5/25/2020 - Snakenaps - Name of the King - Chapter Six (2387 words)

[Snakenaps]

A much shorter chapter this round! Depending on how much I trim from Chapter 5, I may be able to combine the chapters.

Ignore any anachronisms. Those are getting revised, as well as the old monarchy before the BK. I began reevaluating reader promises from the last chapter and came up with an idea for Draft Three that is really going to strengthen everything. So, thank you all, because without you, I may never have realized this missing opportunity! 

 

Any and all comments welcome!

 

Previously: Ir signs a contract with the monarchy that has taken over her country. The monarchy wants to her magical ability in exchange for rebuilding the entire burnt restaurant and paying the salaries of all of her co-workers. 

 

 

[Sarah B]

That was a quick chapter! It flowed very easily and was pleasant to read.

I only have two quick comments:

The sentence, "Her stomach knotted painfully,..." caught my eye. This feels like two separate sentences rather than one. To my ear for this to be one sentence the comma needs to be a semicolon or a linking word like "while" added. I could very well be wrong, I'm not a seasoned Grammer-smith. 

I liked this chapter a lot, however two back to back reaction/reprise scenes felt a little repetitive since nothing realy changed from either conversation. I don't know if maybe one could be covered in summery, could occur later on, or maybe some complications could result durring a scene?

Thanks for sharing!

 

[Robinski]

Comments:

“dropped in horror” – I don’t believe it would be horror. That implies to me they have gone immediately past shock and surprise. I don’t think they would get there that fast. Also, I reckon that there must be some vague hope in Car’s heart for a miracle, and that she would snatch hope at the chance first, maybe, before coming to a more nervous realisation. I think the negative reaction is too quick.

“The fire wasn’t from the charms failing” – Whaaaaaaaaaat? I was told she had a plan, but she’s just gone straight out a broken the contract as fast as she possibly could, after acknowledging in her own thoughts that the monarchy might be spying on her. I really don’t believe this. I need to know what the clever plan is before she breaks the contract. I mean, she doesn’t even pause, or give it a second thought. Okay, it gets explained that Ir feels a little truth is essential, and I accept that, but I don’t see any reason to withhold Ir’s thought process from the reader beforehand. That felt a bit like false tension to me.

“those Fey” – Huh? There has been reference to Fey in the north, but I don’t think it’s ever been mentioned that the invading M are Fey. And they look just like everyone else, don’t they? I mean, the king is a unicorn, right? Okay, that’s a fantastical creature, but there are dragons in the general populace, so it can’t be that simple.

“or by M when the BK is done with you” – I’ve been struggling a little with this name. I know it’s the name of the invading nation, but it looks *very* like Mathias, which is the Christian name of a person, typically in Germany (or Austria, I suppose. Maybe Switzerland). So, each time it comes up, I think it’s a person, just for a moment, before I remember it’s the BK’s nation. 

“I’ll be in your restaurant cooking for you one year from now” – I love this determination, I just love it. Great character building.

Again there is mention in Ir’s POV of her mother and father by their first names. Children just do not think of their parents that way. It’s very disorienting in person narrative. Have I mentioned that I don’t think it? I don’t like it.

“R’s blessed planet” – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there. Are you telling is (which you are) that they have sufficiently sophisticated science that they know they are on a planet? This is a massive shift in my perspective.

“Why?” piped up…adults were nodding.” – This whole section is heavily expositional. I would cut it, or heavily reword it. (1) we don’t need to contemplate this right now; (2) families don’t talk this way, IMO, hence maid-and-butler; and (3) it’s too soon after the initial revelation, I feel.

LOL, I like the closing of the chapter. It's nice to mix up the endings and not hor terribly portentous lines every time. Nice job there.

Overall 

This is a strong chapter, IMO. The scene with Car and Gr was powerful stuff, lots of emotions. I thought it worked really well. The scene with her family, well, you have my comments. It’s okay up to a point, but there is a big wodge of exposition in there that I think can be almost completely excised.

Still enjoying the story and looking forward to discovering where it goes   

[TheDwarfyOne]

Well written. I look forward to reading more, which is the goal of any author.

Pg. 1. Her stomach knotting painfully?

“In thinly veiled impatience.” This doesn’t strike me as a necessary sentence.

Pg. 2. “The proud, determined C was non-existent.” ‘Non-existent’ is probably too strong a word! XD

‘I nodded mutely before swooping’ might flow better.

Pg. 4. “The freshly signed contracts a vivid imagine.” Memory? Image?

[TheDwarfyOne]

Edit: Not sure, but I think internet problems caused a double-post. Apologies.

Edited May 26, 2020 by TheDwarfyOne

[shatteredsmooth]

To be honest, I was so engaged with this chapter that I forgot to make notes as I was reading. It's quick, it's tense, and left me wanting to read on. Maybe on of the best you've submitted so far. 

C's reaction was exactly what I thought it would be when I finally told her about the deal. I love how I is trying very hard to tell as much as she can without breaking the agreement and is worried about being spied on. 

However, given that concern, I'm wondering if bolting straight to C is the best idea. If she is worried about being spied on, wouldn't bolting straight to C's be a little too obvious? Yes, she should tell C first, before she even goes home, but running straight there seems like something that would make her new employer suspicious. 

I do like how it ends with the concern about S & T's potential involvement with the revolutionaries, and the risk I's new job could pose to them. 

[Mandamon]

Largely in agreement with @Robinski on this one, as usual. This one had some great character moments, and I think it could easily be appended to the last chapter, once some of that one is cut down.

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

Whaaaaaaaaaat? I was told she had a plan, but she’s just gone straight out a broken the contract as fast as she possibly could, after acknowledging in her own thoughts that the monarchy might be spying on her.

Yep. This is my biggest beef here. She's terrified of the big bad government (which we haven't really seen a cause for) yet instantly breaks the contract she sweated for 4-5 pages over signing. Wouldn't she expect them to come for her in the night or something?

“I can’t let you do that. Working for those Fey,”  --My other big  problem. We don't have nearly enough buildup for why these people are bad, or why the citizens hate them., especially given they seem to have revitalized the city after the last terrible monarch. I can understand racial tensions, but this doesn't seem to be that either. There's the same mix of folks working for the Black King as there are in the city. I think replacing some of the spots in earlier chapters with little scenes about what terrible things the M's are doing will really up the tension.

Enjoying it, though!

[shatteredsmooth]

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

Whaaaaaaaaaat? I was told she had a plan, but she’s just gone straight out a broken the contract as fast as she possibly could, after acknowledging in her own thoughts that the monarchy might be spying on her. I really don’t believe this.

Agree!

7 hours ago, Robinski said:

“those Fey” – Huh? There has been reference to Fey in the north, but I don’t think it’s ever been mentioned that the invading M are Fey.

This too. I didn't realize the bee king was Fey. 

 

[kais]

Overall

Not a lot of comments! This flowed nicely, was tight, and the tension was superb. I like the forward momentum and loved the argument with the restaurant owners. I'm really excited to see what our lead's work will be like with the fey!

 

15 hours ago, Robinski said:

The scene with her family, well, you have my comments. It’s okay up to a point, but there is a big wodge of exposition in there that I think can be almost completely excised.

I agree that the family reveal could be cut WAY down. We get all our impact from the restaurant people. The family feels redundant then, to a point.

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

She's terrified of the big bad government (which we haven't really seen a cause for) yet instantly breaks the contract she sweated for 4-5 pages over signing. Wouldn't she expect them to come for her in the night or something?

Did she break the contract? I thought she was pretty vague. Wouldn't she need to give specifics to break the contract?

 

 

As I go

- pg 3: a decaying reason? Can reasons decay? I have so many questions

- pg 4: ah, decay of a person. I see

- pg 5: fey, huh? Plot twist!

- pg 5: really good beat, explaining the restaurant. There's the tension I've been wanting, and the anger! Nice!

- pg 7: blessed planet? Are there other planets???

- LOL at the honey bee line!

[Turin Turambar]

1) aren't coyote's  known for false smiles or something? 

2) "Just really tired" - how is that a half truth

5) wow - that nondisclosure went out the window. When are the consequences?

5) wait - so is the black king a therianthrope or a fey? are they mutually exclusive? 

7) so her family went from wanting to fight in a rebellion to interrogating her about inanities in the castle.

8) oh, no wait. ignore 7). I just got your characters confused. (I'm not deleting 7) because I'm getting the characters confused)

 

 

 

[Snakenaps]

On 5/25/2020 at 4:41 PM, Sarah B said:

The sentence, "Her stomach knotted painfully,..." caught my eye. This feels like two separate sentences rather than one. To my ear for this to be one sentence the comma needs to be a semicolon or a linking word like "while" added. I could very well be wrong, I'm not a seasoned Grammer-smith. 

I liked this chapter a lot, however two back to back reaction/reprise scenes felt a little repetitive since nothing realy changed from either conversation. I don't know if maybe one could be covered in summery, could occur later on, or maybe some complications could result durring a scene?

There's all sorts of grammar problems, dropped words, wrong tenses, and such I need to fix desperately. I thank you for putting me on the lookout for that one once I get to revising this chapter. 

I agree on the repetitiveness. It's a consistent problem from me figuring out how to write that is sprinkled all over the book. I have so much to cut or rewrite.

Thanks @Sarah B

[Snakenaps]

On 5/25/2020 at 11:51 PM, Robinski said:

“dropped in horror” – I don’t believe it would be horror. That implies to me they have gone immediately past shock and surprise. I don’t think they would get there that fast. Also, I reckon that there must be some vague hope in Car’s heart for a miracle, and that she would snatch hope at the chance first, maybe, before coming to a more nervous realisation. I think the negative reaction is too quick.

“The fire wasn’t from the charms failing” – Whaaaaaaaaaat? I was told she had a plan, but she’s just gone straight out a broken the contract as fast as she possibly could, after acknowledging in her own thoughts that the monarchy might be spying on her. I really don’t believe this. I need to know what the clever plan is before she breaks the contract. I mean, she doesn’t even pause, or give it a second thought. Okay, it gets explained that Ir feels a little truth is essential, and I accept that, but I don’t see any reason to withhold Ir’s thought process from the reader beforehand. That felt a bit like false tension to me.

The reaction problem is an easy fix. I need to go through an clean up every character's reactions and make sure that they are true to their personality. 

I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies.

On 5/25/2020 at 11:51 PM, Robinski said:

“those Fey” – Huh? There has been reference to Fey in the north, but I don’t think it’s ever been mentioned that the invading M are Fey. And they look just like everyone else, don’t they? I mean, the king is a unicorn, right? Okay, that’s a fantastical creature, but there are dragons in the general populace, so it can’t be that simple.

I have already cleared this up (I hope) in Draft Three chapters 1-3. To quote my notes, "Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion."

On 5/25/2020 at 11:51 PM, Robinski said:

“or by M when the BK is done with you” – I’ve been struggling a little with this name. I know it’s the name of the invading nation, but it looks *very* like Mathias, which is the Christian name of a person, typically in Germany (or Austria, I suppose. Maybe Switzerland). So, each time it comes up, I think it’s a person, just for a moment, before I remember it’s the BK’s nation. 

I had never heard of that name before now, so thank you.

I originally named one of the mountain ranges Hamish, but that's going to change because that definitely is a recognizable real name. I'm already pushing it with Ir's name. 

On 5/25/2020 at 11:51 PM, Robinski said:

Again there is mention in Ir’s POV of her mother and father by their first names. Children just do not think of their parents that way. It’s very disorienting in person narrative. Have I mentioned that I don’t think it? I don’t like it.

I ironically hate it when the narrator - whether it be in third person limited or omniscient - call them parents by Mom and Dad or the like because it pulls me out of the story. I'm always like, "That's not my Mom and Dad." It would be interesting to take a survey to see what readers generally prefer... 

On 5/25/2020 at 11:51 PM, Robinski said:

“R’s blessed planet” – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa there. Are you telling is (which you are) that they have sufficiently sophisticated science that they know they are on a planet? This is a massive shift in my perspective.

Planet changed to world. Gracias. 

On 5/25/2020 at 11:51 PM, Robinski said:

“Why?” piped up…adults were nodding.” – This whole section is heavily expositional. I would cut it, or heavily reword it. (1) we don’t need to contemplate this right now; (2) families don’t talk this way, IMO, hence maid-and-butler; and (3) it’s too soon after the initial revelation, I feel.

There's a lot of maid-and-butler problems I'm going through and fixing. I cut the entire dinner scene from Chapter One that was a massive maid-and-butler scene. There's a subplot I especially need to fix that'll come up in about...seven chapters(?) that needs a massive override. It's such a plothole that it looks like a cannonball went through the wall of my metaphorical book ship. 

Thank you @Robinski

[Snakenaps]

On 5/26/2020 at 2:59 AM, TheDwarfyOne said:

Well written. I look forward to reading more, which is the goal of any author.

Pg. 1. Her stomach knotting painfully?

“In thinly veiled impatience.” This doesn’t strike me as a necessary sentence.

Pg. 2. “The proud, determined C was non-existent.” ‘Non-existent’ is probably too strong a word! XD

‘I nodded mutely before swooping’ might flow better.

Pg. 4. “The freshly signed contracts a vivid imagine.” Memory? Image?

Stomach knots fixed. 

I'm hoping to cut a lot of unnecessary sentences, as well as spruce up word choice. 

I cracked myself up at "imagine." Maybe my fingers wanted those contracts to be imaginary...

On 5/26/2020 at 3:00 AM, TheDwarfyOne said:

Edit: Not sure, but I think internet problems caused a double-post. Apologies.

I never saw a double post, but I've definitely done that before. 

Thank you @TheDwarfyOne Love the username, fyi.

[Snakenaps]

On 5/26/2020 at 7:28 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

To be honest, I was so engaged with this chapter that I forgot to make notes as I was reading. It's quick, it's tense, and left me wanting to read on. Maybe on of the best you've submitted so far. 

This makes me hopeful, considering I have other chapters I like better XD I'm relieved that this story is working. It's hard to be objective about your own work. Especially since this is my first finished book. 

On 5/26/2020 at 7:28 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

However, given that concern, I'm wondering if bolting straight to C is the best idea. If she is worried about being spied on, wouldn't bolting straight to C's be a little too obvious? Yes, she should tell C first, before she even goes home, but running straight there seems like something that would make her new employer suspicious. 

This reminds me of a scene in the previous draft where Ir says some stuff that definitely breaks the contract, and she did it in a busy public bathhouse. That scene got completely scrapped and I rewrote the scene from scratch in a much more logical setting. I bet I can make this one more watertight without getting overly wordy. 

On 5/26/2020 at 7:30 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

On 5/26/2020 at 7:30 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

Whaaaaaaaaaat? I was told she had a plan, but she’s just gone straight out a broken the contract as fast as she possibly could, after acknowledging in her own thoughts that the monarchy might be spying on her. I really don’t believe this.

Agree!

On 5/26/2020 at 7:30 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

“those Fey” – Huh? There has been reference to Fey in the north, but I don’t think it’s ever been mentioned that the invading M are Fey

This too. I didn't realize the bee king was Fey. 

 

I'm going to copy what I wrote on Robinski's comments because I am lazy: 

"I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies.

I have already cleared this up (I hope) in Draft Three chapters 1-3. To quote my notes, "Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion."

Thanks @shatteredsmooth

[Snakenaps]

On 5/26/2020 at 7:30 AM, Mandamon said:

Yep. This is my biggest beef here. She's terrified of the big bad government (which we haven't really seen a cause for) yet instantly breaks the contract she sweated for 4-5 pages over signing. Wouldn't she expect them to come for her in the night or something?

Yup, absolutely fixing this. To quote myself from both Robinski and Shattersmooth: "I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies."

On 5/26/2020 at 7:30 AM, Mandamon said:

“I can’t let you do that. Working for those Fey,”  --My other big  problem. We don't have nearly enough buildup for why these people are bad, or why the citizens hate them., especially given they seem to have revitalized the city after the last terrible monarch. I can understand racial tensions, but this doesn't seem to be that either. There's the same mix of folks working for the Black King as there are in the city. I think replacing some of the spots in earlier chapters with little scenes about what terrible things the M's are doing will really up the tension.

I've only revised Chapters 1-3 so far, but I'm definitely buckling down on the former government, the current government, and the consequences of war. I'm trying to lay out the world and its rules much clearer right from the get go. Luckily for me, there was lots of exposition and unnecessary scenes that could be switched for world- and tension-makers. 

Thank you @Mandamon

[Snakenaps]

On 5/26/2020 at 3:19 PM, kais said:

Overall

Not a lot of comments! This flowed nicely, was tight, and the tension was superb. I like the forward momentum and loved the argument with the restaurant owners. I'm really excited to see what our lead's work will be like with the fey!

I agree that the family reveal could be cut WAY down. We get all our impact from the restaurant people. The family feels redundant then, to a point.

Did she break the contract? I thought she was pretty vague. Wouldn't she need to give specifics to break the contract?

As I go

- pg 3: a decaying reason? Can reasons decay? I have so many questions

- pg 4: ah, decay of a person. I see

- pg 5: fey, huh? Plot twist!

- pg 5: really good beat, explaining the restaurant. There's the tension I've been wanting, and the anger! Nice!

- pg 7: blessed planet? Are there other planets???

- LOL at the honey bee line!

I'm glad that the tension works. I've read and reread this book so much that sometimes I can't feel the tension anymore. 

Family reveal is definitely getting cut down.

I'm going to 1) make it harder for her to tell everyone what she wants without breaking the contract because I love making characters suffer and 2) she didn't quite break the contract but she got close, and I'll make it clear just how firm the boundaries are in Draft Three.

Decay/decaying is one of their curse words, stemming from their religion. Their deity's statues always have the runes "Growth" and "Decay" carved or painted on them. To reference my notes, 

Decay! or Rav’s decay! – “Decay! I hate that man!” “Rav’s decay, I am going to kill her when she gets home!” A sharply negative exclamation considered inappropriate by most parties. References the “decay” rune carved into Rav statues or tattooed onto priests.

Decaying – “I can’t believe I decaying lost!” A foul adjective or adverb that is incredibly rude. A derivative of the curse word, “decay.”

I need to go through and make curse words/slang more clear. For instance, the BK isn't literally Fey, but the term is used to describe anyone who is heartless and cruel. This comes back to be setting the world/world's rules better.

"Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion." 

Planet changed to world. However, yes, there are nine planets in all, including the world. https://worldofalturas.com/alturas/the-greshin-system/ 

I love that honey bee line. I hope it makes the cut. 

Thank you @kais

Edited May 30, 2020 by Snakenaps

[Snakenaps]

On 5/27/2020 at 2:02 PM, Turin Turambar said:

1) aren't coyote's  known for false smiles or something? 

I think so? I'm not sure. C was originally a deer in the outline, but there used to be another deer-like character, so C became a coyote therio. I grew up listening to coyotes yap and howl when I was a child. 

On 5/27/2020 at 2:02 PM, Turin Turambar said:

5) wow - that nondisclosure went out the window. When are the consequences?

Fixing this. To quote myself from earlier comments, "I'm going to clear up in Chapter Five how much she can say, and what she can't say, and make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family. Actually, making life more difficult for everyone seems to be a good chunk of revising...so sorry to my fictional babies."

On 5/27/2020 at 2:02 PM, Turin Turambar said:

5) wait - so is the black king a therianthrope or a fey? are they mutually exclusive? 

Therio: half-human, half-animal, such as a minotaur, centaur, and sphinx. C, Go, and Gr are all examples of therios.

In this case, Fey is referring to a slang term for someone who is heartless. I need to make this clear. To quote my notes:

"Fey – 'He’s Fey. I’ve no respect for someone who kicks puppies.' A serious accusation of being cruel or selfish. Based off of the belief that the Fey are monsters, and that they have the inability to feel compassion." 

However, many believe that the BK is Fey, which means that somehow he escaped the Feylands, where the Fey are trapped. Others believe he was cursed, while some think he was blessed by a foreign deity. Essentially: the BK is a controversial figure that has yellow eyes and dragon teeth. No normal unicorn looks like that. The question is...why does he look like that? 

On 5/27/2020 at 2:02 PM, Turin Turambar said:

I just got your characters confused. (I'm not deleting 7) because I'm getting the characters confused)

This is always a fear of mine, which was a massive problem in Draft Two's Chapter 1. I still need to go through and make things as clear as possible. Just because I have a character reference page on my website does not mean I get to be lazy. I want it to be so that the website is fun to explore if one is curious, but not necessary to finish the book. 

Thank you @Turin Turambar

[Robinski]

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

make sure Ir sticks to what she is allowed to say. I'm going to make it more difficult for her, because she hates lying to her friends and family.

I like the sounds of this. Inner conflict sounds good.

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

I originally named one of the mountain ranges Hamish, but that's going to change because that definitely is a recognizable real name. I'm already pushing it with Ir's name. 

That's cool. I almost commented on Hamish then didn't. And Ir, yes, fairly common in Eastern Europe, I think, or close variant therefore (Irene).

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

I ironically hate it when the narrator - whether it be in third person limited or omniscient - call them parents by Mom and Dad or the like because it pulls me out of the story. I'm always like, "That's not my Mom and Dad." It would be interesting to take a survey to see what readers generally prefer... 

I take your point. I think of it in terms of (a) it depends on the POV, if it's omnipotent then yes certainly, names would fit, but I feel this is close 3rd person on Ir; (b) I imagine myself thinking about my parents, which is what Ir is doing; and (c) she calls them Ma and Pa in dialogue, I'm pretty sure, so why would she think of them in her internal monologue as Jack and Jill?

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

metaphorical book ship

I love this phrase!!  

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Thank you @Robinski

De nada!