True Identity feedback

[DramaQueen]

Hello, all! I am a very amateur writer, and not planning to get very serious with it, but this is chapters 1-5 of a book that I have started to write. I would love to hear all of your feedback, good or bad, on what I have of my story so far. Thanks! (Spoilered for length)

Spoiler

Chapter 1: June

The sun streamed through the stained-glass windows, clothing the palace in bright, happy colors. June slid down the long, twisty railing and gave a giggle as she flew down to the bottom. After composing herself, she glided into the conference room for an emergency meeting that had  been announced across the kingdom much earlier. Judging from the previous meetings that her father, the king, had called, this would most likely just be another announcement on the (most recent) engagement of her brother, Flint. She flounced inside the room, then flopped herself onto the chair. As the people remained silent, she lifted her head and looked around. Everyone had a sober expression on their face, not a single hint of a smirk or grin over the fairy princess's silly display. June sat up straight, smoothed her fiery red hair, looked straight at her father at the stand, and asked, “So… What’d I miss?” 

Her father gave a solemn look across the audience, then breathed, “I’ll tell you later. These people don’t need to hear it again. Maybe if you weren’t always late, you would know!” He then proceeded to give out assignments, which June didn't follow, probably because it had something to do with the earlier announcement. He said something about border control and peace guard, but that made zero sense to her. 

After the meeting, he pulled her aside and said "The humans have breached our defenses and attacked our peace guard." 

At this, June gave a very unladylike snort. "Daddy, everyone knows humans don't exist. What was the real announcement?"

"Darling, that is the real announcement. All young fairy children are kept from the truth until they reach a mature age. Humans do exist, and they are a real threat. In fact… they killed your mother."

June then knew that her father must be telling the truth, for he would never joke about her mother's death. In a quiet voice, she asked, "How did it happen?"

"She and I went on a mission to convince some humans to join our side in the war. We wanted to prove to them that we wanted to live among them, without fights. We wanted to let them know that we aren't really all that different, and we certainly didn't want to cause them harm. Your mother was the most convincing out of all of us on this mission, so she was our voice. Before she even got one sentence out, I heard a gun fire." The king's body began to wrack with sobs. 

"I tried to push her out of the way, but it wasn't enough. The bullet tore through one of her wings, rendering it useless. I began to lift her, but more guns were firing, and there was no way I could get both of us out alive, although I knew I would give it my best shot. She could see our danger as well as I could, and turned her beautiful face towards me. 'Sweetie,' she said, "Leave me here. There's nothing else to be done.' I refused, but eventually she convinced me. But I wouldn't leave her in that realm alone. I flew away and hid, and watched while they slaughtered the woman I loved. When the mob finally dispersed, I flew to her mangled body that was once so beautiful. I gently lifted her and carried her through the portal. We held a closed-casket funeral for her, I don't know if you remember. I decided I wouldn't tell you what happened unless the humans attacked us again. Well, that is what has happened, so now you know."

June had many conflicting thoughts race through her mind, but the first to show itself was anger. She balled her fists and started using them. Her fiery red hair got in her mouth and in her eyes, but she didn’t care. Her usually doe-like brown eyes were now as fierce as an eagle’s. June's father allowed her to rage and attack until she was worn out, then the anger fell away to despair and loss. The king pulled June into an embrace, where she sobbed into his shoulder until she had no more tears to cry. 

June looked up, the fierceness returning to her eyes. "I will avenge her, Father. I won't let the injustice of her murder go unchallenged."

"No." Her father replied. "I won't allow you to leave our kingdom, especially not to go to the human realm."

"You can't stop me! I'm going to make them pay for her death."

"No! I'll lock you in your room if I have to. I can't lose you, too."

"Fine…" She muttered, but inside, she knew she would leave the first chance she got. "I need some alone time to process all of this, Father. I’ll be in my room."

The king's eyes narrowed in suspicion, but he allowed her to go. As soon as she was gone, he called her guards.

"Lock her door and window and guard them both with your life. I fear she may try to leave."

June was preparing her satchel to leave when she heard the locks on her door and window click. She then heard the guards stop outside her room, destroying all means of escape. She refused to give up hope, though. She finished packing what she had in her magical bag. It was enchanted so that anything that could fit through the opening could be put in it, without adding weight or mass. Then, she turned off her light and remained as silent as she could. Before long, she heard the guards settle down. 

As soon as she was sure they were asleep, she used a hairpin to pick the lock and slip out of her room. Her first stop was the leatherworker's. The door opened with a tinkle, and Mr. Hleotha, a kind old elf, greeted her jovially. 

"Welcome, Princess June! How can I help you?"

"I need a sheath for my dagger and a leather breastplate."

"Can't you get those from your father? I'm sure he could get you better workings of those items."

"My father can't know." June replied tersely. "I'm on a secret errand, and you can't tell anyone. Do you understand?"

"Absolutely, your Highness. I won't tell a soul."

By the time that June had purchased everything on her shopping list, the sun was beginning to peek its head over Mount Glissando, named for the rumors of the peaks themselves singing. She was shocked that no one had come searching for her yet, and had no idea how she was going to get back inside without anyone noticing.

June almost laughed out loud at her own stupidity. She had everything she needed; she could go to the human realm now! After all, she didn’t spend all this money for nothing. The fairy princess swallowed her fear, shouldered her bag, and walked towards the Ebony Forest.

 

Chapter 2: Matthias

Matthias paced the room nervously, running a calloused hand through the forest of hair that kept growing longer and wilder.

It’s just a new school, he chided himself, what could possibly go wrong?

From the time he turned 6, he had attended the orphanage learning center along with all of the other abandoned children, including his best friend, Gracie. Now, however, Mrs. McBride had decided that the 13 oldest orphans would be attending Cylmark Academy, a private boarding school that is extremely expensive. They would go to a normal public school if it weren’t for one small factor. Cylmark was the only school that didn't ban monsters. Monsters like Matthias and his best friend, Gracie.

Matthias halted as he heard a knock. Quickly straightening his hair, just in case it was Mrs. McBride, he pulled the door open. Gracie, in her favorite hoodie and leggings, fell into his room and onto his chair. Gracie was pretty, with straight light brown hair that went just past her shoulders, soft blue eyes, and a small smile that was hard to read unless you knew her as well as Matthias did. He had noticed how beautiful she was, but to him, she was like a sister.

“What’s going on?” Matthias questioned. Gracie often crashed at his room, but there was something different about this visit.

“Don’t you think that it’s kind of fishy? Creating a school that is supposedly safe for monsters? Maybe it’s some kind of trap, to try to find and extinguish us.” Gracie was always the kind of person to look at all the possibilities of a situation, but this time, she had a valid concern.

“Well, it’s not like they’re making the monsters reveal themselves. Our true identities are kept secret.” Matthias said, reassuring himself as much as Gracie. “How would they know?”

“I guess you’re right…” Gracie murmured, although she was still visibly concerned. “I just worry.”

Matthias sighed. “I know. And it is a valid concern, but at least we were raised around normal humans, so the way we act hopefully won’t give us away. I think I’d be a lot more worried if I came from the Fae realm.”

“Yeah, for sure.”

Matthias was brought to the orphanage mere minutes after he was born by a weak woman who was assumed to be his mother. Only seconds after she had told the nurse that his name would be Matthias David Everton, she passed into the next life. Gracie, on the other hand, arrived at the age of three under even worse circumstances.

Only each other and Mrs. McBride knew their true identities. Matthias was a centaur, half teenage boy, half chocolate brown horse. Gracie was an elf, and the only visible difference between her in her true form and a human was her pointed ears. However, they both also had magical abilities that had kept them from getting in trouble on more than one occasion.

After chatting for another couple of hours, they were both feeling a lot more confident about attending this school, despite the dangers and potential traps that they both agreed could quite possibly exist.

 

Chapter 3: Cami

It was a beautiful day. At least, until Cami heard the news. Her best friend in the whole realm, Princess June, had gone missing! As Cami was always in touch with her, she was immediately contacted by the king. He wanted to interview her! Cami arrived at the gates of the castle within minutes, worried. She had been here before, of course, but only with June, and had hardly ever interacted with her father. The king! When he arrived, he took her straight to June’s bedroom and gestured for her to sit on the bed. When she did, she felt the crinkle of paper under the covers.

“Did June tell you anything about running away?”

“No, I was super shocked this morning when I received your message! I have no idea why she would do that.”

“Luckily, we know why she ran away, and I have a suspicion of where she would go. We were hoping that you could either confirm or deny it.”

“She didn’t tell me anything.” Cami responded. “The last message I received from her was her thanking me for letting her hang out a couple of days ago.”

“Very well,” the king sighed. “You may leave.”

Cami had grown extremely curious about that paper, so, as she walked out, (it is rude to fly inside of buildings, especially the palace,) she twisted her ankle and cried out. She was an excellent actress and was able to convince the king and his guards that it might be sprained, that it was far too dangerous to move her, and that she needed the nurse. The king asked if she would like for him to stay, but she assured him that she would be much better on her own. Once she was alone in the room, she reached under the blankets and found a flyer for a school, Cylmark Academy. Confused, she read the rest of the flyer.

“Cylmark Academy is a school where all are welcome, be it elf, human, centaur or troll!! Not one person knows the true identities of the students, and we respect their privacy! Finally, a school where monsters and humans can be friends and co-exist peacefully!!”

That must be where June went! Cami heard footsteps, and quickly tucked the flyer into her pocket, resuming her act. Her ankle did actually hurt from purposefully twisting it, so all she had to do was overreact to the pain. After the nurse inspected it, packed it with some ice, and reassured her that it wasn’t sprained, Cami went to fetch supplies. You couldn’t expect her to let her best friend wander into the human realm alone! Especially when the humans in question used so many exclamation points! That was Cami’s job! Seriously, though, June wasn’t one to act rashly, so she must have had a good reason. 

Cami had no difficulty gathering what she needed, no one really cares what pixies do, as long as they aren’t getting into trouble, which happened pretty often. At least they were better behaved than imps, though! Those little rascals were better at making mischief than they were at breathing. As Cami glided over the mermaid’s reef, she started having doubts. What if that school was just one thing June considered? What if it was left as a false trail for her father? No, June would have done everything she could to leave no trail if she didn’t want to be found, she wouldn’t try and trick people. Cami couldn’t explain away her first idea, though. At least by going to this school she might be able to make some new friends, even if she didn’t find June.

When she reached the Ebony Forest, a chill ran up her spine. It was starting to get dark, and Cami doubted that she would reach the portal before nightfall. However, the longer she waited, the more of a head start June had. She was already at least six hours ahead, so Cami pushed aside her worries and trudged forward into the dark trees. She had a fairy light, lit by magic so that it wouldn’t run out, but that wouldn’t protect her from the creatures who lived in these woods. Luckily, the moon was a tiny crescent in the sky, so she wouldn’t have to worry about transformed werewolves, but she had heard rumors of beings far worse than werewolves.

Unable to hold back the fear, Cami stopped, pulled out an old, occasionally unreliable spellbook and quickly cast a few protective spells that she knew would work. Feeling slightly more relaxed, she hiked deeper into the darkness.

Cami had been trekking through the trees for what seemed like an eternity before anything out of the ordinary occurred. A sound, almost imperceptible, reached her ear. “Follow me…”

A will-o-the-wisp! Why hadn’t Cami thought to bring earplugs? She shoved her fingers into her ears, a vain attempt at drowning it out. After you heard it once, the voice was in your head, inescapable. Cami ran away from the voice, hoping that she would soon come across the portal into the human realm, but as the voice persisted, Cami slowly lost her resistance. First, she began to slow down until she was walking leisurely. Then, her fingers gently slid from her ears. She followed the soft blue light of the wisp, forgetting why she was there, what she was doing. All she knew was that if she just kept following that gentle fire, she would be safe and happy.

Suddenly, someone-or something leapt at her, knocking her to the ground. A boy, who looked like a normal human, was pinning her to the ground, telling her to hold still and be quiet. He had pure white hair, long for a boy, and he was very tall and gangly. He reached into one of his many coat pockets and pulled out a pair of unused will-o-the-wisp earplugs, handed them to Cami, then waited until she appeared normal to help her to her feet. Will-o-the-wisp earplugs are enchanted to only block out the voices of the blue flames, so they were able to converse.

“I’m Preston. Preston Reyes.” The mysterious stranger introduced himself, bowing.

“Camille Johnson. But I usually go by Cami.”

“You obviously aren’t very well prepared for the woods at night. May I escort you to your desired location?” 

Preston seemed genuine and kind, but Cami had good reason to be suspicious. Why was he in the woods so late? Did he live in the woods? And if so, what were the chances that he would just happen to be in the right place at the right time in order to save her from the wisp?

As if he could read her mind, he said, “I was tracking that will-o-the-wisp. It seems to be the most cunning and successful of all the wisps in these woods. I wanted to know it’s method.”

“But why are you in the woods in the first place?” Cami inquired, putting voice to the first of her concerns.

Preston cocked an eyebrow teasingly. “I could ask you the same thing.”

“Yes, but I asked you first. Once you tell me, I may tell you.” Without realizing it, Cami had slipped into the authoritative voice she used when she pretended that she was a princess with June.

“If I tell you…” Preston started nervously, “You might leave.”

“I can promise you that I will leave if you don’t tell me what you’re doing here.

Preston breathed a sigh of surrender. “When I enter the kingdom, they cast me out, so I live out here, where no one cares.”

“Cares about what?”

The mystifying youth looked her straight in the eye. “No one cares that I’m a werewolf.” Cami could tell that Preston expected the reaction that was her first instinct; to leave, so she forced herself to stay, determined not to be afraid.

“You aren’t going to run?” Preston asked, confused. “I know the Faire Folk hate our kind. I won’t be mad if you leave.”

Cami took a deep breath to calm her nerves before answering. “No, I’m not leaving you. You’re right, I am stupendously unprepared, and since you live in the woods, you can help me. It’s not a full moon, so I have nothing to worry about.”

Preston’s solemn mouth broke into a grin. “So, do I get to know why you are out in the woods now?” Cami could tell that he was trying not to scare her away, but it was obvious that his curiosity was overwhelming.

Hesitantly, Cami reached into her bag and pulled out the flyer, handing it to Preston. “I’m pretty sure my best friend went into the human realm and went to this school.”

“Why would she do that? Aren’t the humans beginning to attack us again?”

“Yes. Because of that, her father had to explain her mother’s death, caused by the humans. I think she left to try and avenge her mother, but she has even less experience in the real world than I do. She’s the fairy princess.”

“Y-you’re the princess’s best friend?” exclaimed Preston in shock. “I had heard that she went missing. Did you tell the king what you suspected?”

“Well, this is going to sound awful, but… no.” Cami admitted. “I trust June. If she believes that this is the right thing, even if she’s acting in anger, then she is doing the right thing. If I told her father, he would follow her, and the humans would recognize him and try to kill him. June isn’t known there. She’ll be safe, but she’ll be even safer once I’m with her.”

“Let me come with you.” Preston insisted, surprising them both. “I can be helpful, I promise.”

“But your true identity is a lot harder to hide. Someone who would always be absent on the day of the full moon? It would give you away, and this school could be a trap.”

“I don’t transform until after the moon comes up.” Preston explained desperately. “I could get a one-person dorm, soundproof the walls, and werewolf-proof it the day before the full moon. I’d go in there around the same time every night, so that it wouldn’t be suspicious and no one would ever know.”

“Okay…” agreed Cami, although she was still extremely wary.

“Thank you!” Preston exclaimed. “C’mon, let’s go find that portal!”

 

Chapter 4: Gracie

Gracie’s nightmares were getting worse. She was pretty sure it was caused by the stress of this new school, but she wasn’t able to relax after getting almost no sleep for the third day this week. She would be unable to drift off until well after midnight, then would wake up only about an hour later, drenched in a cold sweat and breathing heavily, the image of her mother’s broken body burning behind her eyes. She didn’t think this school was a good idea at all, but she was already enrolled, and the term started tomorrow. She really needed to talk to Matthias again, he was always really good at making her feel better.

She opened the door, revealing Matthias with his fist raised, about to knock. They both stood there in shock for a moment, then burst into laughter. For a moment, Gracie’s sadness faded away. Matthias plopped down onto her beanbag, then Gracie remembered why she wanted to talk to him.

“I’ve been having the nightmares again.”

That short sentence made the light mood gain a hundred pounds. Matthias looked up at her and asked, “Do you know why?”

“I think it's because of the stress of this new school. It always gets worse when I’m stressed.” The nightmares had started about three months after she had arrived at the orphanage, the day her whole life was changed. 

“I know that, but do you have any idea why you have these nightmares yet?” Matthias asked, concerned. “You’ve been having them for years.”

“Mrs. McBride thinks I might have PTSD from… you know.”

“Okay, but what do you think?” 

Gracie thought for a bit, then answered, “It’s possible. I did some research, and what I experienced could cause PTSD, and I have no idea what else it could be. I’ll talk to the nurse about it later today.”

“Sounds good. Why are you so stressed about this school though?” inquired Matthias. “I told you, it’s not like they’ll be able to tell that we aren’t normal humans.”

Gracie sighed, unsure if she could explain it in words. “I know, it’s just that… I can’t shake the feeling that there might be… some kind of new technology? That can tell a monster from a human? I’m afraid that the humans are more observant than we think and can find a way to discover us. I know it’s a weird worry, but I can’t shake it.”

“No, it’s perfectly valid. And I have to admit, I’ve had similar worries, too. But it’s not like we have a choice. If we don’t show up tomorrow, I think that would make it way more suspicious, and they know we’re at the orphanage. We don’t have anywhere else to go. I know that probably doesn’t make it less stressful, but maybe just knowing that this is our only choice will help you take the worry off of your shoulders.”

Hearing Matthias put it this way was exactly what Gracie needed. He always knew the exact right way to make her feel better, no matter what was stressing her out. Suddenly, it was like a heavy load of stress was lifted from her shoulders. It’s weird that knowing she couldn’t control it was what helped her relax, but that was exactly what had happened. Matthias was right, going to this school was their only option, they might as well go in with a positive attitude.

~*.*.*.*.*~

Later that day, Gracie made her way to the nurse’s office. She had only been there once or twice before, and only for bandaids and other minor first aid materials, so she was slightly worried about how this appointment might go.  Her nerves only increased when she walked into the room. The large, strong, intimidating nurse was there waiting for her. Gracie had never trusted her, but now she would have to tell this hulk of a woman all about her nightmares, which were very private. Besides her, only Matthias and Mrs. McBride knew about them. The nurse, Miss Ellis, gestured to the chair, so Gracie nervously walked over and sat down.

“So, Mrs McBride said that you have been having nightmares and that you think it might be PTSD from your mother’s death. In order for me to get a better idea of what you went through, I need to have you tell me everything you remember about your mother and her death. I know it will be hard, but it is extremely necessary.” 

Miss Ellis’s voice was a lot more calming and peaceful than Gracie expected to come from that large body, but she still wished that they didn’t have to get into the trauma of her past as quickly as they did.

Gracie took a deep, shuddering breath, knowing that she was about to make herself more vulnerable than ever.

“My first memory of my mom was the day that my dad left us. I don’t remember him, but I do remember being happy with both of my parents. The day he left, my mother broke. I was only about two and a half years old, but I distinctly remember her collapsing on the couch. I had no other relatives, and she just stayed there for days, doing nothing, eating nothing, she didn’t even sleep. I had to find a way to survive on my own, at a very young age. I would go shopping by myself, using my mom’s money. I even tried feeding my mom, but she wouldn’t respond or swallow. After about three days, she started moving. She was able to eat and sleep, but she still just stayed in that spot on the couch. It took her almost three months before she started providing for me again, instead of the other way around. We were still pretty miserable, but things seemed to be getting better, until a couple of weeks before she died. I started noticing little things, like how she only wore long sleeves and pants, and it was the middle of the summer. When we would go swimming in the ocean, she would wear a wetsuit that covered her completely. She said she was cold, but her face would get red and sweaty, so I could tell that wasn’t true, but I had no idea what was the truth until one day, when I walked into her room without knocking. She was in a tank top and shorts, but her arms and legs were covered in bandages. I could see blood seeping through them, and I left before she saw me. I knew that she was hurting herself, still upset about my father leaving, even though it had been almost six months.” 

Gracie took another deep breath. She knew that here was where it would get even harder. She would try not to cry, but that was often unavoidable when she told this part of the story.

“She kept getting worse and worse, I still have no idea what triggered her to become so depressed. She hung on for about two more weeks, then told me we were going for a drive. We came to the orphanage, but I couldn’t read, so I had no idea where we were. My mom handed me a card and told me to take it to the lady at the door. I was confused why she got out and headed in a different direction, but I walked to the door and knocked. When I looked at my mom again, she was standing on the edge of the cliff. I ran over to her, leaving the card on the step, but-”

Gracie’s voice broke as she started sobbing uncontrollably, trying to maintain the flood, still talking through the hiccoughs.

“She s-stepped off th-the edge. I r-reached he-r right as sh-she f-fell. I l-leaned over the edge and w-watched as her b-body hit the sh-sharp rocks below. H-her blood splattered all over the r-rocks, staining them r-red. They’re s-still red from her blood.”

She paused as she regained a steady voice.

“I don’t remember what happened after that. The next thing I remember is lying in a bed, drenched in sweat. I thought I had just dreamed the whole thing, but then Mrs. McBride came in with a pitying look and I knew it was all real. She asked me if I wanted to know what the card said, then read it out loud to me.”

At this point, Gracie reached into her dress pocket and pulled out the card, although she didn’t need it, as she had the entire thing memorized by heart.

“This is my beautiful daughter, Gracie Roberts. Please take care of her like I never could. Raise her well, and let her know that I love her, even if she can’t remember that I did. Give her a good life, full of opportunities, despite her differences. I hope that she will be happy and that one day she will be able to forgive me for what I did.

Thank you,

Margaret Roberts.”

Gracie’s eyes were still wet with tears, but her voice was steady as she looked the nurse in the eyes.

“So. What do you think my problem is?”

“I’m sorry, but I need to know more. First of all, tell me about the nightmares. What happens in them”

“I just relive my real-life nightmare. I see my mother throw herself off of that cliff again and again, every night. It’s even worse when my imagination lets me see what I could have done to help her. I imagine what my life would be like if she hadn’t gone over the edge, literally and figuratively. Sometimes these dreams seem so realistic that I forget that they aren’t the truth. Then I wake up, smiling, and when I realize that my happiness is a lie, I can’t hold back the tears. Some days I go without breakfast because I don’t want the others to see my grief. It’s been almost ten years, but I can’t let go of it.”

The nurse made a face, which surprised Gracie, but then she realized that Miss Ellis was just trying to change her permanent scowl into a reassuring smile. The effect was pretty much the opposite.

“One more thing. In the letter, your mother said, ‘despite her differences.’ Do you know what she meant by that? You seem normal to me, except for this, and most of the kids here have tragic stories.”

This was where it got complicated. Gracie didn’t trust the nurse at all, and if she revealed her true identity to Miss Ellis, she could be in danger. But, if she didn’t, she might never know what was wrong with herself. Not only that, but if she didn’t answer, the nurse might find it suspicious. Deciding to go with the truth, Gracie took yet another deep breath. 

“I’m an elf.”

With those three words, she might as well have signed her own death warrant. To Gracie’s shock, however, Miss Ellis merely nodded, making a note on her clipboard.

“Aren’t you surprised? Scared?”

Miss Ellis smiled a condescending smile. 

“Sweetheart, I’m a nurse. For orphans. I already knew that you were an elf. I guess you wouldn’t remember, but I was the one who found you kneeling at the edge of the cliff. Then, I took you into an open room and took care of you until you woke up. When you started to stir, I left. I know that I’m not exactly the beautiful angelic nurse that people expect to be smiling down at them when they wake. I know the true identity of every orphan in this home, and I have taken care of all of them at one point or another. Not to blow my own horn, but I am quite possibly the most knowledgeable person at this orphanage. The only person who may know as much as I do is Mrs. McBride.”

Gracie was more shocked than she had ever been. Her first impression of Miss Ellis was extremely flawed, and she felt bad for misjudging her so harshly on her appearance. 

“Wait. If you already knew all of this, why did you ask me about it all?”

“I had to know how badly you wanted to know this. Gracie Roberts, you and Mrs. McBride are right. I have been noticing symptoms of PTSD in you since you were very young. I don’t know if you remember this, but you would often play that you were your mother. Luckily, you never hurt yourself, but you drew scars on your body in the places you saw them on your mother, you would jump off of your bed and lay on the floor in the same position your mother was in, and the one I remember most distinctly was that you started playing with two dolls, a man and a woman, making them argue. After almost thirty minutes of you repeating what I can only assume was a word-for-word recreation of one of your parents’ arguments, the man doll began beating the woman. You were shouting and swearing while pummeling the doll representing your mother. 

“You also never go near the cliff, even when all the other kids are over there playing or having a picnic. You tend to just sit on the porch step alone, or with Matthias. You have a hard time focusing a lot of the time, you are almost always nervous or anxious, you are often impulsive or aggressive, and when other bad things happen, or even good things, you sometimes have no reaction. You display almost every single symptom, and there is nothing else it could be. A treatment that often works for children or teens is cognitive behavioral therapy, a form of talk therapy. I will act as your therapist, as I have had some training in that area. We will focus on changing the way that you think about your mother’s death. We have already identified the problem, I think we both understand it pretty well, so what we need to do is fix your thinking and behavior when it comes to the cause of your problem. Since you will be staying at the school full-time starting tomorrow, I will visit you once a week. To help you for the rest of the time, I’ll get you some paroxetine. It’s an antidepressant that has been shown to have some effects on people with PTSD, and you’ll take it once a day, probably with breakfast or dinner. Other than that, there’s not much we can do.”

“Thank you. For everything.” Gracie left the room, feeling much more confident than before.

 

Chapter 5: Derek

As soon as Derek heard about the new school, Cylmark High School from his friend Kylee, he was hooked. As soon as he got home after talking to her, he went online to start the application process, afraid that all the spots would be taken, so he was shocked when there were hundreds of openings. He thought that everyone would want to go there, where you could meet and interact with creatures that you had only read about in books. Of course, he knew that they’d be disguised, but it was still really cool to think that your new best friend, team captain, or even crush could be something other than human! Unfortunately, his parents wouldn’t feel the same. They had already enrolled him at [some artsy name] Academy, a super elite art school. Yes, Derek liked drawing and painting, and he was pretty good, but he was sure that there would be art classes he could take at Cylmark. He would much rather go somewhere that he could have new experiences and fun stories to tell his grandkids someday. 

Gathering his courage, he walked downstairs to ask his dad for permission to go to Cylmark. His mother would be harder to convince, but if his dad was on his side, he might be able to. 

“Hey, Dad?” 

Not looking up from his book, Derek’s father grunted. “Hm?”

“Um… I’d prefer if you would look at me. I have an important question to ask you, and I need your full attention to make sure that you understand my reasoning.”

“Alright, son. I’m listening.” Setting his book to the side, Mr. Olsen sat up, looking at his only son amongst seven daughters. 

“So, Kylee told me about this sch-”

“Kylee?” His father interrupted. “Kylee Parker?”

“Yes, Dad.” Derek sighed, exasperated. “Remember? We were hanging out earlier today?”

“Are you two dating yet? You know her father is wealthy. If you married her, we’d be set for life.”

Dered was disgusted, and he was certain it showed on his face. “Dad, you know I hate her. I only hang out with her because you and Mom won’t let me have any other friends. Having social interaction with that self-centered spoiled brat is better than having none at all. I don’t plan on ever dating her, but it doesn’t hurt that she knows a lot more about this world than I do, she’s my only source of information.”

“Fine, fine. Go on, what were you saying before?” Derek’s father clearly wanted to get back to his book.

“She was telling me about this school, and-”

“No. We’ve already registered you for [some artsy name,] and that cost us money. No refund.”

Derek was beginning to get really frustrated. “I never wanted to go there! I don’t know why you signed me up for it in the first place! I want to go to Cylmark Academy!”

Mr. Olsen looked up in shock. “Why would Kylee tell you about that school? She should know that we don’t want you going anywhere with those horrible monsters. You are absolutely not going to that school, I forbid it!”

“I don’t get it, Dad!” Derek was almost shouting now. “Why do you and Mom hate these creatures so much? They’re different, not evil! I want to meet them, but you keep trying to live through me, send me places I don’t want to go, trying to keep me safe, to do what your parents couldn’t do for you, but all you’re doing is making me miserable!”

Mentioning his grandparents was a low blow, and Derek knew it, but he didn’t care. He had put up with his overprotective parents for long enough, but forcing him to go to [some artsy name] was the last straw.

“I feel trapped! There are so many things that I want to do for myself, but you and Mom force me to do everything that you wish that you could have done when you were younger. It’s almost like you think you get a second chance at youth because of me. Well, it’s my life, not yours, so think again! I am going to live my life my way!”

Derek’s father had sat silently, taking his son’s anger peacefully. Once he noticed that his son was done ranting, he stood up, walked over to the mantle where they kept their pictures. Searching through the photos, he finally turned back around with a picture of a baby boy, but it wasn’t Derek.

Softly, Mr. Olsen began to speak. “This was your younger brother. His name was Jonathan. About a week after his birth, we had a huge party celebrating him, just like we did for you and your sisters. We invited people from both realms, human and Fae. Before long, it was time for his nap. We put him to bed and continued the celebration outside. We soon noticed that nearly all of the fairies had left. When we went inside to search for them, we arrived just as they were flying off, carrying your brother away from us forever. None of the other creatures even cared, they all just left, drunk and laughing. We later received news that his remains were found in the river, a few miles downstream. He was covered in marks from all different kinds of creatures. Scratch marks, bites, cuts, even hoofprints from the centaurs. They killed him, so they don’t deserve to live, especially not among us.”

Derek was shocked. He nodded, then trudged downstairs to his room. As soon as the door shut, he slid all the way across the floor to his computer, completing his registration to Cylmark. The only reason that he was shocked was that his father would tell such a huge lie. Opening his safe, Derek pulled out a very old newspaper clipping. In huge, bold letters at the top of the page was the title: Highmond Parents Harold and Maylen Olsen Given Elfin Surprise.

The article continued: 

A seemingly normal family had a seemingly normal pregnancy, but an extremely extraordinary birth. Harold and Maylen Olsen’s youngest child and second son, christened Jonathan, was born an elf. After much genetic testing, it was revealed that Mrs. Olsen’s great grandmother was an elf, as well, but not even her own children knew. Maylen Olsen’s mother, Katrina Afton said in an interview, “I thought I knew my mother, thought I knew everything about her. To suddenly find that she had kept this huge secret from us… I just don’t know what to do with this information now that I have it.” Officials are currently withholding more information, but I am sure that all of you, like us here, are wondering: What will happen to this boy?

Just from that, Derek knew the truth. His parents had given his brother away, not lost him. His hope with Cylmark Academy was that somehow he might finally meet his brother. I’d better get packed, he thought. Term starts tomorrow.

~*.*.*.*.*~

Derek arrived at the dorm nearly two hours early, so he was extremely shocked when he opened the door to another boy standing up and looking like a deer in headlights, holding a book titled Is It Love? Or Are You Just That Lonely? That title alone was enough to make Derek laugh, but what made it even funnier was that when the boy looked at the cover, he blushed and let out a nervous chuckle, as if he hadn’t even glanced at the title.

“I’m Derek. You’re going to have to let me borrow that book when you’re done with it.” He smiled, hoping to put his roommate at ease.

“I didn’t even start it, I was reading a different book with an equally bad title, so when I heard your key in the door, I swapped them out without looking at the cover, hoping that it was at least a little less embarrassing title than-” He picked out a book from the shelf, reading off the title. “-What Are Women? A Guide to the Understanding of Feminine Wiles.”  They both roared with laughter, wondering how such books as these were published. “I’m Matthias, by the way.” The boy held out his hand, which Derek gladly accepted. 

Derek could tell that he and Matt would get along really well. He might even have his first friend that wasn’t forced on him by his family’s reputation and rules.

After reading off every book title on the shelf, the two boys decided they should probably start unpacking and moving in. Their other two roommates were yet to show up, so they had their pick of bunks. The dorm was split into three areas. In the first, where the bookshelf was, there was also a couch and a broken-down television set. The next area had the two bedrooms, which each had a bunk bed, two desks, and two closets. It also had a small bathroom, which was in between the two rooms, connected to both through a door. The last section was the kitchen, which already had pots and pans, silverware, and dishes. There was no dishwasher, which meant that all dishes would need to be hand-cleaned. There was also a small washing machine and clothes-dryer just to the left of the door out into the hall of the dorm building. 

Matthias and Derek put their bags in the bedroom closest to the door, then reluctantly began putting stuff away. Suddenly, Matthias’s phone began to ring, so he picked it up and put it to his ear.

“Hey, Grace! … You are? … Awesome! … Yeah, that sounds great! … You’re the best, thanks… Bye.” Putting the phone down, he turned towards Derek. “That was my friend, Gracie. She’s here too, and she is way more organized than I could ever dream to be. She’s going to come over here to help us get moved in, since she’s already done.”

“Oh, that sounds incredible! I was really dreading getting unpacked, I’m the worst at organizing stuff.”

“Me too, that’s why Gracie knew she needed to come help me. I’m hopeless at that. Maybe we should get our school bags ready?”

“That, I can do.” Matthias and Derek laughed, then pulled out their school bags and began cramming notebooks and textbooks into the pockets. 

Before they were done, they heard a knock on the door.

“That must be Gracie, our roommates would use a key.” Matthias stood up to open the door. “Hey, Grace! Come on in, we really need your help.”

When Gracie stepped into Derek’s sight, his jaw dropped. There was no way this supermodel could be just a friend to Matthias, but that’s what he acted like she was. Had she rejected him? This girl was beyond beautiful, she was a goddess! Her long, golden brown hair was loose and wavy, falling gently at her collarbones. Shorter hairs in the front framed her ocean-blue eyes that Derek was already drowning in. Her lips turned up in a slight smile, as mysterious as the Mona Lisa’s, a puzzle that Derek couldn’t wait to solve. For the first time, he didn’t have a quip ready, his go-to ‘nice to meet you’ puns and jokes had dissipated, and the only thing he could do was stare at his new muse.

Luckily for Derek, Gracie didn’t seem to notice his starstruck gaze and breezed past him to the boys’ suitcases. 

“Matthias, I helped you pack! It was nice! What did you do that all of your stuff is already a mess?”

With every word, Derek fell further into his quickly developing crush. Her voice sounded as sweet as a choir of angels, and Derek briefly wondered if he had died and this was heaven. 

“Sorry, Gracie.” Matthias sounded ashamed, as if it was his mother, and not a beautiful girl scolding him. “I guess I just ruin everything I touch.”

For the first time, Gracie looked directly at Derek, causing him to freeze up completely. “That boy is hopeless. I’m sorry you have to room with him for at least an entire year.” 

Her laugh sounds like bells, Derek thought, then mentally shook himself out of his stupor. If he wanted this girl to like him, he had to get over his silent awe and awkwardness.

“I’m sure I’m at least as bad as him, my bag looks like a wind wraith tore through it looking for my gum. Which I unfortunately cannot find.”

Not his best, but at least he didn’t stutter. Plus, to his shock, Gracie let out a tinkling burst of laughter. Maybe it was better than he thought. 

“I’m Gracie, but I’m basically Matthias’s mother.”

“Derek. What happened to the one he had?” Expecting at least a chuckle at that, Derek was surprised when they both froze up. Realizing, from their reaction, that Matthias must not have a mother, Derek flushed bright red and turned away. “Oh. Sorry.”

Suddenly, Derek felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning, he saw Matthias with an apologetic look on his face.

“You don’t need to apologize. I should have told you sooner. Gracie and I are orphans, we grew up in the same orphanage, which is how we know each other.”

Gracie piped in, “Plus, I definitely set you up for that joke. Sorry about that. You did nothing wrong, so please don’t act sorry for us or anything. We get enough people who do that. It would be nice to just have someone who treats us normal for once.”

Smiling, but still feeling awful, Derek turned back towards them. “Sounds good. I’ll let you guys take the blame for that one.” It was risky, but luckily, they both laughed, removing most of Derek’s feeling of guilt at his mistake. 

 

Edited July 11, 2020 by RadiantDramaQueen
Fixing issues with the story.

[Channelknight Fadran]

I just found this, and I don't have the time to read it right now, but I'll see when I can. I got to "humans aren't real" and snorted.

[DramaQueen]

2 hours ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

I just found this, and I don't have the time to read it right now, but I'll see when I can. I got to "humans aren't real" and snorted.

I'm so happy that you thought that was funny!!! I'm not super confident of my sense of humor.

[Gears]

Your story is great, but I have some criticisms.

1. The colours are distracting. Just make it all black. I understand that you want to differentiate the viewpoints, but a normal book doesn't have rainbows for text.

2. June is both a child who is not mature enough to know that humans are real and a person trained with a weapon and ready to kill people. This is very dissonant. If your mother was murdered and you were a kid, would your first thought be murder?

3. Some sentences feel like they're meant for the audience's understanding instead of being thoughts from the point-of-view character. "No, not like Sulley and Mike Wazowski, but creatures that you might have read about in fairytales. Fairies, elves, centaurs, imps, mermaids, trolls, and pixies are just a few examples." Sulley and Mike Wazowski don't exist in this universe, so why would Matthias be thinking about them? You have to decide between third person limited and third person omniscient. Right now, it feels like you're trying to force feed the audience information. 

4. Some sentences are from other character's point of view in the middle of someone else's chapter. In Cami's chapter, Preston thinks, "Trying not to expect too much, but extremely curious as to why this beautiful pixie was in this dark forest at this time, the white-haired boy couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer." This is Cami's chapter, not Preston's. How would Cami know that Preston is curious and thinks she is beautiful?

4. Why do the races have magical camouflage powers? If I was writing this, I would have there be a few races with camouflage powers and all the other races buy glamours from them. This would cause a distinct divide between the rich and the poor. Centaurs being able to just magically turn human seems strange. I can understand pixies, since they have magic in folklore, but centaurs?

5. Gracie's trauma seems overdone. You can make her a traumatised character without having her witness her mother's suicide. The abusive home is probably enough.

Overall, your story is good, but could be better. With a little more experience in characterisation and writing third-person limited, you'll be an amazing writer.

[DramaQueen]

5 hours ago, Gears said:

Your story is great, but I have some criticisms.

1. The colours are distracting. Just make it all black. I understand that you want to differentiate the viewpoints, but a normal book doesn't have rainbows for text.

2. June is both a child who is not mature enough to know that humans are real and a person trained with a weapon and ready to kill people. This is very dissonant. If your mother was murdered and you were a kid, would your first thought be murder?

3. Some sentences feel like they're meant for the audience's understanding instead of being thoughts from the point-of-view character. "No, not like Sulley and Mike Wazowski, but creatures that you might have read about in fairytales. Fairies, elves, centaurs, imps, mermaids, trolls, and pixies are just a few examples." Sulley and Mike Wazowski don't exist in this universe, so why would Matthias be thinking about them? You have to decide between third person limited and third person omniscient. Right now, it feels like you're trying to force feed the audience information. 

4. Some sentences are from other character's point of view in the middle of someone else's chapter. In Cami's chapter, Preston thinks, "Trying not to expect too much, but extremely curious as to why this beautiful pixie was in this dark forest at this time, the white-haired boy couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer." This is Cami's chapter, not Preston's. How would Cami know that Preston is curious and thinks she is beautiful?

4. Why do the races have magical camouflage powers? If I was writing this, I would have there be a few races with camouflage powers and all the other races buy glamours from them. This would cause a distinct divide between the rich and the poor. Centaurs being able to just magically turn human seems strange. I can understand pixies, since they have magic in folklore, but centaurs?

5. Gracie's trauma seems overdone. You can make her a traumatised character without having her witness her mother's suicide. The abusive home is probably enough.

Overall, your story is good, but could be better. With a little more experience in characterisation and writing third-person limited, you'll be an amazing writer.

1. Yeah, I was going to fix that before I posted, I just forgot to.

2. For your first point, her father was super overprotective, she should have learned that years before, I just can't figure out a way to say that without maneuvering away from the story. Secondly, she still doesn't quite believe in humans at this point, plus, she doesn't have any knowledge of them besides stories, so she views them as monsters to be removed. She will realize how wrong she is later in the story. Also, have you read Brandon Sanderson's Reckoners Trilogy? In this:

Spoiler

David has his father killed as a young boy, and as a teenager says, "I've seen Steelheart bleed. And I will see him bleed again."

I think my character's situation is fairly similar...?

3. After you bring this up, I definitely see where you're coming from. That was not a good choice, I'm just not very good at that kind of thing. However, my story does take place in this world, there's just also a portal to a mythical realm.

4. I fixed this, thanks!

You had two 4s. There is something like that. Spoilers for later in the book, though, so don't look unless you don't care about spoilers.

Spoiler

Mrs. McBride (the orphanage lady) is a fairy that was banished for treason. She decided to start an orphanage, and any Fae orphans who come, she casts a permanent glamour on them that they have the unconscious ability to turn on and off. She makes sure that they know their true identity, but has them stay in human "form" (really under a glamour,) and her magic is so strong that it feels like they are really human in form, even if they are as different as centaurs.

5. I agree that it probably is overdone, but would it work if I instead got rid of the abusive home? Her mother's suicide was the main trauma that I had planned on ever since I got the idea for this story, I only added the abusive home as I wrote this chapter.

Thanks for your input!!! I would love some advice on how to better improve point 2, It's hard for me to think of a way to fix what you brought up without changing the story, especially since I'd still need a way to get June (and, in turn, Cami and Preston) to the human realm.

Edited July 11, 2020 by RadiantDramaQueen

[Gears]

10 hours ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

2. For your first point, her father was super overprotective, she should have learned that years before, I just can't figure out a way to say that without maneuvering away from the story. Secondly, she still doesn't quite believe in humans at this point, plus, she doesn't have any knowledge of them besides stories, so she views them as monsters to be removed. She will realize how wrong she is later in the story. Also, have you read Brandon Sanderson's Reckoners Trilogy? In this:

  Reveal hidden contents

David has his father killed as a young boy, and as a teenager says, "I've seen Steelheart bleed. And I will see him bleed again."

I think my character's situation is fairly similar...?

The plot point of June not knowing humans exist mildly detracts from the realism of that moment. David knew about Epics, he admired Epics, and then the Epic betrayed his admiration. It felt a lot more personal. Here, June learns that humans exist, they killed her mother, so she goes on a quest to kill them. It's bland and boring and meaningless. She also feels too childish to be doing these things. If you could solidify her character into something that doesn't feel like a six-year-old, it would probably make more sense. It would also help if we knew more about June's mother. Right now, she's just a blank slate labelled "Mother". June loved her, but we know absolutely nothing about her. During the tantrum scene, you could add some memories of June's mother. 

10 hours ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

3. After you bring this up, I definitely see where you're coming from. That was not a good choice, I'm just not very good at that kind of thing. However, my story does take place in this world, there's just also a portal to a mythical realm.

You have to take into account how the world would be changed by the existence of monsters. Fictional movies about them probably wouldn't exist. Sidenote: How are humans the dominant species when the monsters have magic? In Artemis Fowl, the fairy made a note of the fact that humans progenated offspring faster than fairies. There has to be a reason for things. 

10 hours ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

You had two 4s. There is something like that. Spoilers for later in the book, though, so don't look unless you don't care about spoilers.

 

There is no need to have this a secret. The identity part, sure, but you don't need to hide that she's the one who puts the glamours on the kids. You could just have the kids not realise that it takes so much power or something like that. 

10 hours ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

5. I agree that it probably is overdone, but would it work if I instead got rid of the abusive home? Her mother's suicide was the main trauma that I had planned on ever since I got the idea for this story, I only added the abusive home as I wrote this chapter.

That would probably help. You could maybe have an absent or deceased father and a mother succumbing to her depression after the father left/died. It would feel a bit more realistic. Keep in mind that having your protagonists go through trauma to make them developed characters is a common and slightly boring trope. 

10 hours ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

Thanks for your input!!! I would love some advice on how to better improve point 2, It's hard for me to think of a way to fix what you brought up without changing the story, especially since I'd still need a way to get June (and, in turn, Cami and Preston) to the human realm.

You could make June older, have her know about humans, and just keep the mother's death a secret. Make her an older teen or something. Also, have some build-up chapters. A prologue to introduce the human-fairy conflict. A few chapters to characterise everyone. Don't just jump straight into the conflict. That contributes to the rushed feeling.

Worldbuilding: It feels like you've made this story fantasy for the sake of being fantasy. What is added by this story's fantasy that wouldn't be there otherwise? You could just have individuals with powers that are oppressed by the regular people. Why is your setting this way? All of these races feel human. Distinguish them somehow. Add some culture and history. Fairies hate werewolves. Why? Add some strange inhuman instincts to your non-humans. Have your centaur sleep standing up, etc. Mention other cultures that exist off-screen. Maybe there's a war going on with the goblin nation. Maybe the humans and the vampires have a peaceful trading relationship. Things like that can make a world feel more real. 

[Channelknight Fadran]

I just read through all of it, and I'm going to provide you with my B-Grade editing protocol (because C-Grade is too boring and you do not want my A-Grade). If I'm ignoring the writing itself (which was generally really good, with just a couple nitpicks here and there), then the only thing I feel like we're missing is some exposition. You've made a mistake that I like to call "Hookcrafting," where rather than taking time to develop your characters through the first few "boring" chapters, you've opted to start right off with conflict.

Some chapters with June, her father, and her friend Cami would be great (show the friendship between June and Cami, don't tell it). Some attachment between June and her mother would really develop June's response to learning how her mother died in the first place. Perhaps make Preston a little more hardened, more battle-worn, and less susceptible to surprise.

Meanwhile, with Gracie, Derek, and Matthias--perhaps start with Gracie and Derek knowing each other, hanging out, etcetera. In fact, you might want to introduce Derek and Matthias seperately through Gracie's point of view of them. She considers Matthias as just a friend, and [insert how she views Derek because I have no idea what she thinks of him]. It might be more effective to show Derek's awkwardness around her when they're hanging out, to build an implied crush, and not a narratively factual one. In Gracie's chapter, you describe how she has some crushing PTSD, and how she doesn't have many friends, but in the other chapters she doesn't show that at all. Expand on how she tries to hide her PTSD under a layer of fun and laughter (did I just write that sentence?). You might also want to give us a reason why Gracie doesn't like the nurse.

After that, you can use the school as a lynchpin (did I spell that right? I don't think I spelled that right). Develop some connections between the reader and the characters, give us a reason to want to interact them. Currently, I'm not particularly interested in what's going to happen when Cami and Derek run into each other, or June and Gracie. Build on each character, expand on the world, provide some conflict after exposition, and then pull the "Cylmark High School" card on us to link them all together, and BOOM! HOOK!

So there you go... peer-editing.

Sincerely,

-Channelknight Fadran

[DramaQueen]

4 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Some chapters with June, her father, and her friend Cami would be great (show the friendship between June and Cami, don't tell it). Some attachment between June and her mother would really develop June's response to learning how her mother died in the first place. Perhaps make Preston a little more hardened, more battle-worn, and less susceptible to surprise.

I agree with the first two suggestions in this, but with Preston's character, I wanted to provide a contrast between Cami's expectations of him and his actual personality. She expects werewolves to be hardened and tough and intimidating, so she's shocked when she realizes that not all of them are.

6 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Meanwhile, with Gracie, Derek, and Matthias--perhaps start with Gracie and Derek knowing each other, hanging out, etcetera. In fact, you might want to introduce Derek and Matthias seperately through Gracie's point of view of them. She considers Matthias as just a friend, and [insert how she views Derek because I have no idea what she thinks of him]. It might be more effective to show Derek's awkwardness around her when they're hanging out, to build an implied crush, and not a narratively factual one. In Gracie's chapter, you describe how she has some crushing PTSD, and how she doesn't have many friends, but in the other chapters she doesn't show that at all. Expand on how she tries to hide her PTSD under a layer of fun and laughter (did I just write that sentence?). You might also want to give us a reason why Gracie doesn't like the nurse.

I love this input and these suggestions, and I will probably apply them, (as well as the ones in your first paragraph that I agreed with) but I think I would first like to have the entire story, flawed though it may be, drafted out. For some reason I have not done that yet.

9 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

After that, you can use the school as a lynchpin (did I spell that right? I don't think I spelled that right). Develop some connections between the reader and the characters, give us a reason to want to interact them. Currently, I'm not particularly interested in what's going to happen when Cami and Derek run into each other, or June and Gracie. Build on each character, expand on the world, provide some conflict after exposition, and then pull the "Cylmark High School" card on us to link them all together, and BOOM! HOOK!

This is definitely some great advice, and I will most definitely be using this when I get around to a second draft, doing the whole thing improved.

[Channelknight Fadran]

3 minutes ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

I agree with the first two suggestions in this, but with Preston's character, I wanted to provide a contrast between Cami's expectations of him and his actual personality. She expects werewolves to be hardened and tough and intimidating, so she's shocked when she realizes that not all of them are.

Gotcha. Immediate approval.

3 minutes ago, RadiantDramaQueen said:

I love this input and these suggestions, and I will probably apply them, (as well as the ones in your first paragraph that I agreed with) but I think I would first like to have the entire story, flawed though it may be, drafted out. For some reason I have not done that yet.

This is definitely some great advice, and I will most definitely be using this when I get around to a second draft, doing the whole thing improved.

Drafts are, indeed, important. You do you, and good luck!

[DramaQueen]

On 7/11/2020 at 10:58 AM, Channelknight Fadran said:

Drafts are, indeed, important. You do you, and good luck!

Thank you!!! Good luck on whatever writing you may do as well!

[DramaQueen]

On 7/11/2020 at 10:43 AM, Channelknight Fadran said:

show the friendship between June and Cami, don't tell it

Hey, Fadran, look what I found. Direct contradiction to your advice on RightingWrong. From yourself. Also, sorry for double posting. Oh, well.

[Channelknight Fadran]

1 minute ago, DramaQueen said:

Hey, Fadran, look what I found. Direct contradiction to your advice on RightingWrong. From yourself. Also, sorry for double posting. Oh, well.

Times change, I suppose.

Also, it doesn't really count as double-posting if the post before was several months ago.

[DramaQueen]

4 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

Times change, I suppose.

Also, it doesn't really count as double-posting if the post before was several months ago.

That is true.

Someone want to explain to me why I decided to search this out? I'm cringing. A lot. This thread is not fun.

[Channelknight Fadran]

2 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

That is true.

Someone want to explain to me why I decided to search this out? I'm cringing. A lot. This thread is not fun.

I imagine that you're searching it out because you wanted to read your old works. I do it all the time! I have an old document literally so chock-full of comments that the scrollbar goes twice as far as the actual pages.

[DramaQueen]

Just now, Channelknight Fadran said:

I imagine that you're searching it out because you wanted to read your old works. I do it all the time! I have an old document literally so chock-full of comments that the scrollbar goes twice as far as the actual pages.

I didn't even read the writing, just the critiques from you and Gears and my responses. I don't even sound human.

[Condensation]

I like this. It's a good concept!

[DramaQueen]

3 minutes ago, Condensation said:

I like this. It's a good concept!

Oh, thanks. I don't like the current state of this. It is a good concept, though.

[Condensation]

13 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

Oh, thanks. I don't like the current state of this. It is a good concept, though.

Yes. If I were you, I would table it and come back to it in a couple months/years when you have an even better perspective.