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Robinski

Robinski - 200331 - TCC Chapters 1F and 20 (30 and 31) - 3967 words (L)

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Ha, well, it would not be me submitting if it wasn't late, right? In my defence, it is only 7 days after my last submission.

So, here are the last two chapters of TCC. I'm ready. Let me have it!

(p.s. The help y'all have given me with this over the last almost three years since the first submission first time around (June 2017) is incalculable. I cannot thank you enough, but I will do my best to show it, and tell it too.)

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Wow. Great pay off!

The only think I caught is Q's name is typed as Quack right after the first page break.

My only frustration was the reminder of Ei the android. He/it was so prominent in the beginning and then disappeares at the sherif's office to maybe return later. I was waiting for him to show up in some form, and then I forgot about him entirely. The fact that he doesn't come back or play onto the story but is brought up multiple times at the end feels like foreshadowing that doesn't pan out. I do like the new android though, as a fittingly strange female roll model for M.

So many cute Q and M lines, borderline sappy but I'm good with it because they've earned it :-)

Glad to read it, but sad to see it end.

Thanks for sharing!

 

 

 

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Hey Sarah, thank you for reading, and thank you for sticking with it. Really appreciate all your comments to bring us to this point :) 

2 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Wow. Great pay off!

:D 

2 hours ago, Sarah B said:

The only think I caught is Q's name is typed as Quack right after the first page break.

Ah, that's M being M. In Book 1, around the time that they first met, she went through a spell of calling him all sorts names starting with Q, most of them less complementary than 'Quack'.

2 hours ago, Sarah B said:

My only frustration was the reminder of Ei the android. He/it was so prominent in the beginning and then disappeares at the sherif's office to maybe return later. I was waiting for him to show up in some form, and then I forgot about him entirely. The fact that he doesn't come back or play onto the story but is brought up multiple times at the end feels like foreshadowing that doesn't pan out. I do like the new android though, as a fittingly strange female roll model for M.

Hmm. This is a good comment. I will see how this plays out with the others, but I sympathise with that you say. Ei is rather abandoned by the story. In this moment, I am not sure what to do about that.

2 hours ago, Sarah B said:

So many cute Q and M lines, borderline sappy but I'm good with it because they've earned it :-)

That's certainly me, borderline sappy :lol: 

2 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Glad to read it, but sad to see it end.

I think that must be exactly what I was hoping for :) 

2 hours ago, Sarah B said:

Thanks for sharing!

It's been a real pleasure. It's just so much better as a draft. Thank you again for your part in that!!

I'll set it aside for a spell and write something different. I've got a couple of things on the slate (novelette length stories, one of them TBB) then I think I'll work on editing some shorts and subbing them out.

Hoping to read more of your stuff some time. (No pressure.) :) 

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Overall: This was a good wrapup, but I'll echo @Sarah B that I had completely forgotten about the android, so bringing him up along with the replacement was not as powerful as it could be. In addition, I'm not sure why the pilot was the focus in the last chapter. She was only in one or two chapters near the beginning, wasn't she? I'd rather have had more time with Q&M building a relationship before M goes off. I still had this vague sense of unease the whole first half, waiting for something else to happen with N. I guess that's going to be left for a later story, and hopefully the changes the couple chapters before this will clear it up.

Thanks for sharing this whole thing with us! It's been a great journey!

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "Perhaps Q would never know. Perhaps."
--hmm...I either want some sign of what happened here, or a bigger try/fail with killing N. This still seems unfinished to me.

pg 3: "she contributed to the… project"
--ick.

pg 3: "I’ve run from it for five years."
--I think we've covered it in the previous chapter, but I think there needs to be a lot more setup to show what exactly Q ran from, and how N is older than 5.

pg 4: "A news broadcast on a national network had included his name, present location, place of residence, and a reference to life after death."
--huh? I really had to go back and read 3 or 4 times to catch all this, and I still don't remember where Q lives. I guess it's probably a warning, but I don't know if I would have caught all that even if it was about me.

pg 4: "So, it seemed he had achieved his goal."
--thaaaats jumping to conclusions a bit.

pg 4: “Hey, turn that frown upside-down, honey,”
--uh, would E ever say this, even joking?

pg 5: "The FBI had kept Eighty"
oh yeah...I sort of forgot about him.

pg 7: “The sheriff in absentia,” M added, “not the acting sheriff.”
--Is K on leave? Why is he there, then?

pg 10: “It’s a Tiger Moth,” 
--I'm not sure what this is or why it's better than the previous plane.

pg 10: “My designation is"
--So are they going to go through an android per book?

pg 12: "No, they talked openly about how they felt about being laid so low physically,"
--I feel like this would be a better resolution than showing that they paid back a side character from twn chapters ago.

pg 15: good roundup at the end, and I like the last line!

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14 hours ago, Robinski said:

'.

Hmm. This is a good comment. I will see how this plays out with the others, but I sympathise with that you say. Ei is rather abandoned by the story. In this moment, I am not sure what to do about that.

 

This might be a terrible idea but I'll mention it anyways:

Could N hijack Ei's android body? Maybe just an aside when they go to the sheriff's office that their Android ran off. Then later they get a call from Ei? 

Feel free to ignor :-)

 

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I AM EXCITED!

Overall

Generally I found that a very satisfying ending, especially the last chapter and a great end line. Some minor nitpicks below. M remains the best, and I like the detail you gave E. Also good emotion there from Q, in regards to M and his son. I'd be well ready to go into the next book with an ending like this, especially as the Q/M relationship continues to evolve. Of course, I had hope that E would join the team. Going to just carry that hope on.

Unlike the others, I liked the android line. I remembered M's feelings over losing 80, and I liked the plane addition, too, though there were a number of other wrap ups they could have done, as well. Was there a reason that particular one was wrapped up? Is that woman a player in future books?

 

As I go

- pg 4: A news broadcast on a national network had included his name, present location <-- I'm confused. The one above didn't have that information, right? What is he talking about?

- pg 4: oohhhh, wait. I got it. Check

- pg 6: oh nice work on that line with E maybe looking for T's hand!

- pg 6: of Quack’s <-- typo??

- oooh wait, POV switch. I see

- pg 9: I LOLed at 'half-queer'

- pg 9: I love M

- pg 10: I love the biplane gift, but how do they have that much money? And if they do have that much money, why do they work at all??

- pg 10: shaking loose shoulder-length platinum tresses which blew about in the chill breeze <-- this is definitively not M's POV. Sounds like Q

- also... If M bought this very pretty android... I'd think she'd have a lot of smug feelings about it and would be watching Q's response carefully. I want to read about it!

- pg 12: I guess that answers some of the money questions, but again, why work if they are so loaded?

- pg 13: Her feet are TINY if she is that tall! How does she walk?? I'm 5'6" and my feet are 10.5, for reference. Now that's large, true, but 8-9 would be normal for that height for sure

- LOVE that end line!!

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First off, I’m sorry to see the story end, it was a lot of fun. Looking forward to reading the next one.

 

Message from N: I found it interesting how Q. caught all those subtle hints and drew the conclusion that the broadcast was a message from N.. I caught on that it might just be from N. due to the device suddenly spouting the message without any users nearby, and the use of Q.’s name, but I didn’t get the reference of their home from the mention of H. until it was mentioned again later in context – I’m trying to remember if H. was ever named in this book, but I can’t recall.

 

Five years: This made me pause for a moment, because in my headspace I thought it was closer to twenty years ago that Q. bailed. The N. we saw in the past few chapters was quite bit older than a five year old (mentally, if not physically) after all.

Thinking about it that might be because of the experiments, or perhaps being a c. caused him to mature faster, but I remember N. saying he remembered his mother, remembered Q. leaving, and looking to TOM for love before being experimented on and getting stuck in a cell. That’s a lot to have happened in just five years.

 

Deputy: I must admit, I didn’t see it coming that E. was going to stay around in Y. and be a deputy there for a bit. But it makes sense that she’d want to take step back from what she’d been doing and maybe make a little amends.

 

Project involvement: Back when Mor. blackmailed T. into doing his bidding all those chapters ago he used her relationship with E. to motivate her, which I thought at the time was a little weak, since that might cost her, her marriage only. Whereas if he (also) threatened to leak hints of her involvement with the experiments on N., that could lead to serious jailtime, loss of any licenses she had, as well as her marriage.  

 

Nat: Oh, yeah, I kind of forgot about her. Nice to see them paying her back for the plane they broke, though really she only has herself to blame, because she should have known that was a possibility when she lend it to two fugitives. Probably why she’s so angry, not just at Q. but at herself too. It does bring me to my next point.

 

Trust fund: How much money is there in the trust fund, because they spend quite a lot of it throughout the book to replace some very expensive things they stole and/or broke over the course of the story. Makes me wonder why they keep working these jobs. With that kind of money they could be living a comfortable life somewhere.

 

Banter: Still loving the banter between Q. and M., though the sudden way M. called Q. Quack in the narration made me wonder if that was a typo at first, because I don’t remember her doing that in the rest of the book.

 

Sheriff in absentia: He’s not really absent though, is he, when he’s right there in the office? I thought that was a little strange, since he was hurt and needs to recover.

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So a few people mentioned the "if they have that much money, why do they work" but the money had come up a lot in the story and I honestly thought they just worked because Q would be bored otherwise, that he worked because it was his passion. And in the case of the one he just finished? That one had been personal. 

At first, I felt a little adrift in the cafe scene. The part with Eve was nice.  I was a little distracted, wanting concrete details about what happened with the charges. I got that info in the next scene.

The broadcast was a nice touch. On the first read through, I picked his name out of it, but had forgotten his place of residence, so the complete significance of it didn't land for me until Q explained it, but that is mostly from WRS, I think. It landed perfectly when I reread the scene.

I loved going back to M's POV in the second part of the chapter. 

The part with the pilot felt a little plopped in there. I hardly remembered the pilot as she had such a small amount of time on page. I wasn't sure how much that scene was needed, though the arrival of M's my robot was a nice touch. 

There was a great last line.

But isn't M a little young to just leave home alone with a robot for a few weeks? 

Going back to where I started, I can see Q having money and taking jobs because he is the type of person who needs to work to stay sane, but leaving M alone after everything just happened doesn't sit right with me especially since financially, he could afford to take a couple weeks off. 

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Thank you all for commenting again, and for all your wonderful, insightful and extremely helpful feedback through this submission 'saga'. It's a great sign, I think, that I am actually burning to dive right back in at the start of the story and beginning editing again, but I am going to be disciplined, and plan set TCC aside for a couple of months to let all these excellent editing ideas mature.

I'll keep trying to tell you how much help everyone has been. Yous; are; the; best.

_thumbs-up.jpg.b26f0f9e54e7bad98eba8eb63cf49059.jpg

p.s. detailed response to this feedback in the next day or two, I hope :) 

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Unless this is indicative of more political meddling, or maybe N altering the message to suit his weirdo desires, I’m having a really hard time swallowing the idea of a government being lauded for blowing up a building.

I thought “q...k” was an odd word to use in the context of this election polling update, so I’m glad Q picks up on it right away. And I like that we have a hint of what might be coming with N leaving coded messages. I’m not sure the political subplot is wrapped up quite satisfyingly, since I don’t think we ever quite understood the stakes beyond the fact that somebody wanted to win an election for Reasons, and now they have.

P4 “convivial with a bullet” not sure why this is italicized?

Does E have the background to work in law enforcement? I’m fuzzy around how the whole US deputizing process works, admittedly, but this is stretching credulity for me. It is most certainly not how things would go down in the current RCMP.

Relatedly, and I know I’m harping on this, sorry, but it’s been what, less than a month since the events in Gen went down? That is an awfully quick investigation to clear Q and M of the rap sheets they’ve accumulated, and most likely police would press charges first and drop them later. Plus, what about the charges that weren’t cleared? “We’ll just buy her a new plane” probably satisfies the person making the complaint, but it doesn’t necessarily make the criminal charge go away. Unless law enforcement has shifted drastically towards restorative justice in the year of 2099.

“After a short battle with deductive reasoning…” I love the line, but it seems more in keeping with Q’s voice than M’s. M would be likely to be much more direct, I would think.

“Now, give our friend W a tinkle…” Oh M. Never change.

P9 “it’s loud, gruff” should be “its”

Oh yeah… Ei. This seems a little understated.

In light of M’s (entirely reasonable) comments that getting a new android wouldn’t be the same, I do like that we’ve made this a new character and not another incarnation of Ei. But, this doesn’t seem to be a surprise meant for Q as much as M getting a gift for herself.

Those last few lines. My heart.

On 3/31/2020 at 11:18 PM, Sarah B said:

My only frustration was the reminder of Ei the android.

Yeah, I'd echo this too. The suggestion of having N hijack Ei's body could be a gut-punch and potentially a fun idea, but that's more for a future book than this one...

On 4/4/2020 at 10:54 AM, Asmodemon said:

Thinking about it that might be because of the experiments

I believe there was a line somewhere earlier in the narrative that suggested this, or at least this reader is convinced that I encountered it somewhere, so personally I had no trouble with this.

On 4/7/2020 at 10:29 AM, shatteredsmooth said:

The part with the pilot felt a little plopped in there. I hardly remembered the pilot as she had such a small amount of time on page. I wasn't sure how much that scene was needed, though the arrival of M's my robot was a nice touch.

Yes to both of these comments.

I'm agnostic on the "why do they work" question. Q certainly seems like the type to want to keep working, but  they have been through some really traumatic stuff. the thought of just retiring doesn't cross their minds? At all? I suppose that money is properly M's, but still.

Would it be silly for me to congratulate you on finishing the draft months after the fact?

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