shatteredsmooth

April 27, 2020_Book of Mel_Ch. 1/Sub 2_3859 Words (L V)

15 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Here is my second attempt at Chapter 1. Please let me know if it feels more like a first chapter now than it did before. Do you get a sense of what M wants and what might get in her way? Of what the stakes are? Is there more of a hook? 

I'm open to whatever other feedback you have. However, I'm still more focused on content than grammar, so I apologize if there are still some clunky sentence and typos. 
 
I kept changing my mind about where the fight scene was going to happen. At first it was an alley, but I thought that was too cliche, so I changed it to a construction site. The description of that setting might be sparse. I'm still thinking about changing it.
 
Content warnings for language (a few swears) and violence (in the first four pages).
 
Also, I love imagining fight scenes, but I'm not so good at writing them. Feel free to tear this one apart if you think it's worth keeping. I am trying to find a balance between M seeming competent enough for the reader to believe she'd been trained to fight Demons since she was a kid while still having tension and the sense that she is in danger. 
Edited by shatteredsmooth
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Much better first chapter. We get some good tension between Me, Mi, and T. I like the intro with saving Mi as well. Gives us some good background about him. Definitely more interested in reading, now the mixer is moved to the next chapter. We also get a much better explanation of what Me is and how she works.

On the fight scene, I though it was pretty good, but yes, a little sparse. There's a lot about limbs contacting places, but not much about where the two fighting are in relation to each other. I wouldn't add much more, because it's pretty good, but maybe a few things about how the demon moves in or away, and how Me reacts. It also gives better intent to the character feelings and direction to the scene.

I didn't mark a lot of the grammar stuff, but this submission, specifically at the beginning, had a lot of very long sentences that could have been divided into two.

Looking forward to the next one!


Notes while reading:
Pg 1: "Lose bits of sidewalk crunched"
--This is not a well-kept sidewalk if it's crunching that much...

pg 1: "and sprinted down the street"
--did she move from sidewalk to street?

pg 1: "The scabbard strapped to her thigh irritated her as the leather chafed her skin."
--cool detail, but if she's used to carrying it, then would it still irritate her, or would it be comforting? Would she have built up a callous?

pg 1: "so she could use her healing powers..."
--this sentence gets a bit long and run-on.

pg 1: coudl probably cut the line starting with "If she stumbled across one..." this is starting to go on a bit.

pg 2: "igniting the drawings etched into"
--missing a word.

pg 2: "and had comic book panels instead"
--that's awesome.

pg 2: "An etching of Captain Marvel"
--nice.

pg 6: "The reason she was exhausted today."
--redundant.

pg 6: "but her hair was tangled around the pins on the girl’s messenger bag."
--Ha! That's awkward...

pg 6: The pronoun intro works a lot better now since it's after we see the pin.

pg 8: "that way they’re still awake by the time I actually start teaching"
--Something weird about this sentence. Is he's saying M will wake the students up for the professor? Usually people get more tired through a class, so the "boring" person would go first, while people are still awake, then the more entertaining person would go, to wake people back up.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so ready for this revision

Overall

A much stronger entry this time around. I thought it started really strong, and some of the dialogue was great! The ending left me a bit meh, however. I thought the order of events was a bit off, and I think it would add more tension if she meets M for the first time in the classroom. Especially if they have a moment where he seems confused by her, even. 

Also, if this is a love triangle, our hero should probably pay a bit more attention to the girl, too, and not just focus on M (if he is the eventual boink). 

Could the chapter end with maybe a clearer plot direction? We still need some indication of B plot movement, though I think this time we actually have a B plot so it should be a pretty easy add for just a few sentences to show us where Me is going next?

Solid revisions! I liked it a lot!

As I go

- Yup, that's a strong starting sentence, that is

- 100% love that first paragraph. 

- pg 1: The knife was... I don't know if we need this sentence. It's more fun to just imply what could get her

- pg 1: The Demons with enough sentience <-- I loved this paragraph until here. Suggest cutting the rest and ending on a punchier something, like, No, they only cared about how her bones tasted like KFC, even if they were made mostly of instant noodles and pocky.

- pg 1: the cries for help are a little cliche and boring. Maybe spice them up? 

- pg 3: I like it that the bones called to her

- pg 4: Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about the fight scene. I wonder if she couldn't have like....accidentally scared the monster off or something? It's so early that her powers just make her seem too strong to really latch onto, and I wouldn't mind a bit of vulnerability, if that makes sense? She's sold as an early college study, so I want...a bit more self doubt? She goes into that fight like a seasoned veteran without any really fear and it doesn't jive with how her age is shown earlier on

- pg 4: Her eyes struggled to adjust to the bright afternoon sun, and to continue seeing the world as a human would.  <-- I think it would actually read better if you cut from here to right when she starts reading minds. We already have a ton of worldbuilding. Let us marinate a while. Get used to things before more gets put on

- pg 5: how does she not recognize her honey-colored hair guy from the alley? This seems suspect. Although I'd rather she see him for the first time right in the classroom

- pg 6: It was the guy she’d saved last night <--- effect is lost when done like this, I feel. I'd prefer she sit on the bench, listen to a few thoughts, go to class and WHAM, there is Honey Man, smiling and chipper.

- pg 6: You can fall in my lap anytime. <--- *giggles*

- pg 7: Ghost-hunter-spy guy  <-- wait what? I thought he was just a random victim?? How do we know he is a ghost hunter? I must have missed something

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

I like the first paragraph with the Crunches interspersed between each sentence. It flowed well and carried weight. 

pg 1 - scabbard strapped to her thigh - if she's been wearing a dagger for any length of time, and I assume she has, wouldn't she have callused over?

pg 1 - I can't I wont - the dialogue tag there repeats itself

pg 2 - leave the human alone - this line makes me cringe inside. Why doesn't she just attack; why does she waste her element of surprise

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 26/04/2020 at 5:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I'm open to whatever other feedback you have. However, I'm still more focused on content than grammar, so I apologize if there are still some clunky sentence and typos.

Right. I'm going to not mention any grammar. No LBLs coming your way!

On 26/04/2020 at 5:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I kept changing my mind about where the fight scene was going to happen. At first it was an alley, but I thought that was too cliche, so I changed it to a construction site.

I like this idea. I think you're right in that alleys are big old cliché for fight scenes. Construction is a decent substitute although, if you're a fan of 70s/80s cop shows like me, there was a time when construction site was the cliché (along with alleys too: alleys have always been there). I'm in the middle of an excellent Rockford Files two-parter ATM. No building sites in last night's instalment, there was a racetrack though. Sorry, digress.

On 26/04/2020 at 5:35 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

Also, I love imagining fight scenes, but I'm not so good at writing them. Feel free to tear this one apart if you think it's worth keeping.

Deal.

(page 1)

- Decent first line. Slightly noir-y feel. I like it.

- I like the crunch punctuation. And I read right past a massive typo and only flinched once ;) 

- It's line level, but jogging and sprinting are not the same thing. Also, a doubt very much she has to leap over heaves and potholes. I'd think that it was more of case of having to time or alter stride pattern, unless the potholes are like two feet wide, which seems very unlikely. Urban authorities close off footways with those sizes of hole to avoid getting sued when folks fall in them.

- "in case a Demon tried to eat her" - I don't mind a bald and simplistic statement, which can have a kind of comic timing to narrative, but this one struck me as not achieving that. I know, style comment, but...

- The third paragraph with all the exposition and story catch-up material reads like a paragraph with a lot of exposition and story catch-up material. I think that needs to be way smoother, and spread out. (I don't like saying spread out, because I've had that crit--spread it out through the story. I mean... I don't want to spread it out, I want it here!) Anyway, I think it reads clunky at present.

- Heart thundering in chest: I score one in cliché bingo ;)   But, I do like her realising she doesn't know where she is, being drawn into trouble. Nice. She's disoriented: I am too, but in a good way where I know that excrement is about to descend.

- Wait, what? If she's wearing shorts, but she has to reach through the picket to get the knife, won't the knife be protruding below the shorts? This seems over complicated. I know nothing about this world, so Im guessing the deal is that having a knife strapped to your thigh is frowned upon.

(page 2)

- Nooooo!!! Call for backup!! Why do they never call for backup?!!

- I love cheese, so this dialogue is just fine with me. Sometimes, a direct, smack-in-the-face line just works. I'm happy with this as a general tone for the whole story. This is NOT intended as a negative feedback node, but someones you don't want Joss Whedon mega-dialogue fireworks. Let's just get on with the story :) 

- "stared at each other like wolves about to fight over prey" - Yes: love it.

- The thing that strikes me is indeed that I want a little more description. I've got a nice clear picture of the mechanics, but I want more description of the demon. What do they look like in this world. It was described as white/pale. Is it a skeleton, a ghost, a zombie? What is its physical appearance?

- "had comic book panels instead" - fabulous. Keep going, keep going!

(page 3)

- "or people like M and her family rescued them" - I wanted more attitude here, like 'M and her family picked up the pieces' or 'saved them from the frying pan'. Something colourful.

- "but the bones called to her" - I feel like I'm supposed to know what this means (if I've read PS), but I don't.

- "as the bones fused" - why was she telling herself she should not have done this? I don't follow.

(page 4)

- "Next time she couldn’t sleep" - Confused. I thought it was lunchtime?

- "and that it was an elective" - Don't believe you then need to go on and explain what an elective is.

- "Her eyes struggled to adjust" - But has she not being seeing the world as a human all her life?

- "dress made out of..." - Awesome!

(page 5)

- "Chocolate makes you feel better" - true dat.

- "They flew away" - ROFL.

- "life was too damned short" - What age is she, real or otherwise? In my experience, young people don't think in these terms at all.

- I like her reading the minds. That's a neat demonstration, and a good example of show don't tell. Conversely, the stuff about her sight on the previous page, I felt was pretty clunky and telling, and therefore hard to absorb.

- "images of code faded to the people walking by and the songbirds perched on a branch" - I don't know what this means. What's happening here?

(page 6)

- "It was the guy she’d saved last night" - I don't buy that she does recognise him straight away on seeing him. She spent long enough with him, and healed him too. I'm not convinced by this.

- "as he returned to the building" - Why did he come outside? Confused?

- "tangled around the pins on the girl’s messenger bag" - LOL, funny awkward moment... meet-cute?

- "She/her pronouns" - No problem at all with this conversation but, would people be more casual about this? The dialogue is very formal and correct here. I'm thinking something like 'Hey, I'm M. She/her.'  'Oh, hey. T----. She/her too.'

- Hmm. The mind reading... So, does she go around reading everyone's mind? It must lead to more potentially awkward situations like this. It must be a hindrance in many social situations. Can she not turn it off so she can just meet someone in a normal way, such as here?

(page 7)

- We've heard about the thick curls already. Repetition. (Oh, I know. LBL :P ).

- "It was the guy" - Yeah, really no surprise at all. I thought he'd be here when she got into the room.

- "he had the same name as her father" - I find the narrative around the TA thing a bit confusing. It didn't follow it that well first read. Also, if the guy has the same name as her father, doesn't she know him? I have no idea what her relationship with her father is, so I don't understand this point (yet).

- "he probably wasn’t as stupid as M thought" - When did she think he was stupid? I didn't get that.

(page 8)

- "A collective mental “no”" - This seems unlikely to me, if only statistically speaking. Theres always at least one who wants to get out in front go the rest, or get it over with, or just hear the sound of their own voice.

- "who were blissfully ignorant of the paranormal" - Hmm. Okay, I get where she is coming from, but that's not really innocence, and, even in her world, another more traditional sense of the word must exist.

(page 9)

- First couple of paragraphs on this page were a little bit quick fire. Could be smoother, for what it's worth (and no doubt will be after your next edit).

- "Had I said that outloud" - Oooh. I laughed when she said 'I'm not' out loud, but then the punchline only comes after she has said 'Straight' out loud, so the beat is missed. I strongly recommend you cut 'Straight' or rather move it, because it's spoiling the joke here. "I'm not." "Not what?" Sh1t, did I say that out loud?' I really think M needs to react straight after T comes back to her.

- "T thought" - Oh, wait, sorry. I read that wrong! But, I think it's the wrong way around. M is the one who spoke out loud and revealed she could read minds. M is the one who is tired, and likely to slip up. I think its way funnier if M is the one on the back foot, realising she his misspoken.

- "If she was struggling to parse out what T said out loud or thought" - No, there's a disconnect here. M does not respond as if she is struggling. This section is confused, IMO, and I think there is a much funnier version of it where T is in the right (which she is, because she didn't say it out loud), and M is the one who makes the mistake and is on the defensive.

- "Um, well, the GSA" - I don't know what GSA is, and I don't know who's line this is. I can work out it's T's, but I didn't really want to work it out by waiting till I had read the following line.

- "I’m already planning to" - Kind of cold response. I'd prefer if it was tagged the M didn't mean to be cold, but she was distracted. 

- I like the mental folders thing. Yes, there is something weird about him. I like it. I like the balance of stuff coming from Mi in terms of being enough to get my interest, but not work out straight away what his deal is. Oooh. Is he a big, big demon? That would be cool. I think there are enough hints here that his more than even he thinks he is.

- "She pulled her mind back to herself" - Clunky.

- "a mental wall of rocks" - could it not just be a mental wall? A wall of rocks is weird, and will have lots of little goes between the rocks, so not secure.

- Yeah, last line is clunky, for me. It has similar thoughts in it to the previous paragraph, so it doesn't zing, IMO. I think the closing lines could be much sharper.

Overall 

I enjoyed this a good deal. I managed to read through and not even get drawn into typos, etc., which was great. I think it read nice and quickly, I learned a bunch and--although there were a couple of clunky exposition sections--most of it came over pretty smooth. The fight was good, and I like where it came in the scene. For me, that's spot on. I do want some more description around it. Not necessarily the construction site (you could through in a couple more construction terms - happy to help with that), but with the demon itself. I suspect there are descriptions of demons in Book 1 that set out what these things look like, but I haven't read it (yet), so I need something more in that scene. I mean, white walker? Am I close yet?

I like M's voice, and I'm looking forward to spending so more time with her. Good start :) 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/27/2020 at 2:26 PM, Mandamon said:

Much better first chapter.

 

On 4/27/2020 at 6:04 PM, kais said:

A much stronger entry this time around

Yay!

 

On 4/27/2020 at 2:26 PM, Mandamon said:

but maybe a few things about how the demon moves in or away, and how Me reacts. It also gives better intent to the character feelings and direction to the scene.

Sounds good. I can work on that. :-)

 

On 4/27/2020 at 2:26 PM, Mandamon said:

--cool detail, but if she's used to carrying it, then would it still irritate her, or would it be comforting? Would she have built up a callous?

 

Good question.

On 4/27/2020 at 6:29 PM, Turin Turambar said:

pg 1 - scabbard strapped to her thigh - if she's been wearing a dagger for any length of time, and I assume she has, wouldn't she have callused over?

 

I need to think about whether this is actually how she would normally carry a weapon or if it is new. 

On 4/27/2020 at 6:04 PM, kais said:

The ending left me a bit meh, however. I thought the order of events was a bit off, and I think it would add more tension if she meets M for the first time in the classroom. Especially if they have a moment where he seems confused by her, even. 

Makes sense. I can take out the part where she sees him outside. 

On 4/27/2020 at 6:04 PM, kais said:

We still need some indication of B plot movement, though I think this time we actually have a B plot so it should be a pretty easy add for just a few sentences to show us where Me is going next?

Good idea. That would also hopefully make the end less meh. 

 

On 4/27/2020 at 6:04 PM, kais said:

- pg 4: Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about the fight scene. I wonder if she couldn't have like....accidentally scared the monster off or something? It's so early that her powers just make her seem too strong to really latch onto, and I wouldn't mind a bit of vulnerability, if that makes sense? She's sold as an early college study, so I want...a bit more self doubt? She goes into that fight like a seasoned veteran without any really fear and it doesn't jive with how her age is shown earlier on

Maybe I've channeled too much of the 22-year-old version of her into this scene. I just finished Evanstar Chronicles two, where she is a prominent side character and four years older. Your comment has me thinking this scene might be more how she would've reacted at 22, not 18. I'll adjust accordingly. 

42 minutes ago, Robinski said:

- Decent first line. Slightly noir-y feel. I like it.

 

Yay! That's what I was going for. While the romance plot is kind of fluffy, the b-plot has a has noir urban fantasy vibes that in my initial draft, didn't come out until...maybe half-way through? AKA way to late. I'm trying to thread them in sooner. 

48 minutes ago, Robinski said:

I know, style comment, but...

It seems like the bigger picture things are actually working, so the style comments are helpful. Of course, I didn't know that was going to be the case when I sent out the sub. 

52 minutes ago, Robinski said:

- "but the bones called to her" - I feel like I'm supposed to know what this means (if I've read PS), but I don't.

 

Mel is not the mc in PS, so having read it would not help you know what it means. 

What I was trying to show is that Mel can't always stop herself from healing people. The injury sort of fills her mind, she feels like it is talking to her or calling her to hear it. I'll think on how I can make this a little clearer.

59 minutes ago, Robinski said:

- "life was too damned short" - What age is she, real or otherwise? In my experience, young people don't think in these terms at all.

 

Hmm she is only 18, but she also is convinced she is going to die young, which I tried to hint at on page 1. 

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

- "A collective mental “no”" - This seems unlikely to me, if only statistically speaking. Theres always at least one who wants to get out in front go the rest, or get it over with, or just hear the sound of their own voice.

 

I guess I was thinking M was that one person, and she only hesitated because she was hiding from Mi. 

Though I have taught classes where there is a very long stretch of awkward silence before someone finally volunteers. 

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

- I like the mental folders thing. Yes, there is something weird about him. I like it. I like the balance of stuff coming from Mi in terms of being enough to get my interest, but not work out straight away what his deal is. Oooh. Is he a big, big demon? That would be cool. I think there are enough hints here that his more than even he thinks he is.

 

Yay! He is a character that has smallish appearances in the other books in this world. He is always more prominent in my first drafts, but then a lot of him gets trimmed out in revision. I'm excited to have him finally be on the page more. 

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

- "a mental wall of rocks" - could it not just be a mental wall? A wall of rocks is weird, and will have lots of little goes between the rocks, so not secure.

 

Makes sense.

This is how she turns her telepathy "off" -- you had asked about that in one of her earlier comments. But it takes effort to keep other people's thoughts out of her head like this, so she doesn't always bother. 

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

I managed to read through and not even get drawn into typos, etc., which was great.

That is a good compliment, especially from you. ;-)

1 hour ago, Robinski said:

I suspect there are descriptions of demons in Book 1 that set out what these things look like, but I haven't read it (yet), so I need something more in that scene. I mean, white walker? Am I close yet?

I will add more description of the demon. 

Yes, this is set in the same world as Evanstar Chronicles, but it is not actually part of the series, so it needs to read like it is a Book 1. As you go through, if you notice any other places where you feel like you are missing things because you haven't read my other books, please let me know. :-)

 

@kais @Mandamon @Robinski and @Turin Turambar Thank you very much for your comments! 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Robinski said:

- Wait, what? If she's wearing shorts, but she has to reach through the picket to get the knife, won't the knife be protruding below the shorts? This seems over complicated. I know nothing about this world, so Im guessing the deal is that having a knife strapped to your thigh is frowned upon.

 

I was thinking they were long shorts and it was a shorter knife. I actually had a line in my head about her complaining about the shorts being too long, but needing to hide the knife. Still, it might be easier for her to be wearing pants, and instead of complaining about the scabbard being irritating, she can complain it being too hot to run in pants. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I liked this chapter better than the first one as well. I loved the idea of the homemade sword with the CB characters on it but apart of me wonders if Marvel would be ok with its continual reference throughout the book. I know that mentioning something is ok, but that too much of it could be considered copyright infringeing.

Another issue I thought of was when M is talking about how paranormal I's get eaten or rescued. If it's a common occurance for them to have those things happen to them, how would they keep their mouths closed? Does M's family have a way to wipe/block memories?

 

I was also confused on M's whereabouts. It seemed like he went into the building ahead of her but was still late to her class?

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Mel is not the mc in PS, so having read it would not help you know what it means. 

Oops, my bad.

21 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

What I was trying to show is that Mel can't always stop herself from healing people. The injury sort of fills her mind, she feels like it is talking to her or calling her to hear it. I'll think on how I can make this a little clearer.

Right, I didn't really get that.

21 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Though I have taught classes where there is a very long stretch of awkward silence before someone finally volunteers.

I will defer to your superiors knowledge and experience :) 

21 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

especially from you. ;-)

:lol: <cough> Not they weren't there...I was being super disciplined.

21 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

if you notice any other places where you feel like you are missing things because you haven't read my other books, please let me know. :-)

Roger, wilco.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

On 4/29/2020 at 2:57 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

- "life was too damned short" - What age is she, real or otherwise? In my experience, young people don't think in these terms at all.

I can totally imagine a mature teenager saying/thinking that.

Edited by Turin Turambar
1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am late, but I am here! Didn't read the previous comments.

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1. "Jogging at midnight in an unfamiliar city was a terrible idea," Alright, so we're definitely hopping into a whole new chapter, not just revised.

Pg 1, "frost heaves" Today I learned about frost heaves.

Pg 2, "who was muttering equations" Interesting...this chapter so far feels completely different from the first. 

Pg 2, "had comic book panels instead" This is absolutely adorable!

Pg 4, "What was the B.O.P.?" What about the book??? Does that have to do with the B.O.P.? I am eager to find out...

Pg 5, "The Pixie" Yes! I'm so glad the Pixie made the cut!

Pg 5, "they would go away" Okay, make sure I've got this correct: A Pixie is "it" until M remembers C's name, in which case she switches over to "they" because "they" is the pronoun that C uses? Unless all of the pronouns are supposed to be "it" or "they", in which case changes might need to be made. 

Pg 6, "The classroom was a little warmer than the hallway" I swear, college classrooms only ever came in two temperatures for me: Montana in winter, or Miami in the summer. 

Pg 6, " a few fragments of blonde hair" I took note of this, as hair is often a powerful tool in fantasy books. I don't know if this is one of them, but still, habits die hard.

Pg 7, " fastened it with a hair elastic" I just want to note, as someone with tons of curls, who has a sister and a mother with curls, hair elastics get eaten. I typically have to cut them out of my hair :/ Scrunchies are a much safer option for curly hair. I doubt anyone without curly hair would even think about this, and I didn't even note this the first read-through. 

Pg 8, " he had the same name as her father" If this ends up being a romance...it is going to be very hard for me to avoid daddy jokes...I am so soooooorry...I will be good...

Pg 10, "towards Mi" Forgot the apostrophe for Mi.

Overall:

This chapter definitely feels more "first chaptery." It sets everything up and answers the questions I had from the first run-through. There's a hook, I have good questions (Who is Mi? What is the B.O.P.? What book?), M's motivations are clear. I found this chapter to be more serious than the previous draft, but I admit I miss the light-heartedness of the original draft. That's more of my personal bias, due the fact that I'm enjoying more light-hearted fiction at the moment. I hope the bacon pizza makes it into future chapters...

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/29/2020 at 0:01 PM, shatteredsmooth said:

I was thinking they were long shorts and it was a shorter knife. I actually had a line in my head about her complaining about the shorts being too long, but needing to hide the knife. Still, it might be easier for her to be wearing pants, and instead of complaining about the scabbard being irritating, she can complain it being too hot to run in pants. 

Adding in my two-bits, I was picturing basketball shorts, not those short-short gym shorts that give wedgies.

Something like this:

 Nike Shorts | Aeroswift Womens Basketball Nwt | PoshmarkNike Dri-FIT Women's Basketball Shorts. Nike SI

Not this:

Nike Women's 3'' Dry Tempo Core Running Shorts | DICK'S Sporting Goods

Although loose-fitting sport capris might work well too, and better than full-on pants.

Women Casual Sports Pants Running Casual Loose Harem Pants Femme ...

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Not many comments from me; I thought this was a solid first chapter. I like M’s ability to read thoughts and really appreciated the fact that the story distinguishes between “narrative” thinkers and those whose thoughts are more abstract. I do think you might be able to capitalize on the thought-reading thing a bit more than you do in this chapter, particularly between M and T since T looks to be an important character. The information M gets from mind-reading tends to repeat what the narrative has already established – it is abundantly clear that T finds M attractive – and if we get new or slightly different information instead, that may be an opportunity to set up more tension.

The only other thing I was a bit hesitant about – and I’ve been going back and forth on this since reading the sub – was M-protagonist reading M-the-TA’s mind. I get what the story as driving at with him just being grateful to be around innocent people and not whatever else he’s mixed up in, and that seems totally valid, but it was very near the borderline of “too much” for me. It read more like “this is an odd character” than “this character is involved in something odd” which I found deflated the intrigue a bit. I’ve been mulling it over and given that he just had a near-death experience I don’t want to say that it feels unrealistic, but it did stick out to me.

As I read:

P1 She imagined they were doubts being crushed beneath her feet.” Nice bit of insight into the character here.

P2 “...synced up with a memory in its victim’s mind…” Stumbled over this a bit. Is this something that it does as a matter of course? Is M using her knowledge to confirm that that’s what it’s doing? Without other context, I don’t know how to parse this.

P2 “igniting the drawings etched into.” Missing a word at the end of this sentence, I think.

Comic book knife: Awesome, but I have to know which Captain Marvel.

His fear, an image of…” This confused me at first because it seemed to have nothing to do with the actual scene in front of us. It didn’t start to make sense until the next paragraph when we learn that the person is stuck I n a memory.

Also, I’d be pointing out right now that most of what M is doing is a bad idea, but well, we had that first line, didn’t we. :D

p4 “It also made it easier not to get overloaded by extra sensory input.” This would make a lot more sense to me if it wasn’t M’s default way of seeing.

I like the “Twix wrapper” description of the P.

p4 “Gossamer rid wings” I’m not quite understanding what the word “rid” is doing here.

P5 “...and a skateboard clutched under her left.” missing word at the end of this sentence.

P6 “It was the guy she’d saved last night.” This was so obvious to me I was surprised it wasn’t obvious to M, since she’s both looking at him (although I was surprised when she didn’t express recognition upon spotting his “honey colored hair”) and diving into his memories.

P7 “As soon as the professor finished… his mind shifted” unclear antecedent here, is “he” referring to the professor or the TA?

Because of course he’s the TA. Of course he is.

Really like M accidentally responding out loud to people’s thoughts. I see excellent potential for AWKWARD here.

Good last line.

On 4/26/2020 at 9:35 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

 I changed it to a construction site. The description of that setting might be sparse.

I like the construction site, but I agree that the description is a bit sparse. It wasn't until M hit the excavator that I got a real sense that that's what it was.

On 4/27/2020 at 3:04 PM, kais said:

our hero should probably pay a bit more attention to the girl, too, and not just focus on M (if he is the eventual boink). 

I'd second this. There was a little bit of conversation where  it seemed like M and T might  get more flirty, or even that they were just developing more of a rapport, but it seemed to dissolve more quickly. Mi very clearly has more of Me's attention, even though it's not necessarily romantic attention at the moment.

Also, l don't know why, but I am l laughing forever at the phrase "eventual boink."

On 4/27/2020 at 3:04 PM, kais said:

I wonder if she couldn't have like....accidentally scared the monster off or something? It's so early that her powers just make her seem too strong to really latch onto, and I wouldn't mind a bit of vulnerability, if that makes sense

The scene as-is worked okay for me, actually. Given the rest of the chapter, I read that  her "hunting" life is business-as-usual, whereas going to college is the more daunting thing because it's so outside her experience. Made sense to me as a character bit. Although Me does seem to be quite powerful if she's a quarter human and can scare off a fully-fledged monster.

On 4/27/2020 at 3:04 PM, kais said:

It was the guy she’d saved last night <--- effect is lost when done like this, I feel. I'd prefer she sit on the bench, listen to a few thoughts, go to class and WHAM, there is Honey Man, smiling and chipper.

Agree. Our introduction to Mi seemed somewhat artificially built up. Even if she just missed the introduction because she was paying more attention to T, or  focused on shielding her thoughts, or whatever.

On 4/29/2020 at 10:41 AM, Robinski said:

- "as the bones fused" - why was she telling herself she should not have done this? I don't follow.

FWIW, as a different reader reaction, I interpreted this as set up for Me's magic use being complicated down the line. Especially with another line in there about M needing to learn how to use her powers before bad things happen.

On 4/29/2020 at 10:41 AM, Robinski said:

So, does she go around reading everyone's mind? It must lead to more potentially awkward situations like this. It must be a hindrance in many social situations.

I kinda wondered about this too. It does seem like it should be a pretty big social no-no. Which is not necessarily an argument  for M not doing it. ;)

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Silk said:

It read more like “this is an odd character” than “this character is involved in something odd” which I found deflated the intrigue a bit. I’ve been mulling it over and given that he just had a near-death experience I don’t want to say that it feels unrealistic, but it did stick out to me.

Definitely something I'll put some thought into. I was hoping the reader would get both the impression that he is odd and is involved in something odd. He also doesn't fully understand what happened the previous night and definitely doesn't realize he almost died. More about that in Ch. 2. :-)

14 hours ago, Silk said:

Comic book knife: Awesome, but I have to know which Captain Marvel.

 

Well, since this story happens four years before Power Surge (published 2018) the latest year it could be set in is 2014, years before the Captain Marvel movie came out. So it's not that one. I was imagining it as a combination of several comic versions of her, but not quite exactly like any of them. 

On 4/29/2020 at 7:44 PM, CherishLarain said:

but apart of me wonders if Marvel would be ok with its continual reference throughout the book.

I won't be mentioning it over and over again. I figure once I've described the knife once, I don't need to go into detail about it again. There is some cosplay in the book, but based on what I've seen in published books I'm hoping it won't be too much. 

14 hours ago, Silk said:

p4 “Gossamer rid wings” I’m not quite understanding what the word “rid” is doing here.

 

It was supposed to say "red" LOL

14 hours ago, Silk said:

Although Me does seem to be quite powerful if she's a quarter human and can scare off a fully-fledged monster.

Not all demons are the same. There are some Mel can defeat pretty easily, some that would absolutely murder her, and everything in between. This was one of the easier ones to kill. Do you think I should work in a sentence about this around when she's fighting it?

14 hours ago, Silk said:

Really like M accidentally responding out loud to people’s thoughts. I see excellent potential for AWKWARD here.

 

Good. :-)

14 hours ago, Silk said:

I kinda wondered about this too. It does seem like it should be a pretty big social no-no. Which is not necessarily an argument  for M not doing it. ;)

 

I think this will make a little more sense as the book goes on. Maybe. Hopefully.

I'll refrain from the wordy explanation I'm tempted to write out. :lol:

14 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Adding in my two-bits, I was picturing basketball shorts,

That is what I had been picturing when I wrote the scene. I can work in a few words to describe the shorts better. 

14 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 6, " a few fragments of blonde hair" I took note of this, as hair is often a powerful tool in fantasy books. I don't know if this is one of them, but still, habits die hard.

LOL

Harry Dresden would NEVER leave a piece of his hair in someone's pin. 

So far, in this universe, the only thing people have done with hair is use it to track others. I wasn't intending to set anything up with it, but I completely understand paying attention to it. 

14 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

found this chapter to be more serious than the previous draft, but I admit I miss the light-heartedness of the original draft.

This makes me think of something I've been grappling with throughout drafting this. There are some very light hearted chapters, and then bam someone tries to kill Mi or M fights a demon and things get really dark, and then off of a sudden its pizza and flirting and very light.

 

14 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

I hope the bacon pizza makes it into future chapters...

A lot of the things that were at the end of chapter 1 got moved to the second half of chapter 2. 

And unless it gets cut, there is a scene in a future chapter where M actually eats bacon pizza...and bacon ice cream. 

Thank you @Snakenaps @CherishLarain and @Silk!! 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I was hoping the reader would get both the impression that he is odd and is involved in something odd.

I mean, yes, but  it weirded me out enough that it took me out of the narrative a bit. May be just me if I'm the only one who flagged it, though.

7 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I was imagining it as a combination of several comic versions of her, but not quite exactly like any of them. 

(insert "thumbs up" emoji here)

7 hours ago, shatteredsmooth said:

Do you think I should work in a sentence about this around when she's fighting it?

Hmm. There's definitely nothing in the narrative so far that clues me into that. Personally I don't think I'd look too hard if that information came in later chapters, but I certainly don't think having it in chapter 1 hurts, and it might go some ways t o  addressing  @kais's comment about M's power.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.