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shatteredsmooth

July 6 2020_ShatteredSmooth (Sara) Book of Mel_Chapter 10_Sub 11 (3465 words)

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Hi Everyone,
 
Here is my next submission! Chapter 1-6 have had some significant revisions, but I'm still thinking about what to do with 7-9. If you've given me feedback and I haven't replied, it's because I'm still contemplating it and haven't figured out what I'm doing.
 
After this week, I might take a week or two off from submitting this book. I have multiple versions of Ch. 11, and I think I'll need to revise the earlier chapters before I figure out what to do with it. 
 
I have no specific questions about this chapter. Whatever feedback you have to offer will be appreciated. 
 
Thank  you!!
 
 
 
Recap:
Ch. 1
The night before classes start, M saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl in class and realizes the guy-she-saved is the TA (Mi). 
 
Ch. 2 (revised)
 M follows Mi, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate, A, and the girl she met in class.
 
Ch. 3 (revised)
M meets Mi on a rooftop. Tasha has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. M and T almost kiss. M heals Tasha's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy.  M flees to her room, but Ally has company. 
 
Ch. 4 (revised)
M missed the masquerade because Mi's ghost hunter friends went missing. Turns out they summoned some demons. M almost died fighting them. 
 
Ch. 5 (Revised): Mike said the ghost hunters are alive. M goes out for pizza with Ally and Tasha, where there is lots of flirting. Mi shows up and begs her to go with him to meet the ghost hunters. Fearing he's in danger, she goes, but their office was empty, and then a possessed driver tried to run Mi over with a car. 
 
Ch. 6 (Revised). M was alone with Mi. They cuddle and talk a little about feelings and a lot about the paranormal. 
 
Ch. 7 (revision in-progress):  A sparring match with T turned spicy. M's mental shields and telepathy malfunctioned at a very inconvenient time. 
 
Ch. 8 (revision in-progress): M had dinner plans with Mi, but she gets called away to hunt a demon. There was a telepathic battle. She got some information  from the demon and her head got messed up. 
 
Ch. 9: (last time / revision in-progress) M's telepathy and shielding weren't working right after the demon fight. She was a mess, and sought out T, but T was a sleep, so she went looking for Mi and ended up staying over at his house. 
 
Ch. 10: (This time): M has a hangover. Mi fixes her phone and reads messages M should have deleted. 
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Hi

before I start, where can I find the revised chapters? I want to look at them.

2) C was perched on it. Cars drove down. I'm not sure that the double sound works.

2) I don't have any milk - wow, he's definitively a college dude.

2) wait, there was a problem with her phone? I don't remember this. Probably my fault.

2) Blackout protocol? did anyone mention this earlier? I don't remember. Something on Mi's end, I assume, if he's worried enough to dig through M's texts.

3) ahh, yes. It would help if I read a few lines later.

4) when did he find out that the recording was M?

8) so this is the whole I like you so I have to stay away from you angryfest. Ok.

OVERALL: fine, and most of my problems with this chapter is that I can't remember what happened in earlier chapters. Other than issues on my end, I liked it besides the fight at the end, which feels a bit cliched.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So now that you're taking a break to revise, I think you've got the hang of this one! I enjoyed this chapter I think the most out of any. We finally get communication between the two, and I'm ready for M and Mi to go out demon hunting together. I didn't have a lot of notes because I was enjoying the chapter so much. My only problem was the sort of trope-y breakup at the end. I guess this is halfway through the book or so? I'm ready for them to join forces, not separate.I want them to use their strengths together...

Anyway, interested to see what you do with this!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "crash of rhinoceroses"
--I am exceedingly happy you used this.

pg 1: "one particular soft throw blanket"
--Should we know about this blanket? It sounds like it has a history.

pg 1: "she’d regained some energy while she slept, her head felt worse. She had hoped that her head would’ve healed while she slept, but now it felt worse."
--repetition

pg 1: "had broken something in her head"
--this seems a lot more serious that what happened a couple chapters ago.

pg 2: There are a lot of short choppy description sentences at the top of the page. Is this signifying something? Otherwise, it's sort of dragging down the tension.

pg 2: "if he read her texts, he’d probably be able to piece together what she was."
--I'm almost hoping this is true, so they can move forward.

pg 2: “What else did I say?”
--He only said she said one thing, so I feel like this should be "did I say anything else."

pg 3: “So you decided to go through my phone.” 
--oh, ok, so these two things are related. The conclusion was a little hard to get to.

pg 3: "after all time she’d spent unknowingly reading his mind...this was earned payback."
--yep. Except communicating with each other would have been a lot easier. So it goes...

pg 4: Aha! Things are coming unraveled!

pg 5: "You couldn’t not read my mind"
Ah. I was going to say it was a stretch he concludes she can read minds, but I guess he read that too.

pg 8: Lol. I had to un-redact your note just too see what was under it.

pg 9: Really enjoying this chapter, then got to the "I can't be with you because I'll put you in danger" trope and...meh? I was really rooting for them to go kick some demon butt now they were aligned, but then within the space of half a page, they're broken up. I think this needs to have more buildup if they're going to separate. I guess it depends on how things go in the next few chapters.

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Overall

The emotional arc confused me. I like the connection between the two characters and it is progressing the relationship nicely. I thought Mi's emotions were too often told and not shown. The end of the chapter confused me. he wants to break if off to protect her (trope! take a drink!) and she's upset....why? She doesn't say 'I don't need protecting I'm half angel you human nitwit' or anything, just talks about how he's okay with mind reading and such. So the ending doesn't really land for me. Otherwise the chapter had good progression!

 

As I go

- every chapter starts with food and I love it

- those first couple paragraphs are heavy with 'felt like XYZ body thing,' but I think we only need maybe one of them. The rest could be shown through action

- pg 4: How dangerous <-- I think my question would have been more YOU'RE HALF ANGEL WHAT??

- pg 5: Since we can see into Mi's mind, I'm grumpy we get told his emotions and don't see them through his actions and words and thoughts

- pg 8: His anxiety calmed down, but the anger and guilt got stronger  <-- yeah all this stuff I want to see, not be told

- why is she storming out?

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Comments!

(page 1)

- "find the bacon" - LOL.

- "hoped that her head would’ve healed while she slept" - Oh, boy, I have hoped this a time or two... :rolleyes:

- "Worry and anger warred in his head" - Yeah, it took @Mandamon's comment on the last chapter to remind me of this, because it is brushed over as the most natural thing in the world, something that's accepted, that she can, and chooses to, sense his emotions. If this is happening specifically as s result of the demon damaging her mind--and she does not in fact want to do it (as was discussed earlier on), then I think you really need to show her calling herself out, or feeling that something is wrong.

(page 3)

- "Blackout Protocol" - I don't remember what this is either, context or detail.

- "What’s a Siphon?" - not sure that we've heard about this either.

- "people reading her texts" - yeah, she does totally deserve this after reading his mind all those times, and others'. It's rather poetic justice.

(page 4)

- "glowing being growing gradually dimmer" - really awkward. I know it's LBL, but I thought it was worth special mention ;) 

- "My device recorded you almost dying in a trap the people I built it for had set for you" - This is excellent and very much the sort of stakes that I want to be coming out now. I said last time that a slow chapter was cool as long as followed by one that ups the ante, and this fits the bill for me. A good bit of conflict is just what the story needed, especially between these two.

(page 5)

- "An attack up in Maine would keep their attention away from Boston" - Maybe WRS, but not sure I really grasped the geography when this happened before.

- "They would’ve died" - Who?

- "I watched you through the scanner while you slept" - Excellent.

(page 7)

- "I just told you I can’t keep your feelings out of my head" - Whoo, this is a really passive aggressive way to thin of it!! Like it's his fault!

- "searching her memories for Blackout Protocol" - Was it? I don't remember it being specific about what it was looking for, but that might be my DRS from yesterday.

(page 8)

-  The redacted stuff is cool. Nice touch. And the introduction of Ev----ar.

- "you’re supposed to be taking a break from all this" - Since when has this been a thing? I don't really remember this from earlier in the story, but it might be WRS. The thing is, she got  call to go help grandfather et al, so it must be a new thing.

(page 9)

- I don't really follow the logic of the breakup here. He doesn't come out and say it, for one thing, and then she assumes (although he does not deny it). I'd just prefer if it was clearer, and I didn't have to guess or presume their intentions. 

OVERALL 

Yes, I like all the conflict in this chapter and the inevitable breakdown when all this stuff came out. I think it's pretty well done (although it want emotional intent to be much clearer during the argument. She is rather getting what she deserved with all the head reading stuff, so that was good, something like this was coming, and I rather enjoyed it when it arrived.

Good job.

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Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, "A sizzling and popping" My brain immediately jumps to popcorn. 

Pg 1, "Bacon." Even better than popcorn.

Pg 1, "demanding she rise for her cocoon of blankets and find the bacon." I'm picturing a M-like dog buried under blankets, nose a twitching for bacon

Pg 1, " glared at the bluboard on the ceiling" I am assuming that bluboard is some kind of construction material, but I actually have no clue. I Googled it and came up with computer software, mostly. 

Pg 1, " the pounding headache got worse." I feel like putting my hands on my hips and saying, "Now whose fault is that?"

Pg 1, "She toppled over, crashing onto the plywood floor." I feel almost bad for finding this funny.

Pg 1, " but now it felt worse" That's because you got seriously drunk while your brain's all falling to pieces. I have little sympathy. I can understand wanting to escape into drunkedness for a while (goodness knows I've been surrounded by enough people who have that habit), but at the same time, I have very little sympathy for her situation. I mean, considering Mi seems both worried and angry, I'd be annoyed if someone came over to my house, got seriously drunk, then passed out. But, hey, at least she didn't vomit all over his construction project.

Pg 2, "it would’ve broken if she tried to tame her hair with it." I can sympathize :(

Pg 2, "I don’t have any milk or cream that hasn’t soured.” Considering the bread was also moldy, I hope the bacon and eggs are safe to eat.

Pg 2, " you delete something doesn’t mean it is actually gone." Uh oh, what'd he read???

Pg 2, "Her muscles tightened"

Pg 3, "She picked up another piece of bacon." Ugh, they're acting all casual but I can feel the tension in the room just like I can almost taste that bacon. I almost wish that Mi would just yell at her or something than keeping up with this nail biting charade of "everything is fine." Him being calm on the outside is so much worse.

Pg 3, "The first time I heard that phrase was because you said it." I'm trying to remember if he said it or thought it.

Pg 3,  “What’s a Siphon?” Will she tell the truth, or lie, and claim it is something that has to do with plumbing?

Pg 3, "this was earned payback" Earned payback when Mi didn't know he was in debt.

Pg 3, "A Demon that feeds off of fear" Finally telling the truth!!! I am excited! Now the story can really get going! Unless M doesn't tell him everything, and she probably won't.

Pg 3, "A Demon hunter.” That's putting it simply. Our boy is definitely going to end up with the simplified version.

Pg 4, " the cosplay event" I'm forgetting to add comments because oh boy oh boy oh boy Mi's getting answers. I'm sitting on the edge of my chair wanting to inhale this chapter and forget about critiquing. I have been waiting for this.

Pg 5, "the blood pooled around their slit throats." Oh no, Mi's friends are the reason why the hikers are missing!!! 

Pg 5, "Betrayal and guilt. Heart crushing anxiety." He 1) needs a hug and 2) hopefully won't develop a phobia that won't let him step outside for fear of being murdered, being killed by demons, getting betrayed by possible girlfriends, definitely getting betrayed by science-paranormal friends, plus everything in his past...I lied, boy doesn't need a hug, he needs a therapist.

Pg 5, "They killed the hikers,”

Pg 6, " That’s you’d risk yourself"

Pg 6, "she might have gotten up and run out of his house" Glad for once she wasn't able to run from her problems.

Pg 7, " Something you are okay with letting me use to distract myself." I started thinking of Avatar: The Last Airbender as my first idea of a pleasant thought.

Pg 7, " thinking about the smell of the bacon and the sun outside" Those are pleasant thoughts.

Pg 8, "wordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswords" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I didn't know what I was hoping for when I thought I'd see what the redacted said, but this is so much better than anything I could have come up with.

Pg 9, "you are ending whatever this is because you think you're endangering me?" Oh no, this isn't going to go well.

Pg 9, " I’ll be gone by the time you come up." There goes M, running like always. Although in this case, I think both Mi and M need a break to sort out how they feel.

Pg 9, " I’ll send you their numbers in case you didn’t save it." Glad she isn't leaving him high and dry.

Pg 9, "wishing she’d never met him" Admittedly, life would have been a lot more simple if she hadn't, but where's the fun in that?

Thoroughly enjoyed this chapter! It might be my new favorite. I'm curious to see if C will stop M after she storms out, or if C will stay to watch Mi. 

 

 

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19 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 8, "wordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswords" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I didn't know what I was hoping for when I thought I'd see what the redacted said, but this is so much better than anything I could have come up with.

Ha! I'm losing my touch. It never even occurred to me that I was reading a Word file, and could highlight that text to see what it was :rolleyes:. I must have been so totally immersed.

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