shatteredsmooth

Book of Mel_May12 2020_(Chapter 3 / Sub 4) (5755 words) (LSN)

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Posted (edited)

Content Warnings: Mild language, some witnessed nudity / sexual content (AKA the mc walks in on her roommate in bed with a girl)
 
Hi Everyone,
 
Sorry this was late! It's over the word count, and I was trying to trim it, but I ended up making it longer. :-(
 
As usual, I'm more focused on content than grammar. Please don't put too much time into line edits because more often than not, the content feedback prompts me to delete things. I feel guilty deleting things when people (myself included) have put time and effort into correcting grammar. 
 
What I am more interested in is:
Does the plot move forward enough? This chapter is still a little on the quiet side. Ch. 4 has more things going wrong and more action. 
 
Are there feelings? Does M seem to connect with both potential love interests on some level? 
 
Where does my logic cease to make sense? 
 
Okay, there is one line level thing I would like feedback on. I tried to describe a lot of facial expressions in this section to convey emotion because M isn't reading Mi's mind. I am bad with facial expressions in real life, so I am bad at writing them. 
 
Any other suggestions you have are welcome!
 
Thanks!
 
Recap / Changes
 
Ch. 1
M, Angel-Elf-Human hybrid is nervous about her first day of class, so she goes out for a jog and ends up saving some random guy from a Demon. The next day Mel's hung over from healing the guy. She meets a girl, T, and then realizes guy-she-saved is the TA for one of her classes. 
 
Ch. 2 (last time -- revised)
Wanting to know if Mi recognizes her, M follows him and strikes up a conversation. M tries to stop reading his mind when she realizes he doesn't remember enough from the previous night to recognize her, but she is having trouble controlling her telepathy. Later, she goes to a LGBTQIA mixer with her roommate and the girl she met in class.
 
Ch. 3 (this time)
M meets Mi on a rooftop. T has a skateboarding accident and breaks her arm.
Edited by shatteredsmooth
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Overall

I felt like there were a lot of inconsistencies in M's objectives and attractions in this chapter. It is very clear the guy is the target, so why have the girls at all if M isn't interested? Also, I'd like a bit more on why she is basically stalking the guy. Is she just bored? 

Your questions

Does the plot move forward enough? This chapter is still a little on the quiet side. Ch. 4 has more things going wrong and more action. 
It moves forward enough for a romance, yes. But I don't feel any connections between M and her love interest, or the girls. She mostly just seems tired and annoyed.

Are there feelings? Does M seem to connect with both potential love interests on some level? 
Feelings, sometimes, but no real connection. It's clear she is interested in the guy, but it doesn't seem super healthy. It's clear the girls are super interested in her, and she doesn't really care, which makes me question why they are in here.
 
Where does my logic cease to make sense? 
Detailed LBLs below.
 
 I tried to describe a lot of facial expressions in this section to convey emotion because M isn't reading Mi's mind. I am bad with facial expressions in real life, so I am bad at writing them. 
I didn't have any issues with the facial expressions. I think the motivations are off moreso in this chapter, in that I'm just not feeling connections.
 
As I go
- I think the first paragraph has some really beautiful imagery that is muddled in the clunky lines and redundant words. Cleaned up, I think it would be amazing
- pg 1: while I LOL at the spying line, it's also a little bit creepy
- pg 2: 'just wanted to know what he was up to' isn't great stakes for me. I'd rather he be in danger, or encroaching on finding out angels are real, or something like that. I'd like a real reason for her spying on him, or just go full romance and have her be bored, smitten, and able to stealthily stalk men
- pg 3: but THAT SPECIFIC BUILDING? I'd be very skeptical of finding someone on my special hiding building when there are so many other buildings around. Especially someone I'd been hanging out with a lot
- pg 5: Do you think it's possible to know too much to be like everyone else? If you have too many secrets, too much knowledge you can’t share, make it impossible to connect with other people <-- This is a confusing few sentences. I'm not sure what he is trying to say, and what this has to do with a boy kissing him at a party. Did he come up there because he's upset about a drunk kiss, or because he thinks he is too weird to date? What in his past is the problem? Is that what makes him feel like he is weird??
Mostly, I'm lost in this dialogue
- pg 5: I don’t think I’ll regret it unless you do something to make me regret it <-- WOW. Dislike this dude. "hey, I'm drunk, so everything is your fault' is a real not-romantic line. Much prefer it read: I don't think I'll regret telling you...maybe. or something
- pg 6: the scene on the roof leaves me confused. I think you're trying to get them to realize they both have secrets but...the dialogue seemed forced and stilted. The guy is drunk, so okay, I can buy that. M just seems...awkward, which is fine, but doesn't drive the romantic attraction at all. I feel like I'm being told a lot about her attraction to him, but shown actions that are mostly wary and borderline obsessed. Does she like him, or does she just want his secrets because she has nothing else going on?
- pg 7: the dialogue between M and T is much more naturally awkward and cute. I can see the attraction there, but it falls flat because it is clear that the romance is between M and the guy. I think T needs more involvement in the story, not just as a side character. It isn't really a love triangle if both parties aren't equally competing. T  needs her own secret that intrigues M!
- pg 9: for how concerned M was about consent earlier, I'm surprised she is even contemplating kissing a drunk person
- pg 10: this page has enough typos and sentences without ends that I'm not entirely sure what is going on
- pg 11: so her roommate...wants a threesome?
- oh. oh my. I see that yes, she does. 
- pg 11: wasn't M pretty worked up over almost being kissed? Or did she not want to be kissed? I'm really confused and feel like we get a lot of mixed signals. Does M have interest in T? She has 'interest' in the guy, yes, and gets kind of fluttery around him, but the actual writing of the M/T scenes is much more engaging, but yet M doesn't seem to care much. I thought she was interested in the kiss, but she said she wasn't to her mother, and just came home to be offered a threesome, declined, and undressed in front of them.
If I was wired from flirting and almost being kissed, I don't think I'd be able to just undress and go to bed. At the very least I'd flirt back, or just not go into the room. I expect M to be carrying some residual arousal, either from T or the guy, yet none comes through here.
- pg 15: be able to help you cobble something together.” <-- Between this sentence and the next, where M texts her mom, we need emotions. How does she feel about the invite? Does she want to go? Judging from the roommate scene, she isn't interested at all in either of the girls so why go with them? Why not try to go with the guy? Why does she want to impress the girls? We've seen no indication of her interest in either of them this chapter, and that last sentence confirms that she really isn't interested in either of them. Just the guy. So...is she going to use them to get to him? If she isn't interested in them, why are they in the story?
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Hi,

So angels are people enough to live a "mortal life"?

Dialogue on page 3 feels stilted. Gets better soon after though. 

As a whole, I like the whole thing with the telepathy. 

I really need to learn to do more thorough Alpha critiques.

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I agree with @kais about M's love inconsistencies. There only seems to be women arracted to M, while M runs away from them. M is not showing any interest in any of the women that are almost throwing themselves at her.

I loved the opening to the chapter. I thought it added feeling (her mixed feelings about what/who she is).

However, both conversations with Mi and T seem way to sober for the two who are supposed to be drunk. And if Mi is bi, then why wasnt he at the mixer party? Both T and Mi don't stumble or get off topic or rant (Mi is monolouging instead of ranting).

I found it annoying they were also doing phone tag. Ie A was texting M about what T was texting/telling A(about going to the skatepark). Another thing about T is that you say she has been skating since she was 8 years old. Most of my skater friends can skate VERY well while drunk and can do tricks. They tend to get hurt when attempting to do a trick they know they cant do.

I think the interaction between M and T needs to be ampted up. I didnt really understand why the things that happened, happened. But there is no escalation from M or T to cause M to loose control. M also had the perfect excuse to AVOID this and get T to the hospital and she didnt use it: ie "You should go to the clinic! I think you might have a fracture or something, I AM STUDYING MEDICINE YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME!!" If she is interested in T she can also take this one step further "Lets go together!/I will go with you if you dont like clinics ." She could even read Ts mind and say that, and while she is panicing about reading her mind and responding T is too drunk to notice.

And finally if M is always hungry, at this point shouldnt she carry her own snacks? (In response to Mi's bacon).

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On 12/05/2020 at 3:52 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

mc walks in on her roommate in bed with a girl

*spoiler alert!!* :lol: 

(page 3)

- "Isn’t there a reddit thread for that?" - LOL. I reckon Reddit would be Caps.

(page 4)

- "I kind of went off of them" - Okay, I know this is a grammar point, but I need to know the answer to understand the line. Is it a typo, i.e. 'I went off on them', in the sense that he blew up at them (which would be perfectly reasonable for them setting him up without telling him; OR is it as typed, in the sense of 'I went off them', i.e. he didn't like them anymore as friends?

(page 5)

- "It took every ounce of self-control" - this is good, I like this new internal conflict.

- Loving the fencing in this conversation. I think it's really nicely balanced between kind of sweet / hesitant, and also slightly investigator on M's part, knowing her position in this. What is don't remember, or maybe don't know is if she has any kind of relationship back home, any other love interest, or if she is footloose and fancy free.

- "running from one bad idea right into another" - Nice line.

(page 6)

- I can't remember who T and A are, which way around they are, but I guess T is the sk8rgrl she met in class, and at the mixer.

(page 7)

- "T leaned on M" - Is M still holding T's hand at this point? Not entirely clear: I would like a cue on that.

- "T smelled like v---- and a-----" - excellent line.

- "M let got of T" - I don't think enough is made of this. That is a long hand-hold. That means something, but it's ignored in the scene.

(page 8)

- I like the internal struggle in M between healing the wound and not. The kissing doesn't seem to come into the debate but that's fine. I like that M is aware of T's intent, but I'm happy to accept that M doesn't have enough resources to process T's urge at this moment.

(page 9)

- Phones ringing and buzzing: yes, it's very, very frustrating, which feels completely realistic. It's a bit convenient when it happens, but I'm able to accept it as life intervening.

(page 10)

- "because her roommate was not only awake, but had company" - This is A, right? Can you say A at the earliest opportunity? I need a reminder of that name to help me keep them straight.

- "But I don’t want you to pretend we’re not here..." - Is this A's thought? Unclear, IMO. Also, I don't really understand the thought. That's okay, maybe I'm not supposed to, but I'm reading all sorts of weird and whacky things into it.

- No, wait, I'm completely confused. I think there is a presumption here that I understand the geography of the suite, but I don't. There is a common room that is accessed via the front door. It's like a lounge, a comment casual space, linked to the kitchen, I presume, probably open plan? Then the bedrooms are off that common room. But, my assumption is that everyone has their own individual bedroom. This is how it would be in the UK. Multiple small bedroom, like really small, with a desk under a bunkbed. So, I don't understand the use of roommate. It implies that A and M share a bedroom? That seems crazy to me. But I guess there must be twin beds in there?

I've been completely fine and enjoying this chapter up to this point, but this is the bit I don't believe. I do not believe that M, in the emotional state she is in, would walk in on her roommate having sex with someone with the intention of lying down in that I'm presuming is a twin bed, so like three, four feet away from the a couple in the throes of a consenting sex act and trying to go to sleep. That's just not plausible. Also, it's actually pretty rude if you think about it, and thoughtless. I never lived in res, but there is a code, is there not?

- "Just pretend I’m not here" - No, not in a million years. She knows--on some level--that is an impossibility.

- "But I don’t want you to pretend we’re not here. I don’t want you to go to sleep." - I don't buy this either. LOL, I know I'm going around in circles. So, this is M's thought? It's completely unclear to me.

(page 11)

- "barely making it up the ladder before passing out on the top bunk" - I just can't believe this. However, on another level, I just want M to get some :unsure: There's a point at which self-denial is just incredibly frustrating for the reader. I'd prefer if you played up M's physical state a little more here, her exhaustion.

(page 12)

- "the image of the girl in the alley" - I can't remember what this is. Maybe WRS? Dunno.

- "spilling your secrets to me" - he really didn't. He's right. He comment is not correct.

- "share your bacon" - Tear his head off and *take* the bacon. Friendship ends when there is bacon.

- "How many classes do you TA for?" - 

(page 14)

- "Cap is creepy. Kirk is cool,” A said" - Okay, me and A are finished. I'm not in love with Cap, but creepy? Really? And James T. Kirk is many things - brash, swashbuckling, assertive, noble, confident, compelling, commanding, but cool? Never in a month of Sundays. So, my assessment of A's opinions just went through the floor :P 

- "still hasn’t forgiven her for it" - ROFL.

- Sorry, all this chat about cosplaying is great and all, but this is the end of the chapter. What is the arc? Where is the arc? 

(page 15)

- Decent ending to the chapter, I suppose. But it's all very light and fluffy. I can do light and fluffy, but I feel like I was promised the demon hunting plot of the first chapter and it has disappeared. I need constant reminders that is still relevant, and that there is still darkness and threat in the story. There is no threat in this chapter, really, and IMO that makes it feel like the foot coming way off the gas.

Overall 

I enjoyed plenty about this chapter. There were some really sweet, awkward moments. My problems were that (1) magic and supernatural issue were very much in the background. If I'm reading a story, I'm reading for the genre aspects. I really don't hardly read any general fiction. Like none. I don't mind 'mainstream' aspects being to the fore, but I need a good balance of the 'unreal'. Okay, she heals, she reads minds, she thinks about flying, but the the real problem, I think, is that she has almost completely forgotten or disregarded the supernatural elements of her interest in Mi.

(2) M's behaviour when discovering A in flagrante delicto was completely unconvincing to me for various different reasons, both of character and circumstance. (3) Lack of threat, which kind of rolls back into (1).

On a general note, I really like the writing. Sure, there are typos all over the place, but I've been good and not done LBLs. The style, the stone: it's good.

Another issue, while I'm thinking on style matters. Most of the character voices sound the same to me, which think is less than ideal, but it's a drafting think, and could be dealt with easily enough in pickups at the next edit.

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Posted (edited)

21 minutes ago, Robinski said:

but I feel like I was promised the demon hunting plot of the first chapter and it has disappeared. I need constant reminders that is still relevant, and that there is still darkness and threat in the story.

I'll more carefully read and respond to the other comments later, when I come back to revise this chapter, but I just want to let you we are circling back to the hunting in chapter 4. As I'm getting it ready aka deleting half of it and rewriting it, I am thinking I will need to put some more set up for it in Ch. 3, which will hopefully be that reminder you need, that the monsters are out there. 

Thank you!

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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That sounds ideal! :) 

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Well, a bit later than usual, so most of what I'm saying is just agreeing with everyone else ;-)

Like the others, I feel like the relationships are just off here. Like @kais says, M is sort of stalking Mi. I didn't really get much of a connection between M and T at all, except that T was trying to seduce M but M didn't really care. The last line especially seems like she doesn't even want to bother with the girls.

22 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "Cap is creepy. Kirk is cool,” A said" - Okay, me and A are finished. I'm not in love with Cap, but creepy? Really? And James T. Kirk is many things - brash, swashbuckling, assertive, noble, confident, compelling, commanding, but cool? Never in a month of Sundays. So, my assessment of A's opinions just went through the floor :P 

Fully agree. I don't think I've ever encountered anyone who would choose Kirk over Cap. I mean, just the physique...

22 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "Just pretend I’m not here" - No, not in a million years. She knows--on some level--that is an impossibility.

Also agree. I didn't mark this part because I was already upset M was skipping the threesome ;-)

I didn't really notice any facial expressions in this, so whether that means there weren't any or they worked alright, I'm not sure.

Overall, I think the chapter is a good start and progresses the relationship arcs, but I want a whole lot more tension between all three parties rather than M being unsure about even wanting a relationship.

 

Notes while reading:
Pg 1: Cool about her father being a literal angel. Makes me wonder about what her father can and can't do. I guess procreate, but can he not tells lies, or are there certain things he's prevented from doing?

pg 2: "drunk texting her hours"
--for hours, or a long time after the party?

pg 3: "They both took a step forward."
--M was about to leave, but took a step toward Mi?

pg 3: "far enough away that he couldn’t easily reach out and touch her."
--that's strangely specific. Why?

pg 4: "to believe I wanted to start dating, but didn’t know where to start.”
--was he specifically not dating before now?

pg 4: “Sometimes I think it would be nice, but it could be a distraction."
--Interesting way of putting it. Can you know/assume what something will be like if you haven't had any experience with it?

pg 4: "The type of algorithms he’s developing reminded me of something I don’t want to remember."
--Sounds very Stross/Laundry files.

pg 5, top: Sounds like they're getting into a battle of questions.

pg 5: "I don’t think I’ll regret it unless you do something to make me regret it.”
--That...sounds very blame-y, like he can't be at fault.

pg 5: "He nodded. “It was nice talking to you.”
--uh...I expect a little more response than this, like why? or what happened? or something. This just kills the tension dead.

pg 6: "she knew there was something wrong with Tasha’s radius"
--might just say "forearm." It took me a minute to process she was using the actual name, especially when she and Mi had been talking about math. I was ready for half a diameter radius.

pg 7: "the more she noticed there were two gouges."
--I don't think you can halfway notice something?

pg 7: “I think I was eight when I got my first board.” 
--And she hasn't broken bones before?

pg 7: "Her elbow brushed T"
--I think there's supposed to be romantic tension as with Mi, but I'm not really getting any.

pg 8: "If she could just sense it better, she’d know if it actually needed stitches."
--I mean, looking at it will probably work too.

pg 8: "When she was done"
--done what? Did she heal her, or fix up her wound?

pg 8: "M dropped her shields"
--Why now, when she's struggled to keep them up the whole time?

pg 9: A little more tension here, but I feel like it's not built up enough to pay off.

pg 10: "I wanted to heal her."
--and again, this drops any tension away from that relationship. Also, the switch to a conversation with her mom is sort of random.

pg 10: "we’re not here"
--is there someone with A?

pg 11: "Another girl popped her head out from under the blankets"
--ah.

pg 11: “Do you want to join us?”
--the answer you're looking for is YES. ;-)

pg 13: "smiling as he made eye contact and pushed his glasses further up onto his nose."
-hmm...this seems to plainly stated to bring any tension to the moment. This whole conversation about cosplay doesn't seem to add much to the plot. It's been stated they talked about it before, so going through the conversation seems tedious.

pg 14: “I’ll see you this afternoon.”
--everyone just calmly ends conversations with no tension.

pg 14: "Cap is creepy. Kirk is cool,” A said."
--I...don't think I've ever heard anyone express that opinion. Maybe the opposite...

pg 15: “Well, if you want to go, but not with him, I’ll go with you,”
--I think I know why the dynamic seems off here. M and Mi are cool together, naturally progressing toward romance (except for the creepy spying), but T seems like she's blatantly out to seduce M.

pg 15: Yeah, that last paragraph pretty much nixes T as a potential.
 

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Posted (edited)

59 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

I mean, just the physique...

It's America's rear (oh for heaven's sakes, Shard, come ON) for a reason!

Edited by kais
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Posted (edited)

11 minutes ago, kais said:

It's America's rear (oh for heaven's sakes, Shard, come ON) for a reason!

OK, you, @Mandamon and @Robinski win. :lol:

I'll change to something more like, "M is too scrawny to cosplay as Cap" and she won't comment on Kirk. 

 

Edited by shatteredsmooth
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4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I mean, just the physique...

:lol: 

3 hours ago, kais said:

It's America's rear (oh for heaven's sakes, Shard, come ON) for a reason!

:lol: 

4 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I didn't mark this part because I was already upset M was skipping the threesome ;-)

That may have coloured my reaction also...:rolleyes:

3 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

OK, you, @Mandamon and @Robinski win. :lol:

I'll change to something more like, "M is too scrawny to cosplay as Cap" and she won't comment on Kirk.

Ah, now. I'd just like to go on record an say I don't think A should change her mind. I think it's cool that characters to hold unpopular opinions. Because they have every right to hold them, and it makes them more interesting. And the threesome--I mean, M's reasons for not participating are entirely reasonable--she was exhausted from the healing and disoriented from her encounter with (a) Mi, then (b) T. I also find that completely acceptable from the POV of the story arc. I don't have to like it, but I'm not expecting the romance plot to come to fruition <cough> this early in the story. So, while I moan about these things, I think they make sense. It's completely standard for a reader to be frustrated because things don't all go the protagonist's way, but you would not want them to get all that they wanted too easily, of course.

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Right-o. First things first, I'd recommend doing a Google search or two on hyphen usage, because it looked to me like you were using them when you shouldn't and not using any when you should. Secondly, my pages probably won't line up with yours in Word; my Office Suite subscription ran out, so I wrote my notes in Google docs. 

Q & A:

Are there feelings? Does M seem to connect with both potential love interests on some level? 

Somewhat? M knows their names, that much is clear. I'm not sensing a whole lot of emotional connection, and it's hard to tell what's supposed to be genuine if they're both drunk (assuming I'm right on who the romantic options are supposed to be). 

Where does my logic cease to make sense? 

I feel like the threesome scene stretches believability a bit. I have a feeling that anyone interrupted during sex by a roommate who tells them 'pretend I'm not here' would be ticked off at the very least (volcanic at the most). 

I don't buy that everyone texts the exact same way. Some variety in how your characters text would add some good flavor; add some abbreviations, acronyms, emojis. 

You asked not for much in the way of grammar corrections, so I skipped that. (Though if you're fine with it, in the future I can send the file back to you with proofing marks. Same goes for anyone else if they're cool with that. I have the equipment.) 

My last general note is that your dialogue is somewhat patchy; certain conversations feel fairly natural, others are mechanical ("My friend is A. We met in calculus."). I'd just recommend reading your dialogue back to yourself, or speak it aloud, to gauge whether or not you think it might actually come out of a person's mouth. Also, if you're feeling adventurous, try adding a drunken slur when your sloshed characters start talking.  

Notes are a little light, I'm afraid. I hope they're helpful regardless. 

Pg. 1:

I would kill for a flashback or a fleshing-out of this Enterprise v. Millenium Falcon argument, as there are multiple factors you can go into: which Enterprise is being discussed, the fact that you can transverse the Star Wars galaxy at the drop of the hat, but the Milky Way takes 75+ years without wormholes, et cetera. 

Pg. 3:

"I could ask you the same thing.”—Cliché line. Might wanna consider changing it to something else. 

Why is a specific number the best kind of number? 

"It was a lie but it was packed with truth."—I'd changed to edged. I've never heard a lie packed with truth; if there's so much truth within the lie that it can be packed, isn't more truth than lie? Yes, I'm absolutely being pedantic. 

“I guess I can stay a little."—Well, she was convinced pretty quickly. I feel like she ought to at least think it over for a second or two. Adding "She paused" would go a long way. 

Pg. 4:

He frowned, and inhaled slowly. “Because I know what can be done with that type of data.”—That's a pretty common reason, and I don't think it needs that dramatic of a pause.

"I'm bi...what happened to A?" I like this whole interaction. Feels natural. 

Pg. 6:

Her heart raced, and her phone buzzed again and again and again.—I wasn't sure if she was being called or texted, because phones tend to have different rhythms of buzzing to indicate different functions. I think right off the bat, you should just say she's being texted.

M stepped away with the sinking feeling she was running from one bad idea right into another.—I think 'situation' would be more fitting than 'idea.' 

It was a storm of injuries. The bruises were dark thunder clouds and scraped red lightning and wind.—This metaphor feels overwrought to me. I can almost see it, but I have no idea what wind is supposed to look like as an injury. I think you can just leave it as 'a storm of injuries.' 

Pg. 7:

...walked up to the building both their dorms were in.—Does it have a name? You could also just call it 'their dorm building.' 

He was the best at toasting marshmallows while telling stories.—The best compared to whom? How many marshmallow-toasting storytellers does she know?

T closed the door, which made it feel small.—I'd replace 'it' with 'the bathroom'. Otherwise, it looks like M thinks the door's size depends on whether or not it's opened or close. (Insert Schrodinger's joke here.)

Pg. 10:

M closed her eyes calling up memories of the attic and typed with her eyes closed—You can delete the reminder that her eyes are closed. 

Pg. 11:

...that door made M’s cheeks flush before fru—Your sentence cut off here.

Pg. 12:

She pulled a shift of her draw—She whudda wha? 

Pg. 14:

They’d taken solid, cylindrical pieces of wood—As opposed to watery wood? Again, I'm probably being pedantic, but I don't think you need to tell us wood is solid. 

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As per usual, did not read previous comments.

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, " You’re mom isn’t an Angel." Hmm, so is M half angel, and 16.6% each of human, elf, and I forgot the fourth? Wasn't there a fourth? Also, I would be incredibly disappointed myself if I thought I was going to have wings, then discovered I would never get them.

Pg 1, "the Green Building" I Googled this building. That has to be some of the most uninspired concrete architecture I have ever laid my eyes on.

Pg 1, "She liked this roof," I believe M is fully capable of breaking open a door to get onto a roof, but I do wonder what abilities she has that lets her be able to. 

Pg 1, " if the Millenium  Millennium Falcon was faster than the Enterprise" A quick Google states that: "The Millennium Falcon is (approximately) 58,000 times faster than the USS Enterprise-D." Today I learned.

Pg 2, "It had been too windy for them to stay and watch him." Them as in C and M, or is this a pronoun mishap for C?

Pg 2, " And the glamour would only hide her from his sight." Missing word? The glamour only works on sight, or does it block scents too?

Pg 4, "he couldn’t easily reach out and touch her." In an alternative universe, M sits too close and Mi, an evil mastermind, shoves her over the edge of the building. 

Pg 4, "Isn’t there a reddit thread for that?" Hehehehehe. My all time Reddit thread would probably have to be Cookie Monster's AMA. So wholesome. 

Pg 4, " ***whole" That extra "w" made me chuckle. 

Pg 5, " I was oblivious to the flirting at first." Me.

Pg 5, " she crossed that line again" Hmmmmmm....interesting.....

Pg 7, "sounded kind of borning boring." Okay, so I stopped to put this one in my notes, because Google Docs didn't flag borning as being spelled incorrect. Turns out borning is some weird variation of being born. 

Pg 7, " my cousin would light them on fire just to watch them burn." My sister and I.

Pg 10, "do you want me to walk to the elevator?" Poor T. Rejection is never fun.

Pg 11, "cheeks flush before fru" Dropoff! I do this all the time!!! 

Pg 11, "Just pretend I’m not here" Mood killer. I'm so glad my dorm roommate never brought men over, and that I didn't. We never had to do that awkwardness.

Pg 13, "she was going to burn through her meal plan" Man, she would have loved my college dorm. Once you were in, it was all-you-can-eat buffet.

Pg 15, "T taken his seat." Either she doesn't remember last night, or the girl is good at handling exhausted rejection. Either way, I am relieved. I don't handle awkwardness residue well. 

Pg 15, "T laughed nervously" Uh oh, I think she remembers...

I didn't nab any of the missing words or the random floating quotation mark unless it caused me confusion or made me chuckle. As a Marvel fan, I loved the geek talk.

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