shatteredsmooth

May 18_Shatteredsmooth_Book of Mel_Ch.4/Sub 5_( 4969 words)(LV)

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Content Warnings for mild language and violence
 
Hi All!
 
We finally get some Demon hunting action in this chapter.
 
It chapter was originally much longer, but I trimmed over 2,000 words, mostly from the begining. Are there places where things seem to rushed or sparse? Other areas that could be trimmed?
 
I'm not sure sure if I really set up for this enough, so I am planning to drop a few hints in Ch. 3's rooftop conversation. I'm open to suggestions. 
 
Other than that, I don't have any specific questions. I'm open to whatever feedback you have, but don't stress too much about the grammatical stuff unless everything else about it really good (which probably isn't the case since it's an early draft).
 
Thank you!!
 
Recap
 
Ch. 1
The night before classes start, M saves a guy from a Demon. Next day, she meets a cute girl in class and realizes guy-she-saved is the TA (Mi). 
 
Ch. 2 (revised)
 M follows Mi, chats with him, reads his mind to find out he doesn't recognize her and talks to him way more than she planed. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate, A, and the girl she met in class, T.
 
Ch. 3 (last time -- revision in progress)
M meets Mi on a rooftop. T has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm. M and T almost kiss. M heals T's arm, but messes up and uses too much energy.  M flees to her room, but A has company. 
 
Ch. 4 (this time)
M has big plans to go to a masquerade but Grandpa calls. He needs her help hunting Demons. And Mi's ghost hunter friends are missing.
 
Ch. 5 (Next time): Exhaustion. Cuddling. Pizza. M cannot control her telepathy. Something tries to murder Mi. 
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Comments :) 

(page 1)

- The opening is... I'm not sure. It feels muddled. How did M get back home? And why did she go when she only just started classes? Is this WRS on my part, or has a block of time happened? If so, I'd like more of a cue at the start.

- The bit about her father being that Michael is the first bit that really catches my attention.

- Who is the third person?

- Okay, we get the time passing half way down the page. That's fine, I think, if the first part was tighter. I've seen that done plenty, where the 'reveal' of time passing comes after the reader has been off balance for a few paragraphs.

- We're in tight M POV, I really don't think the narrative should think of her mother by her Christian name. I know zero children who call their parents by their names.

(page 2)

- "gold star in the middle of the chest" - IMO. Oh, and :D.

- "stash knives" - how do you do this on a skintight suit?

- "feeling she wasn’t going to the masquerade after all" - Is the ball tomorrow? WRS, I forget.

- I don't know grandpa's role in the story/world. Who is he? What does he do?

(page 3)

- "they got lost and fell down a ravine or something" - ROFL: stupid backpackers, leave them to it :lol: 

- "he liked to hunt in groups" - so, pairs then?

- "A few hikers disappeared this week" - Is he implying it's the investigators? Unclear, IMO.

(page 4)

- "before she really started crying" - I'm mad as all heck that she doesn't get to go to the masquerade, but this was an effective scene, once I got past the start. It's totally appropriate, I feel, for her to have this disappointment. Actually, it kind of mirrors the treatment of superheroes in many of their storylines, where they have to make a personal / social sacrifice for the great good. I kind of enjoyed that echo here, given what her costume is.

- Also, I am interested. I guess you steered clear of calling out Captain M****l, was that for rights issues? I seem to recall we had a short discussion on this when I used the Fan****ic F**r in TCC.

(page 5)

- "she was over 200" - Meh. No numerals, please. I don't believe you will find a numeral like this in a professionally edited work.

(page 6)

- "if she could learn it" - Nice thought, and effective description of the place, and how it feels to be there.

- I don't know what JV is.

(page 8)

- If it wasn't for the connection with Mi, this hunt would feel like a sidetrack, I think, but I like how you've tied it back to Mi and his working with the group. I feel much more invested in the trip that way.

- I don't think grandpa should ask a question at the end of a section, because it feels open, just hanging, unanswered. Better for it to be a statement, IMO.

(page 9)

- When did Me get up on the boulder?

- Decent fight scene on this page, I think. I'm not doing LBLs as requested, but it was hard to read that scene because there were so many typos. I think it's good.

(page 10)

- "the battle below her" - I've got a warped sense of blocking and no real details. I don't recall her going up on the boulder.

- What hill? Where did the hill come from?

(page 11)

- Wait, what? Was it Ma who shouted in Latin? I presume so. If she could do that and banish the demons, why in the name of heck did she not do that at the beginning of the fight?! Oh, is it because they were dead? What about the third demon? Also, I think it happens too quickly. No sooner has Me struck the killing blow than the remains are gone. The pressure is off, so they can take a break before Ma tidies up, can they not?

- "J's bones screamed." - This is a nice detail. Did it happen back when she was healing Mi? I don't remember, but I don't recall it sticking out as a neat detail, the wounds calling to her in this way, demanding to be healed. It's more compelling than a simply matter of conscience.

(page 12)

- "A breeze rustled her hair" - I could have done numerous word choices, but this one in particular stuck out for me. A 'rustle' is a noise, which makes that some weird hair she has there.

(page 13)

- Neat ending to the chapter. A nice moment.

OVERALL 

I enjoyed this chapter more than I thought is was going to. I found the opening a bit disorienting because of the shift in location, which is only explained after half and page. Maybe it was WRS, but I don't recall her talking about going home in the previous chapter.

The thing that holds this chapter together, IMO, is the fact that these are the hunters that Mi equipped. I think the more than link comes into this chapter, the more it will feel like part of the overall story, and not a sidetrack with no real purpose other then to show some demon hunting and inject some action after a fair bit of socialising.

They fight itself was pretty good. I like the range of weapons in use, but I could have done with just a bit more depth to the other characters. J was okay, but the other two felt a bit flimsy to me, Grandpa the most flimsy. The demons get a decent description, but it could be stronger, and I never felt that anyone was in any real danger. The fight is over with relative few strikes against our hunters, and the wounds felt quite matter of fact to me, as if they were only incurred to allow Me to heal them.

I think the fight needs a numbers of edits to work in what I would consider the right way. Maybe some banter between the hunters, an indication of how the demons are acting with strategy, to make them more dangerous. I think the fight needs to have a story to it where the risk level varies, there is give and take, maybe the goodies start well, then suffer a reverse, two reverse, it looks like they might lose then someone pulls out some clever stuff. I can see that the components are there, but I'm not sure that it's singing, yet.

Really do like the ending though. I like that we see that to underline the background that we've had for Me, which the whole chapter does, to some extent.

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Overall, pretty good, and as usual, I agree with @Robinski on most points. I also thought the beginning was a little rushed, and I would have liked more description of the masquerade she wasn't going to, so it would resonate a bit more. Also some confusion on which side grandpa is on. Is he the archangel's father, somehow?

The fight is good, but a little choppy. The monsters are described as extremely hard to kill, but the four seem to do fine. I do like Robinski's suggestion to add a little more story to the fight.

Interested to see how this affects the main plot and whether Mi's friends are toast.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: I didn't get that Me was at home until her mother started speaking.

pg 1: "the Archangel"
--Is Me's father literally this archangel? I don't think we knew this yet. Also, why does that factor in to her mother guessing his name? Do all Michael's share some connection to the archangel or something?

pg 1: "Ok, maybe three.”
--yeah, I've been feeling more chemistry between Me and A than with T.

pg 1: Did we know mom was waking a costume? Also is this a cosplay costume or an actual vigilante costume?

pg 2: Why does she need knives for Mi?

pg 2: "Something had probably just reminded him of one of his secrets"
--not sure how this connects to things. Does Mi have trouble remembering his own secrets?

pg 2: "masquerade"
--aha. I must have forgot about this.

pg 3: “A few hikers disappeared this week.”
--so does he think this is his friends, or is he using this as an example? I think you've got all the pieces in here, but all the plot points aren't quite connecting, like there need to be a few more sentences in between.

pg 4: "beyond disappointed about missing the masquerade"
--We're told this happens, but there aren't any emotional attachments to it in place. Is Me looking forward to something in particular? Did they coordinate costumes? What is she missing?

pg 4: "I want to talk about school, and my high school principal is walking two feet in front of me"
--J is not very subtle, is he?

pg 5: "True, but some good came out of just planning to go.” 
--to the party? On the rescue mission?

pg 5: "He almost never talked about his son’s death"

--wait, so is his son the archangel? How does one have an archangel for a son anyway? if not, then he'd be Me's mother's father, in which case why is he talking about his son instead of his daughter?

pg 5: "gave a very abridged narrative of what her plans had been"
--I actually want to know. I have a feeling it would add some good tension in the love triangle/square. Maybe before this chapter?

pg 6: "But isn’t that the whole point of college? He thought, only half-sarcastic."
--LOl

pg 7: "It’s your boyfriends missing ghost hunters!!"
--I sort of assumed that.

pg 7: "panting like a golden retriever on a summer day"
--that's a rather specific metaphor.

pg 7: there's some repetition in the description of the camp.

pg 8: "She smiled, picturing Mi up on the roof, all alone."
--Would she smile about this, since he was sad she couldn't join him?

Pg 9/10: The fight scene's good, but could be tightened up.

pg 11: "First, she directed energy to his stomach and liver"
--I don't know if we need to hear exactly how she healed him. We know she can do it.

pg 12: Hmmm...dad's pretty much literally a Deus ex Machina...

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Posted (edited)

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- The opening is... I'm not sure. It feels muddled. How did M get back home? And why did she go when she only just started classes? Is this WRS on my part, or has a block of time happened? If so, I'd like more of a cue at the start.

 

 

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

pg 1: I didn't get that Me was at home until her mother started speaking.

 

This probably has something to do with the near 2000 words I chopped out of the begining... I probably don't need to put all of them back, but I'm sure there is something I can use to make the begining smoother. 

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "feeling she wasn’t going to the masquerade after all" - Is the ball tomorrow? WRS, I forget.

 

 

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

pg 1: Did we know mom was waking a costume? Also is this a cosplay costume or an actual vigilante costume?

 

This was kind of rushed at the end of Ch. 3, where she was talking to the girls about how her mom was really into cosplay until the mom's brother / Mel's uncle died and had hardly touched her cosplay stuff since. Ml had texted her Mom asking if she would make a costume. I'll work on that scene so it flows a little better into this one.

 

 

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

--Is Me's father literally this archangel? I don't think we knew this yet. Also, why does that factor in to her mother guessing his name? Do all Michael's share some connection to the archangel or something?

 

Readers do not know this yet. Even people who read Power Surge wouldn't. He doesn't show until book 2 in that series. And now I'm laughing because even though him and M have a more or less decent relationship, E doesn't like him and calls him the arch <a word the forum won't let me type> hat. In Power Inversion, not this book. 

The Michael's don't share a connection. I just think its funny that likes a dude with the same name as her dad. I'm trying to figure out a way to make a joke about it.

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "Something had probably just reminded him of one of his secrets"
--not sure how this connects to things. Does Mi have trouble remembering his own secrets?

Tries to pretend they don't exist or tries very hard not think about them. I'll clarify. 

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

"J's bones screamed." - This is a nice detail. Did it happen back when she was healing Mi?

Yes, I believe you commented on it saying it was confusing or something. I think it had been a little rushed.  LOL

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

Maybe some banter between the hunters, an indication of how the demons are acting with strategy, to make them more dangerous. I think the fight needs to have a story to it where the risk level varies, there is give and take, maybe the goodies start well, then suffer a reverse, two reverse, it looks like they might lose then someone pulls out some clever stuff.

Sounds good! 

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "He almost never talked about his son’s death"

--wait, so is his son the archangel? How does one have an archangel for a son anyway? if not, then he'd be Me's mother's father, in which case why is he talking about his son instead of his daughter?

This is her maternal grandfather, the same one that is in Power Surge. I should be able to clarify with a few sentences. 

The dead son was M's mom's twin brother (M's uncle). He was briefly mentioned in Ch. 3, and there was a little bit about him I added to Chapter 2 after I revised. 

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

pg 12: Hmmm...dad's pretty much literally a Deus ex Machina...

Yes, but I'm okay with that. M realizing she would've died if he hadn't showed up is has an impact on her arc in the next few chapters.

 

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- Also, I am interested. I guess you steered clear of calling out Captain M****l, was that for rights issues? I seem to recall we had a short discussion on this when I used the Fan****ic F**r in TCC.

 

I don't fully remember that conversation, but yeah. I feel like a handful of references are oaky, but I was worried I might have a little more than I get away with regarding the costume, especially where M's mom likes to coordinate the costumes with some trait or power the person has.

I'm on the fence about this.

 

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

--J is not very subtle, is he?

 

Nope. Not at all. :lol:

1 hour ago, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "True, but some good came out of just planning to go.” 
--to the party? On the rescue mission?

Getting M's mom to take out her cosplay stuff and make M the costume. This might have been glossed over too much at the end of three, and then cut too much from the begining of this chapter.

 

Thank you @Mandamon and @Robinski

I held off on revising three based on last weeks feedback because I wanted to see how people reacted to this one and figure out what I needed to add to three to better set up for this. You gave me some ideas. :-) 

 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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18 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I believe you commented on it saying it was confusing or something.

:lol:  That does sound like me. I liked it here!!

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P1 - so her dad's an archangel. That's really cool.

P2 - I feel like I'd like to hear her conversation with her grandfather.

P4 - grandmpa...nun?!?!

P5 - "in a long time" - now I'm really confused as to her families genealogy. 

P7 - I try not to do a real line edit, but "but the most unsettling part, though, lay"

P8 - the paragraph about telepathy seems shoehorned in here.

P8 - shoot me down if you'd like, but can you come up with something cooler than hybrid, or ignore the parts, and call them only a hybrid, as in a race.

P8 - does she need sleep at all?

P11 - I don't feel the emotion I'd expect her to feel when preventing her grandfather from dying.

P11 - "Evanstar" - nice reference

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 hours ago, Turin Turambar said:

P4 - grandmpa...nun?!?!

Yes, I ROFL'd at that too, but presumed it was a typo.

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Overall

I enjoyed the fight scene though it had some typos and blocking issues. I think it gave us more about M's character than we have yet had. The bits leading up to it seemed emotionally rushed, and the ending, for me, felt sort of...off. What was the arc of this chapter? What was its purpose? I assume it links to the demons Mi is chasing, and they get killed, but I don't know enough or care enough about demons and humanity in this story yet to be thrilled for that. The demons didn't threaten any characters I knew. I'd have been more fulfilled at the end if she learned something that tied the campsite back to Mi, like she found his pack there, or something along those lines. Something to show the place of this beat in the narrative arc. Right now it seems like it could all be summarized as a 'the night before she'd gone demon hunting and killed a few in the woods,' since it doesn't seem to tie in directly to the forward motion of the plot.

On 5/19/2020 at 9:39 AM, Robinski said:

IMO, is the fact that these are the hunters that Mi equipped. I think the more than link comes into this chapter, the more it will feel like part of the overall story, and not a sidetrack with no real purpose other then to show some demon hunting and inject some action after a fair bit of socialising.

Mi equipped them? I missed that. I agree with @Robinski though that the more you link this to Mi, the less it is a demon hunting side quest and the more it progresses the plot.

As I go

- pg 1: it'd be really interesting to see M have some feelings about dating a human with an angel name, especially her father's name

- pg 2: so this is another place where we could see her react to the girls' attention, but she is 100% on about Mi. Which is fine, but doesn't help the love triangle aspect

- pg 4: he's her grandfather and a nun? I have questions which involve a) sex and b.) gendered use of the word 'nun'

- pg 4: I'm not getting as much out of her convo with Mi as I should, I think, because I don't have a solid enough grounding in his character. I'd also like to see more emotions from M before the crying. The crying is good! But he is opening up to her and she wants to talk to him and I want to feel that want!

- pg 5: grandpa does not sound sorry at all

- pg 7: I'm not feeling a whole lot of tension in regards to the demons and this hunt. It seems mostly sad, since M is missing the costume thing. I with the tone of this book, I think I'd rather go to the costume thing!

- pg 8: If they summoned a demon, the group is going to care more about tracking down the demon, yes? Like this just changed from missing person hunt to demon hunt? I lack empathy for people who purposefully summon demons

- pg 11: I did enjoy the part about her uncontrolled healing! Grandpa is fun here

 

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The usual disclaimer: did not read previous comments.

Thoughts as I go!

Pg 1, " it just wasn’t as satisfying as eating fourteen slices back to back" I don't wish for this stomach on a normal basis (those food bills!) but I WISH I could do this when I wanted to. 

Pg 1, "He’s a Mi, isn’t he" It sounds like this name is cursed, and not just by Dad. Or maybe just by Dad. Wait...is Dad the archangel Mi???? Probably not...I've just been reading a lot about religion lately for a story idea...

Pg 1, " M’s father was very different from the version of him portrayed in statues" Wait, hold the phone, is Dad an archangel???? This girl has lineage.

Pg 1, "I’ve never felt this way about one person, let alone two people." This just may be me, but I have felt more chemistry between M and Mi than M and T. I have definitely seen the lust on T's side, but I feel like I haven't seen that interest on M's side. 

Pg 2, "the weapons room" Ah, yes, the weapons room. Every house has one. Doesn't yours?

Pg 2, " red and blue, with a gold star in the middle," Captain Marvel! 

Pg 2, "The replies were quick." At first I thought that she texted them all as a group, but realized after reading replies it was probably to each of them individually, or A and T as a group.

Pg 3, "with a sinking feeling she wasn’t going to the masquerade after all." I have no clue who Grandpa is, but he immediately strikes me as a General sort of fellow. 

Pg 3, “I’ll be there” I do wonder where we are going. I assume monster hunting is the activity of choice.

Pg 3, "It’s complicated." Buddy boy is going to end up being one of the lost backpackers of something. Although lost backpackers can't text. My point is, Mi is going to get himself into trouble like a kid who sticks a fork into an electrical socket after being told not to. 

Pg 4, "They had been going up to some place" I revise my last statement. It isn't Mi who's a lost backpacker. It's his friends. Genius. 

Pg 4, "A few hikers disappeared this week.” Scratch that, looks like I'm wrong.

Pg 4, " an really old Elf-hybrid nun" I never knew I needed this. I want to get to know this nun.

Pg 4, " In BSP, the air felt so clean" Googled location. Absolutely stunning. I wish I could visit there!

Pg 4, " Grandpa’s apprentice," I'm going to guess he isn't human because his name is in a completely different font. 

Pg 4, "J was human" I was wrong. Font is probably because of the "é" now that I think about it.

Pg 5, "said Grandpa." As I haven't read any of the connected books (which I would like to do once I get the cash), I don't know Grandpa. If he being sincere? Is he the type to pretend to be sincere? He doesn't seem to be all business like I first thought. I'm trying to get a good read on his character but struggling. 

Pg 7, " Demons were drawn to her energy like moths to a flame." Because of the Angel blood, or because of something I don't know about?

Pg 7, " It’s your boyfriends missing ghost hunters!!" Okay, so it is his friends!

Pg 8, "panting like a golden retriever" I love golden retrievers!

Pg 8, " A burned down candle stood in each one, and a circle of blood" These idiots actually summoned a Demon, didn't they...

Pg 8, "These morons must have summed a Demon." Yuuuuuup. I like Nun Lady. She is not a stereotypical nun. Granted, I have also never known a nun before.

Pg 8, "what is drawn to our flame." Both the fire, and M.

Pg 9, "She was almost certain he’d be there tonight." This sentence makes me almost positive he isn't.

Pg 9, " three demons" One for each triangular stone?

Pg 9, "They chopped up their victims and ate them." RIP Mi's friends.

Pg 10, "the wound closed in the demon's forehead" That is bad

Pg 11, "healing the concussion she’d just gotten" Handy!

Pg 11, "back to the rest of the bone while she was out," This whole "breaking the body and then magically healing it" reminds me of a potent episode of Steven Universe Future. Her body might heal from all of this damage, but what is it like mentally being broken over and over again physically? What about constantly saving her friends and family from wounds? What does that do to a person, knowing sometimes you're the only thing standing between them and death...?

Pg 12, "falling forward as sweet darkness swallowed her." Hey man, what happened to not dying from over-healing people.

Pg 13, "He was sitting cross-legged on the summit of a mountain" This girl just landed herself in either Heaven or Purgatory or just Not Earth, didn't she...

Pg 13, "Light bulbs burn out" I am reminded of one of my favorite sayings I stole from the Internet: Don't light yourself on fire to keep other people warm. M doesn't just light herself on fire, she pours gasoline on herself first and then gets the biggest box of matches she can. 

I struggled to put what I felt about this chapter, so I went back and read previous comments. I find myself agreeing with @Robinski's overall thoughts. I'd really like to get to know Grandpa better - he seems to hold a lot of weight importance wise - and Sister Elf (Ma looks weird to me, because I think of "mother" not "demon hunting nun"). The idea of an Elf hybrid nun hunting down demons intrigues me. Does holy water and rosaries work on demons? Is she, like, their supplier??? I am incredibly intrigued at what happened at the end, but admit I am disappointed about the lack of masquerade. However, I would therefore argue that it is well-written, because that means I am echoing M's disappointment. 

I want to know how M is going to get back...or if she just starts haunting everyone as a telepathic, healing ghost.  

 

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Posted (edited)

2 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 1, "I’ve never felt this way about one person, let alone two people." This just may be me, but I have felt more chemistry between M and Mi than M and T. I have definitely seen the lust on T's side, but I feel like I haven't seen that interest on M's side. 

 

There seemed to be a consensus about this in the other's feedback from the first three chapters. As I revise them, I'm trying to up the interest on M's side.

2 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 5, "said Grandpa." As I haven't read any of the connected books (which I would like to do once I get the cash), I don't know Grandpa. If he being sincere? Is he the type to pretend to be sincere? He doesn't seem to be all business like I first thought. I'm trying to get a good read on his character but struggling. 

 

I'll work on getting more of his character on the page. He puts up a tough front but is a lot softer than he appears. I'm also used to writing him through M's cousin's POV, and the cousin has a pretty different relationship with him. Once I get a better handle on how he looks from 18- y/o M's eyes, I think I'll be able to do write him better. 

I appreciate these kinds of comments about what you don't know from the connected books, because they will help me make this one stand alone better.

2 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

What about constantly saving her friends and family from wounds? What does that do to a person, knowing sometimes you're the only thing standing between them and death...?

When I'm working on this, especially on the lighter scenes, I get these random bursts of guilt about M when I think about her in this book versus how she is in the connected books that are set four years later and all the stuff that happens off page between them. It does take a toll on her. 

If you do read the connected books at some point, know they are a lot darker . 

2 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

but admit I am disappointed about the lack of masquerade.

Thankfully, there is similar event later in the book, which M does get to go to. 

Thank you @Snakenaps

These comments are very helpful. 

20 hours ago, kais said:

Mi equipped them? I missed that. I agree with @Robinski though that the more you link this to Mi, the less it is a demon hunting side quest and the more it progresses the plot.

 

I will definitely do this when I go back and revise. It seems pretty unanimous that it is necessary. 

20 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 4: I'm not getting as much out of her convo with Mi as I should, I think, because I don't have a solid enough grounding in his character. I'd also like to see more emotions from M before the crying. The crying is good! But he is opening up to her and she wants to talk to him and I want to feel that want!

Do you think I should write out the conversation? Phone dialogue can be hard to write because the mc can't see the other person, but it might allow for more development of his character and set up to tie everything back to him. 

Also, I'm hoping the revisions I made / am making to the first three chapters give readers a better grounding. 

20 hours ago, kais said:

- pg 4: he's her grandfather and a nun? I have questions which involve a) sex and b.) gendered use of the word 'nun'

 

I think this was a typo. @robinski and @TurinTurambar also mentioned it.

On 5/19/2020 at 9:28 PM, Turin Turambar said:

P2 - I feel like I'd like to hear her conversation with her grandfather.

 

I could include it. 

After reading a lot of the comments, I think maybe I left too much out in an attempt to make this fit into one chapter short enough to submit. 

On 5/19/2020 at 9:28 PM, Turin Turambar said:

P8 - does she need sleep at all?

 

I'll add a line to clarify that everyone was taking shifts keeping watch. Hers is almost over. 

Depending on her energy levels, sometime she can go a little longer without sleep than a human, but when her energy gets depleted, she sleeps a lot. 

 

Thank you everyone for the comments! 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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I enjoyed the diverse demon hunters. And I anticipate Mi being a damsel in distress :lol: cuz hes just not leaving this alone.

 

Is M going to be in a love triangle with Mi and one or both girls? I was under the impression that was what was going to happen. However, I feel I am being queer-baited. Besides Ms message to her friends, there are no sexual attraction between the females. And she spends most of the chapter thinking only of Mi. I get it, its HIS friends that are in trouble, but she doesnt have any desires/thoughts about spending time with A or T beyond missing the party. 

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Posted (edited)

4 hours ago, CherishLarain said:

I enjoyed the diverse demon hunters. And I anticipate Mi being a damsel in distress :lol: cuz hes just not leaving this alone.

 

Yay! 

4 hours ago, CherishLarain said:

Is M going to be in a love triangle with Mi and one or both girls?

That is what happens in my head. I just am failing to show it on the page. I will definitely try to show it more in revision.

4 hours ago, CherishLarain said:

However, I feel I am being queer-baited

Mi and M are both bi or pan and ace-spec. Even if it was just them and no triangle, it's still queer. Bi people don't always end up in same-sex relationships and it doesn't make them and their stories less queer.

 

 

This is my first time attempting to write a love triangle, so I truely appreciate how you and the others are pointing out where M is not showing enough interest in the girls. As I revise, I am working on showing M show more romantic interest in the girls too.

I am going to try and read more books with love triangles too. I think that well help. I've only read a handful because I've read too many tragic ones where they are resolved by people dying... Let me know if you have any recs for love triangle stories where no one dies. 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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@shatteredsmooth I can provide some pointers, but most of these I read as a teenager like 10-13 years ago, so I dont remember too much and they are YAs. Also, since they are dated, they have limited or no lgbtqa+ representation. Also, is this a Romance-supernatural book or a Supernatural-romance book? Cuz that affects how deep we should explore M's sexuality/relationships.

Did you plan on making this a series? If so, I think this could work. If not then unfortuantely, most of the love triangles I read/think of are duologies or trilogies. The formula I remember was:

The first book builds the main relationship the second book focuses on the second relationship and third book is the choice. (Think Twilight, The Slection, To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Hunger Games). 

I think I have read some where there is a relationship is already established and then a new guy comes along for a stand alone book, but I cant think of any with supernatural events. They are books similar to some books by Sarah Dessen.

Otherwise, I think the Mortal Instraments sets up 2 potential romances in book 1 (its been awhile and I DNFd that book so not 100%).

Otherwise, from my own interactions with my lgbtqa+ friends, (the bi's and demi's) a lot of them talk about arguing with themselves on why or how much they like someone. Like they play it down in their mind. Like " no I am not attractted to this person, I just think hes cool, but also, I get tingles when we touch." So maybe having M questioning her feelings more might add soemthing to her I could connect with? Because she said shes not sure WHAT she is (which means she the Q=questioning). And if she hasnt been in relationships before, she probably has a reason which means that she most likely is aware of who makes her feel what or in an some Aces cases: that while there is an emotional attraction there is no sexual attraction. You might need to read more lgbtqa+ romances too.

 

I hope this helps? Its based off of what I read and experienced so its probably not the best reccomendations. 

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@CherishLarain That does help! Thank you! 

I wasn't planning on making this book into a series, and now that I'm thinking about it, I can only recall one standalone I read recently that had a love triangle. It was The Ninth Life by Taylor B. Barton. You're right that most are series. 

8 hours ago, CherishLarain said:

Otherwise, I think the Mortal Instraments sets up 2 potential romances in book 1 (its been awhile and I DNFd that book so not 100%).

 

 I don't remember if that had a full triangle that ever played out and I read the whole series when it was new. 

8 hours ago, CherishLarain said:

Also, is this a Romance-supernatural book or a Supernatural-romance book? Cuz that affects how deep we should explore M's sexuality/relationships.

I'm attempting Romance-supernatural, which is new for me. But if it doesn't work I'm flipping it. 

Most of my books either don't have romance at all or have friends to lovers subplots, so making romance the A plot is a big switch. 

 

8 hours ago, CherishLarain said:

So maybe having M questioning her feelings more might add soemthing to her I could connect with?

This is a great idea. I have something like that in the next chapter, but it's probably too little too late. Maybe it should be something that starts in Ch. 2 or 3. 

I notice in a lot of new queer YA, there are moments when the narrative almost seems to slow down for the characters to talk and/or think about their identities, but I can't recall it in adult. It might be good if I just treat this like YA in that regard since the mc is young and questioning. Plus, with the mc being a college freshmen, this is closer to YA than adult anyway. 

Thank you! 

 

 

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