, and it has something to do with the tune to which these lyrics are set?

Edited by PiedPiper
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Hey, thank for your comments, @PiedPiper. Much appreciated.

Mariner - Yes, it's a bit of a cut-and-shut job. I wasn't happy with the arrangement of the stanzas, and quite hurriedly shuffled some of them around in this version. Your points are well made. Maybe sometime I'll spend a more considered hour to two on re-writing it 'properly'.

Jack - Again, good points, and I'm happy to take these onboard. Repetition is to be avoided, and typo, yes. Silent fingers, fading toes: it's to do with numbness, but that could be clearer. I'll be interested to see if anyone else picked that.

Writer - Yes, definitely. Without the music, and knowing the song, this has little merit at all. The song is...

Spoiler

The Gambler, by Kenny Rogers

...which again, may not help you a jot if you do not know it. For some of us 'old folks', or musos (looking at you, @Silk), it's a classic.

Thanks for reading! :) 

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More poems!

A Mariner's Heart
"Yet I yearn not for homely shore" might scan better as "I yearn not for the homely shore"

Definitely very Tolkien. It's sort of a cross between some of the tavern songs he has and the more "poetic" poems the elves have. I think I did some of these way back in the day myself, with similar results.

Jack
I have to say, this one's a little beyond me. It's very evocative, but I'm not quite sure what it's saying. The "Mother" line also confused me, and made me think this was Jack Frost, but then the rest of the progression through the seasons doesn't seem to make sense with that. I'm also a little unsure who "us" and "she" and "him" are, but then this might just be over my head. My favorite poems are more of the ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM variety, if you get my meaning (which is why I enjoyed the first one more).

The Editor
Ha! Very fun. Although I also greatly admire Weird Al's genius, and this is right on target for me. Not much to say on this one. The beats are all there, and very true for editing. Seems like you've hit a similarity between authors and poker players!

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Thank you, @Mandamon. I'm going to redouble my efforts to record something soon. Singing seems like a good way to react to all the BS at the moment, and I don't mean Brandon Sanderson, obvs ;) 

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Mar's Heart:

This one is just fun, it reads like a sea shanty. In my head, it goes to the Tune of "Pump Shanty" 

Three lines jumped out at me as not fitting as well as the rest:

1st stanza, last line

2nd stanza, first line

6th stanza, third line

Jack:

I can't think of much to say on this one, there's an interesting shift in the third stanza and then the 5th. I like the moody imagery.

The editor:

I can say that I not only recognize the song, I have heard it in vinyl :-)

I think you're drafting the first track on the official reading excuses sound track. 

 

Thanks for sharing

 

 

 

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11 hours ago, Mandamon said:

"Yet I yearn not for homely shore" might scan better as "I yearn not for the homely shore"

I disagree, actually. The word choice of "for" and "shore" adds an extra rhyme that doesn't fit in the rhyme scheme, which makes the flow worse in the context of the poem.

Edited by PiedPiper
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On 21/11/2020 at 2:34 AM, PiedPiper said:

I disagree, actually. The word choice of "for" and "shore" adds an extra rhyme that doesn't fit in the rhyme scheme, which makes the flow worse in the context of the poem.

Poetry cage match!!!!!   ;) 

Edited by Robinski
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I am going to start this off with I am not good with poetry. To quote myself from an earlier thread..."I unfortunately read like...zero...poetry so I feel like I can't critique this well. My thoughts were, 'This is a poem. It does poem things with words.'"

AMH:

I mean, you don't even need the title for me to figure out what this poem's about. Which says something, because generally I am super confused about what is going on in a poem. It feels old (I can't tell if that is from the wording, the "lo" or the shortening of words with apostrophes) and has very vivid imagery. 

I can give no opinions to how it is written. I know nothing about writing poetry.

Jack: 

This is a poem. It does poem things with words. It's talking about winter and death from hypothermia but thankfully there are space heaters and summer. Right? 

God, I swear, unless it is Shel Silverstein or Dr. Seuss, I am horrible with poetry.

The Editor:

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I loved this. I totally belted this out to the confusion of my cat. I'm going to definitely be singing this for the rest of the day. 

On 11/20/2020 at 10:30 AM, Sarah B said:

I think you're drafting the first track on the official reading excuses sound track. 

Spoiler

Shut Up And Take My Money! | Know Your Meme

 

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6 hours ago, Robinski said:

Poetry cage match!!!!!   ;) 

It's your poem. Whatever you decide will be the correct choice.

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2 hours ago, PiedPiper said:

It's your poem. Whatever you decide will be the correct choice.

I (jokingly!) meant between you and @Mandamon, since you disagreed about something. But is was joking, in a joking way, so as to imply humour, and not in any way trying to foment strife. (And Mandamon knows martial arts--although those may be less helpful in a poetry cage match.)

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4 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I loved this. I totally belted this out to the confusion of my cat. I'm going to definitely be singing this for the rest of the day.

:D 

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15 hours ago, Robinski said:

(And Mandamon knows martial arts--although those may be less helpful in a poetry cage match.)

Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch...

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8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch...

Ooh, that sounds like some Brandon Sanderson magic right there.

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9 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch...

40 minutes ago, Robinski said:

Ooh, that sounds like some Brandon Sanderson magic right there.

Or like Bard magic from DnD :P 

Also, ironically, that's a super lyrical sentence

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46 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said:

Or like Bard magic from DnD :P 

Also, ironically, that's a super lyrical sentence

Coincidentally, I'm playing a bard in one of the campaigns I'm in...of the College of Whispers.

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Lol, D'n'D, another thing I have done basically none of, despite having spent several decades roleplaying :lol: 

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