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Snakenaps

1,16,2020 - Snakenaps - Name of the King - D3 Chapters 25/26 (4,488 words combined)(V)

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Two chapters up for your amusement this week. Violence warning on both, although minorly on the first.

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Not a whole lot to comment on. I think these chapters have a lot of tension, which is definitely needed at this point. However, they also show off how naive and ineffective the revolutionaries are. I still think S is one of the weakest characters, when she needs to be quite strong as an antagonist to both Ir. and the B.K. Some better foundation in what the revolution is doing or the successes it's had would be good.

 

Notes while reading:

Ch 25
pg 1: "her guard duty began"
--maybe WRS, but when did she go on guard duty?
--ah, explained further down the page

pg 1: "sharply decreasing reserves of magic"
--we still need some indication of how magic reserves work and why/how she is low

pg 2: "few who wanted into the palace"
--"there were few..."?
--also, there seems to be quite a lot coming in, despite saying there are only a few.

pg 6: "number of resignations the palace was facing"
--from what? The riots? The king being from the feylands?

pg 6: "However, we can’t ignore its effectiveness.”"
--I mean, really the gate seems like a perfect place to put Ir. permanently.

pg 8: The sidenote at the end of the chapter is nice, but I really want to see more of what the B.K.is doing with all this planning.


Ch 26
pg 8: "She swung her hands back and forth, humming "
--isn't she still injured from the attack? I can tell you from personal experience, she's not going to be doing anything quickly for a few days with bruised or broken ribs.

pg 10: "but today he’ll be executed for the attempted murder"
--I mean yes, but that's sort of the point, isn't it? Did S expect there to be no complications and for the assassination attempt to work easily on the first try? This adds to the other evidence that the revolutionaries really have idea what they're doing. S even knew Ir. was working in the castle, but sent someone in using a false name.

pg 12: “I want to know why I’m here. Really here"
--I think this is something that's been missing the whole book.

pg 14: "Please, he didn’t deserve this"
--again, these people have been through literal war, so we've been told. Not justifying G's death (though I do think they expected more than was possible), but they would likely have seen a lot of this previously.

pg 16: ", but Ir only felt the absence of her sister."
--she's been estranged from S for a while now. I wouldn't think that was the bigest thing on her mind.

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11 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

However, they also show off how naive and ineffective the revolutionaries are. I still think S is one of the weakest characters, when she needs to be quite strong as an antagonist to both Ir. and the B.K.

Completely agree. It doesn't help that, IMO, I accidentally weakened Sue in this draft instead of strengthening her. 

12 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

Some better foundation in what the revolution is doing or the successes it's had would be good.

Again, completely agree. I think once I have figured out what both the BK's government looks like as well as the previous one, I'll be able to nail down exactly when the Revolutionaries want. 

Thank you @Mandamon !

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Ok, gotta say, I've been liking where the chapters have been going lately, and this week did not disappoint. The scene with the guillotine is one of the most impactful so far. However, there were a few little things that distracted me from the overall impact. 

pg 10: "G, with heavy hooves,..." I Thiiiiink might flow better with "G crossed the stage with heavy hooves. The sentence was just a little clunky. 

pg 11: "the iron, weighted" I think it flows better as "weighted iron blade" 

"R, help her look away" the way this is phrased is almost like the narrator is asking R to help her. I think if it was "R, help me look away" as an italicized thought, it would work better. 

"like gunshot" gunshots, since she takes more than one step. 

I think I'm with @Mandamon on a couple of points. I think it would be nice to have Ir questioning BK more throughout the whole book, and wondering why she is really there. I also do think that the ram probably had very little chance of actually succeeding. Also, I got excited that maybe she would eavesdrop on some juicy stuff on the end of the first chapter, but then it was just some conspiracy theories. A little sad about that. 

And, for a little retroactive thought on the last sub:

I think that if you were to have them find S's husband after the scene with the ram, it would work better. Then, you have some tension of "Will they find him? is he ok?" while she's on the job and Ir can be worrying about him before getting attacked. Then she goes home, sees that he's alright, gets happy but then her ribs hurt, etc etc

He also wouldn't be gone for too long, and is still present for the guillotine scene. Anyway that's my thoughts on the matter. 

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31 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said:

Also, I got excited that maybe she would eavesdrop on some juicy stuff on the end of the first chapter, but then it was just some conspiracy theories. A little sad about that. 

This was new to this draft. Tempted to make it juicer but not so juicy it is cliche. 

31 minutes ago, ginger_reckoning said:

I think that if you were to have them find S's husband after the scene with the ram, it would work better.

This is...not something I have thought about before...

Thank you @ginger_reckoning!

Edited by Snakenaps
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I have to second the comment about Ir's injuries. Rib injuries can last for weeks and arm swinging and waving with bruised ribs is not fun. Depending on how bad, neither is raising your voice or breathing. Sometimes binding around the ribs with long strips or koban (modern) can help take the edge of the pain, so long as it's not too tight. 

Nice inclusion of asprin in Ir's treatment! A lot of people forget how long people have used it as medicine. Cocaine leaves were also used as early analgesics, chewed or topically, just in case that's helpful. The unprocessed leaves are still used as a medicinal tea for migrains and altitude sickness in some areas. 

Not much for me to add besides what's been said. I actively dislike S as a character, which makes her a solid antagonist, if only to emotionally sabotage Ir. The fact that I find myself cringing when she shows up tells me you are doing your job as a writer and making me worry for Ir. Well done!

Thanks for sharing

 

 

 

 

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These chapters were great. There was a ton of tension, forward movement, and emotion. 

I was very disoriented at the begining because I didn't recall any hint of her having been assigned guard duty or learning that it was even something she could potentially do at the palace. When it was finally explained, it all made sense though. 

Seeing I not even hesitate to give the name was interesting. The way the ram attacked and ran cued me in pretty quickly that he had bad intentions and was done for. I love how I is thinking of S while getting treated, wanting to help with her injuries, and hardly has a spare thought about whether the ram was with the revs or not. 

Overhearing the detail about people speculating about the BK thinking of conquering the fey lands was interesting. 

I was a tiny bit confused about the end results of I's convo with P. I almost want a little more between I leaving and then coming up with the plan. I kind of wanted to see her thought process as she came to that decisions. 

I apparently did not make any more comments in my kindle after that. 

I thought the imagery around S showing up was very powerful. I's reaction to the execution and S was full of emotion and tension and seemed spot on for I. 

On 11/17/2020 at 11:31 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

I also do think that the ram probably had very little chance of actually succeeding.

This. 

S really rubs it in to I that this is her fault, that she is responsible for this dead. I can't tell to what end S is being naive or whether she is just being downright manipulative and cruel because that ram's mission seemed doomed, seemed like a suicide mission. Even without I, did anyone really think poison wine was going to work? I assume BK has people check for poison. If they thought that was going to work, they're not very effective rebels. And if your intention is to show that, it's fine. 

But I think the others make some valid points about S and the revolutionaries.

But as far as I, her actions, emotions, and reactions? You nailed it.  

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Comments! :) 

Chapter 25

(page 1)

- "Ir had been reassigned to temporary guard duty at the servants gate" - This is very repetitive phrasing. This is the 3rd time, I think, that you've introduced this idea as if it was the first time it's mentioned.

(page 2)

- I like the intercutting of the names and Ir's inner thoughts, however, the narrative itself reads quite choppy to me. Not just because of the interspersing of the names.

- The line after the wrong name deserves to be it's own paragraph; it's that momentous. Also, don't state the obvious (That name didn't match!), let the reader have that moment of discovery: way more satisfying for them.

(page 3)

- "the guards reacted like lightning" - POV issue: Ir can't know that, she's probably got concussion.

- comments are rather spare in here, but I'll send you some LBLs.

(page 5)

- "can cause drowsiness" - ROFL, yeah drowsiness, that's the problem with opium :lol:. Nice line.

(page 8)

- "Their voices quieted..." - Who's voices? I'd appreciate a little analysis. Is it two males, female/male? If she's interested enough to listen in, is she not interested enough to know who's speaking?

Chapter 26

(page 10)

- "didn’t want to be involved anymore" - I like this change from Draft 2, that Ir is move actively involved in making decisions about how she acts.

(page 11)

- "A group of sheep" - flock, surely?

- Very strong emotion here, that's nicely done. And the sisterly conflict is massive, and difficult to take sides in, comfortably anyway. I mean, I'm on Ir's side, but it's hard not to have some sympathy for Sue's POV.

- "Your city? Your family. Me?" - It seems to me there are several instances of the rule of three on these pages. Do it enough, and it starts to feel repetitive.

- Yes, good emotional impact through the end of the chapter.

Overall

I'm on board with the changes. It's hard to pick out particularly meaningful comments so soon after reading the whole thing through, but this feels like increased stakes; faster and smoother progress. Good job :) 

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On 11/21/2020 at 2:29 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

These chapters were great. There was a ton of tension, forward movement, and emotion. 

 

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

I'm on board with the changes. It's hard to pick out particularly meaningful comments so soon after reading the whole thing through, but this feels like increased stakes; faster and smoother progress. Good job :) 

 

On 11/17/2020 at 8:31 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

Ok, gotta say, I've been liking where the chapters have been going lately, and this week did not disappoint.

Considering what a massive struggle these last chapters have been, it feels so good to hear that I am going in the right direction, even if they aren't quite perfect!

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PG 1- Interesting. Like seeing how her new position is draining her, and her job makes sense considering her abilities. Also, love how you convey how mind-nubbing it is for her.

PG 2- "few who wanted into the palace." This sounds awkward. Maybe add a 'there were' at the front or remove the 'who'

loving the descriptions.

Great way to introduce that moment, with her having to refocus.

"Fear met fear" This line confuses me.

PG 3-4 - all looks good.

PG 5- nice touch with the painful bow.

PG 6- Find another word for thankfully. It sounds off. Maybe gratefully?

PG 7-8- all looks good.

Pg 9- hmm for my first impression, I'm not liking SB

PG 10-11- quite impactful. very well crafted.

PG 12- I think you misspelled never as ever

PG 13- Hmm so she can bow now. So has it been two weeks? Because the amount of time that has passed has been unclear.

PG 14-15 - "Both of them knew that only the worst of flus kept her from working. It was something drilled into her from the restaurant business." Wait what? The restaurant business of serving food taught her to work unless really really sick? That seems like a very poor health standard. I would never eat there if I knew about that.

PG 16- Nice way to see the turmoil she is having.

 

All around, pretty decent. Not much to say, as I haven't red previous chapters, but everything seems to check out.

 

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16 minutes ago, Aspiring Writer said:

Not much to say, as I haven't red previous chapters, but everything seems to check out.

Were you the one reading my chapter-by-chapter summaries while I was adding to them? 

If you have any questions, let me know. You can also find character bios at my website if you need them. Some of the world stuff is out of date. We've got roughly two more months of chapters, so you'll be seeing a lot of me if you stick around. 

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14 minutes ago, Snakenaps said:

Were you the one reading my chapter-by-chapter summaries while I was adding to them? 

If you have any questions, let me know. You can also find character bios at my website if you need them. Some of the world stuff is out of date. We've got roughly two more months of chapters, so you'll be seeing a lot of me if you stick around. 

Well, I'm confused by all the animal stuff. where is that explained? Also yeah, that was me.

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5 minutes ago, Aspiring Writer said:

Well, I'm confused by all the animal stuff. where is that explained? Also yeah, that was me.

The world is populated by three groups:

1) Civilized creatures: Humans, unicorns, talking dogs, etc. A creature capable of intelligent thought. Essentially, a human mind in various bodies. 

2) Mundane animals: Non-talking animals, fish, insects, dolphins, whales. Normal animals like what we have on earth. 

3) Fey: Sphinxes, fairies, phookas, etc. Compassion-less, highly magical, intelligent creatures trapped up in the Feylands. Monsters. 

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