Short Story - Maya

[I think I am here.]

Hi!  So, I wrote a little sci-fi short story, under a few limitations such as it needing to have to a character arc in under 1500 words. Which was... tougher than I expected . Feel free to read and if you have feedback or any suggestions, I'd greatly appreciate it. Alright, enough rambling, here it is:

Maya:

Spoiler

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10nC2a2Ic1mCBxzZTN4S5_a388Q6lX9A-3LoJhjEdayE/edit?usp=sharing

 

[AonEne]

1 hour ago, I think I am here. said:

Hi!  So, I wrote a little sci-fi short story, under a few limitations such as it needing to have to a character arc in under 1500 words. Which was... tougher than I expected . Feel free to read and if you have feedback or any suggestions, I'd greatly appreciate it. Alright, enough rambling, here it is:

Maya:

  Hide contents

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10nC2a2Ic1mCBxzZTN4S5_a388Q6lX9A-3LoJhjEdayE/edit?usp=sharing

 

This might just be me, but I can’t see any words on the doc. Is it set to allow sharing? 

[+Sorana]

8 minutes ago, AonEne said:

This might just be me, but I can’t see any words on the doc. Is it set to allow sharing? 

It is. I had to open it on my computer, ot be able to read it. On my mobile it also only showed me a white background.

[AonEne]

4 minutes ago, Sorana said:

It is. I had to open it on my computer, ot be able to read it. On my mobile it also only showed me a white background.

Oof, I’ll have to wait until I have computer access then. 

Itiah, is it about Mayalaran, or is the name coincidental? 

[I think I am here.]

11 minutes ago, AonEne said:

Itiah, is it about Mayalaran, or is the name coincidental? 

Coincidental

Ah, that issue must because the text is coloured white (its supposed to appear on a black page). I’ll see what I can do about it.

[+Sorana]

Some general feedback:

I really liked it. It hooked my up quickly, and I was able to understand what was going on and to understand the character's action easily and quickly. It spoke to me and made me feel with them.

With a little more details, but not really sorted:

Spoiler

I have to admit in the beginning I thought, that Maya is living in the same body. But honestly, after rereading the whole text, I am pretty sure that this was solely my imagination, and wasn't based on the text, so don't give too much on that.

I liked the countdown, with the different lines in between from before and after the therapy, they set a nice border and summed his progress up very well. It also made for a great end, because it finished Thomas' arc and hinted at going on at the same time.

I know you only have limited words, but the brother was a little characterless to me. The doctor, although he took up less time on screen left a clearer picture of who he is than the brother. I'm missing a little bit of information about his motives, why he's paying for all these procedures especially if money is something they worry about, why he's forcing his brother to do all of it. Looking back I can't decide wether it's because he loves him, or because he's embaressed of his brother's crises, or for some other reason. I think a sentence could be enough to make that part a little clearer, maybe something is written is his face, or his tone hints at something.

Already mentioned the doctor, but I really liked him. The way he starts talking about the rats and how he remains calm despite the brother's arguments. You manged to portray him really well, gave him a face and gave me the possibility to grasp him.

There was one point that confused me a little. At the beginning of the dream, he looks down and sees the dark jar. Then, when Maya comes around, they talk and she hugs him, although I am not quite sure how this works with the jar. If he can move, then shouldn't he at least smear it all over the place?

More general again, but you really managed to capture emotion. I could feel with Thomas, I could understand what he is going through, why he is in the state he is. I could follow his dislike of the pills and his sceptism of the new therapy!

Great Job!

 

Edited April 19, 2020 by Sorana

[Kureshi Ironclaw]

Nice stuff! I like it a lot.

Highlights for me are the way you write dialogue. I think you're really good at conveying plot, setting and character through the dialogue. I think you could improve on your language just in the plain narrative. A few of your descriptions of character actions are a tad passive and could be improved so they do just as much heavy lifting as your dialogue.

Good job!

[Silva]

Tom...

Couple of things, none of which are major:

Spoiler

Early on, maybe the sixth new paragraph, you use quotes around "choice" and apostrophes around 'remedies'. And apostrophes around 'friends' in the previous paragraph. Unless the one use of quotes is intentional, you might want to fix that.

"Medical equipment that hung on the wall shook as he hit it." -- This felt stilted. 

On page 3, Tom is submerged in tar. Moments later he turns around with no difficulty. Does this tar have no real viscosity despite being described as "black, viscous tar"?

Last paragraph on page 5. There's a shift in tense that lasts for one sentence via "begin" instead of "began". 

This might be too literal , but at the end of page four, "A single tear rolled down her face." Adds to the emotional value, but ends up contradicted when Maya wipes tears without having cried more then one, five paragraphs later. 

 

[AonEne]

Spoiler

A couple grammar things which haven't been mentioned yet - in the sixth paragraph, "the counsellor that told me" should be "the counsellor who told me". Eighteenth paragraph has a comma at the end of the last sentence instead of a period. With "“But it did happen, Tom!” She called out", the she shouldn't be capitalized. "Meanwhile, other, fainter noises began to sound in his ears." His should be my, keeping with the first person perspective.

Other stuff - the repeated "told her" felt out of place in the rhythm to me. I liked the examples of innocent kid questions, it's a good way of showing how the condition of the world has been normalized by this time. Someone left a comment about how the sentence "Around me, my surroundings begin to shift." wasn't necessary, but I'd leave in the 'around me' as a transition. Tom's reversal of attitude felt abrupt and a bit too fast to me, but that was probably based on the fact that you had to have an arc in that many words, which was hard.

It was a good story!

Edited April 20, 2020 by AonEne

[I think I am here.]

On 19/04/2020 at 2:59 PM, Sorana said:

Some general feedback:

I really liked it. It hooked my up quickly, and I was able to understand what was going on and to understand the character's action easily and quickly. It spoke to me and made me feel with them.

With a little more details, but not really sorted:

Thanks a lot, Sorana! I wasn’t sure if all the emotion would be boring or a drag, so I’m glad you think it worked

On 19/04/2020 at 6:21 PM, Kureshi Ironclaw said:

Nice stuff! I like it a lot.

Highlights for me are the way you write dialogue. I think you're really good at conveying plot, setting and character through the dialogue. I think you could improve on your language just in the plain narrative. A few of your descriptions of character actions are a tad passive and could be improved so they do just as much heavy lifting as your dialogue.

Good job!

I’ll definitely retouch on in the character actions, I appreciate the feedback

On 20/04/2020 at 5:38 AM, Silva said:

Tom...

Couple of things, none of which are major:

  Reveal hidden contents

Early on, maybe the sixth new paragraph, you use quotes around "choice" and apostrophes around 'remedies'. And apostrophes around 'friends' in the previous paragraph. Unless the one use of quotes is intentional, you might want to fix that.

"Medical equipment that hung on the wall shook as he hit it." -- This felt stilted. 

On page 3, Tom is submerged in tar. Moments later he turns around with no difficulty. Does this tar have no real viscosity despite being described as "black, viscous tar"?

Last paragraph on page 5. There's a shift in tense that lasts for one sentence via "begin" instead of "began". 

This might be too literal , but at the end of page four, "A single tear rolled down her face." Adds to the emotional value, but ends up contradicted when Maya wipes tears without having cried more then one, five paragraphs later. 

 

I appreciate the specific feedback, it’s not too literal at all.

On 20/04/2020 at 8:55 AM, AonEne said:

  Reveal hidden contents

A couple grammar things which haven't been mentioned yet - in the sixth paragraph, "the counsellor that told me" should be "the counsellor who told me". Eighteenth paragraph has a comma at the end of the last sentence instead of a period. With "“But it did happen, Tom!” She called out", the she shouldn't be capitalized. "Meanwhile, other, fainter noises began to sound in his ears." His should be my, keeping with the first person perspective.

Other stuff - the repeated "told her" felt out of place in the rhythm to me. I liked the examples of innocent kid questions, it's a good way of showing how the condition of the world has been normalized by this time. Someone left a comment about how the sentence "Around me, my surroundings begin to shift." wasn't necessary, but I'd leave in the 'around me' as a transition. Tom's reversal of attitude felt abrupt and a bit too fast to me, but that was probably based on the fact that you had to have an arc in that many words, which was hard.

It was a good story!

Thanks, Ene! You’re right with leaving in ‘around me’ as a transition. It definitely works better than cutting it out altogether, I think