shatteredsmooth

ShatteredSmooth_JunkJunction_Ch. 1 & 2 Resub_July 20_4196 Words

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Hi!
 
Junk Junction is a paranormal middle grade novel that I sent through the group last year. After revising based on the group's feedback, I had three beta readers look at it and revised again. Now, I'm almost ready to query.
 
Since most query letters are often accompanied by the first 5, 10, or 20 pages of a book, I want to make sure my opening chapters are as polished as they can be, so I'm submitting them one more time. I'm just sending these two, not the whole book. Next time I submit, I should be back to my other WIP.
 
For once, I actually want sentence-level feedback. I'm open to making some content changes, but what I really need help with this time around is editing. 
 
Thank you!
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Since it was easier to make corrections in the document, I sent you back edits by email.

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I sent mine through email as well. I really enjoyed it overall. Good luck sending it out! 

My only larger comment is that I feel like I need a bit more on E's belief that mannequins can turn people into more mannequins before it happens. We get that her mom tells her scary stories. Is it that these stories seem to real and specific to be totally fake? Has she noticed unnatural behavior from mannequins before? Has she seen mannequins that look too human to be constructed? It's good that the belief is set up before they are turned into mannequins, and I think it can reach its full potential if we understand more of where that belief comes from. 

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Congrats on being ready to submit another book!

I only caught a couple things:

In the paragraph starting, "Junk J smelled like sawdust..." there is an extra space before Mx. R. 

Next paragraph: "With his long black fur..." given the genre I was thinking G was some sort of strange creature until I got to 'dog'. 

I enjoyed the first 3/4 of the story a lot, especially the details and tone you establish. The suspense in the Maniquin room was great, but after that the story suddenly felt rushed over with many elements thrown in at the last minute. I don't know why, but the chest flying realy stuck out to me. 

This isn't a genre I am familiar with though, so my 'ear' for it might be off.

Well done!

 

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I'll send you my comments via email :) 

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This was much improved! Sending edits via email with track changes

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Thank you everyone! That was very helpful! 

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Sorry I never got around to this, Sara. Just tooo much going on. This had no detrimental effect though!!! As would be expected :) 

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