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Mandamon

20200608 - Fall of the Imperium Ch 24 - 7100 words - Sub 35

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We're into the end of things now! The first chapter is right about 4120 words, and the second is 7100...Of course this week I didn't take anything out.

SUB 35
Chapter 24. Everyone is here to take down the Elg. Everything will be fine. Let me know if it works (And sorry for the length on this one.)

Previously:
S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time.
M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life.
Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone.
S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom. They all attempt to pass through the wall, but are stopped by the Elg. S devises a new plan and they try again, with disastrous results.
M leads his posse on a hunt, without success, and meets up with R and her posse. Many connections are made.
E lives as an Elg for a few days and learns how they work. She also wins over the voices inside. I, meanwhile, dons the diadem and learns the history of the Eff.
E/I appear in front of the rest of the cast and fill them in on everything. O gets some long overdue recognition and the whole crew starts planning to fight back.
Back with S, he learns about the HoT and what comes next. Then it's off to Re to see how he's working with/against the Ari.
M works with E/I on their connection, Talks to O, and E/I figure out their next steps. Then O talks with the hive and R with the Gr.
E/I visit Vae, still in her coma, and speak with the Ari leaders. S works out how the HoT works.

 

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21 hours ago, Mandamon said:

We're into the end of things now! The first chapter is right about 4120 words, and the second is 7100...Of course this week I didn't take anything out.

:lol: Well, it's almost within tolerance at a tiny smidge over +10% of 10,000 (+12.2%, actually), but I think you'll find that--so close to the dramatic culmination--WE DON'T CARE (well, I don't).

(page 1)

- "Every day, we gain valuable information" - One day, one of these epigraphs is going to be S's, and I am going to 'lose my sh*t'. One from Or is almost as good and, because it's him, and I know where it comes from (in character terms), I can forgive its slight dryness.

- "...had combined ranks" - Loooong old sentence.

(page 2)

- "wasn’t solid (Huh?) like wood (Hmm, I guess maybe)."

- "but rarely left it" - Have they ever? I don't recall it.

- "now they had driven out or destroyed" - Suggestion (something like): want more darkness, more grimness, more stakes.

(page 3)

- "barely had time to talk to each other" - Excellent personal stakes in the first paragraph here.

- "the least diplomatic person she knew" - LOL :lol:, with a bullet!

- "hard enough she could feel the pressure in her bones" - Actually, this is not all that hard at all, surely.

(page 4)

- "that it took this many" - This is not great scientific method, IMO. Say there are 1,000 of them, or even 200; the biggest group they had together before that was, what, 10, 12? And was that group not pursued? Although, maybe that small group did not attract attention remotely (i.e. from outside the wall). Still, there is a big margin. Most likely, it would not take anything like the numbers they have massed now. There are only two data points (maybe only one). Ergo, not sure R is thinking scientifically here. End of boring rant.

- "our new friends in the SoTH" - are they not more his friends than 'their' friends? I can still see him saying this line, and R rolling here eyes and thinking, 'more like your friends'.

(page 5)

- "pretty much everyone" - How many is it? I could really do with a sense of scale about now, so I can appreciate how terribly outnumbered they are (presumably).

(page 6)

- "scuttling after him" - I'd prefer a more powerful, threatening word. At this late, late stage, this is war. I want it to feel like a battle, like the landings in Saving Private Ryan, like the Ride of the Rohirrim, like the battle scene in Rogue 1. (First examples that came to mind.) I'm hankering for heroism, risk taking, unexpected reverses, last stands, etc.

(page 7)

- "R leapt forward" - but not just her, because she is flanked by others. It sounded to me like she went alone.

- "keep the creatures from sliding down on her" - But don't they just 'absorb' the guard? Great battle scene emerging here. This was called for, I think, and delivered nicely so far.

- "crush the creatures so thoroughly they dissipated" - This is a neat idea, but it sounds like she's coming up with it on the spot. Surely they must have discussed a plan of attack before engaging the enemy? Not saying we need that scene, but I think as brief acknowledgement that it happened would be good.

(page 8)

- "or chop off a leg with her belt knife" - I can't imagine she's going to put down the spear--which I imagine she's wielding two-handed--to get a knife out. Which makes me think she's using it one-handed. Even though the spear is short, the El will put a big load on it, won't they? Which made me think she was still likely to be using it two-handed.

- "the music pushed back on her change" - Great detail. Still enjoying this battle. I feel I can count on my nose the number to times the Syn has been used in battle, actual battle, in the all the books I've read. Which is excellent, not a criticism. Entirely reasonable and right to revere such spectacle for the last in a trilogy, IMO.

(page 9)

- "R saw a young Et maj" - I continue to feel that tell us the character saw something puts a layer of separation between the reader and the action, compared to just say "A young Et maj", because we are tightly in R's POV, so we're only looking through one set of eyes.

(page 10)

- "scampered forward" - You've been seeing too many rabbits in your garden :lol:. This is a very cutesy word. It's like a line from Bambi, or some such ;) 

- "could jump surprisingly high" - Oooh, chilling. Unexpected, and therefore nasty. Feels like a modest reverse in favour of the El, but that's good, because there needs to be nip and tuck, I feel. 

(page 11)

- I like the setback here, very good ebb and flow, they look like they're doing okay then things gets worse. Nicely done.

(page 12)

- "still so weak from his time in the Met spacecraft" - This line seems to come up every time there's a need for Or to use his power. I've no doubt it's true, but there seems not to be any progression. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I just wonder if the line could somehow be different, that there might now be some change in status. It begins feel repetitive to me.

(page 13)

- "named Kip O'C" - Hang on a sec. This is massive. This, clearly, is an Earth name. I know why it's here, I think. (Kickstarter, right?) The thing is, it can only be a name from Earth, surely. I forget what S's surname is, but no other name in this Earth style has appeared in the stories that I can remember. So, this implies that there is another maj from Earth. If nothing else, I would expect R to have remarked somewhere about the strangeness of the name, maybe. It just sticks out like a sore thumb to me, and seems to have serious implications for the world-building, and for S. It sticks out like John Carter, Flash Gordon, etc. This is a placeholder, right? Tell me it's some kind of placeholder.

(page 14)

- "limit there was to the creatures’ range" - but I had thought they hat the maj barrier?

- "rings of the containments" - Oh, I think I see, not a wall-type barrier then.

(page 15)

- "accomplished something" - But surely it's temporary? Or is this a permanent change? I suppose it is. But it's something that would gave happened anyway in a little time, wouldn't it? So, it does not seem like much of an achievement next to the thing she sets it against.

(page 18)

- "Stuart T" - See above. I get the reason for this, but I've gotta say that surely the line must be where something commercial changes the narrative of the story, which this is doing, IMO. Imagine reading LotR: "Frodo and Sam walked the winding ways through Hobbiton, wending their weary legs home to Bagend. Everyone had turned out to meet them: there was Tufty Longmeadow; yonder, Borages young and old; and over there by the fence, Jim Mackintosh was standing, puffing on his long pipe, chatting to Emma Richards by the water-cooler about the latest episode of Love Island." It's like having a big billboard in the middle of one of the biggest chapters (in scale and import) in the book. It's like an ad break. I have to say, it's disappointing.

- AND, this 'ad break' comes right before a hugely significant moment in the next paragraph or two. In other words, almost exactly like an ad break. 

(page 19)

- "reformed into" - This is a bit weak for the transformation, I feel. A transformation that most of the people watching will never have seen before. Has R seen it? Has Or, or Man? (I can't remember.) I was expecting more horrified wonder, or some other strong emotional reaction.

- "holding someone" - But, there was mention of two 'Sat', the other being Re, no?

- "What are you doing here?" - This should be a great dramatic moment, but I'm still hung up on KOC and ST, because I know how they got there, and they've invaded 'my' story, that I was reading to myself and enjoying in my own head.

- "did a double take" - To me, this is a comedy gesture. The mood feels wrong.

(page 21)

- "at least two days before the fight" - It feels like weeks, in a good way. I almost forget they've been reunited once already.

(page 22)

- "She almost laughed hysterically" - can't imagine R doing anything hysterically.

- "which had nearly killed the Ef" - Oh, shoot. I think I've forgotten something. Did he not kill the Ef? "was not actually the one" - Oh, I've certainly forgotten something.

(page 23)

- "no hard feelings" - LOL. This is a great line here. I don't laugh out of comedy, but from satisfaction seeing En so confident that she can be ironic towards Ri. That's excellent.

- "S fell..." - Yes, excellent timing, I think. Just where I want to be going with the momentum pausing in the Imp.

(page 24)

- "I can see the edge!" - Oh my good gravy!!! :o 

(page 25)

- S's anxiety here is compelling. Very appropriate: it is a scary place, I'm convinced.

- "to hold maybe six people comfortably" - Ooooh, not for S, I think. That's pokey!! [Edit at Page 31: Oh, forgot her prefers being enclosed.]

- "plans from those who built it" - I like the feel here. It's a tad Ringworld-y, discovery of some huge artefact. I like it.

(page 26)

- "Do they control the N?" - This is a hugely powerful line, and I think it deserves it's own paragraph.

(page 28)

- "UP IN THE VERY SURFACE" - Unclear, I thought it meant this place was up near the surface (even though they came down to reach it).

(page 29)

- "IT KEPT ME HERE" - As in trapped, imprisoned?

- "GROUP OF MAJ" - Oh, so they are maj? That's surprising. I expected something outwith my experience to date.

(page 30)

- "keep you from coming here before" - Confused. The voice said it built the Net, including this place, so not sure it was prevented from coming here.

- It's anticlimactic, I think, that maj guilt the Net. It has always seemed a godlike act to me, and I expected something more, greater, different, beyond my experience so far.

(page 32)

- "It was like doing calculus while..." - fabulous line.

- "Why is it trying to kill us?" - I've seen no sign of this.

(page 33)

- "These were all actions he could take" - Confused, there is only talk of pushing a button here, no other actions that I can see.

(page 34)

- "But you have to destroy everything to remake it, don’t you?" - This is exactly what the voice just said.

- "trapped over there" - Still not sure I get where the voice is.

- "He had sent the Dr" - I can't remember is he did this on purpose, or accidentally, before realising what he was doing, or where it was going. And adjective here would help me with that.

(page 35)

- "It seemed like facets could move" - They can? I don't remember this.

- "facet had aligned" - oh, I thought that was  more of a figurative alignment, rather than the facets actually moving.

(page 36)

- "CYCLE TO PLAN" - I feel that the voice has gone beyond planning, this thing is happening. I suggest 'BRING ABOUT' since it is physically happening, surely. Also, this brings me back to my point about being disappointed the voice was nothing more than a maj. The voice has existed for 100,000s of cycles? How can it be a regular maj? That doesn't make sense to me.

- "Was it designed specifically to keep the voice out?" - But surely the voice said earlier that it contributed to the construction of the Next, which includes this place. This seems contradictory. I'm rather confused.

- "They were connected all the way...to the Imp" - This sounds like the console is connected only to the Imp, but surely that can't be the case, there must be control consoles for each of the facets then, but I feel that is not how this one was described.

(page 37)

- "and so much more complicated than anything else in the universe" - I'm disturbed that he sets up this vibration through the entire Net, but he has no idea what it will do, and he does not consider what it might do, doesn't even give it a second though, just does it. If this thing shakes the El, it's going to shake all the other beings in the Net, surely? He does not even pause to consider that he might be killing every living creature in the entire N; every single facet of it!!

(page 38)

- "And it had been designed by maj like him" - Again, this is really underwhelming, IMO. Not even a 3-house or 4-house or some god-like creature that can hear all of the symphony. Just a few maj?

- "Something to get rid of the El" - But I don't really know that he understand what he's done. It seemed like he was flicking switches with no clue what they did.

(page 39)

- "What if he caused even more destruction then the El" - Ah, you've lost me here. I don't believe S would do what he did without considering the consequences. He is the furthest thing from foolhardy I can imagine. He started from having zero confidence, so, when he has acted--it seems to me--he has always been one step away from not doing anything because of rampant fear of consequences, and now he is doing this? It's like a different character, IMO.

- Nice ending, good drama, and subverting what happened to get here, but linking to what he has done before. I like that.

OVERALL 

This was a great chapter, very strong here so close to the end, but I felt it was let down by two, for me major, elements.

(ONE) - S's decision at the end. I'm completely unconvinced that he would do what he did, just start mashing around with no strategy and no thought, not a millisecond's consideration, for the potential consequences of his actions. This is someone who, what, a few weeks ago? was paralysed with fear and doubt, and now he's just winging it? I don't buy it at all.

(TWO) - There's so much more I want to say about the two 'ad breaks' in this chapter, but mostly I'm scared there will be more lurking up ahead to foul the story narrative and spoil my immersion. [Ed. - Okay, this next bit is rant-y, but that's part of why you're here, right? I hope so. This next part is brought to you by the words 'respect' and 'honesty', and the colour blue.] I really feel it's vanity on their part. No doubt they must think it'll be nice to have their name in a book, that's their (shortsighted, IMO) emotion, but that choice shows no understanding of the impact on the narrative, and everyone else reading the story. I mean, you can do it in an Earth-based / Space Opera SF story, because more than likely the background will permit the name to be inserted with no impact on the narrative, the setting, the world-building, but this is a story where Earth is lost, no way back home: it's a critical part of the main character's background, a main character I've been following for hundreds and hundreds of pages. His world utterly lost to him. Then these names pop up from nowhere that are clearly Earth normal. How can they be there? Why have there been no other Earth-normal names, and why does no one question this?

It's a really good chapter. It's got so many of the element I was hoping for around here. That just makes my issues strong even more. The second one, well, that's a story matter. The first one...I just don't know.

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Can definetly feel things wrapping up!

I must have been too into the narrative because I didn't notice very many things to point out :-)

"Opening an old box of rice and roaches pouring out..." wait, there are roaches here?! Very evocative but I find myself wondering if S brought roaches with him somehow.

I was very unclear about what S was doing at the end. It seems like there was a jump from "I'm going to fix everything," to "I'm going to whack things with a bat, run away, and see what happens." Part of my problem might have been that I was a bit bogged down in some of the world terminology. Good tension though.

Can't wait to read the end next week!

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Thanks @Robinski and @Sarah B!

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

it's almost within tolerance at a tiny smidge over +10% of 10,000 (+12.2%, actually),

I think most of my coworkers would be horrified with 10% as being within tolerance, but then we're working with hydraulics and metal construction... ;-)

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

- "that it took this many" - This is not great scientific method, IMO. Say there are 1,000 of them, or even 200; the biggest group they had together before that was, what, 10, 12? And was that group not pursued?

 

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

- "pretty much everyone" - How many is it?

Yeah, I think I was sort of winging it with definite scale. I'll make those numbers harder when editing.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

Surely they must have discussed a plan of attack before engaging the enemy? Not saying we need that scene, but I think as brief acknowledgement that it happened would be good.

Check. Can do this.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

I can't imagine she's going to put down the spear--which I imagine she's wielding two-handed--to get a knife out.

Good catch. I'll make this clearer.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

I've no doubt it's true, but there seems not to be any progression. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I just wonder if the line could somehow be different, that there might now be some change in status. It begins feel repetitive to me.

It's something that will take cycles to get over, but I take your point. I'll look through these tags and see if I can adjust them.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

- "reformed into" - This is a bit weak for the transformation, I feel. A transformation that most of the people watching will never have seen before. Has R seen it? Has Or, or Man? (I can't remember.) I was expecting more horrified wonder, or some other strong emotional reaction.

Ah, yes. Emotions, my nemesis!

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

Oh, shoot. I think I've forgotten something. Did he not kill the Ef?

He injured the Eff, but the Elg finished him off.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

I think, that maj guilt the Net. It has always seemed a godlike act to me, and I expected something more, greater, different, beyond my experience so far.

I think I need to make this section clearer, but I'll wait until you go through next week's submission and see what you think.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

Confused, there is only talk of pushing a button here, no other actions that I can see.

This is him seeing the lines of cause and effect. Will clarify.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

- "trapped over there" - Still not sure I get where the voice is.

In the other universe. Will clarify.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

But surely the voice said earlier that it contributed to the construction of the Next, which includes this place. This seems contradictory. I'm rather confused.

Yep. I think I'm missing a few connections through here. I'll clean it up.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

ONE) - S's decision at the end. I'm completely unconvinced that he would do what he did, just start mashing around with no strategy and no thought, not a millisecond's consideration, for the potential consequences of his actions. This is someone who, what, a few weeks ago? was paralysed with fear and doubt, and now he's just winging it? I don't buy it at all.

 

2 hours ago, Sarah B said:

I was very unclear about what S was doing at the end. It seems like there was a jump from "I'm going to fix everything," to "I'm going to whack things with a bat, run away, and see what happens."

Good comments. I think I may be skipping thought processes, so this doesn't seem justified. I'll probably need to add in a little more explanation and emotion.

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

(TWO) - There's so much more I want to say about the two 'ad breaks' in this chapter, but mostly I'm scared there will be more lurking up ahead to foul the story narrative and spoil my immersion.

So to your biggest rant here...

These two were actually introduced back in chapter twelve (in edits after you read), so it won't be as glaring when the reader comes across them again here. But yes, they are Kickstarter names. It was a reward tier. I wonder if these two stand out particularly more than others? I've had about five-six other KS names in other books, some of which I've changed slightly to blend in. I'll see if I can play around with these a little to make them more seamless, but they're also both Meth., which does have a selection of names similar to ours. Anyway, good to know they particularly stood out, so I can try to adjust.

Thanks!

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4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I think most of my coworkers would be horrified with 10% as being within tolerance, but then we're working with hydraulics and metal construction... ;-)

LOL. Yes!! Factor of Safety, fine. Tolerance? Gaaaaaahhhhhh! :lol: 

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Ah, yes. Emotions, my nemesis!

LOL.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

He injured the Eff, but the Elg finished him off.

Right, right. That's on me. Let's call it WRS.

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

"I'm going to whack things with a bat

:lol::lol::lol:

5 hours ago, Mandamon said:

It was a reward tier. I wonder if these two stand out particularly more than others? I've had about five-six other KS names in other books, some of which I've changed slightly to blend in. I'll see if I can play around with these a little to make them more seamless, but they're also both Meth., which does have a selection of names similar to ours. Anyway, good to know they particularly stood out, so I can try to adjust.

I thought I'd read something like this before. Sorry about being so ranty. I guess I really did not bounce of it so hard. I feel like the context must have been stronger before? I'm trying to think of the names of Met characters now: so, Man Fel; Ri Aya; Bo Pal; En and In; (going back to Seeds) Tej, Adit Bas. I appreciate that Seeds didn't have placed names in that way, but the names well much more like constructed fantasy names. 

Ay-ma, for example, crops up quite a bit on a net search, and Fel-o seems to be Polish in origin, IRL. I think why K O'Co----r and Stu Turn hit me so hard is that these are very much Anglo-Saxon names from my backyard, they are very, very familiar and recognisable. Also, I think the place they are here, in the middle of the battle is more significant than previous entries, maybe? Maybe not. I appreciate they are in passing, and then they are gone, but I just don't get how those names can come to be on a completely different planet than Earth, when the origin of those names are very much enshrined in my culture and history. And from there, I get to my conspiracy theories about other travellers from Earth. I'm sure if they were associated with Nigerian (like Ay-ma; https://forebears.io/surnames/ayama ) or Polish (like Fel; https://forebears.io/surnames/feldo) I would not have bounced off at all, so it's on me, really.

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5 hours ago, Robinski said:

 I think why K O'Co----r and Stu Turn hit me so hard is that these are very much Anglo-Saxon names from my backyard, they are very, very familiar and recognisable.

I can see that. There are a few other Anglo-Saxon names included, but they're certainly not as common: At the end of the first book, there's a character named "Beth" (which was a KS name) and then there's "meg-n" with MF's crew (who is now "Emma"). Also, Fer. Vet. is the first book has a fairly Spanish first name.

(Behind the scenes: I purposefully skewed the names toward Mid-East/Indian, which meshes with the information MF discovers Re. carbon dating in the second book. "Meth" itself is actually derived from an Old Testament word.)

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Overall

Great pacing and tension throughout. I was never bored and enjoyed the battle and the new little bubble facet a lot. My only real issue came at the end, which fell flat for me. What did S actually accomplish? Did he or did he not foil The Voice? Why is he now going back to his friends, and not earlier? I feel like I missed a critical resolution, yet there doesn't seem to have been one yet.

Other than that though, a great chapter!

 

On 6/10/2020 at 4:42 PM, Sarah B said:

I was very unclear about what S was doing at the end. It seems like there was a jump from "I'm going to fix everything," to "I'm going to whack things with a bat, run away, and see what happens."

Yes, this!

 

As I go

- pg 2: all the species? My, that escalated quickly! Go team!

- pg 3: this hand squeezing between Ori and Ril is deeply on brand and feels very authentic

- pg 5: drop what now??

- pg 11: very into this battle, and not a lot of comments. Enjoying the action and the descriptions a lot

- pg 12: wait, Ori is still shot from the spacecraft issue? Wasn't that, a year or more ago??

- pg 18: OMG eld bowling is just as fun as Mmnnu bowling!! I LOVE IT

- pg 19: and she realized anger clouded her judgment <-- that's the dark side, that is

- pg 22:  He wasn’t even her fourth concern <-- I think  I know what you're trying to say here, but it comes off callous and a bit nebulous

- pg 24: THE EDGE!!!

- pg 31: I adore that S's panic attacks are what give him the strength to fight

- pg 34: and now to <-- typo, I think that should be 'not'

- pg 35: HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CYCLES <-- the voice likes to repeat this a LOT

- pg 36: the end of the chapter seems to lack punch. I'm not entirely certain what S is doing, though I thought the tension was good and pacing excellent. Why is he just now wanting to go back to his friends? Has he accomplished something? How did he foil The Voice?

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Thanks @kais!

8 hours ago, kais said:

Great pacing and tension throughout. I was never bored and enjoyed the battle and the new little bubble facet a lot.

Cool. Glad the majority of this worked.

8 hours ago, kais said:

What did S actually accomplish? Did he or did he not foil The Voice? Why is he now going back to his friends, and not earlier? I feel like I missed a critical resolution, yet there doesn't seem to have been one yet.

 

On 6/10/2020 at 7:42 PM, Sarah B said:

I was very unclear about what S was doing at the end. It seems like there was a jump from "I'm going to fix everything," to "I'm going to whack things with a bat, run away, and see what happens."

 

8 hours ago, kais said:

Has he accomplished something? How did he foil The Voice?

Great questions. This helps me narrow down what I need to change. I think this was another place where I knew what I was doing but didn't get it all down on the page. I'll shore this section up and make it more definite.

8 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 3: this hand squeezing between Ori and Ril is deeply on brand and feels very authentic

Good. Glad this works.

8 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 12: wait, Ori is still shot from the spacecraft issue? Wasn't that, a year or more ago??

It was *checks notes* about 5-6 months ago. I think this is something I didn't really show well during the series. He will take  a long time to get over this and is basically drained (ha) for the whole series.

8 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 18: OMG eld bowling is just as fun as Mmnnu bowling!! I LOVE IT

Ha! Yep. Had a lot of fun with this.

8 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 35: HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF CYCLES <-- the voice likes to repeat this a LOT

They haven't had a lot of good conversation for the past many thousands of cycles...the Elg aren't really good conversationalists ;-)

Thanks for the comments! I'm glad this went as well as it did. I think altering some of S's motivations and actions during the last chapter will bring things together.

 

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I thought this was pretty good. Ri's POV was a good one to watch the battle from. There was plenty of tension and suspense, especially since the El had the upper hand. I loved how in this chapter and the previous one, we got to see the twins from two different views. They seem so powerful and strong through the eyes Re and Ri. The way they arrived, working together in one shape, carrying others between them 

As I read:

"fingers trailing over the curved hook of this thumbnail" I love the little details like this

"of light only maji could see" By now I think you can assume readers know only maji can see the light from the symphony. It seems redundant to say it now, so far into book three.

"...revealing the chewing teeth and bright pustules on their underside" This image is terrifying. 

"now its purpose has been contaminated" did you mean "now that its purpose has been contaminated" ?

The part with S was good too. I liked learning more about what the Nether was. I liked him using his anxiety to keep the voice out of his head. However, I feel like something is missing in that section. It's not all coming together right, and isn't quite as satisfying as I hoped it would be. 

When I got to the line Shake the tree so all the bugs fall off it felt like it came out of nowhere. The paragraphs and sentences leading up to it did not seem to build up to it in a way that would've lead me to figure it out as S did. I wasn't getting the tree metaphor from it. 

"...augmented as it did everything." I wasn't sure what you meant by this. 

Otherwise, I enjoyed it and feel like things are really coming together. 

On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

(ONE) - S's decision at the end. I'm completely unconvinced that he would do what he did, just start mashing around with no strategy and no thought, not a millisecond's consideration, for the potential consequences of his actions. This is someone who, what, a few weeks ago? was paralysed with fear and doubt, and now he's just winging it? I don't buy it at all.

 

Maybe this is part of why I feel like something is missing.

Even WW seems concerned by what he is  doing there, and I'm worried him breaking the Nether apart. He briefly thinks about it, but then just brushes it off. Very unconcerned with what he is doing. It's not just a newfound confidence but bordering on carelessness or arrogance. Is there a way to reassure readers that he is not just going to break the Nether? Or some reason he knows it will be okay for now? A reason he thinks it's okay to "mashing around with no strategy" as @Robinski puts it.

16 hours ago, kais said:

Did he or did he not foil The Voice?

This was not clear. 

To me, it more or less felt like he just got away from the voice, but didn't do much to really affect it.

 

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Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

43 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I loved how in this chapter and the previous one, we got to see the twins from two different views. They seem so powerful and strong through the eyes Re and Ri. The way they arrived, working together in one shape, carrying others between them 

Cool. That's exactly what I was going for, so glad it worked.

44 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

"of light only maji could see" By now I think you can assume readers know only maji can see the light from the symphony. It seems redundant to say it now, so far into book three.

Agree. I always get over paranoid about making sure everything is remembered.

44 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

However, I feel like something is missing in that section. It's not all coming together right, and isn't quite as satisfying as I hoped it would be. 

When I got to the line Shake the tree so all the bugs fall off it felt like it came out of nowhere. The paragraphs and sentences leading up to it did not seem to build up to it in a way that would've lead me to figure it out as S did. I wasn't getting the tree metaphor from it. 

Ah, good catch. Yeah, I think that comes up to quick. It's a good place to expand a little.

45 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:
On 6/9/2020 at 11:40 AM, Robinski said:

(ONE) - S's decision at the end. I'm completely unconvinced that he would do what he did, just start mashing around with no strategy and no thought, not a millisecond's consideration, for the potential consequences of his actions. This is someone who, what, a few weeks ago? was paralysed with fear and doubt, and now he's just winging it? I don't buy it at all.

 

Maybe this is part of why I feel like something is missing.

Even WW seems concerned by what he is  doing there, and I'm worried him breaking the Nether apart. He briefly thinks about it, but then just brushes it off. Very unconcerned with what he is doing. It's not just a newfound confidence but bordering on carelessness or arrogance. Is there a way to reassure readers that he is not just going to break the Nether? Or some reason he knows it will be okay for now? A reason he thinks it's okay to "mashing around with no strategy" as @Robinski puts it.

I wonder if I need to up the emotion/desperation? Maybe put in that the voice will win if he doesn't immediately stop it. I'll definitely look at it.

46 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:
16 hours ago, kais said:

Did he or did he not foil The Voice?

This was not clear. 

To me, it more or less felt like he just got away from the voice, but didn't do much to really affect it.

Noted. Will make clearer.

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1 minute ago, Mandamon said:

I wonder if I need to up the emotion/desperation? Maybe put in that the voice will win if he doesn't immediately stop it. I'll definitely look at it.

48 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

That could help. 

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On 11/06/2020 at 2:05 PM, Mandamon said:

"Beth" (which was a KS name) and then there's "meg-n" with MF's crew (who is now "Emma")

Huh. Yes, I remember Meg-an. I'd say that name was different enough that I didn't have the issue, although I did notice, just didn't 'bounce'. Would I with Emma? Probably not so much certainly as with a familiar surname, I think that's what really drove it home. I knew a guy in my professional called Stu. Turn. And the name (O')Con--r kind of resonates in genre fiction: Terminator and Highlander.

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