Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Mandamon

20200420 - Fall of the Imperium Ch 10 - 5071 words - Sub 21

12 posts in this topic

Two chapters this week again! Thanks everyone for helping out with this. Both chapters are actually in the word count this time! Amazing.

SUB 21
Chapter 10, Back to S's POV. These are the last bits of his chapters I reworked, divided into two because of course they got bigger...

Previously:
S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time.
M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life.
Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone.
S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Overall

The start was a bit slow, and I was confused with the dialogue at the start. I understood what you were going for but it didn't quite snap the way I wanted it to. But by the time they were moving through the wall I was so there. There was great tension and I loved the bit at the end with S laughing! The interactions between the trio are priceless, as is the romance/tension dynamic. 

Generally though, I enjoyed this chapter a lot!

As I go

- epigraph: I was hoping this epigraph might also address the 'are they actually siblings' question I've always had about Ari instances. I did enjoy it, but wonder what it really told us? It seems like they're as individual as humans, so is it giving new information?

- pg 2: E appears from nowhere. I thought it was just S 

- pg 2: and a mass of lines crossed his vision, connecting everything with everything else. <-- this made me think of ley lines, weirdly

- pg 5: Breeders? As in, that species doesn't breed? This is a common insult hurled at straight people so I find it very amusing

- pg 11: 'clamper' as a role makes me chuckle. I guess that explains the breeder comment!

- pg 17: would’ve fallen backward had he been standing in air. <-- this sentence confused me. They were walking and his guide held him back. But there was still crystal there? Or was it meaning that there wasn't crystal there and he'd have fallen through empty space?

- I'm still a bit confused with the blocking. Are the creatures physically preventing them from connecting to the other end of the net? Or have they eaten the bridge?

- pg 23: you've got 'slewed' to a halt instead of 'slowed'

- pg 24: aww, I love that S laughs! That's such good character development for him!!

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt the opposite of Kai that this is a slow start. If you got rid of the ending of the previous chapter and just had chapter 10 with them gathering together and then leaving, the pacing was ok for me.

 

I am confused on their motives and why they are there, since S "was given time to think" (p. 4) but I am pretty sure its because I missed the first few chapters of review.

 

I also really enjoyed S's reaction. It felt very natural. I think many people would react that way.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A bit of a slow chapter, but I didn't mind it. Much clearer action this time!

The air situation in the wall is a bit confusing. I thought I remembered in the previous version that there was no air in the wall. In this draft here is mention before they enter that the N provides air, and then mention of a bubble but then they suddenly can't breath. Some clarification would be nice.

Thanks for sharing!

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks to @kais, @CherishLarain, and @Sarah B!

On 4/20/2020 at 10:34 PM, kais said:

The start was a bit slow, and I was confused with the dialogue at the start. I understood what you were going for but it didn't quite snap the way I wanted it to.

 

On 4/22/2020 at 1:04 AM, CherishLarain said:

I felt the opposite of Kai that this is a slow start. If you got rid of the ending of the previous chapter and just had chapter 10 with them gathering together and then leaving, the pacing was ok for me.

 

17 hours ago, Sarah B said:

A bit of a slow chapter, but I didn't mind it.

Interesting. I'll review this when I edit. Maybe just be the last round of tightening up will help this flow better.

On 4/20/2020 at 10:34 PM, kais said:

epigraph: I was hoping this epigraph might also address the 'are they actually siblings' question I've always had about Ari instances.

I sort of touch on this in a later epigraph, but I'll try to add another sentence or so here.

I need to make a file of all the epigraphs from all the Diss books...see if I've repeated or contradicted anything anywhere...

On 4/20/2020 at 10:34 PM, kais said:

- pg 5: Breeders? As in, that species doesn't breed? This is a common insult hurled at straight people so I find it very amusing

- pg 11: 'clamper' as a role makes me chuckle. I guess that explains the breeder comment!

Does that clear it up for you? WW is one of the genders that doesn't reproduce, but I can make it clearer if needed. I just love writing xyr so grumpy with their romance.

On 4/22/2020 at 1:04 AM, CherishLarain said:

I am confused on their motives and why they are there, since S "was given time to think" (p. 4) but I am pretty sure its because I missed the first few chapters of review.

If you came in after chapter 3, that's probably why.

18 hours ago, Sarah B said:

The air situation in the wall is a bit confusing. I thought I remembered in the previous version that there was no air in the wall. In this draft here is mention before they enter that the N provides air, and then mention of a bubble but then they suddenly can't breath. Some clarification would be nice.

Yep--can clarify in the text. The crystal can supply the oxygen and nutrients needed to survive for a short time, but there's not actually air in the wall. The bubble is referring to the magic their using. I'll clear all this up.

On 4/20/2020 at 10:34 PM, kais said:

I'm still a bit confused with the blocking. Are the creatures physically preventing them from connecting to the other end of the net? Or have they eaten the bridge?

Will edit. The creatures are creating a vibration that affects the crystal by waving their fins around, making it impossible to pass through.

Thanks all!

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a similar reaction to @kais. I found myself rereading some parts in the begining to make sure I hadn't read something wrong. I was getting a little impatient on the walk and just wanted to get to the wall.

We had a nice quieter scene with these character already, so I found myself wanting to get to the action sooner. 

Once the got in the wall, it was great.

The description of the Elg on the wall was awesome and terrifying! 

And I loved the little moments between the trio in the last scene.

"She grinned and...teeth were pointed." I loved this line and the whole moment surrounding it! 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks @shatteredsmooth!

3 minutes ago, shatteredsmooth said:

I had a similar reaction to @kais. I found myself rereading some parts in the begining to make sure I hadn't read something wrong. I was getting a little impatient on the walk and just wanted to get to the wall.

We had a nice quieter scene with these character already, so I found myself wanting to get to the action sooner. 

I looked back at it and the description does go on a bit. I think I combined things I had spread out over several chapters before. I can cut it down.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

I think I combined things I had spread out over several chapters before. I can cut it down.

That would work. At first, I liked the description better than I had at other times, but then I got bored with it. However, part of that could be because I've read those description before in other chapters, so it lacked the sense of wonder it might have had if it I'd never seen it before. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, I'm going to try and do this without LBLs, but I'm not promising anything. Need to get caught in time for next week!

(page 1)

- Good epigraph. My only thing is I'm not sure what enclave is being referred to.

- Who is the 'they' that ended up. It starts as if S is on his own. And what enclosure is it that's referred to?

- "You were not so insistent before" - Excellent. Glad someone is questioning this.

(page 3)

- "by their omission" - Not really clear what xy is getting at with this statement.

(page 4)

- "I have to take them through the wall" - Who's one is this?

- "brusque tone and lack of empathy" - LOL, I think Ori should get the credit for this :lol: 

- "made a noise" - What kind of noise? Much more evocative to see he grunted (or whatever).

(page 5)

- "It wouldn’t help to worry about them now. Once he’d found out they were alright, then he’d let himself worry" - This makes no sense to me. Once he knows they are alright, then he will worry about them? :huh: 

(page 6)

- "playing pipes, or a F beating drums, or something else" - I don't think I have ever had any sense of this.

- "dispersed to the h-worlds" - I don't see how this thought follows.

- "The P’s building" - Confused, I thought they were going to the wall? The way I read it, they were heading to this P house, but it turns out just to be local background. It's nice background, but I don't really feel invested in it when the characters have just got the momentum going. I did start to skim as it became more than half a page.

(page 11)

- Then, there is background on the Crack, then there is background on WW and the Pru. Having one background segment after another, after another is very slow, for me. It's interesting, but I feel it would come over better if these things were spread out and not all lumped together here when I want forward motion.

(page 13)

- "A family. That’s what we are" - I don't feel this at all. Has that group even been al together on the page at all? If they have, it's been for a very short timespan, I feel. I could maybe be convinced that S, E, I and O, R and C(?) might be considered a family, but Re and Kh have for the most part been in conflict with the group, quite significantly at times. I mean, I could believe that S, E and I could come to be a family, but this big group, I don't feel that.

(page 18)

- he took a step off the edge of the bridge and back into the endless crystal" - Confused. This makes is sound like S is outside the crystal on the bridge. Does the bridge come into the wall? I assumed it stopped at the surface of the wall, and that no part of the bridge was inside the wall. This wording implies that is the case, that there is no part of the bridge inside the wall, IMO.

(page 19)

- "breath trying to escape his body. They couldn’t be here. They had to get back" - I really do feel the tension, the panic, the pressure, Nicely done.

(page 20)

- "who was closer to her" - Who is her here?

(page 23)

- "like running through falling glass and rain and mirrors while underwater" - I like this *because* it makes not sense. Rain underwater? I get it!

(page 24)

- "at the expanse above him" - expanse of what? I need an image here.

(page 25)

- This last line--for me--is weak. They didn't go through the first time, really, so they can't go back through And En having the last word here does not feel sufficiently weighty to me. I think it needs to be S, and I think the line needs to be stronger.

Overall 

Good chapter, it worked pretty well for me, certainly the second half, but the first half dragged. They make a decision then set off, then we get not just one piece of background, but three pieces in a row. I was skimming by the end because I wanted to get on with the journey to the wall. Once we got there, I though that worked very well. It's been worked over two / three times now? It's really starting to zing, I like it.

Oh, and those LBLs I wasn't going to do... I haven't emailed them to you :lol: 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks @Robinski! I'll be looking forward to the LBLs you haven't done and aren't emailing ;-)

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- "playing pipes, or a F beating drums, or something else" - I don't think I have ever had any sense of this

A lot of this got added in later drafts to Seeds. I need to add some more in Facets, too.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

but it turns out just to be local background. It's nice background, but I don't really feel invested in it when the characters have just got the momentum going. I did start to skim as it became more than half a page.

(page 11)

- Then, there is background on the Crack, then there is background on WW and the Pru. Having one background segment after another, after another is very slow, for me. It's interesting, but I feel it would come over better if these things were spread out and not all lumped together here when I want forward motion.

Check on less background. This will get cut down to size.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

I don't feel this at all. Has that group even been al together on the page at all? If they have, it's been for a very short timespan

Yeah, I was iffy on this line. It might well get cut.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

- he took a step off the edge of the bridge and back into the endless crystal" - Confused. This makes is sound like S is outside the crystal on the bridge.

Also probably on the chopping block. There is some of the bridge inside the wall, but I either need to explain better or cut it.

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

I like this *because* it makes not sense. Rain underwater? I get it!

Cool!

3 hours ago, Robinski said:

Good chapter, it worked pretty well for me, certainly the second half, but the first half dragged. They make a decision then set off, then we get not just one piece of background, but three pieces in a row.

Yep. This is an artifact of cutting too much stuff from different chapters and lumping it together. Glad the overall intent seems to be working, though.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I'm so late! I didn't read any of the previous critiques, as usual, so forgive me if I beat any dead horses. 

Thoughts as I go:

Pg 1, "Maybe xy had.": Does WW sleep? Hmmm...

Pg 1/2, "My kind does not sleep as such." Well, that answers my question. 

Pg 2, "it’s sort of creepy you’re spying on me": Somehow, I doubt WW ever thought about what S would think about that. 

Pg 3, "they’re changing the area from how I remember it?" But if that is true, how is that affecting Area D? Are the Elg at Area D as well?

Pg 3, "But how did they stop the portal to Area D?": I love it when a character asks something I am wondering. 

Pg 3, "brusque tone and lack of empathy": It's funny how WW originally rubbed me the wrong way because of this, but now I like WW for the same reasons. 

Pg 5, " I’m not leaving the ones I love to possible death at their hands...feet": God bless you, S. I can understand WW's point, but I would have been incredibly surprised and disappointed if S had chosen to stay behind.

Pg 5, "the tendrils of doubt writhing up through his brain": Ugh, this reminds me of the Elg. Not sure if this is purposeful or not, but it worked for me.

Pg 5, " It wouldn’t help to worry about them now.": Reminds me of Newt Scamander, who said in Fantastic Beasts, "My philosophy is that worrying means you suffer twice."

Pg 6, "This city had a lived-in feel": I really like the next few paragraphs, because it makes me feel like I'm the one walking through the world. I appreciate a slow down in stories to give me a glimpse of the world around the characters (and me).

Pg 9, "Silent for the past day,": $5 says that this isn't going to last.

Pg 12, "hundreds of spawn until the least qualified of the little things die off.": Tactful, WW, tactful. Also, I would hate to be the caretaker of hundreds of babies. 

Pg 12, "Thank you for sharing," Yah, I'm not too sure how I would have reacted beyond this myself. WW is so beautifully tactless.

Pg 14, "that curmudgeonly old bird":  My favorite.

Pg 14, "H.D." Another favorite!

Pg 14, " And R." Oof.

Pg 15, " it was worried."...Worried...or sick?

Pg 16, "feeling the resistance of the crystal": I still wonder if the N is sick, not worried. Like a creature infected by parasites. A house being eaten by termites.

Pg 17, "There were shadows against the other side of the wall." Hmmm, the Elg? I am worried...

Pg 18, " Not one, not five, or ten, but hundreds." I thought something very much not accepted by this forum's code of conduct.

Pg 18, "a set of teeth bit off a chunk of the impenetrable crystal" Uh oh...Elg eat 1) Symphony 2) Crystal 3) People. That is not a good trifecta.

Pg 19, "there was no way to pass through" So...S can change matter...can he 

Pg 19, "THEN YOU HAVE FOUND" This sentence isn't cut up. This isn't Elg. This is Master Memory Wipe. I am immediately concerned. I'm pretty sure that S, I, and E have good plot armor to survive...but not WW. So I fear for my tactless friend. 

Pg 20, "Xy could hear it too!" My fear for WW has increased. I'm afraid xy will die, and S will left without answers on who Master Memory Wipe is. 

Pg 20, "THE BRIDGE": Now I am worrying about M and the Society. They better not accidentally build a bridge for MMW trying to bring back a Three House. 

Pg 20, " what part of this conversation xy heard": I wonder is xy hears the same converstation or another?

Pg 21, "who was closer to her" Do you mean xy? 

Pg 22, " It was unbreakable." Apparently, it's edible, though.

Pg 24, " the other end of the wall": Can the Elg eat all the way through the wall to the other facet?

Pg 24, "like a three-legged stool rolling on its side.": HAHAHAHA, oh my gosh, I love this. What a visual!

Pg 24, "S finally slowed to a halt"

Pg 25, "Xy was getting to xyr feet," Please tell me xy rolls back and forth first like a tortoise to get enough momentum to get up. 

Pg 26, "It was…fun.” This is when S turns into an adrenaline junkie.

Pg 27, "It said it was their creator." That wasn't what S heard... "Then you heard something different than I did." Oh, well, there we go.

Pg 28, "It gives me the creeps": That's an understatement.

Pg 28, "Is it something of the House of Time?" Maybe MMW is a part of the Apocalypse from the past? Can the House of Time be used to achieve immortality? Is MMW reaching forward from the past, like a time machine??? I don't expect any of these questions to be answered now, obviously. But this is what is going through my brain. 

I am incredibly curious to see how they managed to get home to everyone else! 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Thanks @Snakenaps! Your critiques are a delight to read!

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

"they’re changing the area from how I remember it?" But if that is true, how is that affecting Area D? Are the Elg at Area D as well?

You'll see pretty soon!

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

"brusque tone and lack of empathy": It's funny how WW originally rubbed me the wrong way because of this, but now I like WW for the same reasons. 

Cool! I had fun writing xyr in this book. Gotta have my curmudgeonly characters.

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 6, "This city had a lived-in feel": I really like the next few paragraphs, because it makes me feel like I'm the one walking through the world. I appreciate a slow down in stories to give me a glimpse of the world around the characters (and me).

Ha! Well got a like from one person on the description! I will probably cut this down a bit, just to get to the next part.

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 19, "THEN YOU HAVE FOUND" This sentence isn't cut up. This isn't Elg. This is Master Memory Wipe. I am immediately concerned. I'm pretty sure that S, I, and E have good plot armor to survive...but not WW. So I fear for my tactless friend. 

Pg 20, "Xy could hear it too!" My fear for WW has increased. I'm afraid xy will die, and S will left without answers on who Master Memory Wipe is.

Interesting thought...

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 24, "like a three-legged stool rolling on its side.": HAHAHAHA, oh my gosh, I love this. What a visual!

Lol...I had fun with this.

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 25, "Xy was getting to xyr feet," Please tell me xy rolls back and forth first like a tortoise to get enough momentum to get up

Well, xy's going to now...

11 hours ago, Snakenaps said:

Pg 28, "Is it something of the House of Time?" Maybe MMW is a part of the Apocalypse from the past? Can the House of Time be used to achieve immortality? Is MMW reaching forward from the past, like a time machine??? I don't expect any of these questions to be answered now, obviously. But this is what is going through my brain. 

I am incredibly curious to see how they managed to get home to everyone else!

You have good thoughts!

Thanks so much!

Edited by Mandamon
0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.