May 16 2020 Book of Mel Ch 7, Sub 8 (4058 Words) (SN)

[shatteredsmooth]

Content Warnings:

S and N for kissing, removal of tops, and wandering hands. The kissing and partial nudity is on page 7 and 8 if you need to skip it. There is a somewhat suggestive sparring match before it. 

 

Hi,

Sorry for this being late. My brain wasn't behaving this weekend, especially yesterday when my anxiety got pretty bad.

 

The actual submission is 4058 words, but there is a short excerpt from the revised Ch. 5 at the end because there are a few lines of dialogue in this that might not make sense without it. That excerpt is about 400 words, so the total is still under 5,000. 

 

Anyway, whatever comments you have on this chapter are welcome. It might be a disaster. Focusing on any editing was more of a struggle than usual. I almost wasn't going to send it at all, but I  feel stuck really need feedback to move on.

 

Thanks!

 

Sara

 

P.S. I have made a lot of changes to the M, T, A dynamics in the first six chapters. I think I fixed some of the issues with M not seeming interested enough, but

 

 

Recap:
Ch. 1

The night before classes start, M saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl in class and realizes the guy-she-saved is the TA (Mi). 

 

Ch. 2 (revised)

 M follows Mi, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate, A, and the girl she met in class.

 

Ch. 3 (revised)

M meets Mi on a rooftop. Tasha has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. M and T almost kiss. M heals Tasha's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy.  M flees to her room, but Ally has company. 

 

Ch. 4 (revised)

M missed the masquerade because Mi's ghost hunter friends went missing. Turns out they summoned some demons. M almost died fighting them. 

 

Ch. 5 (Revised): Mike said the ghost hunters are alive. M goes out for pizza with Ally and Tasha, where there is lots of flirting. Mi shows up and begs her to go with him to meet the ghost hunters. Fearing he's in danger, she goes, but their office was empty, and then a possessed driver tried to run Mi over with a car. 

 

Ch. 6 (last time). M was alone with Mi. They cuddle and talk a little about feelings and a lot about the paranormal. 

 

Ch. 7 (this time): Hurt feelings over breakfast with A and T. A sparring match with T turns spicy. M's mental shields and telepathy malfunction at a very inconvenient time. 

[Turin Turambar]

Hi!

1) do you have some sort of mechanical system behind the scenes about M's spending of energy?

2) It was completely innocent - well, I don't know about that.

2) The conversation between A and T and M is surprisingly entertaining about the definition of sleep. LOL

2) Go to the gym - I can sympathize.

4) MMA? I had to look it up.

5) I get the feeling that M wants them, but there doesn't seem to be any romantic tension for M. Mostly, she seems to like M more. [I have to resist making chocolate candy jokes here.] If you're trying to make a love triangle, I think that two of those legs seem to be failing.

8) Triangle still doesn't work. All of the emotions come from the other two girls.

10) If he doesn't have gender, how is he her dad? Also as an angel, does he care about her orientation?

Well, this was a fun chapter. I kind of wanted to see M walk in on M and her dad, though that would probably break the pacing and whatnot. Keep up the novel!

 

 

 

[shatteredsmooth]

8 hours ago, Turin Turambar said:

5) I get the feeling that M wants them, but there doesn't seem to be any romantic tension for M. Mostly, she seems to like M more. [I have to resist making chocolate candy jokes here.] If you're trying to make a love triangle, I think that two of those legs seem to be failing.

 

I'm starting to wonder if I should just take the triangle out. I keep going back and revising earlier chapters so there is more romantic tension, but then I get to new ones like this which have been revised along with the earlier chapters, and it still isn't there. That makes I wonder  if actually fixed it in the other chapters,

8 hours ago, Turin Turambar said:

10) If he doesn't have gender, how is he her dad? Also as an angel, does he care about her orientation?

 

He can take on a gendered form with the necessary equipment, but does not naturally have a gender. I'll try to clarify. Or just take that line about gender out. I'm not sure which yet.

8 hours ago, Turin Turambar said:

I kind of wanted to see M walk in on M and her dad, though that would probably break the pacing and whatnot

So in my first version of this chapter, when the Dad left, Mi was there asking who she had been talking too, because he heard her talking, but didn't see anyone, so she had quickly turned around with her phone and said she was talking to her dad. I took it out because I wanted T to be more of the focus, and the conversation Mi and M had was awkward in a bad way an didn't add to the plot. 

 

Thank you for the feedback! 

[Mandamon]

Similar concerns to @Turin Turambar on the love triangle. I also agree T& A (giggle) seem to be doing all the heavy lifting. However, I think taking their relationship out would leave the book without much tension.

I think I might have pinpointed what I'm having a problem with. M is operating very much at a 13/14-yo level for most of the time, wondering how bodies and sex works. (Except for the sparring/wrestling scene). However, everyone else seems to be operating at a late teen stage, wondering how and with who to have sex. I know M has an arc with ace/orientation in this book, but right now it reads more as if she's developing biologically, rather than in terms of sexual preference....Hopefully that's all clear. No offence meant, as I'm not at all ace and so have a harder time putting myself in that character, but the progression seems off to me while reading. Maybe this is a more standard ace progression, but I'm not really getting it yet.

 

Notes while reading:

(doing the Ch 5 excerpt first)

pg 12: "It made her want to kiss them."
--This seems very juvenile compared with the previous sentence. I'd rather be shown she wants to kiss them, or just let the prior sentence stand by itself.

pg 12: "realizing that was wrong on so many levels"
--Why? Isn't that what she's been going after the whole book?

pg 12/13: Mi's interruption works a lot better now, but I still feel like M was already drawing away from the girls and was only brought back because her shields dropped.

(Ch 7)

pg 1: "but I don’t care who you..."
--Ah. I think this might be my issue with M in this book. Everyone around her seems perfectly comfortable with regards to relationships, and then M is like, "Do I want to kiss this person? What would it be like?" The contrast makes her seem even more naive.

pg 2: "Even though all he did was lay down next to her..."
--this section was a little awkward because we're getting Mi's thoughs from the past when M sensed them. Took me a moment to realize Mi wasn't in the room.

pg 3: "The way they’d interacted hadn’t exactly been platonic, but even after admitting they liked each other, they never talked about what they meant."
--This is another example of the contrast I'm talking about. It might just be word choice. It's like M's operating in an MG book, and everyone else is in a YA book.

pg 3: "So did you two only sleep together..."
--yet in ch 5 she was visualizing being with both of them. I'm not quite sure where  "Only two out of three of a threesome getting together" falls within the jealousy lines...

pg 3: "all three of us were going to do stuff "
--ah, this is better. Maybe make the assumption that they particularly wanted all three of them together before the above.

pg 3: "but she hadn’t even been entirely sure if she’d really wanted to go further."
--this is another point that keeps coming up as well. I can't remember if M has actually told everyone she's interested in that she's not sure about the physical side, because they all seem rearing to go...

pg 4: "Sparring with someone she had a crush on would be very different than sparring with family."
--I...hm...I don't know if this is the best thing to suggest as a diversion when some part of the pair maybe very interested in the other...

pg 4: "You already did, M thought"
--whoo..I have a lot more sympathy with T and A right now.

pg 4: "but you are taking it to a whole new level.” 
--I mean, I'm all for a sexy wrestling match, and I think T and A (do I need to start referring to them as T&A?) are too, but I don't think M is.

pg 5: "All of you.”
--I feel like this should be a bigger section.

pg 5: "go and critique their form."
--Ha. I get this way when I see others practicing martial arts.

pg 5: “I need this.”
--but didn't she sort of need it two days ago? Waiting so long seems like it would take the tension out of everything.

pg 6: "What else do you think is hot about me?” 
--to me, this is not something a person who is not yet sure about physical relationships would ask...

pg 8: This shows a really good reason why M might avoid physical situations. I think this might be what was missing earlier, as a visceral explanation of how she gets overwhelmed.

pg 9-10: This is all really good, and I think if it comes earlier in the book it will much better illustrate why M needs to keep her distance.

pg 10: "You might not have the same problem once you’ve recovered more.”
--Hmm...this sort of sucks the tension out of things. We had a good flaw that kept M from relationships, but now she can just rest up and it's fine. I'd much rather she had to work hard at it and thus develop over the book.

[TheDwarfyOne]

Thoughts as I go:

P. 1. M glared at… who?

Redlight should be red light.

P. 2. The internal monologue here feels a bit repetitive and could be condensed.

I’m guessing ‘ace’ is some kind of American slang?

First time ever, not every.

P. 3. T’s lips purchased together? What did they buy? XD

What’s a suitmate?

P. 4. The first rule of Fight Club?

P.5. “Um, who do you actually have feelings for?” This seems out of the blue and inorganic.

P. 6. M. doesn’t know for SURE that thinking about her body is why T’s fighting is getting worse. It could be awkwardness from the conversation or any number of things.

Call it for the day

The kiss and its instigation feel clunky. I think it’s because you don’t convey the emotions they are feeling, just give a blow by blow of what happens.

“When the suit, no one else was there”?

P. 8. The two sentences beginning with A’s name towards the end could probably be conjoined.

P.9. Her head ached.

P. 10. Huh, her dad’s an angel. I feel like an angel wouldn’t have a similar perspective to M on the whole importance of kissing thing, but that’s a personal preconception.

 

There was a lot of clunky description in this chapter. I think it's because you frequently tell rather than show. There were 

I feel like I wasn't invested in M, probably because this is the only chapter I've read. So far all I really know is she wants to kiss people but can't, but I don't really care about that. I will also admit that I wouldn't choose this sub-genre, so that may also explain my lack of connection.

Your writing style was good.

[shatteredsmooth]

50 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

I think I might have pinpointed what I'm having a problem with. M is operating very much at a 13/14-yo level for most of the time, wondering how bodies and sex works. (Except for the sparring/wrestling scene). However, everyone else seems to be operating at a late teen stage, wondering how and with who to have sex. I know M has an arc with ace/orientation in this book, but right now it reads more as if she's developing biologically, rather than in terms of sexual preference....Hopefully that's all clear. No offence meant, as I'm not at all ace and so have a harder time putting myself in that character, but the progression seems off to me while reading. Maybe this is a more standard ace progression, but I'm not really getting it yet.

 

You've given me a lot to think about here. 

 I've been writing M through the lens of how I felt towards certain things at that age, but with quite a bit more awareness of different orientations and identities than I ever had. I was very naive and immature at 18 when I was a college freshmen and way behind my peers, so I'm not surprised that she is coming across that way. I think because of how she was raised, she might be a little behind, socially, when it comes to interacting with people who are not part of the supernatural world. However, I did not intend it to sound like she'd still developing / figuring out the physical side of how things work. I definitely need to re examine that. 

I wonder if I'm trying to explain or tell the ace-spec side of it too much and in the process am completely misconstruing certain feelings and ideas. Maybe if I cut back on the telling, explaining, and internal monologue around it, and try to show it more organically, she won't come across so young. I'm a little worried about how readers who aren't ace would see her, and maybe I've been overcompensating too much. 

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--Why? Isn't that what she's been going after the whole book?

 

I guess what I meant was she was drawing a line about not mixing mind reading and sexy times. 

 

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--this is another point that keeps coming up as well. I can't remember if M has actually told everyone she's interested in that she's not sure about the physical side, because they all seem rearing to go...

 

She hasn't talked to T & A about it in version you read. There were conversations, but I kept thinking they felt forced and cutting them. 

I did actually add a conversation about it with her and Mi in Ch.6 after rewrote the boundaries conversation  He has a similar orientation, but is a few years older than her, and has already been through everything she is struggling with (minus the telepathic complications, obviously). 

I think there needs to be  a scene where she talks to T & A about it, but I'm not quite sure where to put it. 

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--I mean, I'm all for a sexy wrestling match, and I think T and A (do I need to start referring to them as T&A?) are too, but I don't think M is.

 

She really isn't, but is worried that T & A are going to be a thing without her and leave her behind. I'm not sure if that motive was clear. 

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--but didn't she sort of need it two days ago? Waiting so long seems like it would take the tension out of everything.

 

Before I sent it, this was all on the same day. Switching it so the match was a couple days later was a last minute change. I think I'll put it back so it all happens on Tuesday.

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: This shows a really good reason why M might avoid physical situations. I think this might be what was missing earlier, as a visceral explanation of how she gets overwhelmed.

 

I can bring this up sooner. It might actually work out well if I introduce it in Ch. 3, maybe have it lead up to the out of control healing of Tasha's arm. 

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "You might not have the same problem once you’ve recovered more.”
--Hmm...this sort of sucks the tension out of things. We had a good flaw that kept M from relationships, but now she can just rest up and it's fine. I'd much rather she had to work hard at it and thus develop over the book.

Makes sense. 

 

Thank you very much for the comments. I definitely have a lot to think about now not  just for this chapter, but the whole book. :-)

[shatteredsmooth]

3 hours ago, TheDwarfyOne said:

I’m guessing ‘ace’ is some kind of American slang?

 

Maybe. It means asexual.

3 hours ago, TheDwarfyOne said:

What’s a suitmate?

 

Someone who lives in the same suite. This might be regional phrase.

3 hours ago, TheDwarfyOne said:

The kiss and its instigation feel clunky. I think it’s because you don’t convey the emotions they are feeling, just give a blow by blow of what happens.

 

Good observation. I'll work on this when I revise. 

3 hours ago, TheDwarfyOne said:

P. 10. Huh, her dad’s an angel. I feel like an angel wouldn’t have a similar perspective to M on the whole importance of kissing thing, but that’s a personal preconception.

 

Other angels might not. He is a little too into humans for his own good, though I'm not sure if that bit of info is relevant to the book or not. 

3 hours ago, TheDwarfyOne said:

There was a lot of clunky description in this chapter. I think it's because you frequently tell rather than show.

I'll definitely work on showing more when I revise. 

 

3 hours ago, TheDwarfyOne said:

I feel like I wasn't invested in M, probably because this is the only chapter I've read. So far all I really know is she wants to kiss people but can't, but I don't really care about that.

Yeah, this definitely is not one of my strongest chapters, and one of the tougher ones to jump into. Still, you made some good points that will certainly help me make it stronger. Thank you very much! 

[kais]

Overall

I don't think this scene helps any with the f/f romance. If anything, I think it hurts it. I've outlined a lot of specifics below. One thing I do want to note is that the beats in your make-out romance scenes seem to go backwards. They should build UP, not start up and decline. We need tension first, then intimacy that continues to gain traction. I've put sort of a measure by measure guide below.

On 6/17/2020 at 10:46 AM, Mandamon said:

I also agree T& A (giggle) seem to be doing all the heavy lifting.

Thirded. I think its fine to have a triangle, but the f/f line needs a lot more humanity to it. I can work with you on it, if you want? It just isn't hitting f/f beats. The f/m hits beats, because it follows sort of gendered movements. With the girls there's no...it's like everything has been removed and none of the unique attributes that go with lesbianism have been included. The closest it got was the 'eat you for dessert' quip, which was, for me, the most wlw this book has been thus far.

On 6/17/2020 at 10:46 AM, Mandamon said:

M is operating very much at a 13/14-yo level for most of the time, wondering how bodies and sex works. (Except for the sparring/wrestling scene). However, everyone else seems to be operating at a late teen stage, wondering how and with who to have sex. I know M has an arc with ace/orientation in this book, but right now it reads more as if she's developing biologically, rather than in terms of sexual preference

This 100%. I think I flagged it in my comments as well. M's dialogue and reactions are on par with someone just past pubescence in terms of comfort/discomfort. Not being ace, I'm not sure if this is a hallmark of the identity or not (like how people bounce off of douchy masculine acting in f/f relationships when it's actually a part of the culture). It might be that you just need to get a lesbian reader to help with those scenes, to sell the authenticity.

 

As I go

- pg 1: eating breakfast sandwich after breakfast sandwich <-- so I'm in a T spike right now and I relate to this so, so much

- pg 2: A was the type of person who never let the conversation lull, who always had something to say. <-- this is very telly

- pg 2: See, here it's A waving T over, not our MC. It would make M's interest much more believable if she was making ANY overture towards T

- pg 3: Why is M jealous that they slept together? She's shown no interest in either of them and even if she had, they weren't dating 

- pg 3: She had led them on then ditched them <-- well, I don't know about 'led on' but she definitely ditched, which is why I have such a hard time with the romance angle on this. Even here, where she is supposed to be interacting with them, she's just thinking about Mi

- pg 3: And in some weird twisted way, it made her want them. <-- this makes me like her even less. We have no foundation of interest, so this just makes it seem like she wants whatever she can't have

- pg 4: You already did. <-- er, I think M is entirely at fault right now

- pg 4: I'm so confused. Does she or does she not want to be with both of them? Earlier it seemed yes, now it seems like just T? There's no consistency here

- pg 5: “Um, who do you actually have feelings for?” <-- dislike. T is trans, check, so we're looking at likely having been raised as a boy, yes? So masculine socialization with a newer layer of feminine. If T weren't trans, I think this like would be more "Um, so M, do you like me? Us?" As a trans woman I'd expect a bit more directness because of upbringing, so maybe "Do you like us, M?" Either would be fine, but the line you have is...distinctly unromantic in its awkwardness and bluntness

- pg 6: Do I have America’s a!@? <-- THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING THIS

- pg 6: the boxing match is the first time I've felt any type of chemistry between these two, but the dialogue still seems so stilted. They're talking like they're very, very young and awkward in some places, more like high schoolers. I'd expect M to be cooler with the lines, at the very least. Parts of it are great, like Do I have America's..., but then the rebuttals fall flat. I think they just need some tweaking to really make them work

- T saying no to wrestling and just wanting to eat ice cream without offering a secondary activity or comment (or we could get one ice cream, and wrestle for it...) also stops the romantic progression. It reads like she is giving a hard no to continue the flirting

- pg 7: so they ARE going to wrestle? I thought they were just getting ice cream? Confusion

- pg 7: The kiss intensified <-- no telling. Show me intensity! 

- oooh wrist pinning!

- ear nibbling, meh, not so much. It takes the mood back down

- pg 7: A surge of hormones hit her head <-- not sexy

- pg 8: All the places she wanted to put her mouths and hands, how she wanted to move to the bedroom before anyone came in, and take all their clothes off. <-- this is another example of the wording not being right for the mood, and the flow clashing instead of working together. 

Another explanation below

All the places she wanted to put her mouths and hands (YES! High note), how she wanted to move to the bedroom (YES! another high note)  before anyone came in (Acceptable medium note,), and take all their clothes off (to put her mouth on the implied areas, their clothes would ALREADY have to be off. This is back at level 0)

Sex scenes, generally, move in a sort of pattern. If we think of it like numbers from 1-5, where 1 is verbal foreplay and 5 is sex, generally, a spec fic romance book would go something like this, assuming a standard three beats in a scene:

first encounter: 1,1,1

second encounter: 1,1,2

third encounter: 2,3,4

fourth encounter: 4,5,5

fifth (or final): 5,5,5

But this sentence alone goes 4,3,2,2. It's a deescalation instead of an escalation, so it steals tension instead of building it

- pg 9: the malfunctioning telepathy sending her into tears in the shower is another knock on the f/f part of this. She's constantly telepathy on with Mi, and fine. T sends her into overdrive. She wants to cuddle with Mi. She wants to run away from T

- pg 10: falling for three people <-- since when has she fallen for the roomie?

- pg 12: I want to eat you for dessert <-- actual line my gf has used

 

 

[shatteredsmooth]

57 minutes ago, kais said:

This 100%. I think I flagged it in my comments as well. M's dialogue and reactions are on par with someone just past pubescence in terms of comfort/discomfort. Not being ace, I'm not sure if this is a hallmark of the identity or not

I've found so few books with this specific kind of ace rep and don't exactly know other ace people in IRL, so I'm not really sure if I'd call it a hallmark of the identity. I'm just basing Mel's level of comfort/discomfort with how I was at 18, but I feel like I might be over doing it a little. 

 

 

1 hour ago, kais said:

- pg 9: the malfunctioning telepathy sending her into tears in the shower is another knock on the f/f part of this. She's constantly telepathy on with Mi, and fine. T sends her into overdrive. She wants to cuddle with Mi. She wants to run away from T

 

Hmm so if it had been Mi she was kissing in this scene and her shields slipped at that point, and he was feeling the kinds of things T was feeling, she would've had the same reaction. It was the intensity of what T was feeling paired with that M wasn't expecting it that triggered the reaction. If her and T had just been cuddling, there would've been no issues with the telepathy. I think in Ch. 5, M was reading T's mind while cuddling with no issues while T was talking about the masquerade, and that was more comparable to the mind reading she does around Mi.

However, I can see where you're coming from this. It looks like the telepathy is fine with the guy but a problem with the girl. 

I need to think about how to address this best. 

 

1 hour ago, kais said:

Thirded. I think its fine to have a triangle, but the f/f line needs a lot more humanity to it. I can work with you on it, if you want? It just isn't hitting f/f beats. The f/m hits beats, because it follows sort of gendered movements. With the girls there's no...it's like everything has been removed and none of the unique attributes that go with lesbianism have been included. The closest it got was the 'eat you for dessert' quip, which was, for me, the most wlw this book has been thus far.

On 6/17/2020 at 1:46 PM, Mandamon said:

I mentioned getting rid of it because I'm worried I just don't know enough to get it right. But if I do more research, and have some help, hopefully I can make it work. 

 

All the specific notes you left look super helpful. Thank you very much. :-)

[Snakenaps]

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, " the amount of energy she’d regained over night" Hopefully enough to prevent dying?

Pg 1, "it was already the single most awkward day" Oh no, what has happened since she fell asleep?

Pg 2, "You weren’t drugged?" Good for A for checking. 

Pg 2, "Is he ace?” I mean...I feel like this is a kind of off presumption. When I think that two people slept by each other but didn't get it on, I assume that maybe one or both of them want to take the relationship slow, not that one or both of them is asexual. I completely agree with M that sleeping with someone doesn't equal sex, but on the other hand, I understand that A would jump to the conclusion of Mi being ace because A obviously puts a higher priority to sex. So it's off for me, not not necessarily off for A's character.

Pg 3, "None of them were in any kind of exclusive relationship." While this is true, I think M needs to figure out what she wants, because right now her indecision is just hurting other people, and that's selfish. She shouldn't toy around with other people's feelings, especially T, who obviously really likes her. If M isn't 100% on board, I feel like then she should be the bigger person and let whomever is on the bottom rung down gently. I know relationships and attraction are never so simple, but I generally find love triangles (squares, this case?) to be hair pulling. 

Pg 4, "You already did, M thought." M hurt T first by ditching them for Mi. M continues to string T along, and, since I very much like T, it makes me mad at M. This isn't an exclusive relationship, but the lack of communication between them all is going to continue to lead to hurt feelings. 

Pg 5, "who do you actually have feelings for?" Good for T for asking. Lord, somebody needs to start a conversation and get the cards laid on the table.

Pg 5, "gathered up her books and stuffed them in her backpack" Don't run, don't run...

Pg 5, "slung her back over her shoulder and stormed away." Girl, sit your rump down and actually figure this out. Stop running away like you are having your first crush in middle or high school!!! Dang it!!! Not only do I feel like A and T are being strung along, but I feel like I am unfairly being strung along too. 

Pg 6, "Do I have America’s [sweet, sweet buttcheeks]" I understood that reference. 

Pg 6,  “What else do you think is hot about me?” I feel like this is an unfair question for M to ask, because at this point, I don't necessarily trust her to respect T's attraction to her. I feel like this falls under stringing along. I like Mi and M as a couple due to the fact the M will hopefully tell Mi the truth and she'll be able to have a partner who knows and is interested in her secret identity. I like A and T as a couple because I feel like they are very much attracted to each other, and, more importantly, are on the same page of what they want out of a relationship, unlike M. I don't like the idea of M, T, and A in a poly relationship because I don't trust M to not run away from vital conversations that need to happen. She'd be a weak link in the relationship.

Pg 7, "Can I kiss you?” First, +1 for consent. Second, I feel like this wasn't well led up to with the boxing, which felt more like having fun than flirty, even with M's question. Third, T deserves better. I don't trust M not to break T's heart with lies and doubt and indecision. 

Pg 7, "When the suit, no one else was there" *confusion* When the suit? (Honey, where is my super suit?)

Pg 7, "subconsciously thinning thinking it as doubling" 

Pg 8, "she kissed her mouth, her neck, her shoulders." Hmmm, something about this scene isn't working for me. All of the words are right, I should feel something, but instead I feel like a casual observer. It isn't because it is f/f, I've read all kinds of relationships that aren't heterosexual, and I don't care as long as the romance/attraction/tension is good. I think it is because I, at this point, don't trust M is T's heart so much that I just want T out of there. I feel like T is only going to fall more for M, thinking M feels the same, and then is going to get burned again. The foundation isn't there for me. 

Pg 8, " A surge of hormones hit her head" I find this description odd.

Pg 8, " she couldn’t breath" See? This is why I can't trust T with M. Because they want and need totally separate things. M isn't even capable of having an intense make out session without her powers betraying her. T wants to get hot and heavy immediately, and M was slow to even take her shirt off and needs to be asked to take each step. They aren't on the same level. 

Pg 9, "Maybe all three of us can fit in the shower." I can see T being down for that, but not M.

Pg 9, " I can’t...talk right now." M just isn't ready for a green-lights-go, petal-to-the-floor relationship that A definitely seems to crave, and that T may be interested in. This is why I can see T and A working, but not M. I feel awful for T. Like, you get to kiss your crush, she's taken off her shirt, and then she panics, and flees. T deserves someone on her same level.

Hmmm, this chapter felt off for me, mostly because I don't think a relationship with T or A can work. I can picture one working with Mi if M tells him about her abilities, but, as it stands, I don't think that M is mature enough for an intense relationship like T and A want, or has the magical shielding to be able to handle two people's thoughts at the same time, let alone one. Mi, with all of his past burdens, seems to need something slow, just like M.

[Robinski]

Comments  

Chapter 7

(page 3)

- "she’d wanted to kiss one of them" - Al or Ta, as opposed to Ta or Mi? Not entirely clear.

- "Maybe she had no right to be jealous..." - great emotion in this paragraph; real energy and heat. I like that, and it really cements in my mind M's feelings for Ta and for Al. For this alone, I think keeping the triangle (or is it a square now? I guess not, as Ta and Al seem to be in the same corner) is a good thing.

(page 4)

- "But what if I hurt you? > You already did" - Great lines here: just the right amount of snark.

- "I bet when you boxed" - Ta boxed? I don't remember that. Also, Ta is taller than M? That's not how I pictured it at all. I've been picturing Ta as shorter.

(page 5)

- "over her shoulder and stormed away" - Hmm. I was surprised that she stormed away. I thought the tone was different. 'All of you' is an excellent parting shot, but I was more imagining that she would hurry away or stride away. In a hurry, but not necessarily angry.

- "getting caught up on school work" - This is good. I needed this, as per my previous comment. Schoolwork is a real thing in this chapter, and that's good.

(page 9)

- "wanted to be one of them so bad" - I really enjoyed this scene. I thought the emotions were handled really well, the pacing. All going 'well' and then M's crash. I really like how it was handled. The emotions were very convincing, I thought.

- I like how she 'runs' away, wanders aimlessly, without direction. The mood around this part is really engaging. I'm really feeling the emotional confusion.

Excerpt from Chapter 5

(page 12)

Good addition, but I wonder if it takes the edge off the scene in Chapter 7, since M has already experienced some of the shock / surprise(?) at the depth of emotion in Al. Don't know, I think I'd really need to read the newer version through. Both scenes are good and clear, and hit the right emotional notes, IMO. Good job.

I think this chapter (and probably the previous insert: disregard reservation above!) are exactly what was needed to put the 'triangle' squarely at the heart of the story. I know you have earlier references, like on first meeting Ta, and the reading first meeting Al, and maybe these need a little embellishment, just to show M's thoughts, feelings, doubts towards the other girls. In any case, I think this is good work in addressing a lot of the comments that have come back