Mandamon Posted May 25, 2020 Report Share Posted May 25, 2020 Counting down! Five more chapters and an epilogue left! I actually took words out this week, so each sub is about 4500 words. Thanks to everyone for letting me hog the forum, and especially Sarah B for putting off until next week. SUB 31 Chapter 20, was a lot of fun for me to write, but also pulls in a lot from two other shorter stories (Five Hive Plateau and Journey to the Top of the Nether). Let me know if it works if you have or have not read the other material. Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone. S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom. They all attempt to pass through the wall, but are stopped by the Elg. S devises a new plan and they try again, with disastrous results. M leads his posse on a hunt, without success, and meets up with R and her posse. Many connections are made. E lives as an Elg for a few days and learns how they work. She also wins over the voices inside. I, meanwhile, dons the diadem and learns the history of the Eff. E/I appear in front of the rest of the cast and fill them in on everything. O gets some long overdue recognition and the whole crew starts planning to fight back. Back with S, he learns about the HoT and what comes next. Then it's off to Re to see how he's working with/against the Ari. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah B Posted May 26, 2020 Report Share Posted May 26, 2020 Feels like things are winding up! I have no idea how you are going to resolve things in only 5 more chapters but I am excited to see/read you do it. One thing jumped out at me reading this chapter, there are some oddly hyphenated words. At first I thought it was a particular character's speach pattern but it occurs in multiple speakers dialogue and outside of dialogue. I'll list them in case this wasn't intentional; (P6) Ex-actly Sub-tle, shut-tled, (the name) Or-i..., effi-ciency, ac-ceptance, inter-fearance, in-formation, ne-gotiation. Thanks for sharing 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snakenaps Posted May 26, 2020 Report Share Posted May 26, 2020 Thoughts as I go: Introduction, "How much longer will it be taking to investigate five more species," As if he isn't secretly pleased to have more to stick his curious nose into. Pg 1, " It wasn’t proper to show so much ankle." Scandalous. Pg 2, "almost ex-actly forty cycles" Not sure what is going on with "exactly" here. Pg 3, " Five Hive Plateau" I need to go read this short story before I get a copy of Oathbringer. Pg 4, "the sub-tle manipulations" Another weird hyphen. Pg 5, " shut-tled" This is really confusing me. If randomly hyphened words appeared when O talked, then I wouldn't care. But this is bugging me, because it doesn't fit in with the narrative. Pg 6, "She was twice as big" I am picturing literally twice as large but still proportionate. Not a massively overweight Mother, Jabba the Hutt style. Pg 8, "O-n’s knees were weak," These hyphens are driving me nuts. Pg 10, "effi-ciency" I would ctrl + F this document for hyphens. Pg 11, "ac-ceptance" Pg 13, " stepped out of her portal," Mid chapter POV switch. I'm sad to leave O, but otherwise, this doesn't bother me one bit. Pg 13, "inter-ference" Now I know this isn't purposeful because this definitely would not occur during R's POV. Pg 13, "an entire city" I must say, I am enjoying this little tour of new locations. It makes me want to see more. Pg 15, "our holy man" I had a theory until this fellow appeared that all of their names were two syllable. I was wrong. Pg 16, "No thanks to you." Pleasant fellow. Pg 17, " Giant spiders" I will politely pass. Pg 18, " small and sickly in comparison." Of course they were. Pg 18, "Assem-bly" Pg 19, "furni-ture" Pg 19, " made of the same light silk" Are their clothes made out of it too? Pg 19, "re-turned" Pg 20, "in-formation" Pg 21, "ne-gotiation" Pg 21, "as possible while" Pg 23, "had a way to manipulate" Were they the original creators of the Temple, the diadem, and the ring? And then simply forgotten to time until rediscovery? Pg 23, "re-sources" Pg 23, "herds" I like herds, as it gives a very specific idea in one's head. Although, out of curiosity, I Googled it, and apparently a group of spiders is called a cluster or clutter. Random thought: what do the spiders eat? The fruit? Each other? Pg 25, " these new negotiations will not be as pleasant as the first round." Uh oh! We have allies! With bumps and hurdles, yes, but allies! You're building up my hope, which is going to hurt if you dash it later in the finale. Won't lie, I'm concerned that the Species G might ditch everyone, though, if the going gets tough. I hope the hyphen problem is affecting any other chapters. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted May 26, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2020 Sorry about the hyphens! I'm sending out a new version without those... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted May 26, 2020 Report Share Posted May 26, 2020 Overall Good progress here, and it's nice to see them drumming up support. It's a bridge chapter, but a necessary one, and generally I was very engaged. I always struggle with Ori chapters, but I did enjoy seeing my favorite pixie again. Looking forward to the end of the book! As I go - pg 1: the epigraph makes me wonder once again how Earth fits into all this - pg 1: It wasn’t proper to show so much ankle. LOL - pg 2: I see others have pointed out the random hyphens, so I will ignore them - pg 2: wait, I just read the last chapter and I still don't know why/where of Ori's travels here - pg 10: I loved that Ori knew not to touch L! This sentence though, is kind of patronizing. Delete maybe? Still, he seemed to want to help them, in his own way. <-- it's the 'in his own way' that troubles me - pg 11: my, she acquiesces quickly - pg 13: built of long flat planks of a wood Ri was unfamiliar with <-- I feel personally betrayed that she does not have a wood anatomist on call to answer these questions - pg 16: they ride giant spiders? I'm with Ri. nopenopenope - pg 20: ahhhh, now I remember why they are asking these particular species for aid. WINGS! WRS! - pg 24: in regards to the last line--wouldn't negotiations to join just be....an application? Why would the assembly keep them out? What purpose would that serve? This line doesn't have the punch I'd like because I don't understand why they wouldn't just be immediately accepted. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted May 26, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2020 Thanks @Snakenaps, @Sarah B, and @kais! 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Introduction, "How much longer will it be taking to investigate five more species," As if he isn't secretly pleased to have more to stick his curious nose into. Oh definitely... 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Pg 3, " Five Hive Plateau" I need to go read this short story before I get a copy of Oathbringer. This one's free here! 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Pg 2, "almost ex-actly forty cycles" Not sure what is going on with "exactly" here. Sorry again about these... 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: I am picturing literally twice as large but still proportionate. That's right. 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Pg 15, "our holy man" I had a theory until this fellow appeared that all of their names were two syllable. I was wrong Nope...but there is a definite pattern in how the five names are formed! I might have had too much fun coming up with this. 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Pg 19, " made of the same light silk" Are their clothes made out of it too? Yep. They have three resources: wood, silk, and (rarely) crystal. 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Pg 23, "had a way to manipulate" Were they the original creators of the Temple, the diadem, and the ring? And then simply forgotten to time until rediscovery? Good guess No, but they have a similar way of forming it. It will probably come into play in later books. 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: Pg 23, "herds" I like herds, as it gives a very specific idea in one's head. Although, out of curiosity, I Googled it, and apparently a group of spiders is called a cluster or clutter. Random thought: what do the spiders eat? The fruit? Each other? I didn't know that! Also, probably anything they want. 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: We have allies! With bumps and hurdles, yes, but allies! You're building up my hope, which is going to hurt if you dash it later in the finale. I will try not to! 12 hours ago, Snakenaps said: I hope the hyphen problem is affecting any other chapters Me too! 12 hours ago, Sarah B said: Feels like things are winding up! I have no idea how you are going to resolve things in only 5 more chapters but I am excited to see/read you do it. You have no idea how much nail-biting I'm doing in the background, hoping to stick the landing... 10 hours ago, kais said: Good progress here, and it's nice to see them drumming up support. It's a bridge chapter, but a necessary one, and generally I was very engaged. I always struggle with Ori chapters, but I did enjoy seeing my favorite pixie again. Looking forward to the end of the book! Cool! Glad it works. 10 hours ago, kais said: - pg 1: the epigraph makes me wonder once again how Earth fits into all this If I ever get around to it, I have an idea for a story long long in the past... 10 hours ago, kais said: - pg 2: wait, I just read the last chapter and I still don't know why/where of Ori's travels here Hmmm...Gathering allies for the big push. Looking back, I don't know how much I actually said this straight out. I'll add in a few lines. 10 hours ago, kais said: - pg 10: I loved that Ori knew not to touch L! This sentence though, is kind of patronizing. Delete maybe? Still, he seemed to want to help them, in his own way. <-- it's the 'in his own way' that troubles me Yep. I can see that. Will adjust. 10 hours ago, kais said: - pg 11: my, she acquiesces quickly She knows the worth of her advisor (and I guess he's technically her father too), but I take your point. Can add some more reticence. 10 hours ago, kais said: pg 13: built of long flat planks of a wood Ri was unfamiliar with <-- I feel personally betrayed that she does not have a wood anatomist on call to answer these questions Lol. Now I'll have to look up if I describe what species it is in Journey... 10 hours ago, kais said: - pg 16: they ride giant spiders? I'm with Ri. nopenopenope Ha. She's not a fan. 10 hours ago, kais said: - pg 20: ahhhh, now I remember why they are asking these particular species for aid. WINGS! WRS! Cool. Glad you got there. I'll add some more reminders in. 10 hours ago, kais said: - pg 24: in regards to the last line--wouldn't negotiations to join just be....an application? Why would the assembly keep them out? What purpose would that serve? This line doesn't have the punch I'd like because I don't understand why they wouldn't just be immediately accepted. This ties in to the end of Journey as well. The G weren't convinced they wanted to join, but the Assembly wanted to have them. A large organization pressuring a smaller one to join. I'll add in a couple more lines. Thanks all! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted May 27, 2020 Report Share Posted May 27, 2020 On 5/25/2020 at 8:14 AM, Mandamon said: Let me know if it works if you have or have not read the other material. I read the Five Hive. I only read the very last chapter of Journey. I believe the last chapter of Journey may have been my first week posting critiques in the forum. Having read Five Hive, I was able to really appreciate O's reunion with the hive. Not only was I excited to actually read from O's POV, but I felt some strong emotions in the scene. I felt like the hive mother was manipulating my emotions along with O's. Regarding the scene with the G: I had no problems with it. I was fascinated by it. The descriptions were beautiful and I liked the tension between Ri and the other magi with her, especially when one of them revealed the detail about the Elg being able to climb sooner than she wanted. It was amusing how she was complaining about P not being versed in negotiation even though zie actually seems to be doing a better job. I don't really feel like I am missing anything by not having read all of Journey. However, I think you have the bare minimum of hints between the version I read of book 2 and this version of book 3 to set up for this for someone who hasn't read Journey. The one thing that did leave me a little confused in that section though was the last line about negotiations not being as pleasant as the first time. I was almost under the impression the G didn't necessarily want or need to join, and I didn't get the impression that previous negotiations had been present based on the G we met in earlier scenes. As I read: "O..tried to keep..." Excited to be back in his POV. I don't think he's had a chapter in this book, and I don't remember much from his POV in 2 either. "...of the wall to cross." Does this mean their space spans multiple facets? Or are they talking about a different wall? "also seen the crystals hanging..." Maybe they have a Maji of the House of Matter. Also, thinking of the G possibly having house of matter, made me think of something I keep forgetting to comment on in the Re chapters. Am I correct to assume that at one point, the Sath... had a House of Time Maji? Perhaps the last one to exist in S's facet? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted May 27, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2020 Thanks @shatteredsmooth! 22 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: I read the Five Hive. I only read the very last chapter of Journey. I believe the last chapter of Journey may have been my first week posting critiques in the forum. Having read Five Hive, I was able to really appreciate O's reunion with the hive. Not only was I excited to actually read from O's POV, but I felt some strong emotions in the scene. I felt like the hive mother was manipulating my emotions along with O' Nice. I had some strong nostalgia just reading back through this, and I wrote Five Hive in February 2019! 23 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: It was amusing how she was complaining about P not being versed in negotiation even though zie actually seems to be doing a better job. Lol. I like to point out occasionally how R is not always as awesome as she thinks she is... 25 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: I don't really feel like I am missing anything by not having read all of Journey. However, I think you have the bare minimum of hints between the version I read of book 2 and this version of book 3 to set up for this for someone who hasn't read Journey. That's perfect. Hopefully it makes the ones who haven't read it want to! 26 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: The one thing that did leave me a little confused in that section though was the last line about negotiations not being as pleasant as the first time. I was almost under the impression the G didn't necessarily want or need to join, and I didn't get the impression that previous negotiations had been present based on the G we met in earlier scenes. Hmm...okay. I may need to give this a little more explanation. 26 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: Excited to be back in his POV. I don't think he's had a chapter in this book, and I don't remember much from his POV in 2 either This is his only POV in this, and I think also in Facets! 27 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: Does this mean their space spans multiple facets? Or are they talking about a different wall? It's on the opposite wall of this facet, along with Poler. 28 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: Maybe they have a Maji of the House of Matter. No, but this is the sort of stuff I want to get into in later books! 28 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said: Am I correct to assume that at one point, the Sath... had a House of Time Maji? Perhaps the last one to exist in S's facet? So, I don't really get into it, but the dreamer wasn't a majus at all. Everything he saw was caused by the voice, when it started to recently make inroad back to this reality. Thanks again! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted May 28, 2020 Report Share Posted May 28, 2020 Well, now. This chapter becomes freighted with particular significance for me after my reaction to the last one. Pre-crit comments I can cut-and-paste my thought on the last chapter in here, as I really don't think the plot has been moved on much at all, apart from the last couple of pages. But now, I really, really need to feel that the Dis is still relevant to the story, and the characters are not all busy planning their future families, what experiments they are going to do once they've mopped up the El, how they are going to develop the SoTH, and all these things that should not be in their minds when they should be fighting for their lives (IMO). (page 1) - "so little time" - And there it is, right up front in the first line of the epigraph; the sense of urgency that was, IMO, completely absent in the last chapter. - "five more species" - But there are more than five new species in the other facet, are there not? And the Gr make six? Seven? - "low pull of MH" - Ooh, that's interesting. What's going on here then? - "tinking" - What is this? Is it like clanking? (page 2) - "We ain’t gonna convince them any faster" - Okay, this is actually a comment on the previous Chapter, 19. There was no talk about Or and Kr and Gr coming to the P home world. There was no planning in the last chapter of how to defeat the enemy. This feels like a gaping hole to me, because the implication is strongly present that such a meeting took place, because In and En were discussing being asked to convince the Ar in the other facet to fight, IMO, as if that group meeting had already taken place. The thing is, I feel that the reader has earned the right to see that meeting. All the parties gathered around wringing their hands, how are we going to defeat the enemy, we must build a coalition, bring all the nations together to face this common foe. It's a scene that can have massive power and be a real cheering moments. It's the the House of Elrond, basically, and yet it's not there. I feel like its absence sticks out like a sore thumb. (page 5) - "soon escorted into a cavern deep underground" - Is this because it is underneath the plateau? I'm unclear on the blocking, and this feels really sudden to me, like there's a scene break, except there isn't. - "paused in front of the stool the mother perched on" - 'paused' sounds like they are not planning on staying, like pausing to look out a window before moving on. Also, there is no sense of arrival, no sense of the space they are in, IMO. This is a throne room, but it feels like they step right into it, with no description. This scene feels rushed to me. (page 9) - "They are tough creatures" - I feel that Or is massively underselling how dangerous the El are. They are bringing on the Dis, or accelerating it. The Council are dead, it's Armageddon! - "and start begging" - I just feel the pacing of the tension is off. He goes from not stressing or describing how bad things are to thinking about begging. I really believe the pacing of the stakes, the negotiation, would benefit from a review. - "We are not intending to throw them in front as fodder" - I think, in essaying a successfully negotiation, using the word fodder AT ALL, is a rather severe miscalculation. I don't think Or's message is clear. Surely he has had time to think it out better than this. Surely, there were a few minutes in the strategy meeting that we didn't get to see, when the fate of the Imp and the Assembly was discussed, to review how to approach each of the nations that I presume different envoys are being sent to gain aid from. It can be such a grand scene. I see Man rallying the troops, making a rousing speech: Spoiler Or, go to the hives and bring the Pi--they can be a great advantage with the power of flight and their tenacity. Ri (maybe? dunno) go to the highest reaches of the Ne and beseech the Gr to come to our aid. if we can at least rule the air, perhaps we can turn the tide. In and En, your task is the hardest, and perhaps the most important. The Ar owe us nothing, and have every right to hate us, but this threat will come to them in time (maybe, dunno). Please do what you can to convince them. - Dunno, that's a bit weak and thrown together, but I'm just try to stress my point about the potential power of the rallying scene, and what a sense of command it can give Man. (page 11) - "campaign advertisements" - What, are they in the primaries? - "were ready to come out of hiding" - Did they not just say that they have come out? They are advertising. (page 12) - "tracing the design of K’s leg joint" - LOL. - "He hadn’t thought he would get this chance" - I believe that Or should deny himself the chance, because he is so wracked with urgency to get back to Pol and plan the fight against the El. Surely, he does not have time a swan around catching up with folk. Stakes, urgency, closing chapters, more tension. (page 13) - "the ceiling of the N" - Yay! - I don't remember who Pan is. (page 14) - Love the Gr names. (page 16) - Why don't the Gr towns and cities have names? Or rather, why are the names not used in conversation? I can't remember. - There is a bit more urgency and dread about the encounters between Or and the Pi, and Ri and the Gr, but in both I would like more internal monologue about the desperation of the situation. BUT, the main issue for me is that the situation does not feel as desperate as I would like. Sure, the Imp is overrun with El, and they are eating at the wall, but I come back to my earlier point that I don't see any signs of the Imp, of the Net being destroyed. I would expect to see the harbingers of Dis now, the fabric crumbly, signs that the El succeeding, and that the end is nigh. (page 17) - "Predators hold sway there" - Did we see those in Journey? I don't remember the nature of the predators. (page 18) - [Car's description of the state of the Imp] - Going back to my comments on the last chapter, there is still an underlying tone in Car's words that these are temporary setbacks. That's all very well for one person to be confident that they can get through, but when everybody reacts to the Dis like it is a temporary setback, I fear that the reader will not consider it a real theat, and therefore not be especially fearful that anything bad is going to happen, ergo no real stakes, therefore much reduced emiotional impact/buy-in/resonance. - "truly sorry for your loss" - Another aspect of stakes being watered down was that Car's description of the situation was in terms that were not emotive. They did not say (but could have) that the Council had been destroyed, and the Assembly was scattered and depleted (for example), but rather they said people were 'out of post', a bit disorganised at the moment, in effect. (page 19) - "She travels beneath the W/S" - Novella!! (page 20) - "You should have told us this information earlier" - Fair point. Kind of rude to ask for help first without explaining the situation. - "to keep quiet" - Why has nobody discussed their negotiation tactics with their companions? It's crazy! I always think of Ri as an organised sort. And, this tends to hark back to my point about about the 'missing' call to action meeting. (page 22) - "We have heard what we need" - They have not heard very much. Would it be so hard to go through a portal and show them? Or, put it another way, would it be unreasonable for the Gr to ask to be taken through a portal to see (from a distance), and for Ri to explain why this is not possible, this building the threat by expelling how the El consume energy. I don't think this group has made an especially strong case. - "doubtful they would be able to put the skill to use anytime soon" - Again, the presumption that the world is not ending, that this will blow over in time (page 23) - Ri's thoughts on going to sleep hold nothing about the threat to the Imp, not really. There's no real concern that it's the end of days. Just a problem they will solve and move on with life as if it didn't happen. (page 24) - "a contingent of Gr" - vague. How many? In a situation, a discussion like this, I would expect there to be talk of numbers. 'How many troops can you send?' Ri needs to know this in order for Man to form a plan for their deployment. I appreciate you might not plan to go into that detail, but it would be good to know if we're talking about 10, 100, 1000? That way, Ri can react to it, which she doesn't here. ONCE AGAIN, she presumes that this is not the end, and that it's a matter of time before everything is back to normal. The Gr leader makes the same assumption. Every single character assumes this will pass. OVERALL I can be brief. The shape of the chapter is spot on, emissaries going out to bring aid back to the fight. My problem remains the same as the previous chapters. The stakes of the story are gone, disappeared, and every person with a voice thinks and talks about what happens after it's all sorted. In my mind, the threat of the Dis and the El has become irrelevant, and I'm coasting towards the end of the book and the inevitable freeing of the Imp, and banishment of the El. I have no worries now. The tension is gone, and I'm just reading to see how they win. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted May 28, 2020 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2020 Thanks @Robinski! 7 hours ago, Robinski said: - "so little time" - And there it is, right up front in the first line of the epigraph; the sense of urgency that was, IMO, completely absent in the last chapter. Well, seems I've started off right at least, just need to continue this thinking. 7 hours ago, Robinski said: "five more species" - But there are more than five new species in the other facet, are there not? And the Gr make six? Seven? Four completely new species in the other facet, the Ari, and the Gr. So I was counting 5 "new" though maybe I should through the Ari in there as well. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "low pull of MH" - Ooh, that's interesting. What's going on here then? Just a lower gravity world. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "We ain’t gonna convince them any faster" - Okay, this is actually a comment on the previous Chapter, 19. There was no talk about Or and Kr and Gr coming to the P home world. ... It's a scene that can have massive power and be a real cheering moments. It's the the House of Elrond, basically, and yet it's not there. I feel like its absence sticks out like a sore thumb. Check. I think I made a mention of it, but then never actually wrote the scene. This is something that should be back in chapter 16 as a statement of "here's what we're doing next." similar to what you wrote out. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "They are tough creatures" - I feel that Or is massively underselling how dangerous the El are. Can increase the tension through here. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "We are not intending to throw them in front as fodder" - I think, in essaying a successfully negotiation, using the word fodder AT ALL, is a rather severe miscalculation. Ha! Fair point. I mean, O is not the best negotiator, but I'll see if I can make this work better. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "campaign advertisements" - What, are they in the primaries? - "were ready to come out of hiding" - Did they not just say that they have come out? They are advertising. I'll mess with this. I envisioned P. politics as basically propaganda against another hive, getting the other members close enough to come under the sway of a different hive queen. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - I don't remember who Pan is. Mentioned way back in ch 7! I probably need a reminder. He's also in Journey. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: I come back to my earlier point that I don't see any signs of the Imp, of the Net being destroyed. I would expect to see the harbingers of Dis now, the fabric crumbly, signs that the El succeeding, and that the end is nigh. Yep. I can put some more in about this. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "Predators hold sway there" - Did we see those in Journey? I don't remember the nature of the predators. Nope. This is new. Basically the wilds of the forest at the top of the N, stretching all the way across. I didn't really touch this. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: Going back to my comments on the last chapter, there is still an underlying tone in Car's words that these are temporary setbacks. Also check. Will increase tension. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "She travels beneath the W/S" - Novella!! Yep! Planning for the future. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "We have heard what we need" - They have not heard very much. Would it be so hard to go through a portal and show them? Or, put it another way, would it be unreasonable for the Gr to ask to be taken through a portal to see (from a distance), and for Ri to explain why this is not possible, this building the threat by expelling how the El consume energy. I don't think this group has made an especially strong case. Interesting. I might able to fit this in. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: - "a contingent of Gr" - vague. How many? In a situation, a discussion like this, I would expect there to be talk of numbers. 'How many troops can you send?' Ri needs to know this in order for Man to form a plan for their deployment. I appreciate you might not plan to go into that detail, but it would be good to know if we're talking about 10, 100, 1000? Yep. Specificity. 8 hours ago, Robinski said: The shape of the chapter is spot on, emissaries going out to bring aid back to the fight. My problem remains the same as the previous chapters. The stakes of the story are gone, disappeared, and every person with a voice thinks and talks about what happens after it's all sorted. Well, that's less of a problem than I expected. I'll go through an add in more emotion about how everything is getting overrun. Thanks again! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted May 28, 2020 Report Share Posted May 28, 2020 2 hours ago, Mandamon said: seems I've started off right at least Sorry! I know I'm a pain in the derrière. I (very) easily get (very) worked up about stories. You should hear me shouting at the TV (once it's paused)! 2 hours ago, Mandamon said: Four completely new species in the other facet Huh. It must have been all the wonder! I felt like everywhere S looked there was another strange and wonderful creature. Nice job on that 2 hours ago, Mandamon said: here's what we're doing next Having that plan in mind during the 'resting chapter (19) would help a ton with my problems, basically would solve them all (if they are considered to be problems), in conjunction with the thread of 'if we get through this. 2 hours ago, Mandamon said: O is not the best negotiator, but I'll see if I can make this work better. It would be very Or (and very funny) if he were to say what he says about fodder, then thinks 'Oops, maybe I should be having to have said that. Ri will pluck out my tail feathers.' Although maybe that's not an appropriate laugh point. 3 hours ago, Mandamon said: He's also in Journey. Right, right. As soon as I typed (and posted) that I was thinking 'the name does sound familiar, though'. 3 hours ago, Mandamon said: 11 hours ago, Robinski said: - "She travels beneath the W/S" - Novella!! Yep! Planning for the future. I am front a centre for a under the sea adventure of discovery. 3 hours ago, Mandamon said: I'll go through an add in more emotion Which I know you always do in later drafts anyway, but obviously my 'job' is to bellyache about it in the here-and-now 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.