kais

04/27/20 - kais - Rosewood Chapter 4 (L) - 4146 words

17 posts in this topic

L for mild language

Changes continue! S is now an on-again-off-again lover whom J-s asked to watch M. The plot about tolls has been completely cut out. Emotions have been upped and M wants to head to the palace yes, to get her mother’s comb but also because trains are establishing on the island (one route already functioning) and it’ll put the highwaymen out of business. They need bigger marks. Why not the royalty? 
 
Moving forward with two giant trope scenes. All comments most welcome, especially as we move into the relationship building part.

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

I probably should critique this and all that,  but to be honest, I enjoyed it too much to spot any errors that are probably there. So good job? I don't know why I'm posting.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, Turin Turambar said:

I don't know why I'm posting.

Sometimes 'I just enjoyed it' is good enough! Makes me happy to know I did something right!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There were so many great lines in here. I think most of my As I Read notes were "LOL" and "snicker snicker." I love M. You may win for the most LOLs I've written while critiquing in this forum. 

The opening paragraph about taverns was fantastic. 

I loved how you worked in the detail about the walnut and what that meant for the age of the place. 

"...missed the note about the geriatric hour" This had me laughing out loud.

"...smuggling canes..." laughing even louder. 

"...that you seduced in the halls..." adorable

"...breathy weariness..." At first I thought this person has asthma too, then I was like "No, it is the princess and the breathy weariness is from the binder!" 

"...religion too money..." Exactly what I would expect from M.

"...dirty road rat...can't read age restrictions..." HA HA HA so she did literally miss the note about geriatric hours. :lol:

"element of not having bathed..." The voice in this chapter is just perfect. 

"...good with a weapon..." Piquing my interest in this princess. 

"...Thank god her brother..." I love M. 

"...back out there and rob..." So flustered. Adorable. 

"excitement that did their hearts in" I didn't think I could laugh harder, but...

Oh, my one actual critique

"Highway robber was delightfully straightforward" Did you mean robbery? 

Overall, 

This chapter was immensely amusing but still had tons of tension that moved the plot forward. 

 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yep, like the others, this is trope/cheese/comedy gold. Lots of fun to read and easy to get through. I'm very interested in what resources N has that plot things so precisely, and how that works. This might be a change from the first couple chapters, but it seemed like M and N were supposed to meet at this tavern, and I didn't remember that being set up.

Looking forward to the next chapter!

Notes while reading

pg 2: "had missed the note about geriatric hour, or Aspen Grove had a really unusual nightlife. 
--lol

pg 2: "daydream about the soothing, textured feeling of her mother’s comb"
--Really? I know she wants to get it back, but daydreaming over a hair acessory in a bath seems a bit much.

pg 2: "About how by this time tomorrow, she might even have it in her hands again."
--maybe just replace the line above this one? Rather than daydreaming about the texture, she's looking forward to getting it back.

pg 3: "up at the landing"
--Is like a landing with a balcony so the rooms look out over the tavern floor? If it's just stairs leading to an enclosed second story, I wonder how much someone afraid of heights would care.
For that matter, is the staircase free-standing or built into the wall? It might make a big difference.
(Noting all this because my spouse is afraid of heights and has some of these issues)

pg 3: "flag down the barmaid with wrist flip that screamed money."
--flagged. Also, I first read "flung down the barmaid," and I was very confused what money had to do with random violence...

pg 4: "And they’re smuggling canes. Or geriatric underwear.”
--also lol.

pg 4: "binding"
--does M have experience with binding/posing as a man? I thought she was relatively fem in nature.

pg 4: "“Err, something like that."
--Ha! Also, is "corn juice" something people drink?

pg 4: "It sounded too much like yesterday’s princess"
--uh oh, I feel a trope oncoming...

pg 4: "dark blue corn juice"
--long, confused stare

pg 5: "exclaimed from her corner. Too loud"
--Ha! knew it.

pg 6: "who can’t read an age restriction sign on a private tavern"
--this is great. But why is N there?

pg 6: "You’re always safe in your own tavern.”
--oh, I guess she owns it?

pg 7: “I don’t think you’re supposed to be here yet. Your hair is still above your ears.”
--Ah. Ok. Fairly detailed prophesying then.

pg 8: "A shiver ran down Marani’s arms, but it wasn’t from fear."
--yes, this chapter is very enjoyable.

pg 8: "There had to be an appropriate rebuttal for being ordered to crime by a princess"
HA! Well, now she has free reign, I guess.

pg 9: “I thought you’d offered me a job.” 
--maybe WRS, but I don't remember this.

pg 11: “Tell me there was a wooden penny in there.”
--sounds like that was in a prophesy somewhere.

pg 12: "It took me over a year to get it to match right.”
--with...?

pg 13: "Wood pennies were highly variable in their weight"
--wood pennies in general just seem weird. Wouldn't they rot or break?

pg 14: good ending. I wonder why N needs 5 days, though.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 27/04/2020 at 5:10 PM, kais said:

S is now an on-again-off-again lover whom J-s asked to watch M.

Check.

On 27/04/2020 at 5:10 PM, kais said:

The plot about tolls has been completely cut out.

Check.

On 27/04/2020 at 5:10 PM, kais said:

Emotions have been upped and M wants to head to the palace yes, to get her mother’s comb

Check...

On 27/04/2020 at 5:10 PM, kais said:

but also because trains are establishing on the island (one route already functioning) and it’ll put the highwaymen out of business.

CHECK!

On 27/04/2020 at 5:10 PM, kais said:

They need bigger marks.

Check.

On 27/04/2020 at 5:10 PM, kais said:

Why not the royalty?

Ooooooooh!

(page 1)

- "Taverns were cliché" - Yes, M, yes they are, you call out those tarnation taverns!

- "You were who you were" - great line.

- This first paragraph is start-of-the-book good.

- "where four old men knelt and played dice" - Awesome detail. Never heard the like. This tavern scene is fresh already.

(page 2)

- "business model" - Blaaaaaahh. Horrible modern phrase. Business model? What kind of world is this?

- "two gold leaves" - Hang on. A wooden... Oh, wood is really rare, so that's a lot, and gold is cheap? That's very clever, but it's really confusing for most of us (I'm willing to guess). Currency in a story is just background, really doesn't matter much usually. So, when you turn it on its head, it's clever an' all, but every time I see it my instinct is to go with wood = cheap, gold = expensive.

(page 3)

- "off the ground" - Ah, yes. I did know this was coming. It feels unnecessary to me. She's going to have loads of challenges along the way without something this... inconvenient dogging her every step, well, a lot of them.

- "hadn’t thought to ask about rooms on the ground floor" - See, I don't believe this. My wife and daughter both have a nut allergy (fatal kind), and every time they even think of eating something it has to be checked; packaging, ingredients, etc. So, M has been living with a situation for a long time (I presume), where she has severe trouble going upstairs. This will be the first thing she thinks of when she goes anywhere near a building, IMO.

- "their rickety canes" - surely the canes are not rickety? That completely defeats the purpose of having a cane.

(page 8)

- "“Princess,” E hissed, horrified" - Confused. Do they know here that 'R' is a princess? At first I thought they didn't. Then I was less sure. The dialogue here seems to me to imply they do know that, and yet they call her 'R', not 'N'.

- "She took a step into N" - I don 't know what this looks like. Sounds super awkward.

(page 9)

- "Why are you here?”" - I'm getting roundly fed up with this line now. I think that's the seventh or eighth time, more maybe, that we've had a variation on this in the last two or three pages.

- "Older barmaids" - I don't buy this. Sounds like there are numerous barmaids in here, and these ones have been completely ignored. It's not a big place. I'd say one other barmaid max, and even at that, I think one could run the place.

(page 10)

- "yank to her left braid" - Not this again. Does every story on here have to have a character yanking her braid? :P 

(page 12)

- "Do not lose the penny. It took me over a year to get it to match right" - Ooooh, excellent sense of mystery.

- "caught in a loop of soft skin around her lips" - Don't know what this is.

(page 13)

- "promptly evaporated" - Why? I don't quite follow.

- "shaken his head" - Why?

- "don’t make me slap you awake tonight to get my answer" - Don't entirely follow. About the five day thing? I didn't think it was a choice.

- "popped" - yuck.

(page 14)

- "if the princess chased her out right after they entered" - I don't really follow the logic.

- "So yes, waiting, she would do" - Okay, but I think this whole debate about waiting five days or not has been blown way out of proportion. It's not a debate that take a chapter to play out. I feels like a very flimsy, forced obstacle, to me, to generate an argument between them.

- "had twice now completely taken control" - This doesn't belong in the same sentence as all those soft feelings that M is having about N, I think. It spoils the mood for me, and I don't need to hear it here. I'm wrapped up in M feeling the warm thought from the penny.

- "She didn’t mind at all" - Didn't mind what? Confused.

Overall 

I like the dynamic of the chapter, the pacing and the arc, but I don't believe the basis for the argument and most of the tension in the chapter felt forced to me. There are some nice lines, but the motivations are still not playing right for me. It's not the comb, I'm on board with that, it's the rationale about getting a job, about getting some of her gang into the palace. it's weak, for me. I think it would play better if there was a specific reason that N actually needed some skill that M has...no, it would be better if it was some skill that J-cks has, and M was tagging alone.

Sent some LBLs. Nothing much.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I enjoyed this chapter too. My only comments are on page 2 when M wants to use the comb... would such an old comb be in a usable condition? I don't know/remember what its made of, but if its been tossed around then you might not be able to use it.

Also, if I were an experienced thief, I would notice the value/reliance the princess had on her book. She referenced it and looked through it too much for me not believe it couldnt be stolen and used as leverage to get Ms comb, even if M doesnt know what it is/what its used for (as I am assuming this is a time traveling plot now).

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm late to the party! Didn't read everyone else's comments, as per usual.

Thoughts as I go: 

Pg 1, " lit with hundreds of old wax candles." I pity the poor sap who has to light all of those candles every single day. What's the cost per candle??? Random thoughts.

Pg 2, "M had missed the note about geriatric hour," If someone doesn't get their cheek pinched, I am going to be disappointed.

Pg 3, " Four meters off the ground." I am sensing a fear of heights...

Pg 3, " and flagged down the barmaid with a wrist flip that screamed money."

Pg 4, "corn juice" Today I learned corn juice and corn milk existed.

Pg 6, "Seashell pink nails." Heh heh heh.

Pg 6, " an age restriction sign" Nobody under 55 allowed.

Pg 7, " she flipped between pages" Someone's an ambitious planner of a stalker.

Pg 8, "back out there and rob someone" Smooth.

Pg 11, " Polishing silver." Yes, because when I hire a thief, I have them polish the silver. I'd have her scrubbing the grout or emptying chamberpots! Hah!

Pg 12, "“And I when I get home I need to do some consulting"

Pg 13, " Do not lose the penny." Or spend it :/

I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter! I'm intrigued by N and her plans, and I love how both protagonists are spitfires and yet are completely different. I may steal the geriatric tavern for my DnD campaign, if that's alright with you. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/27/2020 at 7:05 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

This chapter was immensely amusing but still had tons of tension that moved the plot forward. 

Hoorah! Sounds like this chapter was a pretty solid win across the board. Thank you for the feedback!

On 4/29/2020 at 10:48 AM, Mandamon said:

but it seemed like M and N were supposed to meet at this tavern, and I didn't remember that being set up.

This was a surprise meeting, so definitely not set up. N was supposed to meet a train baron, whom she mistook M for. Might clean that a bit

On 4/29/2020 at 10:48 AM, Mandamon said:

but daydreaming over a hair acessory in a bath seems a bit much

LOL okay fair

On 4/29/2020 at 10:48 AM, Mandamon said:

-Is like a landing with a balcony so the rooms look out over the tavern floor? If it's just stairs leading to an enclosed second story, I wonder how much someone afraid of heights would care.
For that matter, is the staircase free-standing or built into the wall? It might make a big difference.
(Noting all this because my spouse is afraid of heights and has some of these issues)

Both you and @Robinski pinged this, so I'm going to edit the staircase to make free standing, with lots of gaps between the boards and such. 

On 4/29/2020 at 10:48 AM, Mandamon said:

does M have experience with binding/posing as a man? I thought she was relatively fem in nature.

Ehhhh I waffle on this. It'll be a later stage edit I think, if I decide she's more butch. Regardless, this probably needs a bit of an explanation.

On 4/29/2020 at 10:48 AM, Mandamon said:

Also, is "corn juice" something people drink?

Blue corn juice is a Peruvian drink and is DELICIOUS

Thank you for the feedback, @Mandamon! I'm glad this chapter worked for you, too.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

What kind of world is this?

LOL a tropey one!

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

So, when you turn it on its head, it's clever an' all, but every time I see it my instinct is to go with wood = cheap, gold = expensive.

This is actually just a typo on my part. She should have tossed some pennies onto the table. Old artifact from an earlier draft

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

She's going to have loads of challenges along the way without something this... inconvenient dogging her every step, well, a lot of them.

I wasn't planning on doing much with it this book and it might still get cut. Unsure at this stage.

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

See, I don't believe this. My wife and daughter both have a nut allergy (fatal kind), and every time they even think of eating something it has to be checked; packaging, ingredients, etc. So, M has been living with a situation for a long time (I presume), where she has severe trouble going upstairs. This will be the first thing she thinks of when she goes anywhere near a building, IMO.

Have edited per yours and @Mandamon's feedback

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

surely the canes are not rickety

No, but M is disgusted so her views are colored by that

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

The dialogue here seems to me to imply they do know that, and yet they call her 'R', not 'N'.

They do. Have added the following:

“Err, something like that. Sneaking out of the palace isn’t easy you know, even if it’s to go to a tavern you technically own. One of these days I’m hoping I can come here without the fake name and disguise.” She ruffled the hair on the girl’s head. “Buying your dad out was a great choice, though, even if I had to steal from the queen to do it. It’s nice to have a place for meetings that isn’t filled with a hundred irritating attendants. Could you bring me some water and corn juice?”
 

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

Does every story on here have to have a character yanking her braid? :P 

I maybe put this in just to get a rise out of you...

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

Don't entirely follow. About the five day thing? I didn't think it was a choice.

Ah good call. Have clarified.

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

if the princess chased her out right after they entered" - I don't really follow the logic.

Clarified!

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

It's not a debate that take a chapter to play out.

Hmm. The chapter was mostly supposed to be M spending the night before going to the castles, and there being a surprise N sighting. I've added a few more details about this being N's prophecy specific to hopefully sort it out

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

Didn't mind what? Confused.

Doesn't mind N taking control of things. I'm setting up a reverse butch/femme dynamic, and this is part of the groundwork. 

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

I think it would play better if there was a specific reason that N actually needed some skill that M has...no, it would be better if it was some skill that J-cks has, and M was tagging alone.

I think this will be clarified if I clarify the prophecy aspect more. Thank you, as always, for the very specific feedback @Robinski!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/30/2020 at 5:15 PM, CherishLarain said:

My only comments are on page 2 when M wants to use the comb... would such an old comb be in a usable condition? I don't know/remember what its made of, but if its been tossed around then you might not be able to use it.

She mostly wants it for sentimental value, so I think material shouldn't be a huge issue. Thank you for the comments, and I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

On 4/30/2020 at 5:15 PM, CherishLarain said:

Also, if I were an experienced thief, I would notice the value/reliance the princess had on her book. She referenced it and looked through it too much for me not believe it couldnt be stolen and used as leverage to get Ms comb, even if M doesnt know what it is/what its used for (as I am assuming this is a time traveling plot now).

This is an excellent point! I've actually used it in a later chapter!

20 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

If someone doesn't get their cheek pinched, I am going to be disappointed.

I have let you down...

20 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Today I learned corn juice and corn milk existed.

blue corn juice is DELICIOUS

20 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

nd I when I get home I need to do some consulting"

This actually reminded me that I needed to change the line to: And when I get home I have to arrange the baking

21 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter! I'm intrigued by N and her plans, and I love how both protagonists are spitfires and yet are completely different. I may steal the geriatric tavern for my DnD campaign, if that's alright with you. 

Hoorah! Glad it was a good chapter! And yes, feel free to steal away.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, kais said:

Have added the following:

This is very helpful. I think it will help with some of my general confusion also, with this chapter.

10 minutes ago, kais said:

I'm setting up a reverse butch/femme dynamic

Would that be the femme taking control, rather than the butch in a 'forward' B/F? It's just that...well, you'll see :D

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Robinski said:

Would that be the femme taking control, rather than the butch in a 'forward' B/F? It's just that...well, you'll see :D

LOL! Yes I was cruising more for power femme and soft butch, so very femme taking control. I do hope your smirk is in regards to a certain WIP...

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, kais said:

LOL! Yes I was cruising more for power femme and soft butch, so very femme taking control. I do hope your smirk is in regards to a certain WIP...

Yuuuuup.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Overall, I don’t have a ton to say about this chapter. I found it a nice pace from the previous couple of chapters on the road.

This came up a couple of times in my LBL comments but I do find that M is oddly incurious about many of the odd things about N and the things N says. I had the strong impression from their interaction in the first chapter that M did not recognize N at all and does not know where N knows her from, but she’s spent so little time worrying about this that I’m starting to think I made that up.

Similarly, N has made some very specific comments about how M isn’t supposed to be here yet, how she apparently planned to give M a specific penny, etc, and M hasn’t even consciously registered them as odd. If nothing else, I’d think M would be a little worried that N was apparently already expecting her, since this doesn’t look great for M’s plans. I get that the focus needs to be on the burgeoning romantic arc, but M not thinking about it at all seems weird. Even her thinking about it in the context of not caring as much as she should would help, and maybe even drive the romance arc home a little more. There are points where it works very well, but in one or two places the text is so focused on the dialogue between the two characters that the actual emotions and attraction get a bit lost.

That said, the voice continues to be really enjoyable. There were a lot of lines that I didn't flag, but quite liked.

As I read:

P2 I’m torn. I’m giggling at “geriatric hour,” but it does seem out-of-place in the setting.

When you wrote “four meters off the ground” I was envisioning a door, like, halfway up the wall with no actual, you know, stairs or anything. I’m a bit confused as to why M is freaking out so much. I could see mistrusting the stairs on her way up them but unless there’s something obviously wrong about them this reaction seems disproportionate.

On other hand, this bit does bring us the line “scowled at them like they’d been in a barfight together,” which I adore.

Immediate crackpot hunch: R is somehow the princess.

...oooorrr not so crackpot after all, apparently.

I also thought N/R’s reaction to M swearing seemed a little disproportionate, but I suppose not if she’s expecting it to be someone specific.

“...who can’t read an age restriction sign…” wait, so it actually is an Old Person tavern? That really IS a weird business model.

Still weirded out by M’s lack of curiosity as to why N recognizes her to begin with. That said, I’m really enjoying N’s discomfiture here.

P8 “...and put them back in properly.” Hah. Nice.

I’m surprised that M isn’t a bit more weirded out by a lot of the apparent nonsense N is uttering. Or maybe people keeping little black books of soothsayer predictions is commonplace in this world?

Top of p10 “Subtly” should be “Subtlety”

Check the spelling of R’s name, by the way – it changes somewhere mid-chapter.

On 4/27/2020 at 9:10 AM, kais said:

Changes continue! S is now an on-again-off-again lover whom J-s asked to watch M. The plot about tolls has been completely cut out. Emotions have been upped and M wants to head to the palace yes, to get her mother’s comb but also because trains are establishing on the island (one route already functioning) and it’ll put the highwaymen out of business. They need bigger marks. Why not the royalty? 

These all sound like good changes.

On 4/30/2020 at 9:36 AM, Robinski said:

So, M has been living with a situation for a long time (I presume), where she has severe trouble going upstairs. This will be the first thing she thinks of when she goes anywhere near a building, IMO.

Good call here. "Bedrooms on the second floor" are a pretty common setup, so she probably would have stopped wanting to set foot in the place the moment she realised it had more than one storey.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/9/2020 at 10:13 PM, Silk said:

but I do find that M is oddly incurious about many of the odd things about N and the things N says. I had the strong impression from their interaction in the first chapter that M did not recognize N at all and does not know where N knows her from, but she’s spent so little time worrying about this that I’m starting to think I made that up.

Yup, think I have this sorted now. I'm tying two things in, 1) that M assumes N is also lightly touched by magic, like her and J-D and 2) that she is curious and intends upon also finding out how N controls her magic when she sneaks into the castle

On 5/9/2020 at 10:13 PM, Silk said:

I’m a bit confused as to why M is freaking out so much. I could see mistrusting the stairs on her way

Per other requests, I've better described the stairs to be rickety and have no backs

On 5/9/2020 at 10:13 PM, Silk said:

"Bedrooms on the second floor" are a pretty common setup, so she probably would have stopped wanting to set foot in the place the moment she realised it had more than one storey.

Have added in the clarifying information per below
 

Spoiler

. Four meters off the ground, via a freestanding spiral staircase of slatted wood barely held together by branchwood rails.

            In a tavern full of people who could barely bend over, why were there stairs? She had read the sign and perhaps foolishly thought an older person’s tavern meant she’d be safe from second floor bedrooms. Marani scowled at the stairs like they’d just been in a barfight together. damnation this tavern and its old patrons and its creaky old stairs that would probably crumble under her feet. There had to be ground floor accommodations. She’d go ask. Just because she couldn’t break her neck didn’t mean she wanted to take unnecessary risks.

Thank you as always, @Silk! I'm pretty excited for these changes

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/15/2020 at 2:10 PM, kais said:

Have added in the clarifying information per below

Ah,  yep, this description does it for me. *slight shudder*

Also, the forum censoring to "damnation these stairs" is mildly hilarious.

These sound like good edits all around. Onwards!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.