kais

06/01/20 - kais - Rosewood Chapter 9 (N)(L) - 5353 words

14 posts in this topic

L for mild language. N for nudity. This one is a bit over so I’ve greyed out the first beat. It is plot important, but if you’re short on time and just want the fluff, skip it and head to the text that isn’t grey. Last week’s was pretty short so it evens out, but no worries either way!

Changes since last sub - the flip in M’s attitude is better established. She also realizes she’s being myopic about the comb, and can’t quite figure out why she needs it so badly. Have also done some worldbuilding clarification on ports (exact text in in last week’s thread).

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Overall this was good, but I'm not sure what all it adds to the story, except for the last five pages or so. For all M has to go to the orientation, there seems to be no problem when she skips out. I'm also not sure what the big deal is with her wearing/not wearing pants, but it seems solved very easily when N does whatever she did, although I remember that being a huge point last time that she couldn't ask for an exemption. What changed?

Then there's the weird aside with the epoxy/resin on the dress. I'm not sure what expertise M has with such things and this almost reads like a section from Foxfire.

The getting dressed/undressed, bath, and seduction over the ball is all good, but feels like it's the start of a chapter that leads into the ball, not something on its own. There's a lot of fixation on M wearing different clothes, but then N just...fixes it. There's not much tension through the first half of the chapter, and it only changes when the two are baiting each other.

Also, what are the four genders? Inquiring minds want to know!

 

Notes while reading

pg 1: "The low branches felt cruel noting the season and her silk tunic"
--I don't get it (I also don't remember what season it is). What do the height of branches have to do with anything?

pg 1: "huddled together in the one patch of flowerbed that had direct sunlight."
--ah, got it. This all could be phrased clearer.

pg 1: "too-tight hose that accentuated their crotch"
--is that a thing?

pg 1: "saw no discernable breast shapes"
--this reads...awkwardly.

pg 2: "Four genders, four outfits"
--and? I think this is the first we've heard of it. What are they? 

pg 2: "In the forest, no one asked, because it didn’t matter.."
--I think this all says that M is not familiar with the four genders and it's a high society thing? It's a little jumbled.

pg 3: "She didn’t like not having information"
--this seems to be a common thread in this book...

pg 4: "or she could skip the talking and get her own orientation. N would probably be fine with it."
--Why? And no. Would they even let her leave? Are there not guards around the area? They seem to be pretty restricted on what the assisstants can do. I'm surprised there's not greater pushback on M leaving.

pg 4: "Bowing was out of the question."
--why? It's a fairly standard gesture of respect.

pg 5: "instead of mass monetary inequity
--lol

pg 5: "whether a patrilineal inheritance line had an effect on sword design"
--huh?

pg 6: J pops up kind of conveniently. How did he know where she was?

pg 7: I would think J would be wary of touching strange things, with his allergies.

pg 7: "She couldn’t remember any that turned orange."
--this feels important, but I don't know why M wandered off and why she came to the blacksmith's

pg 8: "then finally snapped in half, the sound like cracking ice."
--sounds like some sort of natural resin or epoxy. Also, wouldn't she have it on her hands as well?

pg 8: "trying to remove the bright, maple leaf-orange stain that had set in."
--oh, is this on her hands?

pg 11: "My parent’s gave me that name. It’s mine. Only mine.”
--is this new? She doesn't like people to use her name because her parents gave it to her?

pg 12: "They weren’t allowed to use their napkins"
--my grandmother always got upset when I got her cloth napkins dirty...

pg 12: "The head cook had spent twenty minutes on how to push food around your plate to make it look like you’d at least tried everything."
--I find it strange that the cook didn't want them to eat.

pg 15: "Changed the law even,"
--interesting.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The usual disclaimer, didn't read the previous comment.

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, "The low branches felt cruel noting the season and her silk tunic" I had to reread this, because first read I thought that those low branches were snagging her shirt, not emphasizing how cold she is in her silk tunic.

Pg 1, " too-tight hose that accentuated" I'm instantly getting images of David Bowie in Labyrinth. 

Pg 1, "no discernable breast shapes" This feels awkward for me. Breast outline? I have no clue. Personal opinion.

Pg 2, "I have a tea I can show you" That's very kind of her. I would assume show, not give any samples, considering the price. 

Pg 2, "You called them what they wanted to be called." Man, you just summarized my entire philosophy in a sentence.

Pg 3, "Is that understood?"  At first, I thought to myself, "Gee, shouldn't servants for such important attendees already know what to do?" Then I considered the vast stupidity of people and agreed by the end that laying down expectations and a timeline was smart. 

Pg 3, "Is there a reason I’m the only one in green?" Because it's a symbol for your newness (in case someone doesn't know, a green horse is an inexperienced horse, so I'm finding horse symbolism where I am sure there is none)

Pg 4, "tried to pay attention" $5 says everything is going to go in one ear and out the other. 

Pg 4, " the cedar bush she’d been inadvertently pruning." As an avid boredom grass puller, I relate.

Pg 4, "she could skip the talking and get her own orientation" Mmmm, I struggle with this. Sometimes I want to wack M over the head. She wants information...but isn't willing to stick around to get the best source of information because it's boring. Girl, all you have to do is sit still for probably an hour, and you can do that in a prickly blackberry bush for hours without issue. For someone who is nearly double my age, M strongly reminds me of some of the most frustrating people I know that are my age. I love a good character with a strong independence streak, but sometimes M's thought process is so much more emotional than logical that I get frustrated. It's like dealing with a student who rolls their eyes, doesn't listen to directions, then blames you when it all goes wrong. 

I relate to N's frustrations.

Pg 4, " few people around." My guess, is that the servants are either getting etiquette lessons, are cooking, or putting up decor. 

Pg 5, "Bowing was out of the question." That illogical stubbornness is going to get her in major trouble. The day M swallows her massive ego long enough to actually have a plan go...well, to plan...I will be shocked.

Pg 5, "flattening them in a jagged line" She's the kind of person I hate at corn mazes.

Pg 5, "when people still relied on swords to kill, instead of mass monetary inequity." Ooof.

Pg 5, " A rack of new swords and daggers lay on a table near it" I will be shocked if one of those daggers doesn't end up in her boot.

Pg 5, "she knew little about swordplay itself" Confirmation M is a rogue, as if that wasn't obvious from Chapter 1 ;) Still, I don't think I knew she wasn't much of a sword wielder before. 

Pg 6, "Meant for wall decorations, maybe?" Too fancy for practice swords. A play?

Pg 6, "She put the knife back down and wiped the excess oil"

Pg 6, " onto the side of her tunic" That's going to stain :/ Which means N is probably going to instantly notice. 

Pg 6, "his face a mask of mischief" Like brother, like sister.

Pg 6, "Shouldn’t you be in an orientation or something?” Did they both ditch? Good grief!At his point it’s a function

Pg 6, "You know what the important people are talking about?" Information!

Pg 7, "A long handprint of bright orange" Huh, I didn't know linseed oil made things orange. I feel like M should have known that before she wiped her hands on her tunic. 

Pg 7, "She couldn’t remember any that turned orange." Huh, that makes much more sense. I loved the flashbacks, building up her character more. 

Pg 7, " poked her right in the belly button" This is something my sister and I would totally do to each other, and have done more times than I can count. Admittedly, I poke my sister a lot more than she pokes me, but it isn't my fault she wears crop tops. 

Pg 8, "But a shorter dress might." Oh my gosh, I love J. I need more of him in my life.

Pg 8, " nearly two dozen maids and several pages" Here are all the people missing earlier! 

Pg 8, " shut it silently"

Pg 8, " The hardened edge... the fabric dried and hard" Repetitive.

Pg 8, " then finally snapped in half, the sound like cracking ice" Huh...what would be the point of extra hard swords that are most dull? I feel like swords are already tough to begin with.

Pg 9, " the orange peeled away like an onion skin." So not good with water. Not great for protecting leather then, eh? What is going on here?

Pg 9, " feeling much more like her old self" And in her birthday suit no less. Hijinks time. 

Pg 9, "What are you doing here?" Causing trouble, obviously.

Pg 9, "“Where. Are. Your. Clothes.” Heh heh heh heh

Pg 9, “Cold,” she said, pointing at her betraying" HAHAHAHA, that's the way to do it! 

Pg 9, "At this point it’s a function"

Pg 9, " I thought I’d layer the tunics." Good logical lie, although it doesn't quite explain the missing underwear ;)

Pg 10, “I got you an exemption.” Probably easier to get M an exception than trying to constantly try to argue with her. M is great at the philosophy of the squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Pg 10, "would stay there" I hate wedgies. 

Pg 10, "Or the butt of jokes." Correction: to remain only the butt of M's jokes.

Pg 12, " after a stifling lunch of water chestnuts, corn, and lecture." I love the dry humor. It is so much up my alley.

Pg 12, "the tatted lace sheets were entirely for decoration" I absolutely love this uselessness. 

Pg 13, "running laps in the suite—sweaty, but smiling." This makes me happy. A silent protest that gets out that excess energy, hopefully.

Pg 14, "Oh my gods you smell.” This sentence instantly reminded me of high school gym lockers and I didn't need that.

Pg 15, "banned them." Missing quotation mark at the end of the sentence.

Pg 15, " beige corset, holding it between two fingers with distaste." I have a wheat brown corset! It's surprisingly comfortable...

Pg 17, "should choke on a rambutan," I had to Google this. And I would not want to eat one unpeeled.

Pg 18, "A loud rap came from the door" Boo!

Pg 18, "She smelled like a confection, and she hated sweets." I can think of multiple jokes with this. 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi!

Just a preface: It might just be me, but all of my text is highlighted in the submission. Of course, it may be you, so I'm giving you a heads up that you may have done something differently.

1) I noticed that you like to start each chapter with a pithy observation by M. I'm still on the fence whether I like it or not.

The highlighting bit ends pg. 4 I think it's on your end.

5) how long does it take to forge a sword?

11) it may just be me, or is it the same pattern of do something go to room, embarrass N and talk - rinse and repeat? Or is it just me because I'm annoyed with it in my own writing?

12 - bow and curtsy

14) "Wait for the right person" that doesn't sound royal at all.

I've spent a while waiting on the comb. Why does it matter so much? Why does she need it so bad?

 

 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with @Mandamon that this chapter doesnt feel like it adds much to the story. It does feel like its supposed to be a bonding moment between the two, but I dont think its quiet there. They dont really share anything personal besides N feeling the need to marry/have an heir.

I enjoyed that both of them snuck out of their lessons. It shows that while they both lived differently lifestyles they both tend to break the rules. I laughed at M just walking out but it made me wonder how N would parellel. Did she also just walk out while saying she had to go to the bathroom? Or did she escape when people were pairing up to dance? That would have been fun to learn about.

I too want to know about the four genders. Is this something M already knows about and that is why its not explained? If so, maybe it should have been included earlier? If she doesnt know about it then I am ok with learning about it later, but not too much later.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

P. 1. “The low branches felt cruel noting the season and her silk tunic.” – Don’t know what this means, really.

“Same coarse silk.” – I don’t know, but can silk be coarse? (I suspect I will get a lengthy explanation of how, yes, silk can be coarse.)

P. 4. “Don’t do it again.” – I feel like she shouldn’t answer with words here. Plus, M. muttered. Would she have heard?

P. 6. "J peered around one the castle back doors." - One of?

P. 8. “she full intended” – fully?

P. 12. “Proper way to bow and courtesy” – curtsy?

I thought it was written very well. It builds tension by beginning in boring formality and then gradually ramping up the sexual tension. I'm assuming that the interlude with the linseed is important and will be explained later. I liked how it opened a window into backstory. I do wonder why she went to the forgery, though. I understand that she has a quasi-interest in swords, but this doesn't seem like a strong enough motivation to tramp through hedges and beeline for it. If it's boredom/idle curiosity, you should perhaps highlight that?

J's appearance feels a bit like an insert. It also had next to no impact on the chapter later on. If there's going to be some payoff from him eavesdropping on 'important people' then it had better come in the next chapter or so.

Edit: Thinking about it, the linseed episode receives so much attention that it feels like the beginning of a mystery subplot. I'm fairly sure this isn't the intention.

Edited by TheDwarfyOne
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Comments (LBLs sent separately).

(page 1)

- I was a bit disoriented on the first page, partly I think because I had WRS and could not remember what the season was, but even then, it seems a bit of a roundabout way to say, M was cold.

(page 2)

- Do dreams 'close'? I feel like they fade, or maybe just end.

- I enjoyed M having a normal conversation with someone. It seems that for the most part she is angry at or frustrated with the person she's speaking to.

(page 4)

- This is all very interesting. Coding gender by clothing style...hmm. 

- "went right back to the bush" - I don't follow what's happened here.

(page 5)

- I both love and loathe how she just barged out of the maze. LOL :lol: 

- "a table near it" - Near what? Is the table inside or outside? And the rack, it's on the table? That seems odd.

(page 6)

- "Where’s the rest of it?" - ROFL. A classic line. Very funny whenever it's rolled out, IMO.

(page 8)

- "purposefully missing" - This is the second of these this week > 'purposely'. - I blame autocorrect.

- I like the moment by the forge, and the discussion with J. It felt very natural. It doesn't seem to me moving the plot on (although at least J talked about what should be happening) but I like the local colour and getting to see the palace, and feel more like I am in the setting.

- "figure out the logistics of its disposal later" - LOL, but I still don't understand where the linseed oil came from that got on the dress.

- "skimpy underwear" - I have no recollection of this! Why was I not informed?!

(page 9)

- "What are you doing here? No, what are you doing here?!" - Awesome. Love it. Now this is quality fluff.

(page 10)

- "and would stay there" - LOL.

- "Not even J" - LOL. Good character for Jv, and M.

(page 11)

- "It’s mine. Only mine" - Nice. Really good, deep characters notes in this part.

- "princess veneer" - twice on the same page: I really feel you only get one of these per chapter.

- "she definitely wanted to see" - Good note. I like seeing M thinking positive towards N. It's a good look.

(page 12)

- "giggling on a bar stool" - I am transported to a certain piece of fanfic. 'Qu, Mag. and Nu walk into a bar...' (In fact, I just went back a read them. I do believe that is some of my best writing. That's unfortunate :rolleyes:. I'm just going to leave this one quote here, for old times' sake: "and that suit, well, countries had gone to war over less." :D 

- "M kept walking" - Love that scene. Loved, loved, loved it. I'm thinking.................................................................................... Okay, I know I slontzeed about earlier scenes, but I get that there needs to be tension and conflict between M and N. I get that. I feel like my biggest problem was always the scene in the tavern when I just didn't understand what as happening. It's so odd that the line about the bar stool took me back to that Qu / Mag fanfic, because it reminded me ho enjoyable verbal sparring can be, and this scene right here gave me similar enjoyment. Nice work. I feel 175% more invested in the M and N relationship.

- Why aren't they allowed to eat? Confused. I get that they are serving at the banquet, so obviously won't be eating, but why are they being instructed on not eating? I'm kind of baffled here?

- "running laps" - My first reaction was 'modern expression', but I went on from there to consider why M feels this sudden need to run. I don't get it. She didn't run in the forest, that I can remember.

(page 13)

- "ran tight circles around the four poster" - But why?! It's a whole fitness / working out vibe that feels terribly modern and doesn't fit with anything I can recall seeing of M's character. Okay, this is a thing that I feel occurs in more than one of your drafts that I have read, when the main characters does something for no good or consistent reason that I can fathom from what has gone before. I mean, in this case, I feel like M is doing this for plot reasons so that she is all sweaty at the appropriate time for an encounter with N.

- "jogging in place near the door" - This, this is completely modern, it's something some joggers do at crosswalks. This whole scene has taken on a ridiculous post-modern weirdness that is starting to make me think of a Benny Hill sketch.

- "I decided I don’t have time" - For what? Don't understand.

- "Killer tits?" - I find this coarse and distasteful. I think this crudeness makes M unlikeable, like she sees N as a pair of tits and nothing more.

- "you smell" - So, all that mad comedy jogging was for this, to generate a reason for M to 'need' a bath urgently? It seems very deliberate and plot-driven, so heavily engineered and blatant that it loses any feeling of being a natural part of the story, IMO.

(page 14)

- Once we are past the lame manoeuvring to get M in the bath, the banter resumes its enjoyable cut and thrust.

(page 18)

- "And she wasn’t the only one playing at it" - I feel that you play a game, not play at a game, and this would make the ending snappier.

OVERALL 

I enjoyed this chapter very much, but I suppose that was to be expected, as I love character scenes and tend to be able ti take plot or leave it.

Not without some gripes, mainly the jogging, that appeared to come from nowhere and not sit comfortably beside anything that has gone before in terms of behaviour for M. It seemed very deliberately done purely to make her sweat so she needed a bath, urgently. It just seemed to artificial to me.

My takeaway though is that I am just so pleased that M is behaving towards N like a human being. And yet, M seems to have forgotten about the 'spying', it didn't come up in her internal monologue once, not even to acknowledge that she was setting it aside or deferring it.

Anyway, good job.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt like I could really relate to M in this chapter. The fidgeting and feeling awkward at the orientation was great. I saw @Mandamon's comment about it not adding much to the plot, but I feel like it is still important. There is good character development and world building, and introduces a new character. It sets me up to think this Ji will have an important role later. The scene in the smithy did feel a little disconnected, but I was on board with it, though Jx showing up there seemed a little odd. The linseed oil also left me with the feeling that something was being set up for. Later in the chapter, when N and M are together, there was some great tension between the two of them. Their interactions were cute. They had some tender moments. The romance plot definitely seems to be advancing. 

I think if this were fantasy first, romance second, and not the other way around, maybe the quieter scenes at the opening wouldn't have worked as well, but I feel like we needed those moments of M without N or her crew. I needed to see her a little more vulnerable and awkward without anyone else to banter with. 

The chapters did seem to meander a little, but I was okay with that. Maybe instead of cutting them, you can tighten up the arc that binds all the scenes together? 

An aside-- are up to at least three J's now? 

As I read:

"...hedge rows, mazes, and..." I want to go explore this garden. 

"Four genders, four outfits..." If I hadn't already bought into this world, I am totally sold on it now. But I want to know more about these genders. 

"You called them what they wanted to be called. No debates. Food, tea, those were the priorities, and they sure didn’t have enough nice clothes to be dictating who could wear what." I like how the forest sounds chill and accepting. You are who you are. No questions asked. 

"Apparently once you got rich, you had a lot of time to debate silly things, like impractical summer clothing fashion in autumn." So are you implying that privilege is creating a barrier to people being accepting of others and their gender roles? Are you saying thinking about gender and labels is something only the privileged have time for? Am I reading way too much into this? 

"...the cedar bush she’d been inadvertently pruning..." I would probably being doing exactly this. 

At one point, I was partially questioning her decision. At first she seemed frustrated by not having enough information, and now she is giving up the chance to get more. However, with all the discomfort she is feeling, leaving makes sense. 

"Maybe a few hundred years ago when people still relied on swords to kill, instead of mass monetary inequity." Yes!! Great voice and world building, and truth.

“I heard the Duchy of Faun’s Pass banned them. Missing a quote at the end of this sentence. 

"J had gone through a brief corset fascination period in his teens..." I love this little detail, and it makes me love Ja. 

"Seduction was a delicate game,...wasn’t the only one playing at it." Oh yes, N is definitely doing seduction. And the tension in this past scene was fantastic.    

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

It's a little jumbled.

Check, and I've gone through and tried to smooth out this section so its clearer.

On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

Would they even let her leave?

Even for the toilet? I figured that was a reasonable out, but I'll add in some more from the cook because they only just got there. She shouldn't have a full bladder already.

On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

why? It's a fairly standard gesture of respect.

Ah, this was more about her not liking royalty. Have clarified

On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

J pops up kind of conveniently. How did he know where she was?

YES HOW DID HE KNOW o_O

On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

this feels important, but I don't know why M wandered off and why she came to the blacksmith's

I've tried to streamline this a bit, and add some clarity as to why she heads that way.

On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

She doesn't like people to use her name because her parents gave it to her?

I need to better develop this I think. It's explained later, but a LOT later, and I don't want it tripping up people here

On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

I'm also not sure what the big deal is with her wearing/not wearing pants, but it seems solved very easily when N does whatever she did, although I remember that being a huge point last time that she couldn't ask for an exemption. What changed?

I have clearly failed to use the pants exposition as showing M's changing attitude towards N and her willingness to acquiesce to some royal demands. Going to go back through and see if I can clean this up. 

 

On 6/1/2020 at 0:26 PM, Mandamon said:

Also, what are the four genders? Inquiring minds want to know!

I'm not sure how much I'm going to go into them in this book. they aren't relevant to M so they aren't going to be super relevant overall. As I do this final read through pass I think I might sprinkle in just a bit more, though. Thank you, as always, @Mandamon!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/1/2020 at 2:37 PM, Snakenaps said:

I'm instantly getting images of David Bowie in Labyrinth.

This is 100% what I was channeling

On 6/1/2020 at 2:37 PM, Snakenaps said:

his feels awkward for me. Breast outline? I have no clue. Personal opinion.

Mandamon flagged it too. Have reworded

On 6/1/2020 at 2:37 PM, Snakenaps said:

M strongly reminds me of some of the most frustrating people I know that are my age. I love a good character with a strong independence streak, but sometimes M's thought process is so much more emotional than logical that I get frustrated. It's like dealing with a student who rolls their eyes, doesn't listen to directions, then blames you when it all goes wrong. 

I'm trying, perhaps poorly, to display ADHD in M. She can sit in blackberries because hyper focus. She can't sit still for a lecture she doesn't care for. ADHD in women is such an interesting thing but it's not well understood by the general public so I'm not certain how to show it without people just being exasperated. M does make poor choices, that you wouldn't expect from someone her age, but I need there to be enough 'why is she like this' to feed the eventual plot twist. I'll revisit this section.

On 6/1/2020 at 2:37 PM, Snakenaps said:

Still, I don't think I knew she wasn't much of a sword wielder before. 

I've put a bit more about this in early chapters. I think it's hilarious that she has basically relied on standing still while people beat her with steel until they get frustrated, as her defense.

On 6/1/2020 at 2:37 PM, Snakenaps said:

Huh, I didn't know linseed oil made things orange

I've removed the reference to orange. I think it's confusing people

On 6/1/2020 at 2:37 PM, Snakenaps said:

I can think of multiple jokes with this.

Oh yes. So, so many jokes.

Your LBL thoughts are such a delight, as always. Thank you for the notes! Onward to hijinks and sexy time!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/2/2020 at 3:36 PM, Turin Turambar said:

but all of my text is highlighted in the submission. Of course, it may be you, so I'm giving you a heads up that you may have done something differently.

Ooof, it should have just been the first bit. Sorry about that

On 6/2/2020 at 3:36 PM, Turin Turambar said:

how long does it take to forge a sword?

Don't know? The plot point is the oil, mercifully.

On 6/2/2020 at 3:36 PM, Turin Turambar said:

it may just be me, or is it the same pattern of do something go to room, embarrass N and talk - rinse and repeat?

Yup. Romance formatting FTW. Formulas sell books

On 6/2/2020 at 3:36 PM, Turin Turambar said:

I've spent a while waiting on the comb. Why does it matter so much? Why does she need it so bad?

Good! These are the questions I hope are really digging at the reader at this point. It's ridiculous how much she wants the comb. It should seem weird. Thank you so much for the feedback @Turin Turambar!


 

 

On 6/2/2020 at 8:22 PM, CherishLarain said:

this chapter doesnt feel like it adds much to the story.

I'm torn because it has a lot of purpose, it's just not clear yet. But if readers bounce off of that, it's purpose doesn't much matter. The issue may be more that it doesn't have an arc, and I think I can clean that up with the pants situation, and making it more clear that M going to the lecture, meeting J, and then acquiescing on the pants is showing some character growth

On 6/2/2020 at 8:22 PM, CherishLarain said:

I too want to know about the four genders. Is this something M already knows about and that is why its not explained? If so, maybe it should have been included earlier? If she doesnt know about it then I am ok with learning about it later, but not too much later.

I'll need to put something in about this in earlier chapters, I think. Thank you so much for the help @CherishLarain!

 

 

On 6/3/2020 at 2:06 AM, TheDwarfyOne said:

I feel like she shouldn’t answer with words here.

Oh good call! Have deleted.

On 6/3/2020 at 2:06 AM, TheDwarfyOne said:

I do wonder why she went to the forgery,

I've added some reasoning to this. I'm glad the chapter arc worked for you!

On 6/3/2020 at 2:06 AM, TheDwarfyOne said:

J's appearance feels a bit like an insert. It also had next to no impact on the chapter later on. I

J is hitting about where he should here, in terms of having people go 'where does he keep coming from.' I'm hoping its not irritating enough to keep people from reading but yes, he keeps showing up, silently, in contrast to M, who tromps and makes a giant mess wherever she goes. Since the book is M's POV, she's a bit of an unreliable narrator when it comes to her unique skills, not so much J's.

On 6/3/2020 at 2:06 AM, TheDwarfyOne said:

Edit: Thinking about it, the linseed episode receives so much attention that it feels like the beginning of a mystery subplot. I'm fairly sure this isn't the intention.

This is 100% the intention! Welcome to the B plot! And thank you for the help, @TheDwarfyOne!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

I enjoyed M having a normal conversation with someone. It seems that for the most part she is angry at or frustrated with the person she's speaking to.

really wanted to show M existing out of her element and trying to take in new information. I'm glad this worked!

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

Where’s the rest of it?" - ROFL. A classic line. Very funny whenever it's rolled out, IMO

I feel like these kinds of lines are just such a delight in a trope book. How can you not love them?

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

I like the moment by the forge, and the discussion with J. It felt very natural. It doesn't seem to me moving the plot on (although at least J talked about what should be happening) but I like the local colour and getting to see the palace, and feel more like I am in the setting.

These little segments are highly plot relevant, but it's not apparent. My hope is that people can tolerate them at least for setting and worldbuilding, and will see their underlaying value later on. Like at a certain ball...

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

LOL, but I still don't understand where the linseed oil came from that got on the dress.

It's from the sword sheath. I've tried to clarify

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

I am transported to a certain piece of fanfic. 'Qu, Mag. and Nu walk into a bar...' (In fact, I just went back a read them. I do believe that is some of my best writing.

Those little shorts were amazing. Some day, when we are all big names and published, we're going to have to release them to the world!

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

Nice work. I feel 175% more invested in the M and N relationship.

Oh YAY!

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

I'm kind of baffled here?

Preservation of lace napkins at all cost! It's just a silly worldbuilding thing.

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

I don't get it. She didn't run in the forest, that I can remember.

I think I'm failing to showcase well the ADHD tendencies of M. They come out a lot stronger in this chapter, but they've been there all along. I can't decide if this is because ADHD in women isn't as well known (the expression of it), or if I just need to lay it on thicker. Or maybe hang a lantern on it with J maybe just saying something like 'Jesus can you just sit still?"

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

It seems very deliberate and plot-driven, so heavily engineered and blatant that it loses any feeling of being a natural part of the story, IMO.

It was more meant to showcase M's sort of perpetual anxious energy. I'm going to try to clear that up

On 6/3/2020 at 3:32 PM, Robinski said:

And yet, M seems to have forgotten about the 'spying', it didn't come up in her internal monologue once, not even to acknowledge that she was setting it aside or deferring it.

Yes, yes she has. I'm glad that's come across. Thank you for these! Going to hit the LBLs tonight!

 

 

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The fidgeting and feeling awkward at the orientation was great.

I wonder how much the fidgeting and energy will resonate with those who have similar issues, but I can't figure out how to better integrate them so people who don't won't bounce off it. J-s may just have to hang a lantern on it early on.

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The scene in the smithy did feel a little disconnected, but I was on board with it, though Jx showing up there seemed a little odd.

I've smoothed out how she got there, so I hope that helps. J-s showing up should be odd, so that part works well.

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

he linseed oil also left me with the feeling that something was being set up for.

YES. Hello, B plot

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

I needed to see her a little more vulnerable and awkward without anyone else to banter with. 

We do need to have a set of quieter scenes now, since the book has been fairly action/plot heavy for a romance thus far. Hence, this and the next few are more 'let's build sexual tension' scenes before the B plot comes calling again.

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The chapters did seem to meander a little, but I was okay with that. Maybe instead of cutting them, you can tighten up the arc that binds all the scenes together? 

Yup. Pants are the arc, and I need to really tighten that up. 

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

But I want to know more about these genders. 

You and everyone else! I'm going to put a bit more in at the beginning

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

So are you implying that privilege is creating a barrier to people being accepting of others and their gender roles? Are you saying thinking about gender and labels is something only the privileged have time for? Am I reading way too much into this? 

This is a deeply M perspective, and one I hope I can get away with since I don't share that view (and this chapter is supposed to show M coming around on this). She's saying that clothing and gender roles with clothing are silly because when you're trying to stay alive, you don't have time to care about that kind of thing. Because she's cis and doesn't think about it. She's going to go through some changes later in the book but her opinion should start to change here, which is supposed to be shown by her acquiescing to not wear pants since she begins to understand their importance for other people. 

I don't want to deeply theme the book with this because its first and foremost f/f romance, but you know me, I can't help sliding a bit of the enby in there.

On 6/5/2020 at 8:10 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

And the tension in this past scene was fantastic

Hoorah for sexual tension! The actual sex scene is in chapter 14, so we have a ways to go. My lesbian beta reader team gave me such flack for how long it took. I pointed out that in the Ard series you had to wait until book three. They quieted down a bit then. :P

Also if we get to the sex scene on here, it will be the introduction of the (B) for bondage content tag!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, kais said:

I'm trying, perhaps poorly, to display ADHD in M. She can sit in blackberries because hyper focus. She can't sit still for a lecture she doesn't care for. ADHD in women is such an interesting thing but it's not well understood by the general public so I'm not certain how to show it without people just being exasperated. M does make poor choices, that you wouldn't expect from someone her age, but I need there to be enough 'why is she like this' to feed the eventual plot twist. I'll revisit this section.

Oh! Now that I know to look out for this, I can keep an eye out. Both my sister and my best friend are ADHD, and I've known my fair share of students with ADHD. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, kais said:

I think I'm failing to showcase well the ADHD tendencies of M. They come out a lot stronger in this chapter, but they've been there all along. I can't decide if this is because ADHD in women isn't as well known (the expression of it), or if I just need to lay it on thicker. Or maybe hang a lantern on it with J maybe just saying something like 'Jesus can you just sit still?"

On 6/3/2020 at 6:32 PM, Robinski said:

Jumping in as an adult person with ADHD.

I don't think you are failing or poorly showing it at all. I was getting big ADHD vibes from M, but didn't mention it because I assumed that term might not exist in this world. I think you are doing a fantastic job of writing an adult with ADHD. 

Knowing you are doing this on purpose actually makes thing makes more sense to me. This is why I related with M so much in this chapter. The thought process, the running from the lecture, the fidgeting with the branch.

Their obsession with having pants and certain material clothes even connects with that since it's fairly common for people with ADHD to have sensory issues. 

And if think back to the versions I read of other chapters, it's fairly consistent. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.