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Mt. Hallow... aka fish dips his metaphorical toes into creative writing...


I Am A Fish

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Hello! 

Here is the prologue for the story I've been writing. I'm going to try to get a new chapter out every week or so, but don't hold me to it, I'm an extremely slow writer.

I hope it's not too bad, and feel free to point out any typos.

That is all, enjoy:

Spoiler

Niila had not expected to spend her evening shooting people with crossbows. 

She generally used recurves.

You could shoot faster with a recurve. Though at the current moment her rate of fire didn’t matter. What mattered at the moment was taking out her targets as quickly and efficiently as possible, luckily for her, that’s what she’d spent the last eighteen years of her life doing.

Killing.

Nilla stepped into a spear-thrust, letting it impale her, tearing the weapon away from her opponent, before kicking them, sending the woman flailing off the roof. The fall, of over thirty feet, was potentially lethal.

Niila fired her crossbow to just make sure. 

Turning, she saw three figures dashing across the rooftops away from her. Probably a wise decision on their part. Niila lifted up her crossbow, took aim, and promptly realized she needed to reload. A rookie mistake. Cursing, she reloaded her weapon, and dashed off after them.

The night was warm and damp, with a soft drizzle, beads of water clung to Niila’s mask and coat. The streets below her were empty and silent, and she briefly entertained the idea of jumping off the roof and pursuing on street level, but dismissed the notion, and continued on her current course. 

Niila fell into a gradual rhythm, sprinting across tiled roofs, occasionally leaping over alleyways and sidestreets. Every so often she’d catch a glimpse of her quarries, but between the rainy haze, and the general darkness, they remained mostly out of sight. Occasionally the figures would try to double back or lose her, but their efforts proved fruitless, and Niila was able to stay right behind them.

After ten to fifteen minutes of running Niila reached the edge of town. Just beyond the town lay the Atreniad Jungle, a vast, semi-uninhabited wilderness. Luckily for her and most of the towns people, the city wall separated the two of them. Niila stopped and squinted, trying to discern if anything lay in wait. Naturally there was something. There was always something.

At first glance, a single cloaked figure was visible, but under closer inspection a patch of darkness beneath a guard tower concealed another figure. 

Niila put her quarterstaff together, straightened her mask, and with a running start, leapt onto the wall.

Put up the facade. She slammed onto the wall, and rushed the first figure. The figure withdrew a rapier and dagger, falling into a battle stance. Niila attempted to strike them with her staff, but they narrowly parried. Falling back, she looked down her opponent, scanning for an opening. Her opponent rushed her. Let your lie become their truth. She feinted, swinging her staff at the figures head, catching them off balance. Then slammed her staff into their shoulder, feeling the crunch of broken bone.

The figure gasped and dropped their weapons, clutching their now broken arm. She lifted her up her quarterstaff, preparing to strike a lethal blow. Niila could only imagine how she must have looked. Cloaked in shadow, bone white mask obscuring her face, a short spear protruding from her chest. Like a specter, a faceless being, death incarnate.

Another arrow slammed into Niila’s side. Grimacing, she turned to face the assailant, a solitary figure, face hooded.

The figure threw off their hood revealing short red hair and pointed ears. “Leave him alone.” Theatrics won’t help you win this fight. The man dropped his bow, drawing an arming sword, and a buckler. Niila held her staff back, giving the man an opening. 

He sprinted across the wall, trying to close the distance between them as soon as possible.

Not soon enough, though.

In one deft motion, Niila discarded her quarterstaff, drew her crossbow and shot the man in the stomach, sidestepping his body as it fell to the ground. 

She kicked it off the wall for good measure.

Reloading her crossbow, she walked back to the other figure. Raising the now loaded weapon to their face. The figure turned and looked up at Niila, their hood falling off.

“You are... a monster.”

Niila took a deep breath, and fingered the trigger.

“No.... I kill monsters.”

Niila fired.

 

Edited by I Am A Fish
The grammar police are always watching...
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12 minutes ago, Frustration said:

Rate of fire doesn't matter, but efficiency does, fish logic. 

:D Of course! In Niila's scenario, (hunting people down through a city) it's more efficient to have a weapon that stays loaded and can shoot farther, then a weapon that has a rapid rate of fire, but is shorter range.

I think about my characters weapon choices...

I overthink my characters weapon choices...

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39 minutes ago, I Am A Fish said:

:D Of course! In Niila's scenario, (hunting people down through a city) it's more efficient to have a weapon that stays loaded and can shoot farther, then a weapon that has a rapid rate of fire, but is shorter range.

I think about my characters weapon choices...

I overthink my characters weapon choices...

*Unconvinced Frustration noises*

I doubt it would be easier, the bonus time would be far more important, and besides you only need to kill them.

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1 hour ago, I Am A Fish said:

Niila had not expected to spend her evening shooting people with crossbows. 

She generally used recurves.

You could shoot faster with a recurve. Though at the current moment her rate of fire didn’t matter. What mattered at the moment was taking out her targets as quickly and efficiently as possible, luckily for her, that’s what she’d spent the last eighteen years of her life doing.

Combine these three paragraphs, or at least two. You only want to separate a sentence for emphasis, and putting emphasis on "She generally used recurves" sounds a bit odd.

Delete the second "What mattered" sounds repetitive. Separate the sentence so it's like "What mattered at the moment was taking out her targets as quickly and efficiently as possible. Luckily for her, that’s what she’d spent the last eighteen years of her life doing."

1 hour ago, I Am A Fish said:

Nilla stepped into a spear-thrust, letting it impale her, tearing the weapon away from her opponent, before kicking them, sending the woman flailing off the roof. The fall, of over thirty feet, was potentially lethal.

Explain the "Tearing the weapon away" part a little more, as it's unclear what that means or what is happening

 

1 hour ago, I Am A Fish said:

Niila fired her crossbow to just make sure. 

Suggestion... would it not make more sense to just check if she's dead rather than waste a bolt?

 

1 hour ago, I Am A Fish said:

Turning, she saw three figures dashing across the rooftops away from her. Probably a wise decision on their part. Niila lifted up her crossbow, took aim, and promptly realized she needed to reload. A rookie mistake. Cursing, she reloaded her weapon, and dashed off after them.

Okay, so a time constraint may explain why she can't check, but that blot would've been quite useful now, wouldn't it? And forgetting to reload after doing that for eighteen years? That is almost unbelievable, in what appears to be routine for her. You could've just made her curse and reload while chasing them. The forgetting to reload part is very weird for how you just set her up to be experienced and skilled at this for a mistake I don't even think normal people would make when firing crossbows. I'm not sure what purpose it was supposed to serve, but it doesn't fit. TL;DR delete it.

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

The night was warm and damp, with a soft drizzle, beads of water clung to Niila’s mask and coat. The streets below her were empty and silent, and she briefly entertained the idea of jumping off the roof and pursuing on street level, but dismissed the notion, and continued on her current course. 

I think you would use clinging rather than clung here, clung sounds off. @Condensation Please confirm my suspicions.  Remove the last comma. Otherwise, fine description of her surroundings. Also, you may want to describe how close the rooftops are for a chase to be happening. 

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

Niila fell into a gradual rhythm, sprinting across tiled roofs, occasionally leaping over alleyways and sidestreets. Every so often she’d catch a glimpse of her quarries, but between the rainy haze, and the general darkness, they remained mostly out of sight. Occasionally the figures would try to double back or lose her, but their efforts proved fruitless, and Niila was able to stay right behind them.

Fine.

 

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

After ten to fifteen minutes of running, Niila reached the edge of town. Just beyond the town lay the Atreniad Jungle; a vast, semi-uninhabited wilderness. Luckily for her and most of the townspeople, the city wall separated the two of them. Niila stopped and squinted, trying to discern if anything lay in wait. Naturally, there was something. There was always something.

FIne. Fixed some grammatical errors in the quote itself this time.

 

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

At first glance, a single cloaked figure was visible, but under closer inspection, a patch of darkness beneath a guard tower concealed another figure. 

Niila put her quarterstaff together, straightened her mask, and with a running start, leapt onto the wall.

One comma missing that I put in. Otherwise, fine.

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

Put up the facade. She slammed onto the wall, and rushed the first figure. The figure withdrew a rapier and dagger, falling into a battle stance. Niila attempted to strike them with her staff, but they narrowly parried. Falling back, she looked down her opponent, scanning for an opening. Her opponent rushed her. Let your lie become their truth. She feinted, swinging her staff at the figures head, catching them off balance. Then slammed her staff into their shoulder, feeling the crunch of broken bone.

I believe it's just 'drew' and not 'withdrew'. Also, when you use they, it might be more useful to make the character assume a gender, as it's more clear to the reader, as they can refer to multiple people and confuse them, and it is realistic for someone to assume when they're not sure. More a suggestion than a critique. 

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

The figure gasped and dropped their weapons, clutching their now broken arm. She lifted her up her quarterstaff, preparing to strike a lethal blow. Niila could only imagine how she must have looked. Cloaked in shadow, bone white mask obscuring her face, a short spear protruding from her chest. Like a specter, a faceless being, death incarnate.

Why not remove the spear? Even if it doesn't harm her, it would get in the way. Otherwise, fine.

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

Another arrow slammed into Niila’s side. Grimacing, she turned to face the assailant, a solitary figure, face hooded.

The figure threw off their hood revealing short red hair and pointed ears. “Leave him alone.” Theatrics won’t help you win this fight. The man dropped his bow, drawing an arming sword, and a buckler. Niila held her staff back, giving the man an opening. 

 

Wait, there was a first arrow? I thought she was only hit by a spear. Where did the error come from? is that a mistake on you, or did I miss something?

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

He sprinted across the wall, trying to close the distance between them as soon as possible.

Not soon enough, though.

In one deft motion, Niila discarded her quarterstaff, drew her crossbow and shot the man in the stomach, sidestepping his body as it fell to the ground. 

Good. 

 

2 hours ago, I Am A Fish said:

She kicked it off the wall for good measure.

Reloading her crossbow, she walked back to the other figure. Raising the now loaded weapon to their face. The figure turned and looked up at Niila, their hood falling off.

“You are... a monster.”

Niila took a deep breath, and fingered the trigger.

“No.... I kill monsters.”

Niila fired.

Great line. Makes sense she would use a crossbow for killing when she only has a staff, though I will ask why she doesn't have a knife for cases like that.

 

For a first draft, it looks fine. Just needs fine-tuning, and I recommend being more careful when trying to describe where characters are, as that appears to be a slight weak point of yours, especially during fights. Your good at describing surroundings, though a little more couldn't hurt.

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I like this a lot Fish! Especially for a first attempt! I’m not a writer so I don’t have any critique, it sounds great to me! 

Is Nila the main character or just a prologue character? Also what genre are you planning on this being? It sounds Science Fiction right now (which I love, of course) but is there a magic system or something like that? 

Edited by Hentient
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1 hour ago, I Am A Fish said:

:D Of course! In Niila's scenario, (hunting people down through a city) it's more efficient to have a weapon that stays loaded and can shoot farther, then a weapon that has a rapid rate of fire, but is shorter range.

I think about my characters weapon choices...

I overthink my characters weapon choices...

There is no such thing as 'overthinking'.

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On 06/11/2020 at 7:09 PM, Aspiring Writer said:

I think you would use clinging rather than clung here, clung sounds off. @Condensation Please confirm my suspicions.  Remove the last comma. Otherwise, fine description of her surroundings. Also, you may want to describe how close the rooftops are for a chase to be happening. 

Both work. I would say clung, but *shrugs*.

Amazing, Fish! Good job!

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Guest Somebody from Scadrial
22 minutes ago, Condensation said:

Both work. I would say clung, but *shrugs*.

Amazing, Fish! Good job!

Agreed both work clung sounds better so... Clung

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On 11/6/2020 at 7:09 PM, Aspiring Writer said:

Also, when you use they, it might be more useful to make the character assume a gender, as it's more clear to the reader, as they can refer to multiple people and confuse them, and it is realistic for someone to assume when they're not sure. More a suggestion than a critique. 

I hated this in starsight, when spensa was talking to Cuna and it referred to Cuna as ‘they’ I was always so confused because I’m used to they as a plural. 

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Guest Somebody from Scadrial
16 hours ago, Mage said:

I hated this in starsight, when spensa was talking to Cuna and it referred to Cuna as ‘they’ I was always so confused because I’m used to they as a plural. 

In this case Niila and therefore Fish is using correctly because Niila isn't assuming a gender and that is one of 'they's uses

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