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Snakenaps

8/2/2020 - Snakenaps - Name of the King - D3 Chapter Twelve (2113 words)

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This is a Draft Three chapter. The first scene has completely and utterly been rewritten because I thought that the initial one had an out of character reaction from Ir. The ending of the second chapter has also been rewritten, because I'm going to be testing a new plotline on you all. 

All comments, questions, and feedback welcome!   

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Overall

It occurred to me to mention before I even delve into this chapter, that I don't actually know what the overarching goal is for our MC. This was a thing I got dinged on time and again when agent hunting. They wanted a clear through line from the start. Clear motivation for the lead character. I suppose here it could be 'get through my required time' but that isn't super motivating to a reader. Might be worth revisiting earlier chapters to give her a stronger stake in this, like 'make it through AND steal something valuable, or etc.'

After reading the chapter, my main questions is - what has she decided?? That she won't turn her friends in? Or that she is actively going to try to protect them? Just telling names doesn't seem like a position that would put her rebel friends in harm's way so I'm confused as to this chapter and her promise. It's great that she seems to be coming to terms with the resistance and such but I didn't get the sense that her friends were in any sort of danger that she could influence to begin with, so this promise falls flat to me.

Still, only one line comment, so it read smoothly!

 

As I go

- pg 4: Since iron was much stronger than wood <-- the wood scientist disagrees

 

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1 hour ago, kais said:

It occurred to me to mention before I even delve into this chapter, that I don't actually know what the overarching goal is for our MC. This was a thing I got dinged on time and again when agent hunting. They wanted a clear through line from the start. Clear motivation for the lead character. I suppose here it could be 'get through my required time' but that isn't super motivating to a reader. Might be worth revisiting earlier chapters to give her a stronger stake in this, like 'make it through AND steal something valuable, or etc.'

This is...an extremely good point...

Hmmmm, this could be really fun to play around with. Ir wouldn't steal something valuable as in objects, but what about information??? I could really spin this in a lot of ways...

1 hour ago, kais said:

- pg 4: Since iron was much stronger than wood <-- the wood scientist disagrees

This was a change I literally made about three minutes before I submitted the chapter, and this was made off of a very quick Google research of the advantages of iron.

I'd say that iron is definitely stronger than, say, balsa wood, but what woods beat out iron??? Things I know about wood: 

  1. It is made from a tree.
  2. If you make it into a cutting board and cut too many onions without washing the board, everything you cut will then taste like onions.
  3. It's not fun to snub your toes on. 

Please educate me. 

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Very well written chapter!

My only sticking point is that the tone of the first couple paragraphs felt like a 'time passes' cue to me so I was supprised when it continued with the same day as the previous chapter.

I'm not sure what in the phrasing gave me that impression that this was a summery of the next several days, or if was just my assumption that a time skip would happen next. 

I liked her time to think on the beach. I acutally wouldn't have minded a longer catch up with where her head is at this point and what she plans to do. 

Looking forward to the next chapter!

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I agree with @kais (as usual) that the stakes need to be clearer for Ir at the start. I made some comments on the full version about this, and I think a little more setup about the difficulties between the BK and the town they live in will help that, and will help the arc about the revolutionaries. Right now I don't know anything about them except that her sister and brother in law joined. I'm defining their organization by two people Ir knows, but I still don't know anything about the organization itself.

I also marked the part about the iron. I still have a problem with a society using a deadly material for commonplace tools when there are alternatives that would nearly as well. It would be much more interesting for them to use a hardened wood instead of iron, or just replace bronze tools more often,or something like that.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "S and T would have no reason to join the Revolutionaries"
--did they join because of the fire? I though they were already planning to join.

pg 2: "Instead, she pulled herself into a ball, coating her hair and clothes in sand,"
--This sounds like she's deliberately rubbing sand on herself

pg 2: "the monarchy had her in their clutches"
--"its" clutches?

pg 4: I'm still not quite sure on using iron as a common material when most of the populace will burn themselves touching it. Weapons I can see, because that adds to the deadliness. But can you imagine making a shovel out of plutonium or something? You couldn't leave iron tools lying around anywhere. What if a child touched one? How do you clean them? I'd think the society would just accept the loss of strength and use bronze instead, rather than risk people injuring or killing themselves.

pg 5: "Re-the"
--Still don't know what this is. I don't think this name is mentioned later?

pg 6: "‘organization’ is built on a system that the B.K. used himself"
--I think I missed this the first time. It is? I don't think this is mentioned again.

pg 7: "your…friends…are who they say they are.”
--Glad we get a let more explanation at the end, but were they pretending their friends were something else? This seems to say there's some guild or organization that has a front, but is really revolutionaries. I'd like a little more explanation about it.

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Posted (edited)

1) So magic can run out? From people, I mean. I knew that there were personal limits, but I didn't know that it was a reservoir.

1) "She had save the BK" Didn't she already know this?

1) OK, at least now her reaction makes sense. Then again, how level headed/typically melodramatic is she. I don't think she is a whole lot (except when around food) so the whole woulda/coulda/shoulda doesn't seem to fit perfectly. But this hits, and hits hard.

2) Going from "I botched it" to "I have no idea how to play an instrument" is jarring. 

3) "and more" really? Is it possible to either cut this or give real description. It may be just me, but "and more" doesn't work. At all.

4) thank you for following up with the whole null thing. I remembered there was something and forging, but I couldn't remember what.

4) "Silver" yay, fun. Please tell me that the iron/silver is going to be followed up with. Wait, is she going to be contacted by the revolutionaries and given a silver knife to kill the BK?

4) "You bring me...what's up, chef?" I'm assuming that T is older than her by about a decade, and still imagines her a child, or younger teen. Also, is what's up world-appropriate?

5) and he's not murdering her for not only insulting the BK. Progressiveness!

6) I'm completely on to something with that assassination attempt.

Spoiler

I think this would go over like Kaladin in words of radiance with his passive-agressive assassination attempt of Elhokar.

7) so he's willing to risk his family for his family. What?

7) "T let his hand fall from her head" ?

7) I was close on that assassination. I haven't given up on it yet.

8) So did they even say they were going to try anything then? If not, why is she worried that nothing would go wrong if she was doing nothing.

On 8/4/2020 at 11:24 AM, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "Re-the"
--Still don't know what this is. I don't think this name is mentioned later?

I thought that was obviously the revolution. Though should completely have a cool name.

OVERALL: I liked the emotional hit in the beginning, and later on with T it fell flat, though that may have been me overbuilding my expectations.

 

 

 

 

Edited by Turin Turambar
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Notes as I go:

P. 1. I felt when it came to “As soon as P. released her” that you were talking about every day rather than that particular instance.

“Terracotta and cream blurs” – nice.

Perhaps “Of the cliff?”

Ah, yes, finally! A proper and intense emotional reaction to what’s happened. I don’t know how much editing you’ve done, but maybe indicate this is coming in the previous chapter.

P. 4. Is there any way to know if someone is magical in-universe? Because if I were in that universe and saw someone do something no one else could do – like touch iron – I would assume it was their magical ability. Also, flip, why would he be making nails out of a harmful substance? I’d assumed he’d be making weapons for the BK. Now THAT would be an interesting use for iron. War and oppression – which the BK would love to exploit.

 

Not much wrong with this chapter! Well written.

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Posted (edited)

Quick comments. (LBLs emailed separately: not much at all.)

The description of Ir's flight from the palace is excellent: real pace, hot emotion. I really feel what she's feeling.

Then the release of her reaching the beach and falling down, and then her thoughts about the job. You've nailed my comments about upping the stakes and the emotional weight. This is a good revision, IMO.

"Her city wouldn’t be suffocating under crippling legislation" - suggestion: if you're keeping this as a burden, I think the legislation needs to be more swingeing.

Steel vs. wood: Here is a fascinating diagram, sourced from Cambridge University materials science.

http://www-materials.eng.cam.ac.uk/mpsite/interactive_charts/strength-toughness/basic.html

Each diagram shows the general outline of the different 'families' of materials, while breaking one of the materials down into sub-categories. There certainly is an overlap where certain woods and stronger than certain metals. This does not of course take any account of the shape and size of the piece of wood/steel, and whether it's in tension, compression, under shock impact, etc. etc. The first diagram breaks down woods and shows oak well into the purple range of metals. The steels do seem to be stronger than the strongest woods (Diagram 2), however, Diagram 3 shows that the strongest oaks are reaching the strengths of lower level cast iron.

But I think it must be so dependent on the shape of the object and how it is being stressed.

woods.jpg.b673ea0c676117273608a29f3e591b7d.jpg  metals2.jpg.33a61654d2c25fad25bbc9e383d9bf49.jpg  metals.jpg.e0bd16d52dcfe792d3873d3205c355d1.jpg

"I won’t join, but I won’t get in your way" - Yes, this really ups the stakes from the Draft 2 version I read first. Nice job.

"before dashing from the stool and the shop" - She dashed away from the palace to the beach. How about something different here? How about she leaves the shop slowly, hesitantly, kind of numb with disbelief at what she's just promised?

"but the words tasted false sour on her tongue" - This is a taste analogy, so I thought it made sense to bring flavour(?) into it, attaching it to her identity as a chef.

This is a good revision, I say that again. I like how Draft 3 is going :) 

Edited by Robinski
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I didn't make too many notes while I was reading. I thought there was some great emotion in this chapter and I liked the tension with the brother-in-law. 

When I is walking through the street, there are a couple listy sentences that end with "and more" or something similar. I'm not a fan of the "and more" type ending. 

"Re-the 'organization..." I wasn't sure what the "Re-the" meant. Was that an abbreviation for resistance or something?

How would she knew which people were the rebels her family had ties to versus people lying about their name for other reasons?

The end has me just waiting for something to go wrong, for I to be in a position where she has to make a tough choice involving Su and her husband. 

On 8/3/2020 at 5:14 PM, kais said:

It occurred to me to mention before I even delve into this chapter, that I don't actually know what the overarching goal is for our MC.

I was thinking it was to save C's, but I think that's only a piece of it. 

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