Our Writing Except Everything's Out of Context

[Flying]

Alright, so I’ve been trying to write more lately, and even though I try to write serious scenes, I get distracted and end up writing the pieces of dialogue that I think are either weird or funny. I think it would be hilarious if we had a thread where we just posted scenes from our stories and gave absolutely no context at all. It’s kind of like those Youtube videos where they just edit shows and take random things out of context, except we’ll be doing it with our writing. 

I don’t even know if people are going to find these funny or not, but I’ll start the thread off with the parts of my writing that I just randomly think about and start laughing. Keep in mind that I’m not the greatest writer, but I have so much fun making my characters act like absolute dorks. Fair warning, I haven’t shown these to anyone so I have no feedback at all and therefore don’t know if they’re not funny/painful to read.

Spoiler

“Everyone is always talking about how you shouldn’t judge people by their outward appearance, but instead by what’s on the inside. However, being the daughter of a surgeon, I have only found myself unsure whether to be disgusted or fascinated.”

 

Spoiler

“Cal says I have the damn finest set of internal organs he’s ever seen,” Amral declared proudly, sitting up in his hospital bed and looking around as the surgeons nearby stared at him. 

“That’s not what I said,” Calevar responded, exasperated. “I said that they’re doing a remarkably fine job of healing after that blow you took to the stomach.” 

“Sure, Cal,” Amral muttered, rolling his eyes. “You’re just not willing to admit that my organs are prettier than yours.” 

 

Spoiler

“You can make any weapon you want, Kalani,” Sygrial pleaded. “How about next time we try something different?”

Vashkril watched as Kalani frowned and hefted that odd spear he’d seen her holding a lot recently. Kalani looked at Sygs, narrowing her eyes with displeasure. “Alright, then,” she said. “What did you have in mind?” 

“Whatever you want to do,” the specter responded. “But I’ve been thinking a scythe would be fun.” 

Kalani scoffed immediately. “A scythe? There’s no way I’m fighting with one of those; it’s just a glorified farming tool.” 

“Well, a spear is just a glorified stick,” Sygs snapped, crossing her arms.

“Either way, I prefer to stick to what I’m used to.” 

 

Spoiler

“Don’t you have a fear of heights?” Kalani asked, watching curiously as Heath stopped walking and positioned himself at the edge of the cliff. 

Heath was staring at the rift below, his eyes widening and his face paling with horror. “Guardians above,” he whispered. “The bottom of that chasm is really far down. I can’t believe we’re this high up.”

Vashkril snorted, arms folded as he leaned against a nearby boulder. “I can throw you off the cliff,” he offered. “That should fix the height problem.”

 

Spoiler

Deceit was no stranger to mistakes. In truth, he was well acquainted with them. For example, just within the past few months alone, he’d broken his flute a total of four times. The first three times had been accidents. After that, he’d decided that if he was going to inevitably break his flute a fourth time, he might as well try to do it in an exciting way and add some flair to his life. So he’d violently thrown it at an unsuspecting wall. A few minutes following this action, he’d held the remains of his once beautiful instrument and realized that he probably shouldn’t have done what he had done. A purposeful attack on a flute, as it turns out, was a lot more effective than an accidental one.

 

[Kureshi Ironclaw]

This is a fun idea. I have trouble removing things from context because I like to lay setup for a while before delivering a punchline, but here are some (I think) funny moments that work pretty well without setup.

Spoiler

"Are there any beans in this one?" Felise asked.
Yard peered into the bowl. He pointed. "There's one there. Darned biggest bean I've ever seen."
"That's a cucumber."
"Never heard of it."

 

Spoiler

“Hold your left arm above the elbow and flex your left hand in and out,” Dorian said, affixing the needle to the syringe. He couldn’t help but be annoyed that he had to use one of his needles to save someone from a stupid mistake which could have been avoided. They were reusable, but each use made infection more likely, and made the needle weaker.
“Why?” Eiten demanded.
“So you don’t die.”
“You said I wasn’t going to die.”
“Anti-venom won’t save you from yourself.”

 

Spoiler

Eiten pitched sideways and retched onto the sand, bile and saliva spraying from his mouth. He coughed and shuddered then righted himself, wiping tears from his eyes with the backs of his hands. “What—? What was that?” He stammered shaking his head, lucidity fast returning. “Your anti-venom isn’t working!”
“It is,” Dorian grunted. “Get up. You’re ready to go.”
Eiten clutched his stomach and groaned. “I feel awful!”
“Better than feeling dead. Get up.”

 

If you like my jokes I will go digging for more, and potentially find motivation to write some new ones.

[Flying]

36 minutes ago, Kureshi Ironclaw said:

This is a fun idea. I have trouble removing things from context because I like to lay setup for a while before delivering a punchline, but here are some (I think) funny moments that work pretty well without setup.

  Reveal hidden contents

"Are there any beans in this one?" Felise asked.
Yard peered into the bowl. He pointed. "There's one there. Darned biggest bean I've ever seen."
"That's a cucumber."
"Never heard of it."

 

  Reveal hidden contents

“Hold your left arm above the elbow and flex your left hand in and out,” Dorian said, affixing the needle to the syringe. He couldn’t help but be annoyed that he had to use one of his needles to save someone from a stupid mistake which could have been avoided. They were reusable, but each use made infection more likely, and made the needle weaker.
“Why?” Eiten demanded.
“So you don’t die.”
“You said I wasn’t going to die.”
“Anti-venom won’t save you from yourself.”

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Eiten pitched sideways and retched onto the sand, bile and saliva spraying from his mouth. He coughed and shuddered then righted himself, wiping tears from his eyes with the backs of his hands. “What—? What was that?” He stammered shaking his head, lucidity fast returning. “Your anti-venom isn’t working!”
“It is,” Dorian grunted. “Get up. You’re ready to go.”
Eiten clutched his stomach and groaned. “I feel awful!”
“Better than feeling dead. Get up.”

 

If you like my jokes I will go digging for more, and potentially find motivation to write some new ones.

The cucumber one actually made me laugh really hard. I also like how the characters interact with each other; Dorian and Eiten seem like a duo that'd have a lot of funny interactions. And yeah, I'm honestly also using this as motivation to write more jokes because I have so many in my head that I just haven't written down yet. 

[Shard of Reading]

@Channelknight Fadran, @Aspiring Writer get over here.

I personally don't write but I think that this has the potential to take all my upvotes for the day.

Spoiler

 

[Aspiring Writer]

2 hours ago, Shard of Reading said:

@Channelknight Fadran, @Aspiring Writer get over here.

I personally don't write but I think that this has the potential to take all my upvotes for the day.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Um, so should I make random stuff to shove in the thread, or should I get stuff from my book, and if the latter, should it only be stuff I uploaded or even chapters not yet to be seen?

 

(Speaking of, Chapter Sixteen is coming out today, so I could do something here before releasing it there.)

Edited November 9, 2020 by Aspiring Writer

[Shard of Reading]

Just now, Aspiring Writer said:

Um, so should I make random stuff to shove in the thread, or should I get stuff from my book, and if the latter, should it only be stuff I uploaded or even chapters not yet to be seen?

It should probably stuff you haven't posted yet.

[Aspiring Writer]

2 minutes ago, Shard of Reading said:

It should probably stuff you haven't posted yet.

Well, have fun trying to make sense of these.

Spoiler

So, either he got his stuff back or there is a facility that’s going to be blown up. It was a win-win either way.

Spoiler

The Mackie spread his arms, blocking him from going any further, earning a kick to his balls. He, surprisingly, remained on his feet, though he grimaced in pain.

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“No, he’s in Divine. The other Victory Squad members is David Bors, the human with a mullet, Ar’san Crennic, the Philies who has a sucker, and Vick Raken, the human female over there.”

 

[Shard of Reading]

@Aspiring Writer the first one is really funny.

[Flying]

@Aspiring Writer I love how in the third one that one guy is just described as "the human with a mullet". 

[Channelknight Fadran]

*Ahem*

Spoiler

“What’s your name?” She asked.
“You can call me Fadran. What about you?”
She hesitated. “I’m… I’m Kendrea.”
“That’s a nice name,” Fadran decided, “would you mind if I added it to my collection?”

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“Tighter!” Dain called. “Points up, men! You aren’t going to stop a charging barrage of demons by stabbing their knees."

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“We’re a bunch of teenagers in a dorm room! I expect that the teachers’ll find us collapsed on the floor when we’re supposed to come into class tomorrow."

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“Hey, as the worst person to ever walk the Iconar Collective, I think I would know a nice person when I see them.”
“It’d take one to know one.”
Lacy’s eyes widened in shock. “Did you just… use an insult… to compliment me… but use that compliment to insult me anyways?”

Spoiler

“Alright!” Professor Eldon said. “Who wants to throw around some fireballs?”

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“How do I…” He splayed his fingers and made an explosion noise in the back of his throat.

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“Latrine duty,” Mareth decided.

Spoiler

“Can’t trust… domestic product.” Lacy added drowsily. 

Spoiler

"‘Hey, have you seen a person recently? We don’t know who they are or what they look like.’”

 

Edited November 9, 2020 by Channelknight Fadran

[Mage]

Okay, so when I am just drafting I am not that funny. I have to plan it more, and then implement the humor, but I did manage to find this in my manuscript. It might be a little bit funny, especially when taken out of context.

Spoiler

“Well,” Gordge said, then paused, “I outrank you, so you have to obey my orders. End of discussion. 5 seconds until you need to jump.”

 

[Kureshi Ironclaw]

22 hours ago, weiss_kwispies said:

The cucumber one actually made me laugh really hard. I also like how the characters interact with each other; Dorian and Eiten seem like a duo that'd have a lot of funny interactions. And yeah, I'm honestly also using this as motivation to write more jokes because I have so many in my head that I just haven't written down yet. 

Thanks, the cucumber consistently makes me laugh too. I did some digging for some more, but didn't find any with Dorian and Eiten that worked without the context of entire chapters dealing with their dynamic. Here are some others though.

Spoiler

“Hurn’s a good fellow. Saved my cousin from drowning once. He didn’t mean to; she just wouldn’t let go of him.”

 

Spoiler

“Will you tell me how my husband actually found you?” she asked. “He has a habit of exaggerating sometimes. Also, if he kidnapped you, feel free to say so.”

 

Spoiler

“You took your damned time, Gredd,” the man said.
“Gotta wait until the ingredients are just ripe enough, Yard,” Gredd said with a grin.
Yard eyed Mandel and Felise. “You know I gave up cooking people over a decade ago. Too stringy. And the meat doesn’t cook evenly.”
“What about your mother-in-law?”
“Oh, well that wasn’t to eat. That just needed to be done and I was the only cook in the vicinity.”

 

Spoiler

“Plagues are good,” Elan said. “All the old stories have plagues.”
“We don’t have a plague.”
“We have Cody’s breath.”
“Hey!” Cody said. “I brushed my teeth just last week!”
“Pfft,” Elan snorted. “Listen to mister posh-face over here: ‘I brushed my teeth last week’. Poor effort, Cody. I haven’t done mine in a month!”
“We should use your breath then, Elan,” Jax said.
“Not at all. For even though my teeth have been longer without a brush than Cody’s, my brushing was of a higher quality.”
“How so?” Jax said with a half-smile.
“I used your toothbrush.”

 

Spoiler

“How much further is there to go?” Elexial huffed.
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“Are you telling me we’ve just been running around aimlessly for the past half-hour?”
“Not aimlessly. If anyone has spotted us, I don’t want them to know where we are going.”
“Where are we going?”
“I don’t know. That way, if we get captured and tortured, they won’t be able to find out where we are going.”

 

Spoiler

“What do I do with this?” Mandel asked, turning the dagger over his hands, running his finger along the blade.
“Kill someone with it,” Fen said.
“Who?”
“Whoever you want. It is quite thorough.”

 

Spoiler

“Aentha says that I’m soft and weak. But would somebody soft and weak punch a princess in the face?”
“No, but an idiot might.”

 

[BreezeCauthon]

Spoiler

Love and war are opposite sides of the same coin, the saying went. Edwin disagreed. War was simple. Hit the other man before he hit you. Love, or what little experience Edwin had with it thus far, involved no hitting.

Spoiler

Three large men stood from their table as soon as Kalab left the building. They shrugged off their cloaks to reveal thick belts with assorted weaponry. Two had heavy studded clubs, while another had a hatchet. All three were armed with knives, as well. They made for the door, opening it and looking out into the street for Kalab.

He was hunched over in an alley, discreetly vomiting into a barrel. The thugs walked toward him confidently.

Kalab paused his regurgitation, and, without looking up, gave a small smile.

“I’ll warn you, gentlemen,” he said gallantly, turning to look up at them with a flip of his dark hair. “Gold will not be the only metal we trade if you take another step.”

The trio didn’t even pause as he said this, and there was no hesitation as they continued their advance. Kalab wiped a fleck of vomit from his circle beard.

“Damn,” he mused. “I did so hope to avoid unpleasantries.”

Spoiler

“Magnus! Can I have a word?” Kyth pulled up alongside him.

“Agriculture,” responded Magnus, mildly annoyed.

Spoiler

Tomas smiled thinly as he took the papers from Frandon, groaning internally. All the stress crowded back into his mind.

“Thank you, Frandon,” he managed at last.

Frandon snorted again. “Nothing to thank me for. We both know that this will ruin your entire morning.” With that, he left.

Frandon, it must be said, could be callous at times.

Spoiler

“I’m not saying we should march about blathering about our plans to oust House Danam. I’m saying that whatever methods we use should feature House Danam’s consent. So instead of sending peasants and commoners to go squat on Danam land and then surreptitiously claiming it for House Katerrey...” he paused for a moment, eyeing Sammar balefully. Sammar interjected.

“That was, and still is, a brilliant idea. Brilliant!”

“...We could purchase the land. Or perhaps marry ourselves in somehow.”

Jarrol and Sammar, both already married, turned to Kalab, who had spoken only occasionally during this discussion.

Spoiler

Tomas closed his eyes, and breathed in deeply. With an exhale, he opened his eyes again.

Unfortunately, Erik Denkat was still standing in front of him. The man had an irritating tendency to remain in existence.