Robinski Posted March 24, 2020 Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 Hello all, I hope you are well and safe, and able to use any enforced layover to unleash the creative juices in a bid to remain sane!! If you don't have that time because you are on the front line of this situation, I salute you, and send you best wishes. Here is the penultimate submission of TCC. In terms of word count, I could just about have sandwiched the last two chapter and the epilogue into one submission of circa 5,300 words, but I just can't edit fast enough to do that and get something out close to Monday, so, here's a short one, with a final chapter a epilogue to come on next Monday, all things willing. Many thanks for reading, and for any comments that you may have to offer. Much appreciated. Best wishes, Robinski (p.s. 14 pages and circa 3,800 words to go after this!! ) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted March 24, 2020 Report Share Posted March 24, 2020 This is good wrap-up, but I'm left waiting for the other shoe to drop. After last chapter, I was almost certain there was going to another boss fight "in his final form!" as an electronic entity. There's also the big question of Q's various criminal charges, now K is injured/dead. Are these things tie-ins to the next book? If not, I'm thinking we may need a little more closure from those two plot threads to really tie things up. And this just struck me: we never see TOM through the whole book, and I suspect the calls from him were from N as well. That means we never are actually in contact with the main villain. Especially with DM being killed off-screen, I want a little more Victory! and Punch the Bad Guy to cap things off. Maybe even just a (real) call from TOM, now that N is currently indisposed. Notes while reading: pg 2: "then put on her back" --patted her on the back? pg 2: "unable (No, be honest, unwilling)" --Is this talking about in the past, or just now? pg 3: "Medics in bio-suits" --When did they get here? How? I didn't think it had been that long between Moth shooting and now. pg 3: "Her dark blue crime scene garb." --not a complete sentence. pg 3: "wouldn’t have survived this" --except T might have helped in genetic experimentation on a human? I doubt she's going to be a free woman for long. pg 4: "but he’d never known N" --This seems to jive with what I remembered, that Q really didn't have anything to do with his son and didn't even really know he existed. This makes it hard for me to see him as taking any blame for this. It's all on TOM. pg 4: "alpha Thing in a galactic internet" --very much want an answer to this... pg 7: I like the quote at the end! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah B Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 Happy and sad to read the end. Very clearly giving readers some resolution and 'falling action'. I like the ominous hint of N coming back Lawn Mower Man style :-) A couple things I caught: Paragraph 4: the actions are a bit confusing here, I'm not sure what is happening to M. Rescue has been a major element in the story, it would be nice to see some more resolution for the rescued. Also It feels like T having something to do with making N what he was/is was a big revelation that got lost in the shuffle. Unless perhaps its foreshadowing for the next story... Thanks for sharing! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killersquid Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 p2 "He stared at her for long moments as her shoulders jerked then put on her back before changing his mind and pullingher into a hug." Then put on her back? am i misreading this sentence or does it not really make sense? p3 "Her dark blue crime scene garb. " feels likea floating half-sentence “This was a rust-show and no mistake. I’m going to have to insist on approving all potential cases from now on.” who's saying this? i think it's M but not sure, though it might be clear from the voice used and that i'm just not catching on cause i've only red t he last 3 chapters, i don't see it mentioned in the other feedbacks so probably clear enough, but felt like i needed to mention it p4 i absolutely love the casual talk in the eleveator at the start. makes them feel really human, not able to process yet so postponing even thinking about what just hapened as much as possible "Q blew out abreath as his chemical rush gave way to all-pervading pain." Blowing out a breath? feels like a weird phrasing choice "Q considered wording a terse email to Calvin Kline about the lamentablethermal properties of their boxers" Did you mistype Klein or is it meant to be a joke? It did pul me out of the story though, ina full on sci-fi shitshow in a far future or different world and suddenly CK boxers? p5 "Don’t forget I’m gay,” E said, managing a smile." This feels out of place, the time for the joking has alreaddy passed in my opinion and this feels a bit awkward regardless. "blankets around him ill-fitting" blankets don't really fit do they? they cover sure but they don't fit. "It resolved into a hulking olive drab brute thatwhispered to a stop in front of them" hulking brutes don't normaly whisper, feels weird to me p6 "held to keys to their fate" THE keys p6-7 so what DID they stop for? except to give the reader a nice view of the explosions Good piee of writing, looking forward to the final chapter and conclusion. Definitely feels like you're closing out character arcs, which is something that annoys me greatly when not done so thank you for that 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 On 3/24/2020 at 10:35 AM, Mandamon said: This is good wrap-up, but I'm left waiting for the other shoe to drop. After last chapter, I was almost certain there was going to another boss fight "in his final form!" as an electronic entity. There's also the big question of Q's various criminal charges, now K is injured/dead. Are these things tie-ins to the next book? If not, I'm thinking we may need a little more closure from those two plot threads to really tie things up. And this just struck me: we never see TOM through the whole book, and I suspect the calls from him were from N as well. That means we never are actually in contact with the main villain. Especially with DM being killed off-screen, I want a little more Victory! and Punch the Bad Guy to cap things off. Maybe even just a (real) call from TOM, now that N is currently indisposed. I agree with most of this. I get the feeling we haven't see the last of N, and if there isn't more of him in this book, then I'll be expecting it in the third one. As for TOM, yeah, he was in the background always but never present, unless he is going to make an appearance in the next chapter. Re the criminal charges, I'm assuming that will be dealt with in the last chapter? Other than being left with these questions and the feeling that this isn't over yet, I did like this chapter. There was a lot of emotion, and I loved how it resolved some of the tension between Q & M. There were some cute moments between them here. As I read: "Her blue crime scene garb." is something missing? This feels like half a sentence. "This was a rust-show and no mistake..." Who says this? Sounds like M but not 100% sure. "Our job is to get you out of harms way.." Did the feds even know they were down there? That were injured? My first impression was that the feds were rushing in to arrest them, but then they already seemed to know people were inured. Maybe they were watching on a camera N hadn't disabled? "...a terse email to..lamentable thermal properties...boxers..." This line made me laugh. Nice touch of humor to lighten things up a bit. "He sniffed. 'Well, you got me there.'" This ends a very nice moment between Q and M. I'm looking forward to reading the final installment, but I'll miss Q & M when this is over. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kais Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 Overall A good start to the wrap up but as others have said, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels like this is the start of another try fail cycle, where the stakes are raised, not the almost end. Also E tracked hetero in this so I offered some Deep Insight into lesbianism. Try not contain your excitement. On 3/24/2020 at 7:35 AM, Mandamon said: And this just struck me: we never see TOM through the whole boo I'd like this, too! As I go - pg 2: M killing Q's son is just SO MUCH SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO PROCESS LATER. - pg 3: the 'starting tomorrow' line is fantastic - pg 3: I stalled out on the descriptions of the FBI. One is a super plane woman, and the rest aren't described so... are they men? That would make sense, that lack of description, if Q were hetero but he's pretty cannon not so I'd expect a similar commentary on everyone coming in: a guy needed a shave, and the third one looked like she hadn't slept in a month. or something equally disparaging for everyone - pg 3: wait. WAIT. When did E find T? Where was this scene? I WANT THIS SCENE. I am deeply emotionally invested in E and want at least a hug between her and T that makes Q uncomfortably question his sexuality while also being turned on - pg 4: I'd like Q to linger a bit more on the his son being a hellspawn of the internet now. That's big and I need more more emotions - pg 5: This interplay is a bit off: “Don’t forget I’m gay,” E said, managing a smile. “Yes, ma’am.” She's talking like a straight woman with the gentle reminders and coaxing language. Suggest instead: "Still gay, *expletive name calling*. But have her do it kind of under her breath, so it's clear she's gently reminding and not reprimanding - pg 5: Would M not use stronger language than 'poo-poo'??? - pg 6: Yeah WHY is E with them and not with T??? - pg 6: if the lab got trashed then T wasn't there so WHY is she not with them in the truck? Lesbians hard core nest. If my girlfriend had been missing and I found her in a Super Secret Lab (E is a power femme which means she's got a pretty assertive streak, so this should track similar but not wholly what I would do), this would be the order of events (noting your current world) 1) anything broken/infected? 2) Emotional check in 3) kissing 4) let's go check on the others (drags GF along) 5) pause in corridor to kiss and/or cop a feel of backside while running 6) help with Big Boss Fight while telling GF to stay down and away 7) upon completion of Big Boss Fight, check on M, slap Q on the shoulder, retrieve GF. Repeat steps 1-3. 8) in truck driving away, snuggle/have her sit on my lap/wandering hands and maybe some emotional crying and probably whispered dirty talk about getting her home and cleaned up Point being, she wouldn't leave me sight and there would be EMOTIONS. Lesbians deeply love emotions. It's a little known fact that while the human race requires water and sugars to survive, the lesbian portion can survive solely on OMG ARE YOU OKAY TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS - I do like the end bit 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 Hey, thanks so much for reading. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: This is good wrap-up, but I'm left waiting for the other shoe to drop. After last chapter, I was almost certain there was going to another boss fight "in his final form!" as an electronic entity. Interesting, and yes, I can see that I might need to deal with that now rather than just leave it hanging. Not sure I'll say anything more than that at this stage. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: There's also the big question of Q's various criminal charges, now K is injured/dead. Are these things tie-ins to the next book? If not, I'm thinking we may need a little more closure from those two plot threads to really tie things up. Noted. I'll come back to this one too after you've read next week's submission. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: And this just struck me: we never see TOM through the whole book, and I suspect the calls from him were from N as well. That means we never are actually in contact with the main villain. Especially with DM being killed off-screen, I want a little more Victory! and Punch the Bad Guy to cap things off. Maybe even just a (real) call from TOM, now that N is currently indisposed. Ooh. That's a good idea. I don't have that presently, but I think I will put that in the next chapter. Good shout! On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 2: "then put on her back" --patted her on the back? Yes, typo. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 2: "unable (No, be honest, unwilling)" --Is this talking about in the past, or just now? The past really. I've underlined it. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 3: "Medics in bio-suits" --When did they get here? How? I didn't think it had been that long between Moth shooting and now. I've hung a lantern on it at least. The authorities were mobilised against the building, so these guys were not far away. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 3: "Her dark blue crime scene garb." --not a complete sentence. Bad editing on my part. Tidied up now. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 3: "wouldn’t have survived this" --except T might have helped in genetic experimentation on a human? I doubt she's going to be a free woman for long. Yeah, I've changed the emphasis here, and introduced more doubt in E's reactions/body-language. On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 4: "but he’d never known N" --This seems to jive with what I remembered, that Q really didn't have anything to do with his son and didn't even really know he existed. This makes it hard for me to see him as taking any blame for this. It's all on TOM. On a logical level, I agree, but I'm aiming for Q being in a maelstrom of self doubt about now. I think I'm happy enough with the reader sitting there saying 'It's not your fault, Q, it's the old man.' On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 4: "alpha Thing in a galactic internet" --very much want an answer to this... Noted! On 24/03/2020 at 2:35 PM, Mandamon said: pg 7: I like the quote at the end! I worried that it was too on the nose, but it's just soooo good, and I feel I can get away with it, because m calls it back to N using that one (best known) line from Shelley's poem. And it is, so often, used in the wrong context, without the irony that is absolutely central to the full piece. Actually, there is what might be considered a companion piece (although much lessor in stature--meaning no disrespect to the author--on Blogspot somewhere, called Ozymandias Replies. Really quite clever, apart from one word, that I hate. Great comments, thank you so much. I've taken at least one, more like two ideas from them, which is great! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 Hey, Sarah, so pleased to have your comments, as always! On 25/03/2020 at 4:35 AM, Sarah B said: Happy and sad to read the end. Only one more sub to go this coming Monday, assuming I get my 'act' in gear. I am still working. On 25/03/2020 at 4:35 AM, Sarah B said: Very clearly giving readers some resolution and 'falling action'. That's good! There's one more chapter, then an epilogue to go. I've got quite a bit to do to the chapter. Might be Tuesday before I get it posted. The epilogue though, I'm going to post as-is, I think, because I've actually been over it numerous times, because I just love it On 25/03/2020 at 4:35 AM, Sarah B said: I like the ominous hint of N coming back Lawn Mower Man style :-) On 25/03/2020 at 4:35 AM, Sarah B said: Paragraph 4: the actions are a bit confusing here, I'm not sure what is happening to M. Yup - when editing goes bad Thanks. On 25/03/2020 at 4:35 AM, Sarah B said: Rescue has been a major element in the story, it would be nice to see some more resolution for the rescued. More is coming! One more chapter to go On 25/03/2020 at 4:35 AM, Sarah B said: Also It feels like T having something to do with making N what he was/is was a big revelation that got lost in the shuffle. Unless perhaps its foreshadowing for the next story... I'm afraid not. It was actually me just completely blowing that from a storytelling viewpoint. I dropped that in an earlier draft and just completely glossed over it when editing this time. I need to change one of the scenes in the next chapter big style. (More than one, in fact.) Very helpful comments, thanks, Sarah 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 Hey, KS, I really appreciate you seeing this through considering how much of it you missed out on. Much appreciated On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: p2 "He stared at her for long moments as her shoulders jerked then put on her back before changing his mind and pullingher into a hug." Then put on her back? am i misreading this sentence or does it not really make sense? Yeah, that's me. This went all wrong in the editing. Fixed now. Thanks. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: p3 "Her dark blue crime scene garb. " feels likea floating half-sentence You, this broke too. Fixed now. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: “This was a rust-show and no mistake. I’m going to have to insist on approving all potential cases from now on.” who's saying this? i think it's M but not sure, though it might be clear from the voice used and that i'm just not catching on cause i've only red t he last 3 chapters, i don't see it mentioned in the other feedbacks so probably clear enough, but felt like i needed to mention it That's cool. Yes, it was M. I wanted a new para for the dialogue, and thought I'd get away without a tag. I think you're right, and that readers from the start would pick her voice easily enough from the dialogue itself. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: p4 i absolutely love the casual talk in the eleveator at the start. makes them feel really human, not able to process yet so postponing even thinking about what just hapened as much as possible Cool. Thanks On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: "Q blew out abreath as his chemical rush gave way to all-pervading pain." Blowing out a breath? feels like a weird phrasing choice Hmm. Okay. I'll think on it, see if anyone else picks it. Clearly it sounds normal enough to me, or I wouldn't have written it I meant it in that sense of puffing, in frustration or fatigue. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: "Q considered wording a terse email to Calvin Kline about the lamentablethermal properties of their boxers" Did you mistype Klein or is it meant to be a joke? It did pul me out of the story though, ina full on sci-fi shitshow in a far future or different world and suddenly CK boxers? Thanks. That's me not paying attention. It's a very Q line, but you would not get that at all, as he's very much out of his comfort zone in the last few chapters (okay most chapters) of the book. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: p5 "Don’t forget I’m gay,” E said, managing a smile." This feels out of place, the time for the joking has alreaddy passed in my opinion and this feels a bit awkward regardless. I hear you. I'm not completely wedded to this line, TBH. I'll see if it garners any other comments, but I may well change it. Thanks for flagging. I mean, I was going to awkwardness, but there is a difference between a character displaying awkwardness and the reader feeling it in the writing. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: "blankets around him ill-fitting" blankets don't really fit do they? they cover sure but they don't fit. Well spotted. This is the kind of detail that I love. You are absolutely right, of course. Thanks for calling it On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: "It resolved into a hulking olive drab brute thatwhispered to a stop in front of them" hulking brutes don't normaly whisper, feels weird to me Such is the conundrum of the electric vehicle! IMO. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: p6 "held to keys to their fate" THE keys Check. Thanks. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: p6-7 so what DID they stop for? except to give the reader a nice view of the explosions The anonymous FBI person who is in the truck was tagged earlier in the story as the Special Agent in Charge. I think complete readers seem to be okay with this aspect, but I totally understand why you would ask this. On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: Good piee of writing, looking forward to the final chapter and conclusion. Definitely feels like you're closing out character arcs, which is something that annoys me greatly when not done so thank you for that Awesome, I really appreciate that. Thank you, and thanks so much for your comments. They really are appreciated 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 Hey SSmooth, thank you for reading. Excellent comments, very much appreciated On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: I agree with most of this. I get the feeling we haven't see the last of N, and if there isn't more of him in this book, then I'll be expecting it in the third one. I won't say much more, although I'm seriously considering writing in one last call, as emerged from Mandamon's comments. I think that would resonate really nicely with everything that went before. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: As for TOM, yeah, he was in the background always but never present, unless he is going to make an appearance in the next chapter. We'll see. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: Re the criminal charges, I'm assuming that will be dealt with in the last chapter? I assume so to. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: Other than being left with these questions and the feeling that this isn't over yet, I did like this chapter. There was a lot of emotion, and I loved how it resolved some of the tension between Q & M. There were some cute moments between them here. Excellent. Thank you. This is good to know, as it's very much what I was going for. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: "Her blue crime scene garb." is something missing? This feels like half a sentence. Yup: edit crash. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: "This was a rust-show and no mistake..." Who says this? Sounds like M but not 100% sure. Huh. It's M. I thought it was pretty clear, but may I need to tag it as KS also had this question. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: "Our job is to get you out of harms way.." Did the feds even know they were down there? That were injured? My first impression was that the feds were rushing in to arrest them, but then they already seemed to know people were inured. Maybe they were watching on a camera N hadn't disabled? Someone "called it in", at some point. M did, in fact, in the previous chapter. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: "...a terse email to..lamentable thermal properties...boxers..." This line made me laugh. Nice touch of humor to lighten things up a bit. Excellent! I thought it was very Q, and that he had not had a chance to be himself in some time. On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: "He sniffed. 'Well, you got me there.'" This ends a very nice moment between Q and M. Awesome On 25/03/2020 at 5:44 PM, shatteredsmooth said: I'm looking forward to reading the final installment, but I'll miss Q & M when this is over. That's just fantastic. I can't think of a higher compliment Hopefully, you won't need to wait too long once I get onto that other project that's coming up next for me Excellent comments. Thank you so much, SSmooth 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2020 Hey, Kais. Many thanks for reading, and for your comments. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: A good start to the wrap up but as others have said, I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. It feels like this is the start of another try fail cycle, where the stakes are raised, not the almost end. Also E tracked hetero in this so I offered some Deep Insight into lesbianism. Try not contain your excitement. Hmm. Right, I'll need to fix that. I certainly rely on your insight!! Argh, and to looking for the try-fail reaction certainly. Next chapter being rewritten, but has more answers certainly. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: I'd like this, too! KK, we'll see. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 2: M killing Q's son is just SO MUCH SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO PROCESS LATER. Mm, hm. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 3: the 'starting tomorrow' line is fantastic On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 3: I stalled out on the descriptions of the FBI. One is a super plane woman, and the rest aren't described so... are they men? That would make sense, that lack of description, if Q were hetero but he's pretty cannon not so I'd expect a similar commentary on everyone coming in: a guy needed a shave, and the third one looked like she hadn't slept in a month. or something equally disparaging for everyone So right. Thank you very much for this! On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 3: wait. WAIT. When did E find T? Where was this scene? I WANT THIS SCENE. I am deeply emotionally invested in E and want at least a hug between her and T that makes Q uncomfortably question his sexuality while also being turned on Err. Right. Well, there is a scene in the next chapter, but the mention in this one is scant to say the least. I accept that. It happens almost completely off screen, and I can understand your frustration at that. Let me think about it. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 4: I'd like Q to linger a bit more on the his son being a hellspawn of the internet now. That's big and I need more more emotions Check. I'm more than happy to put more emotion into this chapter in a couple of key areas. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 5: This interplay is a bit off: “Don’t forget I’m gay,” E said, managing a smile. “Yes, ma’am.” She's talking like a straight woman with the gentle reminders and coaxing language. Suggest instead: "Still gay, *expletive name calling*. But have her do it kind of under her breath, so it's clear she's gently reminding and not reprimanding Yes, thank you for this. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 5: Would M not use stronger language than 'poo-poo'??? Yeah, fair enough. Maybe it was her trying to go a bit softer on Q. Dunno. I've changed it 'c4ck'. On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 6: Yeah WHY is E with them and not with T??? - pg 6: if the lab got trashed then T wasn't there so WHY is she not with them in the truck? Lesbians hard core nest. If my girlfriend had been missing and I found her in a Super Secret Lab (E is a power femme which means she's got a pretty assertive streak, so this should track similar but not wholly what I would do), this would be the order of events (noting your current world) 1) anything broken/infected? 2) Emotional check in 3) kissing 4) let's go check on the others (drags GF along) 5) pause in corridor to kiss and/or cop a feel of backside while running 6) help with Big Boss Fight while telling GF to stay down and away 7) upon completion of Big Boss Fight, check on M, slap Q on the shoulder, retrieve GF. Repeat steps 1-3. 8) in truck driving away, snuggle/have her sit on my lap/wandering hands and maybe some emotional crying and probably whispered dirty talk about getting her home and cleaned up Point being, she wouldn't leave me sight and there would be EMOTIONS. Lesbians deeply love emotions. It's a little known fact that while the human race requires water and sugars to survive, the lesbian portion can survive solely on OMG ARE YOU OKAY TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS Okay. I respect, and will go back and attempt to adhere to as much of this advice as possible within the framework of the situation. I don't want to break out of Q's POV, but that doesn't mean that I can't address most of this, to some degree. I'm very grateful for your advice here On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - I do like the end bit Excellent. some commentary above in response to Mandamon. Great comments. Many thanks indeed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted March 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2020 On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 5: This interplay is a bit off: - pg 6: Yeah WHY is E with them and not with T??? I've been through E's bits and revised where relevant. She reaches T in Chp 0C in fact, but I have used your guide to introduce much more intimacy in that contact after so long. There is much more description of what Q sees through the glass in terms of E reaching T, being reluctant to leave her because of her fragile condition. Thanks again for this 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
industrialistDragon Posted March 30, 2020 Report Share Posted March 30, 2020 A nice resolution chapter. I'm still a little hazy on how everything's all connected to anything else physically. I'm decently clear on the non-N parts of the plot at this point. How N interacts with the "all special circumstances all the time" de facto coup plot I'm still a bit unclear about. Mostly, as in, how does his removal from the game board (for the moment) actually change the coup plot? TOM still has his hand in his political puppet, who still has the mother of all good PR wag-the-dog scenarios to get himself reelected, anyone who could shed any light on this manufactured loss of life is either dead, or under so many indictments any credibility they ever had is shot. The physical evidence is blasted down to bedrock. We have great resolution for the personal parts, the why Q is still here, why he, E, R, T and the rest were roped into this, but I'm feeling like I'm lacking a connection or resolution to the political parts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shatteredsmooth Posted March 30, 2020 Report Share Posted March 30, 2020 On 3/29/2020 at 10:54 AM, Robinski said: Someone "called it in", at some point. M did, in fact, in the previous chapter. Quote WRS on my part then. On 3/29/2020 at 10:54 AM, Robinski said: Huh. It's M. I thought it was pretty clear, but may I need to tag it as KS also had this question. Quote It definitely had M's voice. One a second or third read, it was clearer, but on my first read through, the placement of it made me doubt it so I had to go back and reread. Personally, as a reader, unless it is a conversation between just two people, I like some kind of tag or action associated with the words, just so I know 100% sure who is saying what, even if the voice is distinct like M's. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 Hi ID, many thanks for reading On 30/03/2020 at 8:40 PM, industrialistDragon said: How N interacts with the "all special circumstances all the time" de facto coup plot I'm still a bit unclear about. Yeah, that's a thread that will take a full edit the tidy up and resolve. I'm glad other elements are coming together. On 30/03/2020 at 8:40 PM, industrialistDragon said: how does his removal from the game board (for the moment) actually change the coup plot? Ah, well... next chapter elucidates. On 30/03/2020 at 8:40 PM, industrialistDragon said: anyone who could shed any light on this manufactured loss of life is either dead, or under so many indictments any credibility they ever had is shot. The physical evidence is blasted down to bedrock. Yup On 30/03/2020 at 8:40 PM, industrialistDragon said: We have great resolution for the personal parts, the why Q is still here, why he, E, R, T and the rest were roped into this, but I'm feeling like I'm lacking a connection or resolution to the political parts. Check, and that is coming, run a manner of speaking. I'm glad that the personal resolutions are landing for you Thanks again for reading. Comments much appreciated! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 1, 2020 On 31/03/2020 at 0:38 AM, shatteredsmooth said: On 29/03/2020 at 3:54 PM, Robinski said: Someone "called it in", at some point. M did, in fact, in the previous chapter. Quote WRS on my part then. It's a very, very passing reference. Low grade WRS at worst On 31/03/2020 at 0:38 AM, shatteredsmooth said: It definitely had M's voice. One a second or third read, it was clearer, but on my first read through, the placement of it made me doubt it so I had to go back and reread. Personally, as a reader, unless it is a conversation between just two people, I like some kind of tag or action associated with the words, just so I know 100% sure who is saying what, even if the voice is distinct like M's. Okay, I've tagged it 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asmodemon Posted April 4, 2020 Report Share Posted April 4, 2020 Short chapter, not much to say on this one. Something else: Maybe it’s because I don’t want the story to be over yet, but I was really expecting a resurgence of N., from the internet, like the lawnmower man. Freezing progeny off: That was a little dark. I love it Reunion: Would have liked to have seen a bit more of a reunion between E. and T., but it seems T. has been carted off by the feds pretty quickly. Quote: Like the quote at the end, and the remark from Q. that M. actually studied. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted April 12, 2020 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2020 Hi Asmodemon, On 04/04/2020 at 10:29 PM, Asmodemon said: I was really expecting a resurgence of N., from the internet, like the lawnmower man Ah, well... Maybe not like LMM, but... On 04/04/2020 at 10:29 PM, Asmodemon said: Would have liked to have seen a bit more of a reunion between E. and T., but it seems T. has been carted off by the feds pretty quickly Accepted, and @kais pointed out how I had flubbed this at the moment of their physical reunion in the habitat, which I have edited a fair bit to deliver more emotion there, I think. The problem is that E is rather heinously involved in the experimentation on N, but I had not brought out the right response to that in the plot. So, she needs to 'go away', and E is somewhat broken by it, of course. On 04/04/2020 at 10:29 PM, Asmodemon said: Like the quote at the end, and the remark from Q. that M. actually studied. Awesome. I am rather pleased with it. The 'star line' from the poem is quite often used in the wrong context, as N used it. It was particularly satisfying to let M have the moment, since it would have been easy to give the lines to Q. Many thanks for reading and commenting! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silk Posted September 18, 2020 Report Share Posted September 18, 2020 I'm not late, you're late! Ahem. Really didn't have much in the way of "as you go" comments this time (and I'm guessing most everyone else has probably caught them and you've made those edits already), except that E seems to be doing awfully well for someone who has found a girlfriend in not-very-good shape and just watched a friend die. I thought the payoff was pretty good, but I'm a little conflicted about not seeing TOM appear at all. He, along with Mor, was a huge boogeyman at the beginning of the book so to not have him mentioned here at all seems a bit weird. I'm okay with not getting a final showdown with Mor, since we got a pretty good boogeyman in replacement, but not getting something with EITHER of them is maybe a bit off-putting. Similarly - and maybe this is something that is mentioned in the remaining chapters so I won't spend much time on it here - but the election plot has not been remotely resolved. The last few chapters have had a much narrower scope, understandably so, but it would be good to understand how those two things tie together. Also, to be honest... I know you hang a lantern on it here, but Q and M probably should have been arrested the moment somebody decided they didn't need to go to the hospital, or barring that, as soon as someone figures out who they are. Love final lines, though! On 3/24/2020 at 7:35 AM, Mandamon said: After last chapter, I was almost certain there was going to another boss fight "in his final form!" as an electronic entity. Can't say I was expecting this per se, but if you wanted to make a bit more of N's death here, you could potentially show a little paranoia: Q half-expecting to get locked into the building, that kind of thing. That's kind of the opposite of "victory" and "punch the bad guy" though but we definitely need a little more emotional impact around this. On 3/24/2020 at 9:35 PM, Sarah B said: Rescue has been a major element in the story, it would be nice to see some more resolution for the rescued. Also It feels like T having something to do with making N what he was/is was a big revelation that got lost in the shuffle. Unless perhaps its foreshadowing for the next story... Yes to both of these. On 3/25/2020 at 7:15 AM, killersquid said: p6-7 so what DID they stop for? except to give the reader a nice view of the explosions Yeah kinda wondered about that too. On 3/25/2020 at 3:36 PM, kais said: - pg 3: wait. WAIT. When did E find T? Where was this scene? I WANT THIS SCENE. I am deeply emotionally invested in E and want at least a hug between her and T that makes Q uncomfortably question his sexuality while also being turned on I think T was in pretty rough shape at the time and can therefore kind of write this off, but I agree that it was emotionally pretty understated. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted December 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 (edited) On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: E seems to be doing awfully well for someone who has found a girlfriend in not-very-good shape and just watched a friend die Fair point. I will address that. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: but I'm a little conflicted about not seeing TOM appear at all. He, along with Mor, was a huge boogeyman at the beginning of the book Yeah. I think maybe part of the issue is that Mor's end happens off-screen, so the reader doesn't get the satisfaction of seeing that face-off. Maybe if that worked differently, then there would not be any feeling of the expecting TOM to appear? I mean, it would be like a showdown at one of Trump's gold courses, it could get nasty, but your wouldn't expect the Orange Goblin to turn up, I don't think. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: but not getting something with EITHER of them is maybe a bit off-putting. Yeah, noted. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: but the election plot has not been remotely resolved. Accepted in full. I need to address that better. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: Q and M probably should have been arrested the moment somebody decided they didn't need to go to the hospital, or barring that, as soon as someone figures out who they are. Ahem, I mean, yeah. This is something that could read better than it does. I will take on board to look at in the next edit. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: Love final lines, though! On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: you could potentially show a little paranoia: Q half-expecting to get locked into the building, that kind of thing. That's kind of the opposite of "victory" and "punch the bad guy" though but we definitely need a little more emotional impact around this. Hmm, yes, will consider. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: On 25/03/2020 at 4:35 AM, Sarah B said: Rescue has been a major element in the story, it would be nice to see some more resolution for the rescued. Also It feels like T having something to do with making N what he was/is was a big revelation that got lost in the shuffle. Unless perhaps its foreshadowing for the next story... Yes to both of these. Yeah, need to address. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: On 25/03/2020 at 2:15 PM, killersquid said: p6-7 so what DID they stop for? except to give the reader a nice view of the explosions Yeah kinda wondered about that too. I need to tag, but it was so the agent could 'confirm' the explosions. I will need to hang a lantern on that, as opposed to the shroud that's thrown over it at present. On 18/09/2020 at 9:44 PM, Silk said: On 25/03/2020 at 10:36 PM, kais said: - pg 3: wait. WAIT. When did E find T? Where was this scene? I WANT THIS SCENE. I am deeply emotionally invested in E and want at least a hug between her and T that makes Q uncomfortably question his sexuality while also being turned on I think T was in pretty rough shape at the time and can therefore kind of write this off, but I agree that it was emotionally pretty understated. Above my desk I want a sign that says 'Never knowingly understated', but I have to earn it first. Great comments. Thanks, @Silk. As valid and helpful now as ever, since I've done precisely nothing since March apart from write 90% of a new, completely separate, novelette The reality is, I'm not sure when I will get back to this, but I do very much want to finish the trilogy. I think my next move will be to edit W&S, so I have a fantasy novel to try and sell, which I can do to occupy myself while I go back to TMM (Book 1), which I will edit; then on to TCC (Book 2), which I will edit before writing TRR (Book 3). That shouldn't take me much more than 3 or 4 years, I reckon. I think it may be time to put @Snakenaps out of her 'misery' too, by asking her kindly to read TMM (finally)--maybe about March. That should motivate the heck out of me Edited December 30, 2020 by Robinski 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snakenaps Posted December 31, 2020 Report Share Posted December 31, 2020 9 hours ago, Robinski said: I think it may be time to put @Snakenaps out of her 'misery' too, by asking her kindly to read TMM (finally)--maybe about March. That should motivate the heck out of me Better not be teasing me... Spoiler 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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