6/8/2020 - ShatteredSmooth - Book of Mel - Ch. 6 / Sub. 7 ( 4571 words)

[shatteredsmooth]

Hi Everyone,

 

There are a few places where I read and get strong, "this is really awkward" or "I know something is wrong here" but then think, "okay, but how the heck do I fix it? I don't know." Help! Please! 

 

There might be a few time-related things that seem off between the last chapter and this one. I'll try to resolve those once I finalize what I'm doing with the previous one. I've read the feedback on it but haven't decided exactly how I'm going to revise it. 

 

Is the part with the "old" video games too weird? I was laughing and making myself feel old while writing it, but am not sure if it really works or not. 

 

Otherwise, I'm open to whatever feedback you have to offer. 

 

Oh, and one more thing. So far, most chapters have had either all the potential love interests in them or none of them. But this chapter is just Mike. The next chapter will just be Ally and Tasha, but mostly Tasha. 

 

Thank you!

 

-Sara

 

Ch. 1

The night before classes start, Mel saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl in class and realizes the guy-she-saved is the TA (Mike). 

 

Ch. 2 (revised)

 Mel follows Mike, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate, Ally, and the girl she met in class.

 

Ch. 3 (revised)

Mel meets Mike on a rooftop. Tasha has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. Mel and Tasha almost kiss. Mel heals Tasha's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy.  Mel flees to her room, but Ally has company. 

 

Ch. 4 (revision in progress)

Mel missed the masquerade because Mike's ghost hunter friends went missing. Turns out they summoned some demons. Mel almost died fighting them. (revising so the connection to Mike is clearer, Mel thinks about Tasha more, and enjoys the fight [expanded with improved blocking]  more before everyone gets hurt).

 

Ch. 5 (last time. still figuring out what I'm changing.): Mike said the ghost hunters are alive. Mel had plans with Tasha and Ally, but Mike ruined them. Mel went to a ghost hunter meeting him, but their office was empty, and then a possessed drive tried to run Mike over. 

 

Ch. 6 (this time). Mel is alone with Mike, and gets some answers from him. 

 

Ch. 7 (next time): Hurt feelings. A boxing match with Tasha turns spicy. 

<added something to chapter 1 to set up for the boxing>

 

 

 

[kais]

Overall

Decent fluff here! I still don't feel convinced that M is anything other than just interested in Mi. I had no problems with the video games, but I'm older than you and remember those games fondly. But I thought the pacing was fine, and we moved along well noting this is a paranormal romance piece. Carry on!

 

As I go

- pg 1: wow she really came hard on the invitation thing, and I love how he met it with humor

- pg 2: I love the distinction in how she acts with the girls vs. Mi. However, noting her past interactions with the girls, I find it highly HIGHLY unlikely she would have said that

- pg 4: If he didn’t stay too long, her and T would never need to know. <-- this is another one of those lines that just cements that she has no real interest in T. If she did, she'd not be deceiving her like this, or she'd have a LOT more guilt about it

- pg 5: I bet you never ever look like a mad scientist at all.” <-- I don't understand this sentence

- pg 5: The creamy deliciousness curled like wood shavings as she ran the spoon up the inside of the almost empty tub <-- This imagery ruins the ice cream for me. I've eaten my fair share of curly wood shavings (hazard of the profession) and while I get the visual you are going for, the TEXTURE of wood just...ruins the ice cream for me

- pg 5: was no longer on the verge of a major panic attack <-- woah. what happened to flirting??? Hard turn there! Is she uncomfortable? Where did this come from?

- pg 6: and he's cool with talking tech and not suggestively eating more ice cream?? Having suggestively eaten ice cream while trying to seduce a woman, I can tell you that talk of tech, even cool supernatural tech, would NOT be on my mind.

- pg 6: Their hand looked like a knot <-- what is happening here? Another random turn. Why is he doing this hand pressing to cheek thing?

- pg 6: It was all he wanted to think about <-- yes, this seems realistic. So why isn't she as into it? I'd find the romance line more convincing if she was actually into the romance, though she shows more interest in M than the girls for sure

- pg 7: ahh, conveniently low energy! Love it. Though I'm surprised she let him open the app

- pg 10: But now she realized he hadn’t picked a side <-- she has clearly picked a side

- pg 11: You can be as naked as you want <-- for how pro-verbal consent M is, this is super forward. Why doesn't she feel uncomfortable?

 

[Mandamon]

I wonder if you getting the feeling of "wrong" because M's motivations are all over the place for this chapter. I think @kais picked up on some of the same things, but it seems like M is switching from not interested, to yes interested, to tech talk, to friendzone, to interested again...I honestly can't keep straight what she's going for and if I were Mi, I'd be incredibly confused by all the mixed signals.

I think the plot progression is fine here, but the emotions going along with it don't track. You can see in my, er, extensive and confused notes... ;-)

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "It’s not an invitation..."
--This reads as one of those awkward spots to me. I looked back at the end of the last chapter to see if Mi had given any indication of not respecting her boundaries, but couldn't find any. So for this to be the first thing she says upon taking Mi to her room for recouperation after he's almost killed sounds like she's afraid of him, for some reason. I would assume whatever boundaries would be set closer to determining if there is going to be any canoodling at all.

pg 1: "Are there ways in which I have permission..."
--also very awkward. This exchanging of permissions is very stilted and if I was suspecting this might lead to sexytimes, I am throughly disabused of that notion.

pg 1: "she needed to know she could trust him"
--I think this is the crux of it. I definitely agree they need to set boundaries, but M is assuming she can't trust him, to start. Yes, he's involved in some shady demon-y things, but I don't think he's given indication that he's not trustworthy in terms of personal boundaries.

pg 1: "but he didn’t want any more than that"
--this reads as Mi trying to set thoughts in his mind because he knows M will be reading it.

pg 1: "something far too personal for her to know without him telling her"
--And this is even more hypocritical. She's asking for his agreement in refraining from touching her, but just dives right into his mind. Yes, she feels guilty, but she's still done it.

pg 1: "She fully let go of Mi for the first time since everyone had left them and snatched up the cookies."
--Not sure what this means.

pg 2: “I have a t-shirt under it. You won’t see anything exciting.”
--Okay...was she expecting him to wolf-whistle or something? He seems genuinely concerned for her health.

pg 2: “You said I wouldn't see anything exciting, but your shirt has a cross section of the Millenium Falcon on it.”
--Mi, making a valiant effort to rescue the mood...

pg 2: “Is that really the most exciting thing about my chest?”
--Except she shot down any chance of making this interaction flirty several times. M is feeling very inconsistent in this chapter.

pg 3: "The rules and balance that prevented that war"
--this is a LOT to drop into an aside after Mi makes an offhand joke.

pg 3: "She didn't risk a headache..."
--run on sentence.

pg 3: "shoulder brushed against..."
--All these little skin touches make me think the story is heading toward sexytimes, but M seemed very unsure if Mi just a few pages ago.

pg 4: “A few minutes you ago..."
--okay, glad it's not just me that's confused.

pg 4: "not caring if he thought it was suggestive. How people reacted to her enjoying food was their problem, not hers."
--Aaaand we're back to not sexytimes at all. I am confused by this whole exchange.

pg 5: "She scooted closer"
--is flirting on or off? I'm confused.

pg 5: "reached forward and wiped a drop of melted ice cream off of her chin and slowly licked it off of his finger"
--what now?? What about permission? What about not wanting skin contact? M just grins. From what came before, I'd expect her to scold his ear off.

pg 5: "major panic attack"
--I did not get this from him at all.

pg 6: "M pulled their hands to her face and brushed his knuckles against unscraped parts of her face."
--very raised eyebrow...

pg 6: "She’d asked him once, and he said the former names of his species were deadnames."
--1) I assume she's talking about her father, though it's not stated, and 2) deadnames seems a bit far from what I'm reading. They adopted human names, but they didn't throw away what the names meant before. They would still be a valid description, even if no one knows them.

pg 6: "her heart raced"
--more very mixed signals here. They're practically making out, so I would assume her heart rate is elevated because of that. But it seems like this is in reaction to Mi getting out his invention, which makes it seem like M is seducing him to get to his secrets, which I know is not the case.

pg 7: "If her light ever went completely out, she was dead."
--would this apply to everyone, then? Except most humans can't spend their aura to heal others?

pg 7: "What did the things it recorded this weekend looked like"
--M is pressing very hard for information. It still reads more as seduction to get Mi's secrets, but I don't think that's what is intended.

pg 8: "part of her wanted to run to T who she’d never dream of telling"
--hmm...nope. I don't think she'd think of T when she's in this situation.

pg 8: "Would I have seen you?"
--Really? I didn't get the feeling he was this close to figuring it out.

pg 9: "She cupped his jaw with her hand"
--Did he ever set any personal boundaries? In any case, M seems to have trampled over what she laid out at the beginning of the chapter.

pg 10: "hadn’t been sure why her dad had decided to throw this particular game console in her bag...The boxing gloves...she realized he hadn’t picked a side."
--Was all this in a previous chapter? Probably WRS, but I don't remember.

pg 11: "she might have kicked him out right away and gone down to T’s"
--but...why? She's having a nice night with...at least from what I can tell. What would make her run off? All M's motivations seem to go in the opposite direction to her actions.

[shatteredsmooth]

20 hours ago, kais said:

But I thought the pacing was fine, and we moved along well noting this is a paranormal romance piece. Carry on!

Glad to hear this!

20 hours ago, kais said:

I've eaten my fair share of curly wood shavings (hazard of the profession) and while I get the visual you are going for, the TEXTURE of wood just...ruins the ice cream for me

Fair enough. I can find a better way to describe it. Wood shavings aren't exactly tasty. 

20 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 4: If he didn’t stay too long, her and T would never need to know. <-- this is another one of those lines that just cements that she has no real interest in T. If she did, she'd not be deceiving her like this, or she'd have a LOT more guilt about it

 

Hmm I will either take out the deception bit or up the guilt. Maybe both. I'm not quite ready to give up on my attempt at the love triangle yet. 

20 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 6: and he's cool with talking tech and not suggestively eating more ice cream?? Having suggestively eaten ice cream while trying to seduce a woman, I can tell you that talk of tech, even cool supernatural tech, would NOT be on my mind.

 

Maybe M will have to work harder to get him to talk about tech. 

 

20 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 6: It was all he wanted to think about <-- yes, this seems realistic. So why isn't she as into it? I'd find the romance line more convincing if she was actually into the romance, though she shows more interest in M than the girls for sure

 

Good question. I was trying to show that she was conflicted about it and maybe a little confused by her feelings, like she is falling for him even though she thinks its a bad idea, but that doesn't seem to be what's coming across. 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I wonder if you getting the feeling of "wrong" because M's motivations are all over the place for this chapter. I think @kais picked up on some of the same things, but it seems like M is switching from not interested, to yes interested, to tech talk, to friendzone, to interested again...I honestly can't keep straight what she's going for and if I were Mi, I'd be incredibly confused by all the mixed signals.

 

OK, this helps, and your break down of it is even more helpful. 

What I meant to show was her being incredibly confused by her own feelings and the situation. She's interested, but is really conflicted about whether or not she should be. Maybe if I make her actions a little more consistent, and try to describe her feeling confused, maybe make her a little more aware of her own conflict or confusion, it will help. 

 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

This reads as one of those awkward spots to me. I looked back at the end of the last chapter to see if Mi had given any indication of not respecting her boundaries, but couldn't find any.

 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--And this is even more hypocritical. She's asking for his agreement in refraining from touching her, but just dives right into his mind. Yes, she feels guilty, but she's still done it.

 

I'll rework this whole exchange. You're right that he hasn't done anything to make her not trust him. In fact, I think a lot of their interactions would show he does respect boundaries. I'll revise so it is more two-sided sided conversation without the line where Mel "focuses" on his thoughts. 

 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

but they didn't throw away what the names meant before.

I was trying to imply that did, but I'm thinking I'd need to add too much to explain it, so it might be better to just take it out. 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--would this apply to everyone, then? Except most humans can't spend their aura to heal others?

 

It wouldn't apply to most humans as most can't actually use or control their energy in the way M does, but it technically would apply to other types of hybrids. Granted, they can't heal if they're not part Angel, so it is rare for something like that to happen to them. 

Example: M's mom can't heal, but she as was briefly mentioned in the previous chapter that she can control fire. If instead of controlling existing fire, she were to use her own energy to  create fire, she could exhaust her energy and die. 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--more very mixed signals here. They're practically making out, so I would assume her heart rate is elevated because of that. But it seems like this is in reaction to Mi getting out his invention, which makes it seem like M is seducing him to get to his secrets, which I know is not the case.

 

Maybe I'll try to show her being nervous and excited about the invention in a different way. 

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

--M is pressing very hard for information. It still reads more as seduction to get Mi's secrets, but I don't think that's what is intended.

 

Yeah, she's not consciously trying to seduce him, but I can see how it reads that way. She is getting nervous about what was recorded, and the physical contact is more of a distraction or something to keep her grounded. I'll think about what I can change to make this clearer. 

Thank you @kais and @Mandamon! I definitely have a clearer idea of what issues this chapter has now. :-) 

Edited June 9, 2020 by shatteredsmooth

[Turin Turambar]

Hi!

2) the tension between M and M seems kind of contrived - I don't know if there is supposed to be - and that's mainly because it feels on the nose. Or is supposed to feel awkward here. If so, it's still on the nose?

4) I took a neuropsychology course earlier this year for the fun of it. I don't remember most of it, but it's really cool!

6) deadnames?

Overall: I liked the scene, but feel like somethings missing. The scene has tension, between M&M, but it doesn't fit right with me. Perhaps because it's so mundane? Some of the text doesn't flow right, but I'm horrible at nitpicking that sort of thing unless it stands out. One thing to note: I first thought that M modified his phone to pick up the supernatural, and kept waiting for him to notice C. Afterwords I realized it was the recording, but even so, I'd think it would be hilarious if Cardi was there. Can she turn invisible? Ignore this if it's too uppity.

 

[Robinski]

Hey,

Comments.

(page 1)

- "since he almost got run over" - Maybe WRS, but didn't they both almost get run over, or just him? I forget.

- "She fully let go of M for the first time since everyone had left them" - I don't understand. Who is everyone, when did they leave? How long ago is this a call-back to? I'm not sure if it's WRS. It doesn't seem a very significant event to call back to. Surely, for the first time since they were almost killed is a more worthwhile event to call-back to.

(page 2)

- Formatting: only because my Glasgow writing group were talking about it yesterday, I notice that the Doc is not double spaced, but 1.5 line spaced. Is that just the form you work in? You don't actually submit like that, do you? This is really a Craft Nook question, but it is specific to this sub  

- "You said I wouldn't see anything exciting, but..." - LOL.

(page 3)

- "someone studying medicine" - She's what? Well, I can't speak for the US, but I believe the medical students in the UK don't have time to eat they are so rammed with class and coursework. Her course seems very lax and very easy. There is not mention of her going to lectures or actually doing any work out of class. This makes the fact that she's studying medicine really unconvincing to me.

(page 5)

- "a feeling she thought was her lips on his" - Confused. Is this a memory? That might be WRS, but it sounds like it's a desire. I'm getting very mixed messages in this scene. He doesn't want 'more' but he's touching her in a very sensual way, and she is encouraging him be lying provocatively on the floor for no good reason that I can see given the context. Surely, she can't be so naive as to think that how she's acting would not be seen by him as encouragement, whether or not he wants to act on it. And, him laying down beside her: he doesn't show any hesitance or discomfort at doing that, or at touching her, which seems contradictory to me.

(page 6)

- "rolled on her side, so his back was against her" - But surely he is facing her, that was the impression I got, so it doesn't matter which way she is facing, his front would still be towards her.

(page 7)

- "Her energy levels were dangerously low" - Even at that, I'm surprised her 'signal' is so close to human.

(page 8)

- "who kept dragging her back to the things she came to college to get away from" - Well, she is asking him to show her all this stuff. I know that's not quite the point, she's compelled to do that, but this thought of her's is kind of disingenuous.

- "how much blood there had been" - I like how her recollections of the battle play against looking back through the recording. Good part of the scene.

OVERALL 

Ignoring the various places where typos or word choice make the meaning hearer to get at,  this chapter flowed well enough for me. There was some tension at certain moment when it looked like he might have seen her in the clearing. There was loads of romantic / sexual tension. I thought signals were rather mixed. A lot of the body language seemed to be encouraging more, tempting one or other (usually M), testing them almost. This did not run entirely consistent with M's internal monologue, I thought, but it was effective enough. I was a but frustrated by the fact that neither one seemed to know what they wanted, but it was sure enough as a portrait of teenage angst and kind of directionless longing (for something).

My biggest problem by some distance is that she's a medical student, but she never does any work, or never seems to go to classes. I just don't believe that. It cannot accept that is realistic. I don't think it matters if it's the weekend, she should be rammed with study and homework, surely?

So, with this as a sequel chapter to the car attack, I'm looking for some action in the next one, where it's demon action or developmemt of the romantic plot.

[Robinski]

On 09/06/2020 at 3:01 AM, kais said:

I still don't feel convinced that M is anything other than just interested in Mi.

14 hours ago, Mandamon said:

wonder if you getting the feeling of "wrong" because M's motivations are all over the place for this chapter. I think @kais picked up on some of the same things, but it seems like M is switching from not interested, to yes interested, to tech talk, to friendzone, to interested again...I honestly can't keep straight what she's going for and if I were Mi, I'd be incredibly confused by all the mixed signals.

Yes, I think I used the phrase mixed signals too. It's one thing to have a character by confused and conflicted, but it's hard for the reader to deal with when there are too such characters. Do you know what the outcome is? Do you know what Mi wants from an author perspective? Do you know what Me decides in the end? I get a sense that maybe the answers to one or more of these is 'no', which might be contributing to the issues.

[Robinski]

7 hours ago, Turin Turambar said:

The scene has tension, between M&M, but it doesn't fit right with me. Perhaps because it's so mundane?

I think in part that's down the focus flitting around, which comes back to mixed signals too, IMO.

[shatteredsmooth]

On 6/9/2020 at 10:58 PM, Turin Turambar said:

I liked the scene, but feel like somethings missing. The scene has tension, between M&M, but it doesn't fit right with me. Perhaps because it's so mundane? Some of the text doesn't flow right, but I'm horrible at nitpicking that sort of thing unless it stands out

I get what you're saying. I have an idea of how to fix it. I think the character motives need to be clearer and not switch around so much. 

On 6/10/2020 at 5:44 AM, Robinski said:

I'm not sure if it's WRS. It doesn't seem a very significant event to call back to

I rewrote Ch. 5 a few times before sending it to the group. This line is actually referring to a previous iteration of 5. I just missed it when I was revising this chapter. I'll take it out. 

On 6/10/2020 at 5:44 AM, Robinski said:

I notice that the Doc is not double spaced, but 1.5 line spaced. Is that just the form you work in? You don't actually submit like that, do you? This is really a Craft Nook question, but it is specific to this sub

 I just like to work in 1.5, and when I get edits back from NSP, it's always formatted 1.5, so when I write stuff in the Evanstar verse that I might send to them, I keep it 1.5. This will either go to NSP or get self published, so I'm working in 1.5. I can double space my subs though if it makes them easier to read. 

When I submit elsewhere, I do whatever the guidelines say. Usually that is double space (usually Shunn's standard manuscript format), but there are a handful of zines that have weird formatting requirements. There are a couple I used to submit to that wanted single space block formatting and one that had a really strange font requirement. That always made the submission process more time consuming... Anyway, I make sure I read the guidelines before submitting. 

On 6/10/2020 at 5:44 AM, Robinski said:

"someone studying medicine"

I should not have used this phrase. 

On 6/10/2020 at 5:44 AM, Robinski said:

My biggest problem by some distance is that she's a medical student, but she never does any work, or never seems to go to classes.

So she's not a med student yet. Med school is graduate school. She's am undergraduate, still a freshmen. Pre-med tracks can vary, but are usually some type of biology degree. In her case, she's doing bio and psychology, but has a lot of transfer credits because she was taking college classes while homeschooled. I'm also assuming not all the credits transferred. I don't think MIT has transfer compacts with the MA community colleges, though I should probably look this up, and usually, if there is no transfer compact, some credits transfer, others don't, and in some cases, students can go through a process to convince the school to take specific classes. So she might actually be retaking some classes she already took. 

I never show her going to class because nothing happens there to advance the plot, though I can try to work in more references to say that she has gone to class, and more lines to allude to homework she has done. I saw this comment the other day before I finished revising the previous chapter, so I went back in and made more references to class and homework. 

Somewhere, I'll try to mention how she gets up at 5 or 6 every morning and goes down the dining hall where she does homework. She likes to eat while she studies, so she ends up there instead of the library. 

Okay, now I'm rambling. But I get what you are saying. I'll be careful with what words I use to refer to her as a student and make sure I acknowledge she is going to class and doing homework. And that this little night with Mi is going to mean she's cramming to catch up later. 

On 6/10/2020 at 5:44 AM, Robinski said:

- "Her energy levels were dangerously low" - Even at that, I'm surprised her 'signal' is so close to human.

 

His device works, but it's not super precise, and he doesn't understand half of what it's showing him. 

On 6/10/2020 at 6:22 AM, Robinski said:

It's one thing to have a character by confused and conflicted, but it's hard for the reader to deal with when there are too such characters.

This is fair. 

On 6/10/2020 at 6:22 AM, Robinski said:

Do you know what the outcome is?

Of the love triangle? Of the whole book? Yes. But I won't say it here to avoid spoilers. I have next five years of M's life outlined in my head and notes as backstory for Power Surge, where she is a secondary character. I actually think knowing too much of her future is giving me a little trouble. 

And also causes a little guilt, because I'm not very nice to her in the PS and it's sequel. 

On 6/10/2020 at 6:22 AM, Robinski said:

Do you know what Mi wants from an author perspective?

I thought I did, but in this particular scene, I think my idea of what he wants is a little fuzzy, and if I think more about it and figure it out, the chapter will be easier to fix. 

Thank you @Robinski and @Turin Turambar

 

[Robinski]

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I can double space my subs though if it makes them easier to read. 

No need, it's fine really, I was just interested.

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Pre-med tracks can vary, but are usually some type of biology degree. In her case, she's doing bio and psychology

Ah. I think it's maybe WRS on my part too, from the start of the book, where I think maybe you did set this out. But the 'studying medicine' did throw me. Cool.

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

though I can try to work in more references to say that she has gone to class, and more lines to allude to homework she has done. I saw this comment the other day before I finished revising the previous chapter, so I went back in and made more references to class and homework.

I'm not sure if anyone else is commenting, but I was starting to feel almost like she was skipping school, because there was so little reference to it.

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

His device works, but it's not super precise, and he doesn't understand half of what it's showing him. 

Fair enough  

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Yes. But I won't say it here to avoid spoilers.

Of course not! Just wondered.

14 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

On 10/06/2020 at 11:22 AM, Robinski said:

Do you know what Mi wants from an author perspective?

I thought I did, but in this particular scene, I think my idea of what he wants is a little fuzzy, and if I think more about it and figure it out, the chapter will be easier to fix. 

Interesting. I think I was starting to feel that, or suspect it. It's not that there's anything wrong with that, but it must make it more challenging to write, and keep it on message.

[Snakenaps]

After nearly three weeks, I dive back into these fantastic characters...what has occurred since attempted murder? Dun dun dun...

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, "The back of her arms felt like they were on fire" Can she resist the urge to heal in front of Mi?

Pg 1, "whether or not someone had actually tried to kill him" The answer is probably not the one he wants :/

Pg 1, "His heart raced, and his breathing was labored." Boy's connecting the dots. She won't be able to keep herself secret from him much longer.

Pg 1, "projecting the words into his head" Hmm, careful, he might recognize the physic push...

Pg 1, " a sliver of skin on the small of her back" An oddly sexy image considering the blood.

Pg 2, "Being invited into my room is just an invitation to the space." Setting boundaries is important. 1+ points for communication.

Pg 2, "Are there ways in which I have permission to touch you?" *eyebrow wiggle*

Pg 2, "I’m ace, I think" That makes life a little easier, in a way. At least from an awkwardness POV.

Pg 2, " half full package of oreos" Oreos should be capitalized, also, $5 says that package is going to be completely empty by the end of the chapter.

Pg 3, "she wasn’t going to get that" That will help her with not accidentally exposing her magical self.

Pg 3, "your shirt has a cross section of the Millenium Falcon on it." Now that's sexy.

Pg 4, " Humanity might bring on it’s its own destruction"

Pg 4, " a slash on the man’s bicep was vivid." Hmm, wondering how this friend got so injured...playing around with something they shouldn't? Or in a situation they couldn't escape?

Pg 4, "So where is this bacon ice cream of yours?" Mi asking the relevant questions here.

Pg 5, "she had felt she was with A" I've felt A's attraction towards M, but not so much M's attraction towards A. I feel like M is a little attracted to A, but more attracted/invested in T. 

Pg 5, " Grief sucker punched him out of nowhere." Oh, my poor baby...

Pg 6, "Do you always eat right out of the pint?" It's the only way to eat.

Pg 6, " a place outside of time" Thanks for providing a definition.

Pg 6, "him so we he wouldn’t panic"

Pg 7, " some paranormal entity" So it probably won't identify M because she's a mutt.

Pg 8, "Her energy levels were dangerously low." Girl, you need a vacation, pronto.

Pg 8, "she’d die" Please don't.

Pg 9, "a grayscale image of the campsite"

Pg 10, "The other energy signatures and huddled around a fire"

Pg 10,  "information people didn’t want him to know" Hmmmm....what trouble has he gotten to in the past that has caused so much pain and grief?

Pg 12, "Is Mi still there?" This is probably because I haven't hopped back into this story in a while, but how did A know Mi was there?

Pg 12, "feelings for eachother" Space between "each" and "other"

Pg 13, "She fell asleep." Awwww.

What a nice breather chapter that held just enough tension and worry to keep the plot moving forwards. I'm enjoying their relationship, and as much as I enjoy T, I hope Mi wins this love...triangle, square maze.